Gym time.

The gym has always been one of my biggest enemies. Nothing makes me feel more out of place than being the fat guy at the gym. While I logically know no one is staring at me, I feel like a wild animal suddenly in a suburb. Everyone is wondering how I got there, if I was lost and they are all just waiting to see what I will do and how I will mess it up. This is compounded by the feeling of not knowing what I am doing at a gym. I need guidance. When I do not have said guidance I just feel like a car stuck in the mud, turning my wheels and not gaining any traction. In an attempt to ease myself into the idea of a gym membership and actually going to the gym, I am trying to get myself down to gym at the apartment complex. It is an unassuming, unintimidating lace and I think it is exactly what I need.

When you walk in, you are confronted with the tiniest room for a gym I could imagine. Directly in front of you is a stationary bike (my favorite). Placed on either side of the bike are treadmills. They are not uniform. it is a patchwork gym if ever there was one. Right next to the outside door is an elliptical machine. The Elliptical is the pineapple of the gym. It intimidates me beyond belief. There is too much going on and I am sure it will rip my limbs apart like an archaic torture device. I do not need the headline of my death to read Fat guy dies trying to operate gym machinery. (Wow, I would not be good at writing headlines, that is awful.) Attached to the wall to the left is a smallish television that has cable, but no remote control, so changing channels is kind of a process, but it is set to ESPN or CSN 95% of the time so it is good. On the other wall is a fan that is not pointing at any of the machinery. It exists and I assume it does blow air if you turn it on, but it does not do anyone any good who is trying to work out. Someone lazily screwed it to the ceiling without any sort of logic.

I have been back to the gym 4 out of the last 6 days. For a while I had a good rhythm going and then I got stalled and I stopped going. I am doing my best to get myself back in the habit. I need this. On Friday I updated my Facebook about my experience, but I want to expand upon it a bit. I walked into the gym, playlist already blaring (Jay-Z's "99 Problems") and sat down at the bike. Right before I got it started a guy walked in from the outside door. I had seen him once in passing. He was entering the gym as I was leaving it a few weeks ago. He set up at the treadmill to my right and we both were off. "99 Problems" led into Rage Against the machine's "Guerrilla Radio" and I had a good pace going on the bike. I had planned to do 15 minutes because it was my first day back, but this guy to my right was killing it on the treadmill, so I pushed myself. We looked at each other momentarily and he picked up his pace. We were pushing each other without really saying anything. We even hit our cool down at the same time. I got off the bike, stretched out for a minute, he did the same and before we parted ways he put his hand in the accepted position of a fist bump and I did the same. We fist bumped, nodded and went about our lives.

This is a great story for me for a few reasons. 1.) It made me feel cool. I rarely feel cool, so it is a great feeling. 2.) There was someone else at the gym and he was clearly not judging me. In fact, he appeared impressed, at least admired my attempt. This is the biggest reason this story makes me happy. This guy is in much better shape than I. He clearly goes to an actual gym, or plays a sport or something. He is the kind of guy I would be sure would judge me for walking into a gym. And here he was pushing me and acknowledging my work. It really pumped me up. My body hated me a few hours later, but it was well worth it. This is the kind of motivation I need to keep me going. If I ever get a full time job, I know I need to conquer my fear of the gym and get myself a membership and actually use it. However, I also know I need help. I have no idea what I am doing and how much of what I should be doing. I am good at following a plan. I just have no idea how to set up a plan that is good for me.

Saturday and Monday I was at the gym alone, and early this morning I was only able to get in because someone was already in it. Our key is with Martina, something we clearly need to work on. Starting my day at like 7:45 with a work out felt strange. I was only up because the neighbors were yelling at each other. I decided I needed to remove myself from being within earshot, but the complex is not open yet, therefore the inside doors are not open. A kind neighbor let me into the gym and I went about my business. I am up to 30 minutes on the bike without any significant slowing down. I am going to push myself to get to 40 minutes by the end of this week. It might require some rises and falls in terms of my speed, but I can feel my legs getting a bit stronger. I also want to run on the treadmill, but I am not sure my knee is up for that yet. The knee brace I bought in march is now too big, and not even by a little bit. It will not even stay on any longer.

I am not where I want to be in terms of my health. I had visions of being much further along, but I know that if I keep making small steps, I will get there. That is my focus for now. I finally acquired a job. It is part time, but it will give me some place to be. It serves a purpose, so I think that will help with my motivation in other aspects of my life. I am still looking for a full time job, but this is something. Every little bit helps. The goal is to not let myself get too down that I am not improving by leaps and bounds. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I am still moving forward and that is where my focus needs to be. baby steps are better than no steps.