The cruelness of May

I am not even going to lie, I suck this month. It has been a brutal 15 days in my world of unhealthiness. Okay, in all honesty, it actually has been about 10 days. It began with the opening of Iron Man 3 at work. My nights grew longer, and my body more weary from standing up for 7 hours, and bending down to pick up trash and from running around like crazy making sure I am was staying ahead of the rush. What does that really mean? Well, it means I am getting home from work at 1:30am, not falling asleep until 3am and waking up at 11am with my body in serious pain. My ankles are sore, my knees are popping, my arms are crazy sore and I have no energy. It does not help that I eat dinner at 8pm, and when I get off work at 1am, I am too hungry to sleep, so I have to eat something after 1am. Every day is lethargic. I am straight up miserable, but I am in too much pain and too lethargic to do a damn thing about it. I feel as if I have reverted back to my pre-healthy living ways and I am struggling to come up with the motivation to stop it. To make matters worse, the one physical activity I can do with all of this pain, swimming, is not possible. Why, you ask? Because my stupid apartment complex decided to do wait to do pool maintenance until it was warm enough to actually use the damn pool! The sheer idiocy of that move baffles me. Granted, I only have one more month here before moving to an apartment complex with two pools, one being junior Olympic sized. That does me no good NOW, though.

I sit here angry at myself for losing the motivation. I have every reason to keep moving. I mean it is working. I see it every day when I put on clothes. I am losing weight and getting healthier. I am stronger than I was and more importantly, I have more stamina for physical activity. Yet, I have completely lost it and have instead, wallowed in the self pity of aches and pains. I have not been out for a walk/jog in weeks. I have been on the stationary bike twice this month. April was a month of blowing by personal bests and a month of pure fitness for me. I was out there nearly every day going miles and miles every week and now, nothing. It is sad how easy it is to fall back into old habits. It is depressing how easy it has been to just sit on the couch and play video games or watch television. Every single day is a battle when you are my size, even now. Yes, I am down a lot from where I started, but after a few days of not working out, it has become so easy to skip working out every single day.

I am not here with any answers. I am not here with some determined conclusion that will get my ass in gear. I am not here with some inspirational closing line. I am here with only negativity I cannot seem to shake. I know I need to get moving. I know that if I get myself moving that the long days on my feet with hurt less and less over time. I know all of this to be true in my logical mind, but my logical mind is on hiatus and has been replaced with teenage Kyle's illogical mind of laziness and crappy food. In fact, I ate fast food this week. When I was done eating it, I was up for another two hours with the most awful stomach ache. Clearly my body does not want fast food anymore. It was a nice reminder. It was a reminder from my ever changing body that I have to make better choices.

Right now is a time of extreme anxiety for me personally. I am starting to apply for teaching job again, and I am trying to figure out how to be an adult. I have spent so much time in my life feeling like a failure and all of those feelings are creeping back up again. I am tired of struggling to buy groceries. It is exhausting to spend so much time worrying about basic needs. I am not trying to have an excess of money. I just want to be able to keep food in my refrigerator. All of that worry keeps me up at night and if I have learned anything during the last year, it is that a good night's sleep is the biggest asset to being healthy. Everything spring boards from feeling rested when you get up.

Okay, this is getting away from me. I apologize for the party of self pity. This is hard. Every day is hard right now. I know the best thing I can do is go down to the gym and get on the bike. I am not saying that is going to happen as soon as I post this entry, but I am hoping it is. For those of you out there struggling right now, I understand. We will find our way through the this cave. It might take us longer than we like, but we will get there. For those of you not struggling right now. Be thankful and remember someone around you is struggling and be kind.