I pretend they don't, but words hurt

Before I begin, mother I apologize for any swearing in this post. I am not sure there will be any, but it is definitely possible.

Some days just suck. Today did not start out as one of those days. In fact, considering how sick I have been feeling for the last 36+ hours, I was in pretty great spirits when I woke up. I packed 6 boxes of books for our upcoming move, I cleaned the kitchen and this afternoon I topped 20,000 words for my novel. It was quite an excellent day all things considered. Then I went to Safeway to pick up Nyquil, throat drops, and a few other things. As I was leaving the store, I started to cross in the crosswalk, when this truck looked like it was not going to stop, so I stopped. I waited. The guy stopped. I waved him through. He waved me through. I waved him through, he waved me through so finally, I went. After maybe 6 steps the guy shouts out of his window "Hey move it along fatty."

Now this is not the first, second, third, fifth, twentieth, fiftieth or even hundredth time someone has shouted derogatory shit about my weight at me. It, in fact, happened just a week or so again. It started happening when I was 10 years old, happened on a daily basis through my teens, and then on a weekly basis in adulthood. I hear comments from random people in stores, I hear comments from students, and I obviously hear them when they are hurled at me loudly like today. There was a time in my life when every single one of these comments got to me. I missed school pretty much every day of 7th and 8th grade because I was tired of being mocked for being fat. I was tired of girls wondering aloud what bra size I wore. This comment today was nothing compare to some of the shit I have endured in my life. It is just a part of my life I have learned to accept because otherwise, most days would just be a nightmare. I just do not have the energy to fight every single person who shouts "Fat Ass" outside of their car.

I am not sure why, but today it hit me like the words were actually rocks being tossed at me. They stung. It hurt. A lot. I hate admitting it, because I have been in such a positive place lately, but frankly, I got to my car and nearly started crying. I know I am not unique and that there are people in this world who endure far worse than I do, which is partly why normally I can let those ugly words run off me like a warm breeze.

I want to say that I am writing this in better space, with some positive affirmation, but I am not. I am quite down. I know that people who shout things like that are probably insecure and I know that I am better than to let that get to me. I know all of the nice things my friends will say to pick me up, but frankly, right now, they do not matter. I feel awful. Some random person decided I needed to be reminded that I am fat. Once a week some random person feels the need to remind me that I am fat. As if, I am not aware of that when I wake up every morning and look in the mirror. I also wish I could say that I have accepted that I am fat, and that I am comfortable with that fact, but I have not and I am not. I have accepted that I need to appreciate my body more. I am comfortable knowing that I am fat and that I am working on myself, and that I am less fat than I was two years ago, but words hurt.

I see it all of the time. I hear students call each other names. I make snide comments about a weird looking stranger on occasion, thinking that person does not hear me, but what if that person does. I see people taking pictures of odd looking people and posting them on social media to mock them. Girls called each other bitch and slut like they are terms of endearment, but I wonder if the girls being called slut think of it as endearing? I know people get flung much worse hate than I get. I have no idea how people deal with it on a regular basis. This shit sucks. There is so much ugliness in the world, and I think, sometimes we do not think about how it hurts someone on an individual basis. My entire day was ruined by this one guy.

There is no denying that words hurt, but words can also heal. I do my best to tell the people I love, why I love them. I try to fill the world with hope, but maybe I need to extend that to strangers. Maybe I need to roll down my windows and say "Hey you look great today." Though we live in such a cynical world, that person would probably not believe me.

This is probably scatter brained and I am not sure I am arriving at any point, but I deal with thoughts through writing about them. I am not looking for pity, and I am not fishing for compliments. I am not sure what I am looking for. I do know that the next time I see someone who looks odd, or different or unique, I am not going to say anything mean. I do not want to be the reason someone gets to his/her car and nearly breaks down like I nearly did today.

I am sure next week when I hear someone call me a fat ass, I will let it roll off of me because, hey, that is the life of a fat person. But today, it has defeated me. Today it has me questioning whether I am ever going to lose enough weight to stop getting those comments from people. Today it has me wanting to turn on the TV, pop some popcorn and retreat from the world. I hate that some random guy has that much power over me in this moment.

This is usually the moment in my dark posts where I start to feel good again, but I don't. I am just going to end this with, next time you see someone and you want to ridicule them, even just to your friend, don't. It sucks to be on the receiving end of those comments for 20+ years.