Monday, August 27, 2012

The boy, his bike, the wind and exploration


As a youth with a paper route, I traveled everywhere via bike. I loved riding a bike. I hated riding my bike at 6 in the morning on a Sunday delivering newspapers, but I loved my bike. I was great on a bike too. I was not a trick doer or anything, but I could get moving. I remember when my mom let me first take my bike further than my elementary school. I thought I was a the coolest thing ever. Those rides to AM/PM felt like absolute freedom. This was before girls, before I was self conscious, before high school, even before the awful trials of middle school. It was just a boy, his bike, probably the wind (at least in my poetic memory of it), and all the awesome dirt dunes of Woodland before houses went up everywhere. The memory of it is thick with boyhood nostalgia.

As I got older, I started to hate traveling by bike. I would get so sweaty and a sweaty Kyle is not a cute look. So, eventually like most things of boyhood, the bike collected dust, took up space and eventually vanished from my life and honestly, the joyous memories faded as well. I became wrapped up in girls, school, theater, work and all of the drama that a teenage life offers. There was just no more time for the boy, his bike and that poetic wind. There was no more of Woodland left for me to explore in a Goonies like fashion. Now, I have this serious loathing of people on bikes. The pretentiousness of Davis bicyclers leaves me fuming on a regular basis. They do not obey traffic laws, or even laws of common sense. I have witnessed Davis bicyclers nearly run down animals, small children and flip people off even though they were in the wrong. It has soured the idea of bicycling for me.

Well, as my knee issues persist to varying degrees many people have suggested bike riding as a low impact workout and I am nothing if not willing to be open minded. Plus, Martina appears to very much have a fondness for riding bikes. She has an extra one and right behind our apartment is a bike trail. There is just no excuse for not giving it a shot. Today I did. I got on a bike for the first time in at least a decade, probably longer and honestly, I enjoyed the hell out of it. I need a bike of my own, or at least a wrench so we can raise the seat, but I had a hell of a time. We biked roughly 5 miles and we were gone around an hour and I cannot wait to do it again. It was so relaxing riding with the river on our left and just above the street, so we were not in traffic. There it was again, a boy, his bike, the wind and a new world to explore. Except this time, I am not exploring it alone. I have this awesome companion pushing me, encouraging me and keeping me smiling the whole way.

About 10 minutes into our biking it all came back. This giant windfall of nostalgia hit me and there I was 12yrs old again, just enjoying the world. The cliche when you have not done something in a while is "it is like riding a bicycle." Riding a bike is one skill that just never goes away. Sure, I was a little wobbly at first and it took me a few minutes to remember how the whole mechanics of my body were supposed to move. But when I did, boy did it feel great. I, of course, did not pace myself and got pretty wiped towards the end, but not so much so that I hated it. The entire time I just kept thinking "Why did I ever stop this?" At what point did the idea of a boy, his bike, the wind and the exploration stop being awesome? Probably never, I just got distracted. I need to remind myself that disconnecting from the electronic world is great. For a shade over an hour, I did not look at my cell phone, or bother with anything. It was just about being out in the world and having fun. As long as exercise is not work, I think I can stay with it.

Anything that makes me feel the freedom I felt when my mom let me ride my bike to Main Street and beyond, is something I need to revisit. Things are a struggle again in my professional life. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of feeling like I am a failure in various aspects and I am tired of stressing out over things that I cannot control. So what can I do? I can peddle. I can get on that bike and take off. You know, just a boy, his bike, the poetic wind, and the world he has yet to conquer. Who knows, maybe there is a buried treasure and a pirate ship out there waiting for a 32 year old boy to find it.


Oh that picture is not the bike I am riding.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The B**** of moving


Having been caught up in all of the things that come with moving, I have neglected the blog over the last week. One sometimes forgets exactly how much is involved with the moving process. It becomes more so when you are combining two lives into one place. The combining of our stuff actually worked out pretty well. Martina supplied all of the furniture, the kitchen ware, and the giant television, and I supplied all of the movies and books. With two key friends helping us move, we managed to get everything over to our new place between last Thursday and this Monday. As of yesterday we are completely unpacked and totally at home in our new apartment.

Among the complications of moving is food. When you are in the middle of moving and you have not unpacked kitchen ware, or you have not had time to go shop for food, yet alone prepare it, what do you do? The old moving stand by is pizza. I can recall countless times where pizza and moving went together like hipsters and complaining. In the last 2 plus years I have lived in 2 places in Woodland, 2 places in Davis and now I am in my second place in Sacramento. That is more moves than any one person should make in that short amount of time, but I think it qualifies me to say that pizza is the absolute most common moving food. If you have people to help you move, you supply them with pizza and beer. When you are worn out from packing boxes or moving boxes or unpacking boxes, you get pizza delivered. This is very difficult when you are desperately trying to minimize your pizza intake. I am not going to lie, I struggled a bit during the packing process. Pizza is just such an easy food and it is cheap to feed a few mouths with it. Generally speaking everyone loves pizza and it can appease carnivores and vegetarians. It is just such a jolly food.

Now that we are settled though, we are trying to make a strong commitment to eating at home more and cooking more. There will always be fish and chicken in our freezer. During the moving process when we went out to eat, I got salads. We ate Subway instead of Taco Bell for quick food. They are small changes, but they are dramatic changes for me. Typically moving stresses me out so hardcore, and eating has always momentarily alleviated that. I have loved to just binge on really awful food during the most stressful of times and I am at a place in my life where I am dealing with my stress in much healthier ways. It helps with the move and it is helping with me being so unbelievably broke. In the short term I spend more money on food, but in the long term, I save money. I spend more on groceries, but less per meal. It took me a while to understand that concept, but now that I get it, it is like, well duh.

The weight loss has returned as well. Many of the t-shirts that I have had for 4 or 5 years are just giant on me now, the same with many of my undershirts and even my underwear. I can look at myself in the mirror and notice the change. For someone who has avoided looking in mirrors at all costs since I was at least 14 years old, it is quite nice to look at myself and not hate what is staring back at me. No, I am nowhere near where I want to be, but seeing progress, even small progress, fills me with such calm and a quiet drive to keep doing the work. This attitude adjustment is as much of a reason for the weight loss as the diet and exercise. It is insane what a tweak in attitude can do for a person. Over the last few months many people have commented on just how much happier I seem than I have in the past. I have no idea how people saw me in the past, but I know that just about everyone can see the positive changes and that helps. I am still doing everything I can to take steps to being a happier, stronger more fulfilled Kyle.

This week begins our first week really living in our new home. I am hoping to discover some of things surrounding us. Martina has two bikes and we are near a bike path, so maybe, just maybe, I will get on a bike for the first time in a decade. We live near gorgeous houses and I am hoping to go on walks to see some of the details you cannot see from a car. We do not have tennis rackets yet, but that will happen soon. Most importantly, I feel like I want to be surrounded by people more. I want to host game nights, and have people over for dinner and movies. I want to share this great thing that is happening to me. I want to be surrounded by other people who are positive influences in my life. I am tired of living a quiet existence. I am tried of not feeling like people would want to be around me. I am awesome and it is time to start showing the world!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The problem with costumes


From my first show in high school, I knew there would be a big issue with performing in theater: costumes. Costuming a guy my size has never been an easy task, I am sure. I have worn enough of my own clothes in shows to know that costumers do not enjoy searching out ways to costume a guy my size. Along with walking down the aisles of an airplane staring at the faces hoping I was not sitting next to them, seeing a costumer for the first time has always caused me anxiety. I have had some great costumers, but I have also had some pretty mean spirited costumers in my day that have caused me to really dread the moment of getting measured and fitted. There is a special kind of self hatred one gets when a costumer has to pull out the big tape measure in order to get your measurements.

For the longest time, I kept a series of clothes and shoes that I thought I might need for shows. This included really tight wrangler jeans, a leather jacket (which I still own), cowboy boots, chucks, various button up shirts and a few blazers. This arsenal of clothes I would never wear in my daily life was meant to ease the stress level of the frazzled costumer. Over the years however, costuming in a show has been a pretty good barometer of where I stood in terms of my size. The last 4 years have been a constant battle with weight loss. When I was living in the apartment behind Erik's house, I had finished the worst summer of my personal life and had lost enough weight to where I could finally start buying shirts that were XXXL and not XXXXL. It was a monumental moment in my life and it was around the time I started doing The Drowsy Chaperone the first time. The costumer borrowed a suit that I had worn in a show a mere 5 months earlier and when I wore it the first time, it was a tad bit snug and for Drowsy, it was too big. This was at a time when over a 14 month span I lost roughly 50 pounds. It was such a great measure of where I had gone in only 5 months. It showed me what was possible.

However, I got stalled and eventually the weight started coming back on. When I did Titanic earlier this year, I felt like I was at the heaviest I had been in quite a few years. It was part of why I decided I was ready for this journey. I was tired all of the time and having a tough time with keeping up with just my one number. It was during the fitting for that show where the extra long tape measure got busted out. It was this giant personal moment of embarrassment for me. I worked so hard just a few short years ago and it had all been lost. Titanic was also right at the height of some of the most stressful months of my life professionally and I was finishing the big project for my teaching credential and I dealt with stress through food. I should have taken that extra long tape measure as a sign that I needed a change, but I was not ready yet.

As my regular readers know, this journey really helped me through Joseph. I felt more agile, more energetic, and more comfortable in my own skin and it led to me giving one of my favorite performances. People tend to know me as a mix of faux arrogance and genuine self doubt, but Joseph is a performance about which I was very proud. Much of that has to do with this renewed sense of energy. I knew with a Gino choreographed and Bobby directed show coming up directly after Joseph, I was going to have to not only sustain that renewed sense of energy, but raise it. Last night at the beginning of rehearsal, I had a chance to revisit that same suit from Drowsy two years ago. It was even bigger on me this time than last time. However, that was not even the end of it. Every article of clothing the costumer had me try on FIT!! This never happens. She found clothes at a thrift store that fit me. Yes, they are big clothes, but they are legitimate XXXL button up shirts and they all fit. Normally I have to go through a bunch of shirts before we find anything that fits me. It also means I am at a size that is carried at thrift stores for the first time in I do not know how long. This was a giant lift on a really horrible day.

The journey is paying off. Last night's intense dance rehearsal left me exhausted and sore, but I kept up in a way that is foreign to me. My muscle memory is stronger than it has been in years, my stamina kept me pumped up and even though I was tired, I did not mark a single run through of the choreography. I am so close to being on time with a spin that plagued me last time I did the show. On top of that, I am feeling like I can keep up with this energetic cast and all of the physical bits Bobby has us doing. I am not as out of breath and I am keep pushing myself to try new and different things and not just rely on my size to try and get laughs or reactions. This is exactly what I needed to remind myself why I am putting myself through this.

This weekend is the big move. My life starts a new chapter and I know I need to rededicate myself to pushing this journey through. Tennis, bike rides, walks, vegetables, chicken, fish and continued positive thoughts are going to help make this life transition smooth and fun. Once I am all settled in the new place I plan on sitting down and really focusing my goals, giving myself specific places I want to be by specific times. I hope you will all continue with me. I love to hear stories from people who are going through similar things or have gone through similar things. You all inspire me to keep trying to be the best version of myself I can possibly be.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Playing with pain


This blog posting will be divided into two sections. The first one will be about playing through the physical pain and the second will be about emotional pain.

This weekend was closing weekend of Joseph and on Saturday night I re-aggravated my knee injury. I skipped the Megamix both Saturday and Sunday because the pain was just killing me, but I refused to change any of the other choreography. I am known for being stubborn (just ask my girlfriend), but I am also tired of letting this knee get the best of me. I am never going to get anywhere if I let the pain take hold of me and choke me out. Keeping that in mind, I did something awesome and stupid this morning. I desperately wanted to get back to walking now that the show is over. I have not been out for a walk in too long and I was determined to go out there this morning. With my walking shoes on, my two knee braces and my iPod, I headed out into the world for a familiar walk. However, I got sidetracked. I got sidetracked by all of the frustrations with which I have been dealing. The lack of job prospects, the pain in my knee, the weight loss stand still, and some other emotional frustrations were weighing heavy on my mind and I needed to walk them out and walk them out I did. I nearly outwalked my playlist. Instead of turning around at my usual spot, I turned left onto a walking path through a park. My mind was so lost in this space of "I can cardio-out my issues that I kept walking. Next thing I knew, I was so far away from home that the round trip was going to be roughly an hour! I went from not walking in weeks to walking for an hour. Except, that it was not a 60 minute walk, no, I pushed myself even harder today and jogged for 10 minutes. I jogged for 10 minutes. I cannot remember the last time I did anything close to that. It was ugly, but it was so needed. I needed to prove to myself that this journey is in fact real and that I am working towards something real. It let me know that I need to set some serious long term goals. This needs to be more real.

A little over a month ago, I received a few text messages from numbers I did not know. They were pretty mean text messages aimed at this journey. I ignored them, deleted them and did not think about them after that night. I knew there was a chance I would get some of that when I decided to make this journey public. it is part of our modern culture. It is not the first time I have dealt with people calling me fat, and it was not even the most creative version of a fat joke I have ever heard. Seriously, if you are going to make fun of people, remember we have been made fun of our entire life and have heard every joke. If you want to come at me, be original because, otherwise I will just insult your intelligence and at that point, it is just not fair to you (getting off track). Last night when I got to rehearsal I got 3 emails letting me know I had comments on the blog, which is always weird when I have not posted in a little while, but exciting still. These comments were anonymous and they were incredibly mean. They were the kind of vile that I would think could only come from someone who had a true, honest hatred of me. I am not sure if I have hurt anyone to the point where they would want to just rip me apart, but I doubt it.

The anonymity of the internet is a scary, awful thing. Some say it is the most pure form of free speech, but it is a place of cowardice, sadness and cruelty. These comments could have been made by people for whom I care deeply or they could be random assholes who stumbled onto my blog. I have no way of knowing, but last night they devastated me. Last night they took me to a very scary place, a place I had not seen much since middle school. There is so much anger and hatred in the world already, do we really need to go attacking people anonymously online in order to make it worse? I felt so insanely defeated last night. The whole point of this blog was to inspire others, and more importantly, inspire myself. It was not meant as a place where mean people come question my knee injury, or tell me how much of a loser I am. If I wanted that, I would have never left middle school.

There was a moment where I considered just shutting down this blog and continuing my journey without the scrutiny of the public. However, I like writing about the journey. I like sharing my trials and my victories. I like that people feel apart of this. I like that when people see me, they feel compelled to come tell me they are rooting for me, I like being able to tell them that I am rooting for myself. So, I find myself in a quandary. I think mostly though, I want to continue this because I believe deep down that I will be successful. And what better way to shut down negativity than with actions? So many successful people have a chip on their shoulder because they were rejected, or faced negativity and they used that fuel their fire. I have never been that kind of guy, but maybe I can be. Maybe I take this negativity and spin into into inspiration. If you know me, you know I love to be right and I love to make other people wrong. This might be the perfect example. If I succeed, I am right and all of these nasty people are wrong. I can build myself up instead of tearing them down. I know I have a tremendous amount of support in this journey, so if I can use the positive energy and the negative energy, maybe, just maybe I can get where I want to go.

I have decided I will continue blogging and I will continue to let comments be posted and I will let them be anonymous if they so choose. From now on, I will not be deleting mean comments either. I will not engage them, but I will use them to help me reach my goal. I choose to use all of the energy I can muster to do good. There is enough nastiness in the world, I want to be a part of the solution, not add to the problem. I am vowing to be nicer to everyone, and to help everyone I can, because we have no idea what kind of day someone else is having and perhaps one gesture can change a mood. Mostly, I just never want to be the kind of guy who hides behind the anonymity of the internet to spew pointless venom.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Food, glorious food

I have been thinking long and hard about what to tackle in this blog post. I feel like I might have tapped out the mental health aspect of this journey for a little while. I worry about repeating myself and that repetition will cause people to lose interest in reading this, which of course, no writer wants. I am still taking it easy on my knee, at least until the show is over and I jump deep into choreography for the next show. I know that Gino, my choreographer is going to make me work and I love it and I want to make sure my ass is ready to go when the time comes for me to move.

There are other topics on my mind, but they are not really in the realm of what this blog has become and last time I veered away from the focus of this blog, not too many people appeared interested. So I think I am going to talk a bit more about food and/or dieting.

Since I began this journey I have received a variety of opinions on what to eat and how to eat it. Vegetarians are telling me how much they lost just from cutting meat out of their diet, my best friend tells me he lost all this weight eating tons of meat and I have received opinions everywhere in between. Everyone has a book, or an article, or a website that supports their way of eating. I know a girl who bases her diet on her sign. She swears her doctor told her it is the way to go. It is shocking how easy it is to find someone with a specific degree that can back up what you are looking for. I am going to hunt for a doctor who tells me a steady diet of Mike and Ike's and Ice Cream will be the key to weight loss. Jokes aside, different diets work for different people. Different choices work for different people and lifestyles. I know I could never completely cut out bread products right now because Subway sandwiches are a part of my diet and will be for at least the next few weeks as I go between my house and my girlfriend's house. I have looked at every different diet that has been mentioned to me. I want people to know I do this in earnest.

I briefly toyed with the idea of attempting a few weeks of being a vegetarian. I really did, but I have yet to eat a veggie patty that really tasted good. It is not because I do not like vegetables, it is just I am not sure how many meals I can eat without chicken or fish. I may still give it a shot after reaching out to my vegetarian friends for recipes and meal ideas. I guarantee nothing, of course, but it might be an interesting experiment to see how I feel. At the moment, I feel good eating what I am eating. I have completely replaced all of my usual bad snacking habits with fruits, vegetables and nuts. I do miss candy, but I find myself missing ice cream much less than I imagined. I am eating breakfast 5 or 6 days a week right now, which is unheard of for me, but I also know that if I get a teaching job, the odds of me getting up in time to cook a full breakfast are incredibly slim, therefore I will probably get used to making smoothies.

So much of my life, right now, is in a state of flux. It is very hard to maintain a healthy attitude, focus and drive when this black cloud lingers above my head. When will I get a job? As someone who has spent far too much time without a job over the last four years, it is getting increasingly difficult to keep afloat. I try so hard to smile through the gloominess, but every time I think about it, I mean really think about it, I panic. Where will my income be coming from when I move? I no longer have student loans to fall back on. I could be heading into a free fall of built up debt and sadness. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to continue this path of healthy living. I really am. I am doing what I can to eat well, and live well. I am taking time for myself to relax and read or play video games, or hang out with loved ones, but in the back of it all is this bitch slap of a realization that my life cannot even be paycheck to paycheck because I do not even have a paycheck.

I feel like no matter what I say or do, I am literally just waiting for a job. I am waiting to move, I am waiting for employment and I am waiting to feel like I have my feet on solid ground. It is very tough to go for a walk or a run when you sink every time you put your feet on the ground. I think part of the reason I am trying so hard to focus on my health right now is that it is something over which I have some control. I can choose to eat a salad or a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger and it is shocking how much power there is in just being able to choose that. However, without any income at all, it is getting tougher and tougher to eat at all! Maybe I will end up losing weight based solely on an inability to afford meals. I am kidding, of course, I will continue to find ways to eat on a regular basis.

Ugh, this blog post took a depressing turn and for that I apologize. I am actually feeling pretty good right now, but I guess when I sit down to write, my fingers refuse to let me skip anything. I have been betrayed by my hands, like Guy Montag. If my former seniors read this blog, they would hate me for that reference. Well, the ones who paid attention would. Okay, how I can right the ship that is this blog post. I am tired of feeling like I am a downer. I am not some emo teen using his or her blog to write trite and awful sad poetry. I mean to motivate myself and others. What motivates you? I am curious to what motivates people when they are struggling? I motivate myself by talking to my loved ones. I got to see Taylor this week and I get to see Erik tomorrow. Plus, I have Martina. She is a great motivator. I am totally rambling now. I should just hit the eject button and admit this has gotten away from me.

One last thing. My awesome person moment. This week it is a collective of people. My director, Bobby, two cast members, Colton and Jessica, and 2 random fireman. My car had run out of gas, as it is prone to do (my gas gauge does not work) and Bobby, Colton and Jessica took time after rehearsal to help me and stay with me all the way until I got it running again. The two random fireman helped by giving me free gas and helping us get my car running. It was a embarrassing night and they all helped me get back on my way. It was awesome of all of them!