the clothing issue

I hate shopping for clothes. I have almost always hated shopping for clothes. When you cannot fit into the clothes in the regular section, it sucks. Most of the time I have to shop for clothes in specialty stores designed specifically for fat guys. Feeling defeated before you ever go to the store is never good, but that is how it has always been. The bigger the clothes, the more expensive they are as well. I never get a shirt/sweat shirt from shows I do because they cost more when you get to the XXXL and XXXXL sizes. There is no way I could ever buy a shirt at a concert because they do not even bother to carry my size. Also, forget about thrift stores! My theater friends love to host themed parties, but I can never dress up because there are no thrift stores that carry my size. If I do not already have it in my closet, I cannot participate. It makes me incredibly self conscious and always has made me feel that way. Just thinking about buying new clothes fills me with anxiety because I do not get to always choose things I love, but things that fit me.

I recently started a part time job at a movie theater and I needed to pick up plain black pants ( i have a pair but they are too nice to worry about butter stains) and a few white t-shirts to wear under the polo I was issued. I was not looking forward to it because I have not been feeling at my best lately. I was sure that I was going to have to go up a size from the last time I bought pants a few years back when I lost 40 pounds. When I was at my heaviest (roughly when I was like 23-27 years old) I was wearing a size 60 in pants. The last time I bought pants I bought size 52 and 54. I was sure I was going to need at least size 56 last week. I got to JC Penney (the cheapest place to buy big and tall clothes) and grabbed a pair of size 54 and 56 pants and slowly, achingly lumbered to the dressing rooms. The 56 were far too big and the 54 were too big as well. I was pleasantly surprised and bounded off to find smaller pants. This is something I NEVER get to do. I grabbed size 52 and just for fun, I grabbed a pair of discount size 50 pants. To my unbelievable surprise the size 50 pants fit! They were a bit snug, but they fit!! I am so close to being out of the 50s in pants, which has been a goal/struggle of mine for the last 5 years! Here I am sitting on the verge of achieving this massive goal. I am not afraid to say that I had tears in my eyes as I looked at myself. This is working!

After that shocking bit of awesome news, I remembered I had to buy t shirts. They did not have any XXXLT (my current t-shirt size) so I grabbed a XXXL t-shirt and gave it a shot. It fit perfectly. It was not too short over my stomach or too tight around my arms. This is a change from only 6 months ago! I thought I was going crazy, so just to push my luck, I went and grabbed a XXLT shirt and it fit! I did not buy the XXL shirt because I do not think a more fitted white shirt would do me any favors. To make sure it was not just the brand, I went out and grabbed other shirts. I was running around the store like a mad man. I can only imagine what employees were thinking of a guy running around their store half giggling, half crying, grabbing random clothes and trying them on! I realized that in the Big and Tall section I can fit into all brands of XXLT. In the regular sections, I can put on a XXL, but it does not fit....yet. For years I could not even pretend to cram into a XXL shirt and now I can actually put it on. That means I am so damn close to the biggest goal I have ever set for myself. It has been a dream of mine to wear XXL shirts because once I get there, I can start buying clothes in the regular person section almost exclusively. I am tearing up now as I type this out.

For the first time I can remember I left a department store feeling better than when I went in. I am smaller than I have been since I was a teenager. But more importantly, I believe I am healthier than I have been since I was a teenager. I can breathe easier. I do not cram food down my throat all times of day. I am figuring out how to be the best version of me. I know I am far away from my potential, but I am feeling so much better these days. The hard work is paying off. The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I am not sure that has ever happened. I was looking at someone I did not hate, someone I was not feeling sorry for. I was looking at someone who is fighting. I looked at someone who is working hard and seeing results. I think I am finally starting to see the guy that Martina loves, that my friends see and that my family sees. I am finally starting to see me as I actually am and not some awful warped sense of who I think I am. I can finally see the weight loss in myself. I can see the physical and mental changes. After a long day this week, I did not cave and get Taco Bell. I am fighting and winning. My goal now is to be in a XXL t-shirt by the year anniversary of this journey in March. it is not going to be easy, but if I keep myself going, I believe I get there.


A quick note:

This weekend I saw one of my best friend's parents and my friend sent me a text that her mom thought I looked great and her mom did not even know about this journey. It is the first time someone who did not know what I was doing made that kind of comment. It felt awesome.

A quick note part two:

To everyone who told me I would eventually stop craving soda, you can all go to hell for being liars. I still want all of the soda all of the time.