First we show up, then we see what happens.

After a very rough weekend, I was not exactly sure how I was going to pull myself from my bed on Monday morning. I knew that I had to, but I was not sure how it would work. Sunday night I was at work until nearly 3 in the morning and sleep did not come for me until well after 4 in the morning. At some point during the night at work, or right when I got home, I managed to turn my alarm on. It was set for 9:30 in the morning. When it went off, I was shocked! Why would I set an alarm for a Monday morning after working until nearly 3?? It was criminal negligence on the part of my sleepy body. In my house, it is tough to get back to sleep once you are awake. Our new kitten, Daisy, can sense when you are awake and she cuddles, and your full attention. Once I was up, there was nothing I could do.

I did not ant to go to the gym. I was sad, frustrated, and very tired. I was also hungry with not much in the way of breakfast food going on. A hungry Kyle is a cranky Kyle, just ask Martina, she can verify that. Yet, against all odds, I found myself at the gym. It was not a great work out. I could not get a good jogging pace, and I was 100% in my head, and not in a motivating good way. My mile time was slower than it had been in weeks. I could not get a good rhythm going on the bike either. Nothing was going well. There was no BEAST MODE to be found. I finished my work out after roughly 45 minutes and I was incredibly frustrated. This summer has been so full of starts and stops and I just cannot seem to get my routine back the way I had it in the spring.

Then something dawned on me: I went to the gym and worked out for 45 minutes. How could I possibly be upset about that? It is impossible to work out if you do not GO work out. I cannot lose weight and be healthy if I am not trying. Monday, I tried. Did I have a great day, no, but who cares, I at least, got off my ass and went down the gym and tried. There are days when just showing up and trying are enough. During my student teaching, I was given this amazing class of seniors. I have written about them before, but one of the things I tried to impart to them was this idea of just trying. Often times they would get so concerned with making things perfect, or knowing every single detail about an assignment and I would have to tell them that all I wanted was for them to try this new thing, or try this thing they were not immediately good at. You never know what will happen until you try. Until 18 months ago, I am not sure I could have worked out for 45 minutes straight and now I was upset because my 45 minute work out wasn't good enough? This is such a perfect example of me being too hard on myself.

Some times just showing up is half the battle. For me, every time I go to the gym, I have won something. Every time I try to eat better, I have won something. Showing up in underestimated. Some times, the best thing you can do is just show up and then see what happens from there. I cannot get in a show if I do not show up to auditions. I cannot get a job if I do not show up for the interview. I have limited control over what happens from there. I might have the best audition of my life and not get the role, or I might have an off night and still get a call back. I cannot control that, but I can control showing up. It is time I stop being so hard on myself if my progress is not happening at the rate I want it to. It is time to remind myself that there are days when just showing up and seeing what happens is good enough.

If you are not trying, nothing is ever going to change. If I do not try and eat better, I will, without question, eat fast food all of the time. I have to try to change. I do not get it right every time, but at least I am trying. I am trying to do better in all the areas where I think I can do better. But, none of that matters if, at first, I do not show up. So, that is why "First we show up, then we see what happens" is my new mantra. Nothing can happen if we do not show up. I encourage anyone reading this blog to show up and try to do something hard, or that you think maybe you cannot do because once you show up, you will be amazed at what you can eventually do.

Something vs one thing

I said on Facebook yesterday that I would be updating this blog today, but I was not sure exactly what the topic would be. Not much has happened in the last week in terms of my health. I am getting back on track with the work outs. I am almost running a full mile again. I did 3/4 of a mile in roughly 10 minutes the other day, but that brought with it some swelling in my knee that has put me on the shelf for a few days.

yesterday afternoon a former student showed me video of me rapping in class that she had taken from her cell phone. Martina commented that I had lost a lot of weight since then. I did not notice it right away because I was focusing all of my energy on how hardcore I was spitting Taylor Swift lyrics over an Eminem beat, but I did start to notice it as the video went on. I have lost a lot of weight. This almost feels like a total "No duh!" moment as I am roughly 70lbs lighter than I was when this video was shot, but it is a nice reminder of what I have accomplished. Numbers do not mean much to me. Math was always my most troublesome class, so when you say 70lbs, it seems like a lot and there a tangible quality to that number that is comforting, but rarely do I feel it or see it. Then this video was going on where I was wearing a shirt and tie that I still wear and I remember in April of 2012, that shirt was very fitted. I did not enjoy sitting down while wearing it out of fear my buttons would pop off, shoot one of my students in the eye and I would have a mountain of paperwork to explain that noise. Now, when I wear that shirt, it is loose on me. If it was not for my wide neck, I should probably be wearing a smaller sized shirt. I have talked about this on the blog countless times, but there are moments that are worth repeating.

It has been a weird summer thus far and I have gotten off track more than I care to remember. My eating habits had fallen by the wayside for a while and I was stress eating again. Then this video came flying at me and it reminded me where I started and where I have gotten. I am so far away from where I want to be, but I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to bring monumental life changes for me and possibly might get me moving further on my path of healthy choices. At my heaviest I clocked in at over 350lbs. I have yo-yoed between 290-320 for my entire adult life and now here I am getting a grip on it and it is nice to have a reminder of where I started.

One of my next big goals is to get to where I can run for more than a mile without stopping for any reason. I hit this goal in March of this year, but lost it in May and I want it back. But, I also know that I need to strike a balance between pushing myself and overdoing it. I am still walking that delicate line and my body is still too out of shape to be pushed too hard. I am not trying to break myself. I am determined to have my full running mile before the end of the month. I think my goal for the end of the year is a 12 minute mile. I know that in order to achieve this, I have to stay focused, so I am going to get myself into the pool more this week and work out that way until my knee feels totally comfortable. This is a big thing Crossfit taught me: Just because you cannot do one thing does not mean you can't do SOMETHING! There were activities at Crossfit that I was just not physically ready for and there was always a modification I could make or another activity that worked similar muscles that I could do. I miss Crossfit for many reasons, but that is the biggest one. It always made me feel like I could do SOMETHING. Never underestimate the power of feeling like you can accomplish something. it is about finding the person who believes you can do something, or the job that makes you feel like you can do something. I am starting to realize that I can do lots of somethings and that the something that I cannot do, I just cannot do them YET, but I will get them!