The monsters inside

Yesterday was a craptastic day at school. This is becoming more common as the year winds down and I am slowly trying to not let it bug me. Martina and I had plans to go swimming. I wanted to swim, but the day just killed any drive I had. I did everything to avoid going down to the pool and even when we got to the pool, I opted for the hot tub first because the pool was just too cold. There was this voice inside my head that was just adamant that I was not going to swim. Why was this?

Well, I told myself the next time I got into a swimming pool I was going to swim legit laps. The last few times I have been a pool, I have done my fair share of water walking, and some swimming, but I have not pushed myself. The last time I did laps, I did roughly 10 of them before deeming myself too tired, too exhausted and too stupid looking to continue. Therefore, I told myself if I got in the water again, I would do 12 laps. No one else knew this, so I was only one going to make myself accountable for this, which is not exactly the most ringing endorsement for doing it.

After spending at least 15 minutes arguing with myself about whether or not to get in the pool, I finally just jumped in. Once in the water, those thoughts came firing back. These monsters inside of me were in full attack mode. I took off on my first lap, and the whole time these monsters were eating away at me "What are 12 laps going to really do fatso?" "Do you really want to be shirtless in public?" "Go put a shirt on, you disgust yourself and you know it." And those are the tame thoughts. 1 lap turned into 4. 4 laps turned into 8 and then I hit this wall, figuratively. No worries, I did not bust my head open or anything. Here I was at 8 laps, which is a good number for out of shape I felt. No one else knew I had a goal in mind. So, I sat down on the steps of the pool and in that moment, the monsters could see they had me. They knew they were moments away from breaking down whatever defenses I had put up to try to block out the negativity. They hit me with a flurry of self doubt first, then came in with the fake satisfaction. They were telling me "Hey, you got some laps in, which is pretty good for someone so out of shape." "Don't look at it as quitting because no one else knows." I was literally seconds away from getting out of the water, when I took a deep breath and forced myself back in the water. Trying my hardest to push aside these monsters who grow bigger by feeding on my doubt, I made myself do two more laps, which meant i had arrived at 10 laps total. I had reached the same number I did two years ago. The monsters were a little quieter now, but they were rationalizing with me, giving me some lines about getting back to 10 laps, so that was good. They were doing everything they could to keep me from getting to my goal. Briefly I paused, trying my best to not let these creatures best me and I pushed myself off the wall and went up and back two more times to get myself to twelve.

Instead of getting excited at hitting my goal, the monsters attacked. "Well it took you long enough." "Big deal, 12 laps should be nothing, but your fat ass needed 2 big breaks to complete them." So, I pushed myself off the wall again and went for not one, but two more laps, bringing my total to 14. And when I was done, silence. Finally, silence. It took me going just a little further than my goal for me to silence my own doubt. I did it. I hit a goal. Is it a giant milestone? No, of course not, but I proved that I can silence my own doubt. No one can silence your own monsters, but you. We are almost always our worse critics, so we need to be our biggest cheerleaders, and our biggest motivators. Martina did not know I was going through all of this internal nonsense even though she was next to me the whole time because I knew I needed to silence my own monsters.

Today when I go swimming, my goal will be to hit 14 laps. But, I am already ahead of yesterday because my monsters are silent. It really was as simple as pushing through the monsters momentarily. I know they will be back, but I also know, that I have the power to shut them down, and I know that every day I strive to get myself to a healthier place in life, these monsters will be right there waiting for the moment they can pounce and feed on me. How I beat them? I set goals. I set daily or weekly goals and I stay focused on them. Every time I reach or surpass a goal, those monsters have just a little less power over me, they get a fraction smaller and a tad bit less scary. That is how any of us take control of our monsters. We stop looking at them as things to fear and start looking at them as things to motivate.