Thursday, May 31, 2012

The truth of it all

Well readers, I am not going to lie to you, I have been avoiding the blog this week. I told myself when I started this thing was pointless if I was not going to always tell the truth no matter how unflattering it is and this week has been a week of ugly truths for me. There has been so much amazing support and people have become inspired to make their own changes, or continue with their own tough journeys that I did not want to disappoint or let anyone down, so I avoided it. Shame on me, really. We all know there are going to be ups and downs, but I have tried so hard to focus on the positive, that I did not want this week to bring it all down. To be fair, my bad week did not really come with a physical health price. Shockingly, I ate very healthy, I very nearly avoided all soda and my physical activity has sky rocketed. It is in the spiritual and mental health parts where I have suffered the most.

First some good news. Yet another person sent me money to buy shoes. I did one show with this generous young lady and we were not terribly close. I promised her the money would go to continue my health quest. I might use it to see a doctor or just put it towards healthy food, or some other venture. I was floored again. It was a wonderful gift and it again caused me to wonder why people are so willing to put stock in me. Is it specifically me, they are putting stock in, or just some guy trying to get healthy? What is it about me that makes people continue to root for me, when I so often feel like a complete loser? Again, I faced the idea of investing in myself.

My culinary skills are definitely improving and anyone reading this who has good, relatively easy recipes that are healthy, please send them my way. I am not putting all of my eggs in one dietary basket. I am just trying to eat more well rounded meals and my last shopping trip included no microwavable garbage. I have been cooking on a nightly basis and I cooked chicken for the very first time this week. I still prefer red meat, but with the right spices it was good. I did the whole meal without any salt, which makes me feel really great. I have been switching off between swimming and walking and actually turned the end of my last walk into a jog, which just about killed me, but also made me feel good.

So why has this week been so tough? I have been feeling really down emotionally lately. It is hard to really explain, but I have felt like I needed an emotional purging session. I have this great girlfriend, am finally heading to a real career, have a wonderful family and a pretty supportive group of friends, but I rarely feel deserving of it and every once in a while I just freak out because there are so many people I could end up disappointing. There is this fear that one day everyone is going to wake up and realize I am not worth the trouble. I have had literal nightmares about this kind of thing. It is stupid. I know that. It comes from years of insane loneliness in my younger days, but it exists. There are days when I think I will never figure it out and if I can find some sort of light shining through in all of this, it is that this week I handled it dramatically different than I ever have in the past.

In the past, I used my weight as a reason. When people did not like me, I assumed it was because of my weight, so I kept eating, that way I could always have an excuse. I never took weight loss seriously because there is this fear that I would lose the weight and people still would not like me, or girls would still not take me seriously and then it was not about how ugly I was as a fat kid, but who I was as a person. I have always wondered what would happen if I lost weight. Would I still be me? So, I just kept eating and hiding in this shell of lonely fatness. it is a ridiculous excuse, but it worked. It kept me from allowing myself to get too hurt by anyone because I had this ready made excuse. When a girl laughed at me when I asked her out my freshman year in college because I could not possibly be serious, I played it off and I could get away with it because no one takes the fat kids seriously anyway.

This week, this week I kept on my path. I ate steamed vegetables, glorious fruits and stopped myself from over eating. This week I pushed through the pain in my shoulder and did more laps than my goal in the pool. I ran! Me, Kyle Hadley, I ran. However, most importantly, I talked to someone. I laid down with Martina and just talked about everything I was feeling. I have given all of myself to a very tiny group of people in my entire life because usually when I start to get too much into the more depressing stuff I feel people back away. This week I just took a giant flying leap of honesty and was greeted with a giant hug and some of the most kind words I have ever received in my life. It is impossible for me not to tear up as I write this. It was not a sigh of relief, it was a full blown hurricane of relief to lay everything out there and not have someone tell me I am being a downer, or being ridiculous, and not back away, but just lay there, hug me and take everything. It was a life defining moment for me. it was a moment I can look back on and remember when I start to feel myself completely shut down again.

That dear readers, is what I have been avoiding for a week. This is the single most honest thing I have ever written to be seen by anyone but me. I am not saying my demons have been completely exercised, but during a week when I felt an extreme weight of depression, I managed to stay on my path. I battled my demons again and while I probably was not a lot of fun to be around this week, I pulled through. This is the last week of high school for my seniors and we have been talking about the big changes that are about to hit them and I told them all that life is going to such sometimes, but it is how we react to those moments that define us and it is the people who still want to be around us in those moments who are the ones we should keep around. It is about damn time I start following my own advice.

kay time to go watch 4 of my students in a variety/talent show.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Salt and Pepa's here and we in effect


Salt, salt salt. Just saying the word makes me all kinds of happy. The saltier a food is, the better. Only once in my life did I ever put too much salt on something. To me, "Too salty" does not exist. I have always been the kind of guy who would put salt on something before even tasting it because I knew there was not enough. This presents a massive problem when trying to lose weight. If you recall the first entry into this blog I had mentioned how I was wanting to cook more so I could control the amount of salt that went into my food. This, along with the soda thing, has been the hardest part of the last few weeks.

However, I have managed. I have used other spices when needed and have avoided salting everything except movie theater popcorn. SOrry, that is probably not going anywhere anytime soon. I have made tremendous strides and part of that is never ordering french fries, anywhere. I am avoiding fast food, but diners and other eateries still offer fries as a side dish. By opting for a salad of some sort, I manage to avoid the salt problem easily. I only bring up the salt thing because something pretty remarkable happened on Wednesday of this last week.

Martina and I went to eat at Burgers and Brew, followed by a walk through the Farmer's Market and I used up my free frozen-yogurt coupon at Yoloberry. I ordered a salad as my side dish, and they brought me a Caesar salad, which is not what I wanted, but I ate it anyway. I took one bite and was absolutely shocked by how salty it was. This was a monumental moment for me. I have been avoiding putting salt on ANYTHING and here I am eating something and finding it to be too salty. Now, I ate it because when you do not have money, you eat what you can, but it was probably the least enjoyable salad of my life. I cannot even fathom living an existence where I find food to be too salty, yet, here I am. This is a big step for me. It also means it is working. Something inside of me is changing.

In other news:

I went for my first walk with my new shoes, and accessories. To come home from a great walk and not feel insane pain in my feet was amazing!

I bought groceries and did not buy any chips, candy, or processed food. I have a fridge full of vegetables and fruits and a cupboard with nuts and tuna in it. I also bought frozen chicken, even though I am not a big chicken guy and have no idea what to do with it.

My craving for soda persists. Everyone tells me it will go away, but as a guy who gave it up for nearly 2 years once, it does not go away. I continue to crave it something fierce and probably always will.

FOr those of you interested in my total weight loss, it is at 15lbs in the last 3 weeks or so. I do not expect a pace of 5lbs a week to continue, nor will I get bummed out when it slows down.

I am waking up with slightly less aches and pains. My days are just a bit easier, and I am not as out of breath all of the time. I could tell that from my audition and call back this week.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Investing in myself


I had this whole other post I was going to make today, but I have decided to table that post for tomorrow or Sunday because something pretty major happened to me today and it really kicked this whole thing up a notch.

I have mentioned a few times that I have been receiving bunches of great support from this blog, which I guess was part of the point. I love to write, but when I put my writing in the world, it is very rarely a serious look into who I really am. I tend to keep my writing light, or focused on things like movies. But, like my lifestyle change, it was time to sort out what is going on with me on a deeper level and writing is how I have always processed my own life. If I happen to inspire someone else, or motivate someone else in the process, awesome. I live to inspire people, so that is awesome. Mostly, though, I need to inspire myself. This blog is a way for me to gauge how I am feeling, track trends in my own motivations and it gives me something to look back on during struggles and it helps hold me accountable for my own life. Well, something happened today that really made me pause and re-evaluate my own determination in this.

One of those messages of support came from a girl I have known since 7th grade. Now, I do not want to mislead you and say we are close friends, because we are not. I have not spoken to this girl in nearly 15 years, but in middle school she was one of the few people who did not make my life a living hell. This girl has a gorgeous family now and sent me a message that she wanted to send me a little gift of encouragement, so I gave her my address without thinking too much about it. Today I came home to find a package at my door. When I opened it I found a CD, a jay full of inspirational quotes and a gift card to Fleet Feet sports store in Davis for an amount that allow me to buy new shoes. That is right, this woman who I have not really spoken to in 15 years at least, decided that she and her husband and family would invest in me a little bit. I was reduced to a quivering mess for at least 30 minutes this afternoon. Who am I to take this gift from someone else? I am not worth this person's generosity.

After the usual battling within myself, I realized something. With the exception of one of my best friends, everyone has been insanely supportive and reassuring during this time. Now comes this incredibly generous gift. This woman who has no reason to really believe in me, believes in me. There is something about me that made her decide I was worth this investment, so why do I keep trying not to invest in myself? At some point, don't I have to stop fighting myself and just say "You know what, I am worth this." So, for today, I am saying I am worth it. Will I feel that way tomorrow? I haven't the slightest clue, but today I am. So before I could think too much about it, I jumped in my car and drove to Fleet Feet. The woman sat me down, measured my feet, watched how I stood, how I walked and listened to me tell her about the problems I have with pain and with my weight and came back with the shoes in the picture of this post. I tried them on and for the first time in YEARS, it did not hurt to walk. I invested in some soles to help with my odd walk, I bought this thing for the tendinitis in my right knee that should help that pain and I bought socks that will keep my feet from blistering. My old friend invested in me and so I invested in myself. The shoes are amazing and all of the accessories I bought will, hopefully, take the rest of the intense pain away, or at least alleviate it.

Today was more just about the shoes, though. While I was out, I went and bought a bunch of healthier food to keep around my house. I have a bunch of the boxed unhealthy pasta left, but I really needed to get some healthy food. It is time to stop talking about making drastic changes and start making them.

Having the right people around makes all of the difference, but I also know that this woman would not have made this amazing gift if she did not see something in what I write here, or what I post on Facebook that makes her think I am worth it. You really have no idea who is watching you, who is listening to you and who can help you at some point in life. It is a nice reminder that how you conduct yourself in the world can help or hurt you. People are famous for saying nice guys finish last, but I like to think I have a pretty healthy reputation for being a nice guy, and with support like this, and constant encouragement from Martina and Erik, I know I am nowhere near finishing last.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The monsters inside


Yesterday was a craptastic day at school. This is becoming more common as the year winds down and I am slowly trying to not let it bug me. Martina and I had plans to go swimming. I wanted to swim, but the day just killed any drive I had. I did everything to avoid going down to the pool and even when we got to the pool, I opted for the hot tub first because the pool was just too cold. There was this voice inside my head that was just adamant that I was not going to swim. Why was this?

Well, I told myself the next time I got into a swimming pool I was going to swim legit laps. The last few times I have been a pool, I have done my fair share of water walking, and some swimming, but I have not pushed myself. The last time I did laps, I did roughly 10 of them before deeming myself too tired, too exhausted and too stupid looking to continue. Therefore, I told myself if I got in the water again, I would do 12 laps. No one else knew this, so I was only one going to make myself accountable for this, which is not exactly the most ringing endorsement for doing it.

After spending at least 15 minutes arguing with myself about whether or not to get in the pool, I finally just jumped in. Once in the water, those thoughts came firing back. These monsters inside of me were in full attack mode. I took off on my first lap, and the whole time these monsters were eating away at me "What are 12 laps going to really do fatso?" "Do you really want to be shirtless in public?" "Go put a shirt on, you disgust yourself and you know it." And those are the tame thoughts. 1 lap turned into 4. 4 laps turned into 8 and then I hit this wall, figuratively. No worries, I did not bust my head open or anything. Here I was at 8 laps, which is a good number for out of shape I felt. No one else knew I had a goal in mind. So, I sat down on the steps of the pool and in that moment, the monsters could see they had me. They knew they were moments away from breaking down whatever defenses I had put up to try to block out the negativity. They hit me with a flurry of self doubt first, then came in with the fake satisfaction. They were telling me "Hey, you got some laps in, which is pretty good for someone so out of shape." "Don't look at it as quitting because no one else knows." I was literally seconds away from getting out of the water, when I took a deep breath and forced myself back in the water. Trying my hardest to push aside these monsters who grow bigger by feeding on my doubt, I made myself do two more laps, which meant i had arrived at 10 laps total. I had reached the same number I did two years ago. The monsters were a little quieter now, but they were rationalizing with me, giving me some lines about getting back to 10 laps, so that was good. They were doing everything they could to keep me from getting to my goal. Briefly I paused, trying my best to not let these creatures best me and I pushed myself off the wall and went up and back two more times to get myself to twelve.

Instead of getting excited at hitting my goal, the monsters attacked. "Well it took you long enough." "Big deal, 12 laps should be nothing, but your fat ass needed 2 big breaks to complete them." So, I pushed myself off the wall again and went for not one, but two more laps, bringing my total to 14. And when I was done, silence. Finally, silence. It took me going just a little further than my goal for me to silence my own doubt. I did it. I hit a goal. Is it a giant milestone? No, of course not, but I proved that I can silence my own doubt. No one can silence your own monsters, but you. We are almost always our worse critics, so we need to be our biggest cheerleaders, and our biggest motivators. Martina did not know I was going through all of this internal nonsense even though she was next to me the whole time because I knew I needed to silence my own monsters.

Today when I go swimming, my goal will be to hit 14 laps. But, I am already ahead of yesterday because my monsters are silent. It really was as simple as pushing through the monsters momentarily. I know they will be back, but I also know, that I have the power to shut them down, and I know that every day I strive to get myself to a healthier place in life, these monsters will be right there waiting for the moment they can pounce and feed on me. How I beat them? I set goals. I set daily or weekly goals and I stay focused on them. Every time I reach or surpass a goal, those monsters have just a little less power over me, they get a fraction smaller and a tad bit less scary. That is how any of us take control of our monsters. We stop looking at them as things to fear and start looking at them as things to motivate.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Getting up off the mat and back into the saddle on my horse


I am not sure how many more cliches I could have fit into the section they give me to write a title, but I think my drift was received by the roughly 100 page views this will accrue. Last week's missteps must be this week's victories, yes?

The first thing I did this week was give myself a break. It may not feel so health related, but it is. The semester is coming to an end and all 60 of my students have checked out. This causes me to work harder to get them even remotely interested in what I am doing. This leads to stress, which leads to slip ups in terms of my health. Therefore, on Sunday I relaxed a bit. I had to get my mental/emotional state right. I had to re-calibrate my system. In order to do that, I started a new book. It is not great so far, but it relaxed me and prepared me for the week ahead.

My bloody heel is still causing issues when I walk, but I attempted to fight through that today. Yesterday I knew I would be doing a dance audition, so I let that be my work out yesterday. It was awesome, which kind of leads me to the point of this post.

Theater is such an interesting thing for someone like me who is trying to live a healthier life. Musicals, when choreographed by the right person provides this great work out. When I do a Gino show, I know I am going to lose weight, and I always do. I auditioned for "Joseph" last night and that show never fails to provide a good workout. I know if I get in, that can help me mightily. Yet, theater is also the bane of my healthy existence. With rehearsals running late, it is tough not to eat after a rehearsal and that usually involves eating all kinds of crap. I am hoping that with this being a summer show, my hours will provide me with reasons to get a healthy SNACK after rehearsal. This is, of course, if I get in. If I do not, well, that is antoher blog all together. This is my dilemma as a writer, once I get going, I want to write about everything. Getting far off topic.

This week my main goal is to stay focused. The money situation is making groceries tough, so I am managing my portions right now. Instead of 4 or 5 pieces of pizza and 4 pieces of crazy bread, I had 2 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of crazy bread. It is not the healthiest meal, but the whole thing cost me 9 bucks and I got 3 meals out of it. Portion control has ALWAYS been an issue for me. I know that I am not seeing the results as fast as I would in a perfect world, but I trust that these little changes will one day add up to something bigger.

I have had 2 glasses of soda in 3 weeks. It feels like a huge thing for me, especially considering in the last three weeks I have seen a few movies, which is always deadly. More importantly, it has been 11 days since my last Rockstar. I am drinking more juice which is strange for me, as I have ever been much of a juice person, but I do enjoy it.

As a concluding note, the level of encouragement I am getting from everyone is overwhelming. Every little message, comment, text, high five, and all words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have spent my life listening to the people I love tell me I am worth it, and I have never believed them. It is tough to admit that you do not feel worth pretty much anything. Only recently have I felt that maybe I was wrong and those who love me have been right all along. Maybe, just maybe, I am worth it. And if you are reading this and struggling with anything at all, know this, you are worth it. If you do not believe me, look into the eyes of someone you love and you will see it.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

My sports dilemma


I grew up in a sports family. My mom cheers as loudly for the Giants as anyone I know. It is in my blood. I grew up playing baseball, basketball, football and tennis. Baseball is my favorite sport, but basketball was the sport at which I excelled. I loved playing basketball and even spent a summer at a basketball camp where the 9th grade basketball coach told me he regretted not putting me on the team the year before. In my sophomore year, the dream of playing sports for school went away. I was not good enough at baseball, did not want to be an offensive lineman in football and I was too fat and slow for basketball.

I found theater that year. Of course, theater has been my main outlet since then. Theater offers many of the same things I loved about sports. There is a sense of team work, camaraderie, and accomplishment in theater that I loved in sports. However, there is one big component missing in theater: competition. I can already hear theater people saying "Umm the audition." Sure, there is competition at the audition, but that is where it ends. Well, that is where it should end. Sadly, I have been a part of too many shows where actors continued to compete to the detriment of the show, but that is a whole other blog post on a whole different blog. That belongs on a blog where people contribute posts on how there is a lack of community in community theater.

Martina can attest that I do not like to lose. I loathe it in fact. I am insanely competitive and without sports in my life, I start going crazy over things like Scrabble. This is where the low self image comes into play and how it is relevant to this blog. I do not play sports anymore, not because I worry about not being good, I worry what I will look like to everyone else. I am not sure when I became so afraid of what other people think because this has not always been an affliction to which I am accustomed. I stopped playing basketball at a local church because I stopped knowing many of the people there and was afraid no one would want me to be on their team because of how out of shape I am. I started psyching myself out. I got so afraid of being just the fat guy trying to play basketball that it over-shadowed my abilities. And I had abilities. I was a pretty good basketball player. I could shoot, dribble and most of all, I could pass. I knew the game. Hell, I coached a youth team for 4 years, and we were good.

This week I played basketball for 30 minutes on two separate occasions and it was a total blast. I am unbelievably rusty, but I was starting to get my game back during the second day. I would love to feel comfortable enough to get back on a court with other people. I would love to play a pick up game with friends or even random people looking for a game. I just do not think I am there. These last few years have really been tough, and even though I am doing incredibly well in so many aspects of my life right now, I feel like I am not right in some aspect.

This post feels like it is lacking something. It has been a pretty negative week on this blog and I apologize. People have been telling me how motivating this blog has been or how much they are rooting for me, so I feel like I have not done a very good job over the last week. For anyone reading, know that this rough week will not defeat me. This week I ate much better portions of food than I would normally eat and I am still consuming water or iced tea as opposed to soda, so I am still fighting through it and maybe that is the motivating part. Those things I wanted to do are becoming habit. I still miss soda and I miss filling my diet with sugar and salt, but I am not reaching for the salt without even taking a bite anymore. It is the small victories we have to celebrate, right?

So, to the people who have told me I have motivated them to give up soda (and there have been at least half a dozen of those people) keep it up. We need to celebrate little victories, for they will eventually add up to something big, or at least keep us going to shoot for something big.

My big goal this week is to get in the pool 3 times. Also, find a summer job so I can afford new shoes. If you know of anything, let me know!

Friday, May 18, 2012

The bad week continues

I am hesitant to post this, honestly. I warn you readers, this may not be pretty. I am a ball of distracted mess this week and it is showing in every aspect of my life.

But first, the good.

-While the walking is not working due to some shoe issues, these shoe issues do not exist when I am running. Now, I am not one to run for fun, so twice this week I played basketball with a mix of teachers and students. I will be making a separate post on basketball (well sports) Tomorrow or Sunday, but the 30 minutes of basketball really felt great.

- I have lost weight. Weighing myself is not something I will do regularly, so do not expect consistent updates about weight loss. I am not really tracking weight loss, I am tracking a better life. Weight loss is part of it, but I have to learn not to rely on it because losing weight is a fickle proposition.

- I did not buy any Rockstars today. Usually Friday after teaching, I grab 2 so I can power them down and stay up on Friday night. This week I am going without and will probably just nap for a bit.

Okay, onto the rest of it

The events of Monday's soda debacle have been recounted on the blog, so with that in mind, here I go. This week was just unbelievably rough. The student related thing I wrote about on Tuesday still linger over my head every day I walk into the classroom and it is a struggle. Thursday kind of was the nail in the coffin of the week and I went to lunch with a friend and picked out like I had not done in a few weeks. I tackled a giant portion of these loaded fries, and then took down a huge plate of nachos all by myself. It was a tremendous feast of embarrassment. As I was eating the final third of the nachos, I just hated myself. I hated that I was still eating, but mostly, I hated how much I was enjoying stuffing my face. It was exactly the reason I got myself here in the first place. I eat my feelings and this whole week I have been feeling awful and for that brief moment of nacho heaven, everything felt right. Ugh, I am disgusted with myself as I type this.

Of course, I paid for it. I paid for it dearly. I am glad for this. My stomach was so upset with me for shoving this much food down into it that it ruined my outing with my cohort friends. This shows that my stomach is already adjusting to my new diet. It does not want me to stuff my face, it wants me to eat in portions. Of course, I will not know if my lesson was learned until the next time I am confronted by this.

One of the hardest parts of being me is that I focus too much on the negative. As this is not just about changing my eating habits, but changing my life habits, I need to learn to let it go. One of the things I realized in my health class this semester is that physical health, emotional health and mental health are all connected. My physical health is going to benefit from a better emotional and mental state of being. There will be times when this blog does not focus on my eating or working out at all, but in how I deal with a crisis, or how I managed to let myself be happy when I accomplish something, which is a big problem for me.

Which brings me to tonight. I have one goal: Just have fun and enjoy this accomplishment.

When I got my B.A I did not let myself celebrate. I kind of went right to the next thing to worry about. Tonight is reason to celebrate. When I was 25 years old and working in a warehouse, moving cans of paint from one side of the warehouse to the other, or washing vans in 103 degree heat, this all seemed so far away. I felt like college was never going to happen for me, but I did it.

I got my B.A and now I will have a Teaching Credential, and you know what, some day in the next 5 or 6 years, I will have a Master's degree as well.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Some setbacks, bad news/good news, and ribs


Hit my first set of setbacks starting Sunday. I was out for my walk, which was a killer walk, when I started to feel serious pain around the heel area of my right foot. When I came home, I found that I had bled through my sock completely. Something from my shoe is cutting into my heel when I walk at a nice brisk pace. This is problematic. To say that I am poor would be an insult to poor people. This whole student teaching thing has bled me dry for time and money, so I am not sure how to go about buying shoes that can feasibly accommodate a guy my size trying to put all of his weight on these shoes for 30 minutes worth of walking a day. I need to be able to afford some new shoes, but I really need the RIGHT shoes, which when you wear a size 13 EXTRA wide, it gets expensive. This problem has caused me to lose two days of walking, but today, I supplemented it by running barefoot through grass with some of my seniors who have a free period during 4th. It was quite a sight, me in a button up shirt, slacks and a tie, running barefoot on grass with 4 seniors.

My next setback is my most embarrassing. I drank two sodas yesterday. I am not horribly embarrassed by the act, it was the quickness with which I caved. Last night, I went out to Cattleman's for some seriously delicious ribs and Giants game with Martina, her roommate and two of their friends. Martina was celebrating finishing Chemistry for the semester, and I love ribs, Martina and The Giants. It made sense. I ordered water and the waitress asked if she was sure she could not bring me something more exciting like a Shirley Temple and without even hesitating, I said "yes." Oh man I have missed soda. I downed the first one like I needed it to live and then I had another. The fact that I stopped myself after only two made me feel slightly better, but after a solid week of no sodas, I caved so easily. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up over it, but if you know me, you know how well that goes for me.

I was proud of myself for not over eating last night. In fact, I got some food to go to eat for lunch today and I did not even eat all of it today, so I still have lunch tomorrow as well. I guess I have to take the good with the bad, right? The main idea is to not set a minor setback derail me, like it always has in the past. This journey will be filled with ups and downs and I have to accept the downs if I want to celebrate the ups.

Today before my 3rd period class started, I got some really terrible news. It is student related, so I am not going to divulge the information across the internet, but it was sufficiently day-ruining. I kept thinking on my drive home how much I was going to enjoy getting off the freeway and turning left to go to Taco Bell. I just wanted to order a bunch of crappy food (well, tasty, but crappy food) come home, watch television and try and not think about anything. In a shocking move, when I got off the freeway, I did not turn left. I came home instead. This may not seem like a big deal, but for me to greet really saddening news without fast food is pretty huge for me, especially the last few years.

A few of my students today noticed that it looked like I had lost some weight and said I felt more energetic this week, which is the best news I could have received because these kids see me 5 days a week for 90 minutes and I know that I have their undivided attention, so they would notice this stuff.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

To drink..or not to drink a Rockstar


For a major part of the last 3 years, I have fabricated energy by pounding Rockstars. I am not a fan of the regular Rockstars, so I drink Rockstar Punched.It is a glorious drink that can give me exactly the energy I needed to fake in order to get through rehearsals, work, or just well, mornings. They have become a part of my culture of living. I have managed a full week now without soda, but Friday night still requires a Rockstar if I desire doing anything at night. However, I think it is time to phase them out.

This week I have not needed to fabricate energy because I have ACTUAL energy! During the day I am not nearly as tired or rundown as I have been for the last few years. Now, this happens to come at a time when my stress has been reduced as well due to the semester coming to an end and knowing I have passed the California assessment for potential teachers, so I am getting a better sleep, but this goes beyond that.

I have to make a confession, normally I do not eat my first real meal until after 2pm. I cannot eat breakfast early and because I am not home often, I do not do such a good job of packing a lunch, so I do not eat on campus. Recently this changed. I am trying to at least grab something to eat before school (a banana and/or orange is the most common)and I am trying to bring food with me to eat at school. Doing this has boosted my energy, but it also means I do not need to come home and eat first thing, then get tired from eating too much since it is my first meal of the day. Nope, now I come home and get right to work. I put together whatever I need for the next day and then I eat. It means I getting work done during the day, so I do not have to wake up at 5:30, which gives me an extra 30 minutes of sleep. It also allows me to sleep better, so when I go to bed at 10:00pm, I am not worried about the next day and I actually sleep.

No joke, people undervalue the importance of sleep. For a whole summer I averaged maybe 2 hours a night. It is what allowed me to burn through all 10 seasons of Friends at an ungodly pace. Here I am two years later and I am averaging nearly 7 a night. This is a complete turn around for me and it is making everything easier.

In other health project related news, I went for a really great swim yesterday. There is something that swimming does to me that almost nothing else can. It energizes me and relaxes me at the same time. It is a rare place where my body feels no pain, but I have to worry about my self conscious image issue. When I swim, I do my best to make sure it is just me and someone to whom I am close. My girlfriend makes it a bit easier because for whatever reason she finds me attractive. I do not pretend to understand it, but it is about the most wonderful thing in the world. Seriously, a supportive girlfriend when you feel like you are the most hideous thing ever, really helps. This is still a new revelation to me. However, I cannot see myself through her eyes. I see myself through my eyes and while I have wicked pretty eyes (seriously, I do. Trust me) I see this disgusting thing every time I take off my shirt. It effectively ended my love of swimming at roughly 13 years old when I started to really start thinking about what girls thought of me. Since then, swimming has always been bittersweet. I love it, but I only enjoy it in private, you know like a Taylor Swift song.

wow, did this post ever get away from me. Like I said, the darkness is there. Allow me to say, this change is not an appearance thing, it is not even a weight loss thing in as much as I am not stepping on a scale on a daily basis, this is a change to simply feel better and feel like I will live longer in order to help the people I am meant to help by being a teacher. The Biggest Loser always has two or three teachers on it and they always talk about their students, and as I now have had my own students, I see the importance I can have in their lives. If that sounds pretentious in any way, I promise you I do not mean it to. I think if you knew me very well, this is one area where I am actually void of pretentiousness. On a daily basis I see students who d not have great, stable home lives and they come to school simply for that stability and I do not want to jeopardize that because I could not stop myself from letting my health get too far gone to overcome.

This was literally going to be a short post about Rockstar energy drinks. I guess I have too much pent up to craft short posts for now. There is a part of me that wants to delete this post so no one ever sees just how physically insecure I am. It is easier when everyone thinks I am kind of cocky.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Week 1 recap

I promise the titles of these posts will get more interesting and there will not generally be a weekly recap.

I envision this blog being update roughly 4-5 times a week. I will not set myself to any particular days or topics because I never want to post something just to post something.

Monday: Day 1. the first day of a new diet or exercise program is always deceptively easy. Yes, for a day I can not drink soda, eat a bunch of garbage, and can walk for 30 minutes. HA! Devious little bitch, that first day is. It was going along fine until it came time for me to walk. I had not yet created a walking playlist (if you know me, I am an occasion playlist fanatic), so I almost scrapped it, but Martina had once told me that Mumford and Sons was great walking music, so I went for it. With Raymond in hand, I ventured off to walk around the neighborhood in which I have resided for 9 months and about which I am still clueless. Raymond was not pleased about being dragged into my weight loss program, shooting me "Fool, I ain't the fat one" looks, and I did not have the heart to tell him that he is overweight. Also, he is a dog and communicating with him in English would be foolish. As we came to the pleasantly named Tulip lane, Raymond and I were startled by two cops with tranquilizer guns drawn. I figured they were hunting some sort of wild animal, which in the past would have caused me major panic, but we moved on. As we turned the corner, BAM! 7 cop cars and 12 cops telling me to cross the street, but with the crazy banjo of Mumford jamming in my ear, I just heard mumbling and waving. We crossed the street and Raymond saw a shady grass patch and called it a day. He was not agreeable to continuing. We made it home safely and Raymond guzzled water as best a dog his size can guzzle something.

Day 3: The biggest problem for my exercise idea will be the tendinitis in not 1 but 2 knees. (why did I not just say both knees? Like I have some random third knee somewhere)Wednesday, Tendinitis not only stopped by, it made camp right on my right knee. The pain caused my entire leg to lock up in the middle of teaching. I had to take the day off of walking and realized, this summer, I need to find various pools in which I can swim. I prefer swimming anyway, but have never lived with the luxury of a pool. (more on pain in a bit)

Day 4: This was the day that had me worried most this week. My Thursday routine of a Togo's sandwich, chips and a soda was about to be slapped across the face by my will power. I DID IT! Boom! Not only did I only get a 6 inch sub (usually I go big), I got it on whole wheat bread, I got a very low calorie sandwich, no mayo and I even had them drop a tomato on that thing. Also, I dissed the chips all together and most importantly, drank flavored Iced Tea with just two quick shots of lemonade. I am not going to lie to you or to myself, I missed the soda. I missed it big time, but the Iced Tea was not gross. The sandwich was really good as well. Overall, it was a success. The walk happened at an ungodly hot hour, which was stupid, but I covered more ground in the same amount of time, as my body slowly gets used to this whole having energy for walking thing.

A few random thoughts:

I need to remember that there is a difference between pain and injury. My body is incredibly out of shape. I am in pain all of the time, which is a big reason I decided a change was needed. I am sick of waking up and hurting, sitting up and hurting and just hurting in a general fashion. Being obese is physically painful. I do not recommend this as a life choice to anyone. My joints ache, my back hurts, my legs make unholy sounds at the slightest movement. it is incredibly uncomfortable. Okay, getting away from the point, the point is, I have to fight through the pain. If I am injured, I chill out, but the pain is something I need to learn to fight through, otherwise I will just give up like usual. Any reason to quit right?? Ugh, I hate my mentality sometimes.

One of the things I have noticed this week is that sometimes it is just small decisions that can change your attitude, or motivation. Thursday at Sac State, I opted for the stairs instead of the elevator and it just gave me an extra boost because it was a GOOD decision I made just as it happened. There was no thinking about it before, I just thought, 3 flights of stairs should not be able to conquer me, so why do I let them conquer me every damn week?

My biggest question right now is whether or not to give myself a cheat day with soda. Do I allow it once a week? Or do I not even risk it?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Welcome to my adventure

I imagine anyone reading this thing knows who I am, so I am going to dispense with the formalities for now. My best friend suggested I track my progress of my fight to get my life back and I try not to disagree with him when he is right, but do not tell him that.

So here we are, well, here I am. 31 years old and fighting the exact same fight I have been fighting my entire life, only it has not been much of a fight. I have always been a big guy. I will always be a big guy. I am built to be broad and big. As a youth I was incredibly active, but still bigger than everyone else. My level of activity did not matter to the kids who teased me mercilessly, and instead of fighting back, I found solace in food. I still do. I never pushed back, metaphorically, of course. I do not condone violence. Instead of getting myself charged up and taking control of my life, I let my life control me. I have always let my weight control me.

Okay,, I do not want to get insanely dark here on the first post, but I have write a bit of that because I have to get myself comfortable with really looking at myself and the issues that led me to this point. This specific point in time when I decided I needed to make a change. There will be times when this blog gets really tough for me, and probably anyone who reads it. I wish I could say every posting was going to be funny or motivating, but this is a fight. Fights have ugliness in them and there will be ugliness. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand that and is willing to let me have those ugly moments. This is a very scary idea, documenting this change for the internet. The internet is a mean place and I am insanely self conscious. So why do it? I think it will help me hold myself accountable. I have a friend who is posting a food journal on-line in hopes it will help her change her habits, in order to assess my own teaching style, I had to watch myself teach and look at myself in a very real way. In a way, this blog will become my video camera, my mirror with which to stare at myself to try and value this idea of changing who I am.

It may take me a little while to get my blogging feet under me and I expect the first few posts will have a good portion of that previous darkness I wrote of. I need to get some of these things out in the world, so anyone tracking this journey with me can gain some understanding. I think I have always attacked this fight from a pure physical place in the past, but for me, this is not just a journey of physical health. This requires an entire change of culture for who I am, who I always have been: The fat funny guy, or the fat cuddly guy.

Okay, onto some of the semantics of my journey. I imagine this journey as having phases. I have not thought further than phase 2 right now, but here is the plan as of now:

Phase 1: Now until Summer Vacation
1. Kill the soda
2. No fast Food burgers
3. Cook more so I can control the salt that goes in. This will mostly be fish.
4. 30 minutes of walking a day
5. Stop eating crap after 7pm
Phase 2:
1. No Fast Food
2. Stop eating junk food
3. 60 minutes of physical activity a day. Probably a lot of swimming.
4. Generally not eat after 9pm.

This is certainly not an all-inclusive situation and as I do my best to research what is best for me, I will be making changes that I will update on the blog.


Okay, enough of an introduction! Tomorrow, I will post how my first few days went. There will be ups, there will be downs, and there will be a police stand off.


OOOH. Last thing

The following is a list of important people that will probably make appearances in this blog, if I get their permission to use their names after this post:

Erik: Best friend, spiritual adviser, motivator, inspiration
Martina: insanely wonderful girlfriend, support system, motivator
Christina: Roommate, best friend, support system
Raymond: Beautiful dog, walking partner