Last night I went to sleep with the idea that I would get up at around 8:30 when the kitten usually starts attacking my feet to wrestle me from slumber. I would get up, make breakfast and go to the gym for a short workout. I work tonight so I planned on keeping the workout short so I have the ability to stand for 7 hours. As often is the case, plans did not exactly work out. I was woken up by a phone call from the city of Sacramento wanting money for a ticket. Starting next week the hours at work are being cut and my already minimal paychecks are going to take another hit. Between all of my bills, I have no idea how any of this is going to work. The phone call this morning just sent me over the edge. When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I knew it was going to be a couch, junk food binge and television kind of day. Then I remembered my goals and everything that I was working for and I decided I needed to go to the gym, even if it was only for 15 minutes.
Begrudgingly I headed down to the gym, but I knew my workout playlist was not going to work for me today. I did not want upbeat songs. I was not in the mood for danceable music. Screw that noise. I needed something that appealed to my current state of mind, which was slightly bitter, somewhat anxious and mostly just angry. I knew I could find that in the voice of Mumford and Sons. The tempos are great for working out because when that banjo kicks in you just want to move as fast as humanly possible, but the lyrics and the vocals are thoughtful, introspective and rich with meaning. This workout was going to be quick and dirty and I needed to stay focused on my frustration. Mumford and sons was perfect for that.
The goal: 15 minutes on the treadmill. What follows is my own recounting of my time in the gym today.
Minute 1: Ugh, Maybe I should only go five minutes today. What is the point honestly? Nothing is working right now. Why am I even here?
Minute 3: (hearing Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,/ And I believe in grace and choice/ And I know perhaps my heart is fast,/ But I’ll be born without a mask) Why is my voice telling me to stop, that is not my voice. That is my fear, but my voice is not my fear and my fear is not my voice. I can push on!
Minute 8: Half way done. This is killing me. Why did I decide to go for 15 minutes? I am too fat for this nonsense. I bet if anyone came in they would think I am just some stupid guy who is going to quit his resolution in a few weeks. Maybe they are right. (then blasting through my ear buds: Now I'll be bold/ As well as strong/ And use my head alongside my heart "I'll be bold, as well as strong. I can do this." Did I just say that out loud? Yes I did. Time to turn up the speed a bit.
Minute 13: Two minutes until done. This was not too bad. Maybe I should go for 20 minutes. I can do this. Man this album is perfect for working out.
Minute 17: WHY?????? I can just stop now. I hit my 15 minute mark. Singing in my head: So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light/ 'Cause oh that gave me such a fright/ But I will hold as long as you like/ Just promise me we'll be alright Push it Kyle. see that light. Feel that light in the darkness. This too shall pass, right? Push through the pain.
Minute 20: Why stop now? Mumford sings of grace, heart, resilience, redemption and sacrifice. Am I not worth redemption? Am I not capable of sacrifice? I can do 30 minutes on a treadmill! Faster!!!
Minute 21: Why am I an idiot. This is so hard!
Minute 22: Mumford and Sons sings to me: But hold me fast, Hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/ And hold me fast, Hold me fast/ 'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ The skies I'm under And the banjo is kicking and Mumford is so full of life and trust in his voice and I am wrapped up in the poetry of the moment and I realize Mumford is talking to me. I will learn to live the skies I'm under. These are my skies, this is my life and I need to embrace it. I can embrace it. And most of all I can do 30 minutes on a damn treadmill because the alternative is watching television.
Minute 30: BOOM!!! Done! Nailed it! But what if I moved to the bike and put on Mumford's first album? No, I am done. Mumford sings: We will run and scream/ You will dance with me/ They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free I want to be free. I want to dance, run and scream. I can do a few minutes on the bike.
Minute 60: HOLY CRAP!!!!
Today I turned a begrudging 15 minute workout into an exhilarating 60 minute workout. I took myself to the brink of what I thought I could handle, and I jumped over that mental barrier. When the workout was over, I wandered for a few minutes outside and enjoyed the air and the sun with Mumford and Sons still blaring through my ear buds. Something clicked inside of me today. There was this spark ignited and I realized that the only thing stopping me is me. I killed it today and when it was done, I was not exhausted, I was energized and alive. If this post seems indulgent, I apologize, but I was seriously motivated through the lyrics of these songs. They spoke to me and helped me realize that hope and redemption are motivators. They showed me how resiliency and triumph can have every day functionality. It was quite a morning!
I've had many of those days and it's very rewarding to finish after all the mental talk of quiting the whole time. Each time I walk away so happy I went through with it and pushed farther, yet I fight the battle all to often. I hope that you keep killing it! Happy New Year!
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