The frustration of the last weeks reached a tipping point this weekend. This rut had been festering, living constantly inside me. It had burrowed itself into the deep folds of my brain, pitched a tent, and was hunting, cooking and eating what little confidence I had built up. (Apparently the part of my brain that creates metaphors is perfectly intact.) Something had to give. The push and pull, the back and forth, the give and take has just been weighing me down. One day I would get myself a great work out, the next I could not even get off of the couch. It was causing issues with my body because I have not been able to get myself into a steady routine. And routine is important.
Today on Facebook Erik posted something really great and he commented that it helped him get over that mental block. That is where I am living currently. Mental Block avenue. It is constantly under heavy construction, making it very difficult to leave. The physical pains of working out are tough, but honestly the mental block is far worse than any physical pain. Why can't I just do it?
I realized this weekend what a big part of my problem is. I do not believe it is working. I do not look at myself and see anything but the obese, extremely self-conscious loser I have seen for the last 20 plus years. I know logically that the weight is coming off because I have the numbers on the scale to tell me that. I have the the clothes that fit a bit more loosely. It is a fact that it is working. However, when it comes to the human mind, facts are pure nonsense. What we perceive to be true is truth in our eyes. We all have our versions of "truth." To me truth is that I am obese and not getting any less obese. When I see people and they tell me I am looking better, I do not believe them. Not because they are being insincere, because I believe that they are, but I see do not see it. The mirror, often thought of as an enemy to females, is no kinder to men, at least not this man. Mirrors are still the world's nastiest joke. They are supposed to only show exactly what is there, but our eyes perceive all of it wrong. It is not the mirror's fault, but
So what can I do? I have to fight. I have to fight the on-going construction of Mental Block avenue. I have to send the state troopers of my mind (the metaphor is falling apart, I know that) to get those illegal campers away. Mostly though, I have to remind myself that like the scale, the mirror only shows what is actually there. It is my own mind that twists and turns the mirror like it is in a fun house. yes, I am still obese, no one is going to deny that, but I am less obese now than I was in March. I cannot defeat myself if I continue to only see what I have seen my whole life. This whole point of this journey is that this is an entire life change. Until I allow myself to see myself as someone who is on the right path, the rest of it will not matter. So, it is time to hit the reset button on this journey. I started it so strong. Over the last few weeks, I have gotten away from that strength. The great thing about this journey is that it is a daily thing. I have the power to control my daily life and now that it has gotten away from me, I need to get control again. I know I am strong enough to do it, I just have to focus my strength into something positive!
I wonder Kyle, if I may. Do you believe you deserve to be smaller? Or deep down do you believe you don't deserve it at all? Why do you think of yourself as a loser? You're not, by any stretch of the imagination.
ReplyDeleteJust some questions that you should seriously consider. In my experience, you can really want something bad but if you feel like you don't deserve it, that will get in the way big time.