What is my motivation?

Not sure how many regular followers I have ever had with this blog, but for those of you who are/were regular readers, you have assuredly realized I have been absent for quite some time. I wish I could say that I have been so incredibly busy shedding pounds and getting ripped, but that is simply not true. This actually does not have anything to do with being too busy. The opposite is true, in fact. In my second year of teaching, I have gotten a stranglehold on my time management like crazy. I am ahead in my planning, I am grading at a solid pace without getting too backed up, and I rarely have to stay late at school this year.

What it amounts to is a lack of motivation. I stopped caring about my three year endeavor. Other things mattered more. Other things matter more. I decided to write a novel this summer. That was more important. Once the school year started, and my free time was more limited, I did not want to fill it with workouts from which I stopped seeing results. I had not lost weight in some time. Actually, I had gained weight back. Even with my workouts, and not eating fast food, and not drinking soda, or too much other sugary garbage, I started to put weight back on. This did not inspire me. This did not throw me back into hardcore workouts. All it did was extinguish the flame that had burned so well for so long.

Of course, I have noticed the difference in my life without even small workouts. Every day is a bit of a drag, and my body ached every night, but not that good ache of progress. It was that bad ache of sadness, or lethargy. That old friend, Shortness of Breath, had come back to visit. Nights have been restless to say the least. Yet, I continued to stay unmotivated. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat ice cream. My 5:15 in the morning workouts were completely fruitless. I was getting up, and going down to the gym and walking for 15-20 minutes, but the reality was, I was not committed to the idea, and thus, my track record for getting up at that time was spotty. What was the point?

What is the point? I have a great life. I have a job that inspires and stimulates me, and that fulfills so many of my own personal needs. I have a fiancée who loves me, and I have great friends. So what if I spent my life a bit lethargic and out of shape? This is the exact mind with which I spent so much time my entire life and it had served me well enough, right?

WRONG!!! Every single day of this school year I have felt disgusted. Every single day of this school year I have felt useless once the school day was over. Every single day. Even though I had put a few pounds back on, the daily workouts had served a purpose. They got me up and moving and thinking about life in a positive way. As I found myself falling deeper and deeper into isolation, I kept thinking I would just snap out of it, that it would pass as so many other things had. It was only this last weekend that I realized how wrong I was. Certain feelings do not just pass through, they fester. They hang out until you DO SOMETHING. It was time to do something.

This week I began fresh with what will hopefully be a new routine. Tuesday morning and this morning I got up at 4:15 and went outside for a walk/job that measured out to around 2 miles worth of cardio. It felt amazing. Last night I solved my sleeping issue. I was exhausted, but in a completely different way. It was exhaustion from having completed a full day. It was the most satisfying kind of exhaustion. I hit my mattress last night, and instead of the anxiety of the day washing over me, I was met with a quiet mind, and a quiet body. Instead of tossing and turning for hours hoping for sleep to catch up to me, I turned Pandora on (Regina Spektor station), cuddled with Gatsby for a few moments, and then, without giving it another thought, I was carried away to dreamland. On top of that, I did not have anxiety filled violent dreams. It was a peaceful sleep.

Now, I am not deluded into thinking every night is going to be like that, but just being active from 4:30-5:10 in the morning, and then giving myself time to have a proper breakfast, and allow myself time to stretch and make sure my body was fresh for the day has made a ton of difference. This morning’s workout was interrupted by rain, but it felt awesome, and getting home and having time to get myself together was great. Not being in a rush is spectacular. My entire mindset has changed in these last two days. Maybe I will never lose the kind of weight I hope to lose. Maybe I will never be as healthy as I would hope to be, because my priorities do not allow for that. It is more important for me to be a great teacher, than to be in great shape. However, that does not mean I should stop trying to find a way to be more active, and to keep trying to be in shape, and keep trying to lose weight.

Year three of this life change has been tough in terms of my own physical and mental fitness. Any weight loss blog you read will eventually come around to the dreaded plateau section. I have hit plateau after plateau over the last few years, but this current one hit me like a hammer. For months it weighed me down. I have not overcome this plateau, but I changed my perspective. I reminded myself that this was never about the weight I lost, but about the progress I made to positively change my life. This was meant to be about feeling better, and being better, not about a specific loss weight target. That is what I need to focus on. Everything else will come as it comes.

Every so often I find that I am hitting my head against a wall repeatedly, in a metaphorical sense. Eventually I realize that the wall is not the problem, my head is. The wall is not going to change, so I have to change my perception of the wall. It does not always work, but more often than not, a change in perspective can do wonders for the disquiet mind, body, and soul.