As everyone on my Facebook now knows, I am a fully employed English Teacher. The goal I had set for myself when I went back to college 6 years ago has finally been achieved. The last six years have been a crazy time for me, but here I sit with the biggest sense of relief, followed by an unfamiliar sense of panic. I achieved this huge massive goal, but NOW WHAT?? I am supposed to teach now? I am supposed to look at 200 students throughout my day and impart them with the passion, joy and wonder that is the English language? Holy crap! What have I gotten myself into? Still, for the last year plus, I have been saying "If I could just get a teaching job..." and now I have one! I thought I had a long term sub position in January, but that fell through. I very nearly had a teaching job in Santa Cruz at the beginning of July, but that fell through. I was beginning to doubt if this was going to be a reality and I set up a plan B. It was a solid plan B and I could have still been very happy with it, but with summer winding down, I got a call from a school I interviewed at in early June. The position I interviewed for had been filled, but they had a last minute retirement, and instead of interviewing all new candidates they called their second choices for the first job. I was one of those second choices, and the principal went with me because I did not hesitate when they asked about being yearbook adviser. He said he was not sure they were even going to assign the new teacher to it, but he knew he wanted the teacher who was willing to do what he had to do to be a teacher at his school. In my two days on campus, I feel like it is a good fit for me. I am incredibly excited to begin the next chapter of my life, but before I do, I love to reflect and now I will do that.
I want to focus on my life roughly four years ago. Four years ago I did not have a job, I had not yet been accepted into the credential program and I was a 29 year old man living with his parents. I quickly sunk into the biggest depression of my life. Nothing was good, nothing was working. I was completely lost.I was barely making ends meet and I was now heartbroken. It began the absolute worst summer of my life. I did not sleep at all, I was eating all of the time, or not eating at all. Most days I could not even fathom why someone would get out bed for any reason other than to eat or use the bathroom. I was pretty sure that is where I was going to be forever. Once I was accepted to the credential program, I considered dropping it before it began because I was in no shape to be teaching young people. I was days away from quitting everything in my life, packing up and moving to Utah to start over, or drown in a sea of Mormons.
Nothing big happened to change my mind. There was no big epiphany. I find that life does not happen that way. This is not a movie where one monumental event shifts everything. I just woke up one day and thought about how rewarding it would be to be a teacher. I just kept getting up in the morning and trying to find a way through the fog. The teacher credential program started and I quickly fell in love with all of my future teacher friends. I slowly started moving out of this depression and in doing so, I found an awesome girl, and awesome friends. I was finally moving in the right direction! The credential program came with serious ups and downs and there was a time when I was sure I was not going to make it though. I found myself slipping again. I was agitated, lifeless, and stressed out beyond belief. Trying to do a show that was in Tech week during the week PACT was due turned out to be the stupidest thing I could do, but I still had my awesome girlfriend, and my awesome teacher friends. Somehow we found our way through PACT and through the program.
Last summer had arrived and with it, the job hunt. Except I had a problem, I had failed a course at Sac State. I had too many absences and even though I had done all of the work and watched the lectures on-line and did the assignments on-line, because I was enrolled in the in class version of the class, the teacher failed me and was not going to listen to anything. I could not get a teaching job because I was still a class away from my damn credential. I let it get me down for a while, but eventually I knew I had to man up and retake the class. I took it on-line, got an A and by December of 2012, I was a credentialed teacher. I lost the long term sub job in January, but I had a job at Regal and while it was not stellar, it gave me purpose. I got a promotion in May and this summer I had 9 interviews for teaching jobs.
Now, I have a job. When I think about all of the ups and downs of the last few years, all I can think about is how many times I wanted to just give up. I could have easily given up. I can always work at a movie theater. Between my own depression, my lack of confidence and the stupid things that kept me from getting where I wanted to be in the time frame in which it was supposed to happen, I could have quit. Giving up would have been such an easy way to move on in my life, but I did not quit. I found a way to stick it out and BAM, I have my own classroom. 6 years in the making, I achieved this goal. I did not quit when it got tough, when I felt stupid, or when I felt like it was just not meant to be, I just kept plugging away and it eventually worked out. Now, I am not saying it worked out because it was supposed to, or because I wanted it so bad, no. It worked out because I kept working at it. I never let myself stay down. This was not about willing myself to a job, it was about continuing to work my way through all of the mud.
Over the last year plus, I have had various starts and stops in my health, but the one thing I have not stopped doing, is trying. I have realized that there is so much to be said in just trying. When I think about the last four years and where I was and where I am now, I know I would not be in this great place if I did not just keep trying. 4 years ago I was on the verge of giving up on everything in my life, I could not get out of bed and now here I am absolutely LOVING my life. I could imagine being in any better of a place than I am now. In grand scheme of life 4 years is not that long to find your way through the muck of life. I did it. I am moving in the direction every day that I keep trying to move in the right direction. It really is that simple. All you have to do is keep trying and eventually you will see more victories than losses. I am a very blessed man right now because I started to realize I deserved it and worked to get it!
What started as a journey for physical and emotion health has morphed into something much bigger. Here you will find musings about my health journey, my teaching job, my re-entry into the world of academia, random thoughts about the world at large, books, movies, television, and ultimately my search for sustained happiness.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Confronting the gym issue head on
I have discussed my problems with gyms in the past. I am terrified of them. I feel lost, confused, and judged. I can workout in the gym at my apartment complex because it is rarely populated. For years I was a member of a gym in Woodland and I never went regularly. I just get so self conscious in a gym. However, the gym equipment at my current apartment complex is terrible. The treadmill feels like it is going to collapse under the weight of my obesity if I try to run. The two bikes are nowhere near the level of my last apartment complex. It has made working out more of a challenge than something I want to do. The last few days I have been going back to walking out in the world, as we have a bike trail across the street from our house. I love being out in the world, but my body does not. It is really tough on my knees, ankles, and feet. I have certainly been feeling the pain the last few days, and I have not been feeling knee pain after the treadmill. Martina has been killing it in a variety of ways in her health journey and since it appears we are truly aligned in our quest, we decided to give a gym a shot.
Last night we stopped by California Family Fitness because it is roughly five minutes from our house and Martina also has one right near her work, so it would make sense. We were given a tour by a relatively new employee, who was energetic, charming in a nerdy way, and put a very good face on this giant box store looking gym. We did show up at the busiest time of year, which I actually liked. It gave us a good idea of how huge the place was because there was still plenty of open equipment even with the parking lot completely full. The gym is two stories and is gigantic. They have a pool, a lap pool, and an indoor pool. They have a sauna and steam room and the most impressive locker rooms I have ever seen in a gym. It was incredibly difficult not to be impressed. We were offered a two week free trial and the monthly fee for a couple is less than I was expecting, so the odds are we will be sticking with it, but that could change if we end up not liking it.
Today I did my inaugural workout and after one day, I can tell this is a place I am going to want to frequent. The bike was very comfortable for my wide body and never felt shaky. The bike also had better pre-programmed workouts. This was very nice because I found one that was challenging, but not impossible to keep up and it meant I never had to mess with the levels or the speed and could just focus on keeping my legs moving. I Found that when I did not have to focus on the other things, I almost never looked at my time or my distance, just enjoyed the time I had to myself on this bike. The time flew by and I felt energized and exhausted when it was over. From there I jumped on a treadmill and did a mile of walking and a mile of walking/jogging. Then I jumped into the last 15 minutes of a step aerobics class. I did not love the class, but loved the energy of the class. I can see myself enjoying getting involved in classes. My next step will be a Zumba class. They also have this group training session that is similar to CrossFit that I will most definitely be checking out once we are paying. Plus, basketball and all sorts of cool stuff. Once we get going and once I have full time work, I will probably start working with a personal trainer and seeing their nutrition experts as well. I want to do it all!!
I will tell you why: I never once felt judged. Even at 9:30 am, this place was pretty busy and never once did it feel like anyone was looking at anyone else with judgement. The gym had people of all shapes and sizes and all levels of fitness and everyone was friendly. Multiple employees asked me how it was going, and asked if I needed anything and one trainer actually pulled a woman aside and gave her a few minutes of free training on one of the machines. it felt like a really great place to be. I know that this is ultimately a big box gym that talks about profit margins all of the time in meetings and it is run like a big box store, but with more warmth. Yet, it felt really comfortable for me and I have never said that in a big gym before. My favorite thing about CrossFit was how welcoming that gym was to us, and I felt welcomed to this giant gym this morning. It is a place I have no trouble seeing myself going to every day and that is the biggest hurdle for me.
It appears that after a rough few months, I am finding myself again. There is a rhythm to how I am feeling and it is wonderful. I am back to getting out of bed at a reasonable time, and eating regular meals and cooking more. I was excited to go to the gym this morning instead of forcing myself to go. My general attitude is back to where it was in April and May. I can feel myself starting to remember why I began this journey in the first place. I am shaking off the cobwebs of apathy, and caring again. Let's do this thing!
Last night we stopped by California Family Fitness because it is roughly five minutes from our house and Martina also has one right near her work, so it would make sense. We were given a tour by a relatively new employee, who was energetic, charming in a nerdy way, and put a very good face on this giant box store looking gym. We did show up at the busiest time of year, which I actually liked. It gave us a good idea of how huge the place was because there was still plenty of open equipment even with the parking lot completely full. The gym is two stories and is gigantic. They have a pool, a lap pool, and an indoor pool. They have a sauna and steam room and the most impressive locker rooms I have ever seen in a gym. It was incredibly difficult not to be impressed. We were offered a two week free trial and the monthly fee for a couple is less than I was expecting, so the odds are we will be sticking with it, but that could change if we end up not liking it.
Today I did my inaugural workout and after one day, I can tell this is a place I am going to want to frequent. The bike was very comfortable for my wide body and never felt shaky. The bike also had better pre-programmed workouts. This was very nice because I found one that was challenging, but not impossible to keep up and it meant I never had to mess with the levels or the speed and could just focus on keeping my legs moving. I Found that when I did not have to focus on the other things, I almost never looked at my time or my distance, just enjoyed the time I had to myself on this bike. The time flew by and I felt energized and exhausted when it was over. From there I jumped on a treadmill and did a mile of walking and a mile of walking/jogging. Then I jumped into the last 15 minutes of a step aerobics class. I did not love the class, but loved the energy of the class. I can see myself enjoying getting involved in classes. My next step will be a Zumba class. They also have this group training session that is similar to CrossFit that I will most definitely be checking out once we are paying. Plus, basketball and all sorts of cool stuff. Once we get going and once I have full time work, I will probably start working with a personal trainer and seeing their nutrition experts as well. I want to do it all!!
I will tell you why: I never once felt judged. Even at 9:30 am, this place was pretty busy and never once did it feel like anyone was looking at anyone else with judgement. The gym had people of all shapes and sizes and all levels of fitness and everyone was friendly. Multiple employees asked me how it was going, and asked if I needed anything and one trainer actually pulled a woman aside and gave her a few minutes of free training on one of the machines. it felt like a really great place to be. I know that this is ultimately a big box gym that talks about profit margins all of the time in meetings and it is run like a big box store, but with more warmth. Yet, it felt really comfortable for me and I have never said that in a big gym before. My favorite thing about CrossFit was how welcoming that gym was to us, and I felt welcomed to this giant gym this morning. It is a place I have no trouble seeing myself going to every day and that is the biggest hurdle for me.
It appears that after a rough few months, I am finding myself again. There is a rhythm to how I am feeling and it is wonderful. I am back to getting out of bed at a reasonable time, and eating regular meals and cooking more. I was excited to go to the gym this morning instead of forcing myself to go. My general attitude is back to where it was in April and May. I can feel myself starting to remember why I began this journey in the first place. I am shaking off the cobwebs of apathy, and caring again. Let's do this thing!
Friday, August 2, 2013
The inspiration of others
This summer, as I have documented, has not been terribly kind to my physical health, yet, here I sit a few pounds down from May. Even though it has been a bit of a roller coaster (for lack of a more original metaphor)I am still slowly moving forward. Two nights ago Martina showed me this slideshow of a girl who had lost over 100 pounds in four years. Towards the end of the slideshow there was a quote and I am going to paraphrase it because I do not have it in front of me. It was about how your physical health is a marathon not a sprint. It is no the first time I have seen this sentiment expressed, but at the end of a slideshow that showed a woman over the span of four years, it really hit me, that no matter how slowly I am losing weight, I am still losing it! The only place I really see people my size losing weight is on the Biggest Loser and I know how ridiculous that speed of weight loss is and I know that those people are in a unique situation where losing weight becomes their entire existence. That is not the reality of my life. The reality is that I need to keep chugging away slowly. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in my first year and I knew the second year would be tougher, so the idea is to just keep moving forward at whatever pace I can. I understand I will have some seriously great weeks and some not so great weeks. The wonderful thing about figuring out the rest of my life, the mental and emotional health that I worked so hard on last year, is that now when I have those bad days, I do not beat myself up. I have learned to accept who I am and who I want to be.
I want take a moment to talk about a few people who have inspired me over the last few weeks. I am sure it would not be difficult to guess who they are, but I want to talk about them anyway. First up is my awesome girlfriend. A few days after July started Martina found a month long squat challenge and instead of just starting it a few days late, she decided to catch up by doing 2 days worth of squats every day until she caught up. Every single day she would do her squats. On Wednesday she finished the entire challenge! She did 5000 squats during the month AND she bought us a bunch of healthy food, has cooked more for herself and for me and is really getting after it in terms of her own health. It is such an awesome thing to see. it is totally motivating. Last night we went on a longish walk in our new area for the first time and I am hoping it is something we can keep up when I am actually home at night. having healthier food around is always great and it is wonderful that we are now sharing in this adventure and hopefully pushing each other along. She totally killed that squat challenge, and has been eating so well that it is impossible to feel inspired by her. The list of reasons why she rocks is pretty much endless, but now that she has her mind set on a new healthy way of living, I know she is going to rock even harder because she is so strong and gives me strength. It is going to make the tough days a lot easier knowing she is going to pump me up by leading by example.
The next person is my best friend, Erik. Most of the people who read this blog are probably friends with him and know about his amazing journey. I would link to his blog, but he has yet to set one up for unknown reasons. Erik is down over 60 pounds in the last, I want to say two years. He is eating healthy, working out all of the time and is generally happier than I have ever seen him. That is all well and good, but it is his commitment that inspires me. He has already lost enough weight to make his own life way easier. he walks so much more upright, and moves much more quickly now. His breathing has been helped tremendously, I am not even sure he realizes that. Fighting through his Muscular Dystrophy, Erik has craved out such a better life for himself, but he is not content to stop there. he has set these awesome goals and he is meeting every single one of them by never wavering on his commitment. Every time we see each other I am inspired to get moving even harder and to set tough goals for myself and continue to work until I get them. Right now he has challenged himself to walk 10 miles a week. I remember like five years ago when we went to Disneyland, walking all day in that park was really hard on both of us, but I bet if we were to do that again, he would just be flying through the park. I have decided I am going to join him on his quest. I am going to walk 10 miles a week for a few weeks and then I am going to bump it up to 15 miles a week.
People are kind of awesome. I have not always felt this way. In fact, for a good majority of my life I have felt pretty much the opposite. yet, when I look around my life, I see awesomeness everywhere. I have a friend who knew exactly what she wanted to do at 12 years old, never wavered and this week she took the BAR exam. She is the single most driven awesome person I know and it is inspiring. My long lost best friend Jessica has been working her ass off in New York and on Cruise ships and everywhere else she can to work as a professional actress and she has these amazing stories, and pictures and vlogs from the last few years and all I can think about is how hard I have seen her work in her life and how amazing it is to see it paying off for her. Every where I look I am inspired by the people around me. it is time to start paying some of that back to the world. I have been in some pretty negative space a lot this summer, but I have been coming out of it over the last few weeks and I can feel myself starting to get back to where I was when 2013 started. I can see the beauty of life surrounding me and I owe a lot of it to my friends and my family and everyone who is doing something they love.
Keep rocking good readers. You can never really know who is watching you and rooting for you and who you may inspire or what may inspire someone. I never expected myself to be this person, but there is beauty and inspiration everywhere! We just have to be open to seeing it. Seriously, did I just say that? Hell with it, I am going to roll with this new positive cheery persona. Be awesome my friends, because there is a good chance you inspire me!
I want take a moment to talk about a few people who have inspired me over the last few weeks. I am sure it would not be difficult to guess who they are, but I want to talk about them anyway. First up is my awesome girlfriend. A few days after July started Martina found a month long squat challenge and instead of just starting it a few days late, she decided to catch up by doing 2 days worth of squats every day until she caught up. Every single day she would do her squats. On Wednesday she finished the entire challenge! She did 5000 squats during the month AND she bought us a bunch of healthy food, has cooked more for herself and for me and is really getting after it in terms of her own health. It is such an awesome thing to see. it is totally motivating. Last night we went on a longish walk in our new area for the first time and I am hoping it is something we can keep up when I am actually home at night. having healthier food around is always great and it is wonderful that we are now sharing in this adventure and hopefully pushing each other along. She totally killed that squat challenge, and has been eating so well that it is impossible to feel inspired by her. The list of reasons why she rocks is pretty much endless, but now that she has her mind set on a new healthy way of living, I know she is going to rock even harder because she is so strong and gives me strength. It is going to make the tough days a lot easier knowing she is going to pump me up by leading by example.
The next person is my best friend, Erik. Most of the people who read this blog are probably friends with him and know about his amazing journey. I would link to his blog, but he has yet to set one up for unknown reasons. Erik is down over 60 pounds in the last, I want to say two years. He is eating healthy, working out all of the time and is generally happier than I have ever seen him. That is all well and good, but it is his commitment that inspires me. He has already lost enough weight to make his own life way easier. he walks so much more upright, and moves much more quickly now. His breathing has been helped tremendously, I am not even sure he realizes that. Fighting through his Muscular Dystrophy, Erik has craved out such a better life for himself, but he is not content to stop there. he has set these awesome goals and he is meeting every single one of them by never wavering on his commitment. Every time we see each other I am inspired to get moving even harder and to set tough goals for myself and continue to work until I get them. Right now he has challenged himself to walk 10 miles a week. I remember like five years ago when we went to Disneyland, walking all day in that park was really hard on both of us, but I bet if we were to do that again, he would just be flying through the park. I have decided I am going to join him on his quest. I am going to walk 10 miles a week for a few weeks and then I am going to bump it up to 15 miles a week.
People are kind of awesome. I have not always felt this way. In fact, for a good majority of my life I have felt pretty much the opposite. yet, when I look around my life, I see awesomeness everywhere. I have a friend who knew exactly what she wanted to do at 12 years old, never wavered and this week she took the BAR exam. She is the single most driven awesome person I know and it is inspiring. My long lost best friend Jessica has been working her ass off in New York and on Cruise ships and everywhere else she can to work as a professional actress and she has these amazing stories, and pictures and vlogs from the last few years and all I can think about is how hard I have seen her work in her life and how amazing it is to see it paying off for her. Every where I look I am inspired by the people around me. it is time to start paying some of that back to the world. I have been in some pretty negative space a lot this summer, but I have been coming out of it over the last few weeks and I can feel myself starting to get back to where I was when 2013 started. I can see the beauty of life surrounding me and I owe a lot of it to my friends and my family and everyone who is doing something they love.
Keep rocking good readers. You can never really know who is watching you and rooting for you and who you may inspire or what may inspire someone. I never expected myself to be this person, but there is beauty and inspiration everywhere! We just have to be open to seeing it. Seriously, did I just say that? Hell with it, I am going to roll with this new positive cheery persona. Be awesome my friends, because there is a good chance you inspire me!
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