Sunday, May 22, 2016

The Fear Monster myth

I always think of fear as this massive overwhelming monster with rows of razor sharp teeth gnashing together sending sparks flying in every direction. I think it has chainsaws for hands, horns that shoot fire, and a voice that could shake me to my very core, causing my insides to rupture. That's not the truth though is it? Fear is a mosquito. Small, annoying, a nagging itch in the back of my mind. It can be the monster, but on a daily basis, it is just an unswattable annoyance. A little thing that is always just a split second faster than the confidence I send to squash it. That is fear.

Fear is not the absence of confidence, it is just faster, slipperier. Instead of using my confidence to propel myself forward, I send it after fear, and I just never quite catch it. As I chase the fear, I give it more power. Every time I miss it, it grows. That is the weird thing about fear, I give it power. it does not come from a student who is giving me a hard time, and it does not come from the woman in my grad school class who clearly has her shit together, making me feel inadequate. She is not aiming to make me feel that way. I am making me feel that. I fear that I am not on her level, therefore I must not be on the level I am supposed to be to succeed. I do that, not her. In my life time, fear has gotten the better of me more often than not. 

I was going to list all of the things I have been too afraid to do, but it got lengthy and super depressing, so I deleted it. Many involved asking girls out/to dance. A big one involved staying away from college for five years because I was afraid of failing. School was supposed to be my jam. I was afraid at failing at the one thing I have proven to be good at. It should no surprise that my early twenties were pretty much my worst years. 

2016 was supposed to be dedicated to conquering fears. I was going to confront the elusive weight loss, I was going to seek publishing for my novel, and self publish my novella. I headed into the New Year as Kyle the Conqueror! It did not take long for fear to over take me. What if my novella is not good? What if I self-publish it and the only people to buy are the friends of mine who read it for free a year or two ago? Well, I guess I can push back the self-publishing thing. I mean, I started grad school, so I was going to be super busy anyway. Fear tricked me into blaming the sudden demands on my time. My novel has sat for months, without a single Google search about finding agents or writing queries or anything else. I mean, why would anyone want to read a novel about an obese protagonist anyway? They don't. People was escape. I do not offer escape. The odds that anyone who does not love me would love my novel are so unbelievably microscopic, so why try?

My favorite evasive technique is to assume failure, as to halt attempt. I cannot fail if I do not try. Fear is good at that. Beyond being slippery, it is smart. It manifests in different ways in all of us. Fear for me does not look or sound like the fear you might experience. For me it manifests in my own voice, and it appears rational and straight forward, looking out for my best interests. It is a friendly. It wants to save me the embarrassment. Then it reminds me of the times I embarrassed myself, like the spill I took in ninth grade in Ashland Oregon in front of fifty of my classmates, or the time I did ask a girl out and she thought I was joking. Those not so gentle reminders work their way into my consciousness and fester. They burrow in deep and I see them again and again, so I back off whatever thing I am trying to accomplish. 

April was National Poetry Month, and to celebrate I wrote a poem a day. I decided to continue in May too. The poetry is all over the place thematically. It looks to be from a bunch of different collections. When I read over the poems, I do notice that I write about fear and failure rather frequently. These are not empowering pieces about tackling fear, or overcoming failure, no they are super sad pieces about wanting to just go to sleep and be left alone. In these pieces, I reveal that I worry about failing more than I worry about anything else. Failure as a teacher, as a student, as a husband, as a friend. 

Fear, whether in the form of a monster or a mosquito, looms large because I allow it to. Conquering fears is actually pretty easy when you decide to do it. It is the decision that is tough. That decision puts you back into the world of humanity, and that means into the potential for failure. It is entirely possible that not a single person outside of my small friend circle will have any interest in reading my novella and novel, but the reality is, there is only one way to find out. I have lived a majority of my life as untapped potential. I am not sure where that potential lies because I have been too afraid of failing to open my potential and see how I look in it, and how I move around in it. I have no idea what I am able to accomplish because of something that starts as tiny as a bug and when I give it power, transforms. But, if I can give it power, I can also take away that power. 

That is what I am starting to do. I am chipping away at the power. Got myself back into a semi-regular workout that I know I can keep up through the end of school, and then I can turn it up in two weeks. I am going back through my novella and my novel to make sure they express what I hope they express, and do not be surprised if I start flooding your feed with links on how to find my novella. If I can chip away at this little by little, who knows what I will be capable of in a matter of weeks, maybe even days. 

1 comment:

  1. Ssi cannot bloody wait to read your novella and your novel.

    I am very glad to see that you are finding your way to the knowledge that you can and should explore you best potential - which it's clear is very great.

    Your job in life is to be the absolute best Kyle you can possibly be. Youre on your way.

    Fear is an asshole - know it well... But i have conquered most of mine, and you're aabsolutely right about that too!

    Love and respect to you, dear friend.

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