Love and happiness

Before I dive head first into what will probably be a complex post, allow me to apologize for my brief departure from updating the blog. I did not feel like I had much to report. My life is full of starts and stops right now and my journey to healthier living has followed suit. I have been unable to establish a good solid rhythm. Today's post is going to attempt to talk about love. I may fail miserably, this may end up too cheesy, or too depressing, or something completely off the wall, but it is a topic I find myself very desperately needing to explore right now.

Last night, I turned to Martina and admitted that I am struggling mightily right now. I cannot find a job, not even a minimum wage job. To be 32 years old and unable to support myself is the absolute worst feeling in the world. When Martina and I moved in together, I had every intention of being able to support us, not just me. Of course, Martina is not a girl who needs to be taken care of. She is no damsel in distress, which is a big part of why I love her, but as a man who grew up with a father who did everything he could to provide for his family, that is what I want. My father is proud of his work ethic. My father is proud that he has worked for the same company for nearly 30 years and he is proud that he never takes sick days. I want to be that guy. I want to be that proud of my work, but I have to have work first. I am getting a bit off topic. After admitting to Martina how much I was struggling, she kissed me and told me "We'll get through this." This was the first time in my life anyone has said "we" to me. I have great friends who have supported me in the worst of times, but it is always "You'll get through this." This idea of Martina and I as a we is still a new concept to me. You would think after a great 19 months, I would start to understand this concept better, but I am still surprised that there is someone who wants to be this much a part of my life.

There is a novel I read a few years ago and there is currently an amazing film adaptation of this novel in theaters. This story called the perks of being a wallflower features a great quote that goes "We accept the love we think we deserve." I am not going to dive into the context of the quote, you can read the book and see the film to figure it out, but coming out of the movie this weekend, the quote struck me even harder than it did when I first read the novel. This goes beyond romantic love though. It is about the friends we have, the love with which we surround ourselves on a daily basis. I have been blessed in my life. I have a tremendous family that rallies around each other in times of need and that loves, laughs and cheers together in those rare times we see each other. I have a batch of friends I do not get to see very often (some I have not seen in years), but I know they are there and I know if I ever see them, things would pick up like no time has passed. I have a few select great friends that I do talk to and see and I feel great about them, but I have never felt deserving of it.

Now I have this great girl by my side who I truly believe would do anything for me and it is amazing, but to feel deserving of it is a fight. My luck in the romance department has not in any way prepared me to be loved so fiercely. It is a foreign feeling and there are days when I have had to talk myself out of sabotaging it because I do not feel deserving of it. Those days are getting more and more rare, but the thoughts in my head exist. How does one get to a point when they feel truly deserving of this great thing called happiness? What have I done to deserve someone who laughs at every one of my jokes? Let us be real, I throw out my fair share of awful jokes, but there Martina is, laughing at all of them. There is no feeling better than this thing I am feeling every day I get to have her in my life. Yet, hovering just behind me is this feeling that it cannot be real.

How does this happen? Does it happen to anyone else? Am I just severely damaged? These are the questions I ask myself when I start to feel it. Over the last 7 months I have made giant leaps in accepting myself and trying to love myself. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I know that it has been made easier by having Martina with me. She nurses me back to health, feeds me when I am crabby, sticks to her guns when I am being stubborn and stupid, but mostly she loves me in a way that I have never been loved before her. Why is it so hard to just accept that someone loves me? I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy, of that I am sure. I guess I am just not sure I deserve to feel this level of happiness. Normally when things are going so wrong in my life, I do not laugh as much as I do every night while we are cuddled on the couch watching television. It seems unusual to be generally happy even when things are going so wrong. Is this what actual happiness is? Is it genuine happiness when your entire life does not fall apart when things are not going well? If it is, why am I so afraid of it? Why would anyone be afraid to just be happy? What kind of nonsense is swirling around in my brainspace?

I have no idea where this undeserving feeling started. I cannot pinpoint a moment in my life. There is no breakthrough to be had. It is just a battle I continue to fight. I am winning the battle most days. It is a nice feeling. Conquering the demons of my mind is a great feeling, but I know the battle is not over. I am still equipping myself with the proper weapons, but I am in this thing for the long haul. I will keep battling because I know deep down I am worthy of enjoying this happiness I have in my life. When things are worth fighting for, you get up after every time you get knocked down. Yesterday I was down, today I am brushing myself off, bandaging up my wounds and resting my body for tomorrow, tomorrow I fight.