2014: The year of cutting out the nonsense

This post comes courtesy of a two hour long brunch with my best friend Erik. As Erik recently turned 30 and I am about to head into my mid-30s, we were having a conversation about how things have changed as we have gotten older, and one of the biggest changes we have found recently, is that we are done dealing with the nonsense. To be honest, the word we used was not nonsense, but this is a family safe blog, so I made the decision to censor myself here.

Over the last few years, I have talked at length about getting rid of the toxic people/things in my life, and to be honest, it has been awesome. This new attitude goes beyond that. It gets at this idea that I feel like I am at a place in my life, where I do not have time for games or double speak or passive aggressive behaviors. I am at a place in my life, where I want to be up front with people and I expect them to do the same, and if they are not going to be up front, it is time to stop wasting energy on their collective nonsense. I have become more liberal about blocking/unfriending/unfollowing people from various social media sites if I get tired of the nonsense. This is not about getting rid of people who disagree with me, but getting rid of people who are posting things just to get a rise out of people without really paying attention to what they are posting, especially not researching stupid memes. This is about getting rid of people who complain nonstop about awful things are, but do nothing to fix their personal situation. This is about making my entire social media experience more worthwhile.

It is also about not wasting time on people who are not really important to me. I have enough people in my life who actually care, that why would I waste time on people who clearly do not care about my life? When you start to think about who matters NOW as opposed to who has mattered in the past, life gets much more focused. At some point, the past has to stay in the past. This is something we have been discussing in class recently, as we read through The Great Gatsby. My students get stuck on things they cannot change, and I have some students who are trying so hard to recapture a moment with a specific person, and we are reading this book about a guy who destroys multiple lives by doing that. It is possible to acknowledge having loved someone, and yet still allow yourself to truly move on in life to something bigger and better.

This also gets at the idea of just putting yourself out there without worrying too much about what other people will think. Last week I had the opportunity to spend a few days in Utah with a bunch of people I had never met. If this had happened in my 20s, I would have probably had a miserable time. I would have ordered almost no food, I would not have said anything that could have been taken in a way different from I meant it, and no one would have gotten to know me. This time, I had no shame in ordering whatever food I wanted to eat. I went back from seconds if I still felt hungry, and I felt like I was very open about who I am, the kind of teacher I am, and the kind of life I lead. There was a time when I avoided any conversation about my background in the Mormon faith. But on this trip, I was very upfront about it. I was going to tell people who I was and let them decide if I was someone they wanted to talk to. it was a completely freeing experience. The minute you allow yourself to just be you, flaws and all, everything gets infinitely more clear. You gain insight into yourself, and how you relate to other people. I knew that this person wanted to talk to me because of who I am, not because of who I was trying to be.

For years I tried to be everything to everyone else, and I allowed myself to be sucked into the nonsense. I bought all of the nonsense. I was not taking care of myself, and I was not growing, or learning anything about how I related to the world honestly. 2014 is going to go down as the year where I learned to honestly communicate to the world. I preach honesty in my classroom above all else. I ask my students for honest feedback because how can I grow as a teacher if the people who are being taught by me do not have a way to express how I am doing. it has led to an awesome, if sometimes overwhelming, dialogue between myself and my students, but also among my students themselves. I believe that I have an obligation to my students to practice what I preach, so that is my big key right now. If you ask me something, I am going to cut through the nonsense. If you want to know something about me, I am going to cut through the nonsense. Be prepared for truth. I cannot promise it will always be tactful, but it will always be sincere. Let us all practice sincere honesty. Let us all put our real selves out there because that way we know who is really there for us, and not just because we are pretty.

2014: Down with the nonsense, up with the sincere honesty. let's make it a thing!

A conversation with a student

Last week I subbed in a P.E class, which in and of itself is not news. I have subbed in a drama class, a math class, and now P.E. The kids had what essentially wound up being a free play day. I passed out basketballs, volley balls, and soccer balls. The students just had to be playing one of those three sports for the 40 minutes of class. Once class started I picked up a basketball and started shooting hoops with one of the students who happened to be a student of mine from one of my actual classes. We chatted about everything and nothing while we shot hoops and it was fun for me, and I think fun for him. At some point, I decided I needed to stop playing basketball and start just watching the students. The student took this opportunity to ask me a bit about some rumors he had heard from other students. He asked if it was true that I had lost like 70 lbs recently and I responded that I had. He hesitated after that, but I could tell that he had more he wanted to ask, so I told him that I was pretty open to talking about my battles with weight if he wanted to ask more. The first question he asked afterwards was whether I had a tough time in high school because of my weight. As soon as he asked he apologized, and said that he was just curious because I seemed so happy and confident, and he was wondering if I was always that way.

I thought about it for a few moments before responding because I wanted to come across as honest, but hopeful. I wanted to answer in a way that my student could maybe take something away from the conversation and feel like he was okay. I could tell he was asking because he, himself, is over weight. He is not obese by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a bit on the heavy side. After what probably seemed like hours, I told him that in middle school I cried almost every day after school because of how mean everyone was. I told him that I do not have any of my middle school yearbooks because other students stole it and wrote really mean anonymous things about me in them. Then I told him that high school was an absolute blast for me. I told him that my battle with weight has always been a struggle, but when I stop making it an issue for myself, it never bothers me when other people tried to make it an issue. I told him that when I was younger I used to think my weight caused my unhappiness, but really, I used it as a crutch to make excuses for why I did not do things with people in high school. The fact of that matter is, high school was a ton of fun for me when I let myself just enjoy it. Then I turned to him and told that that college was awesome, and that while my life has had the same amount of ups and downs as many other people, recently, I have tried to focus on the positives in my life and it has done wonders for me in every aspect.

The young man sat there when I was done like he was not entirely sure what to do with the information, so I tried to approach it from another angle. I asked him if he was unhappy, and he said that he felt like his extra weight was holding him back from being social. He worried that people would judge him for being chubby. He wanted to know what I did to start losing the weight, and if it would be too hard for him. It was in that moment that I realized just how much of an impact this conversation could potentially have. It caused me to really look inside myself as a teacher, and as a person. I love to teach my students the ins and outs of grammar, and the symbolic nature of the green light that remains just out of Jay Gatsby's reach, but my first job is to help young people. I told this absolute joy of a young man that I stopped playing sports because I was afraid of what people would say about me because I was fat. I was miserable until I found theater. I told him that finding something you love to do will help alleviate a bunch of that anxiety. Connecting to other people around a common interest makes things easier. I then told him that my weight started coming off when I stopped wishing for a quick way to lose weight and started to put the work in. I told him that the short cuts never stick. The only way to get healthy is to work at it. I told him that the best thing he could do was to stop drinking the 2 liters of soda I often see him with, and for him to shoot hoops every day, or find a physical activity he enjoys and repeat it.

The conversation went on, and I think that when it ended, he left feeling better about where he was headed. The conversation has stuck with me for the last 4 or 5 days. My sophomore year in high school I was struggling mightily with myself. It was actually kind of scary when I look back on it. A friend of mine found some writing of mine that worried her, and not knowing what to do from there, she talked to our biology teacher about it. My parents were called (I did not know this at the time), and the administration was informed, but my teacher asked my parents, the counselors, and the vice principal if he could talk to me about what was going on. His name was Mr. Rathbun. One day he asked me if I would come to his class after school to help him move stuff around his classroom, and when I showed up, he sat me down and talked to me for nearly two hours. He did so without judgement, without any concrete answers, and without any stories of his own to connect to what was happening. For two hours I felt the safest I had felt since elementary school. It was a powerful life changing moment for me, and if I really think about it, it is kind of the reason being a teacher always sounded like a good option for me.

I am not saying the conversation I had with this student will be as profound to him as my conversation with Mr. Rathbun was to me, but it was a great reminder that teenagers are fragile, that they are still looking for their way, and that maybe I can help in some way because I understand what many of them are going through, and maybe my willingness to be open with my students about my struggles is one of my biggest strengths as a teacher. It reminded me that more than anything else, it is my job to make sure my students feel safe when they are with me. It also reminded me that one of the reasons I am trying to get healthy is to be a better role model for my students. It helped get me back focused on my task and made me really think about different I hope to look after summer. Weird, many people want to get in shape for summer so they can show off their beach bodies, but I want to be more in shape after summer, so I can be a better role model for my students.

I really hope this post did not come off as self indulgent, but I fear it has. I hope you know that is not the spirit of this post.