This post comes courtesy of a two hour long brunch with my best friend Erik. As Erik recently turned 30 and I am about to head into my mid-30s, we were having a conversation about how things have changed as we have gotten older, and one of the biggest changes we have found recently, is that we are done dealing with the nonsense. To be honest, the word we used was not nonsense, but this is a family safe blog, so I made the decision to censor myself here.
Over the last few years, I have talked at length about getting rid of the toxic people/things in my life, and to be honest, it has been awesome. This new attitude goes beyond that. It gets at this idea that I feel like I am at a place in my life, where I do not have time for games or double speak or passive aggressive behaviors. I am at a place in my life, where I want to be up front with people and I expect them to do the same, and if they are not going to be up front, it is time to stop wasting energy on their collective nonsense. I have become more liberal about blocking/unfriending/unfollowing people from various social media sites if I get tired of the nonsense. This is not about getting rid of people who disagree with me, but getting rid of people who are posting things just to get a rise out of people without really paying attention to what they are posting, especially not researching stupid memes. This is about getting rid of people who complain nonstop about awful things are, but do nothing to fix their personal situation. This is about making my entire social media experience more worthwhile.
It is also about not wasting time on people who are not really important to me. I have enough people in my life who actually care, that why would I waste time on people who clearly do not care about my life? When you start to think about who matters NOW as opposed to who has mattered in the past, life gets much more focused. At some point, the past has to stay in the past. This is something we have been discussing in class recently, as we read through The Great Gatsby. My students get stuck on things they cannot change, and I have some students who are trying so hard to recapture a moment with a specific person, and we are reading this book about a guy who destroys multiple lives by doing that. It is possible to acknowledge having loved someone, and yet still allow yourself to truly move on in life to something bigger and better.
This also gets at the idea of just putting yourself out there without worrying too much about what other people will think. Last week I had the opportunity to spend a few days in Utah with a bunch of people I had never met. If this had happened in my 20s, I would have probably had a miserable time. I would have ordered almost no food, I would not have said anything that could have been taken in a way different from I meant it, and no one would have gotten to know me. This time, I had no shame in ordering whatever food I wanted to eat. I went back from seconds if I still felt hungry, and I felt like I was very open about who I am, the kind of teacher I am, and the kind of life I lead. There was a time when I avoided any conversation about my background in the Mormon faith. But on this trip, I was very upfront about it. I was going to tell people who I was and let them decide if I was someone they wanted to talk to. it was a completely freeing experience. The minute you allow yourself to just be you, flaws and all, everything gets infinitely more clear. You gain insight into yourself, and how you relate to other people. I knew that this person wanted to talk to me because of who I am, not because of who I was trying to be.
For years I tried to be everything to everyone else, and I allowed myself to be sucked into the nonsense. I bought all of the nonsense. I was not taking care of myself, and I was not growing, or learning anything about how I related to the world honestly. 2014 is going to go down as the year where I learned to honestly communicate to the world. I preach honesty in my classroom above all else. I ask my students for honest feedback because how can I grow as a teacher if the people who are being taught by me do not have a way to express how I am doing. it has led to an awesome, if sometimes overwhelming, dialogue between myself and my students, but also among my students themselves. I believe that I have an obligation to my students to practice what I preach, so that is my big key right now. If you ask me something, I am going to cut through the nonsense. If you want to know something about me, I am going to cut through the nonsense. Be prepared for truth. I cannot promise it will always be tactful, but it will always be sincere. Let us all practice sincere honesty. Let us all put our real selves out there because that way we know who is really there for us, and not just because we are pretty.
2014: Down with the nonsense, up with the sincere honesty. let's make it a thing!
What started as a journey for physical and emotion health has morphed into something much bigger. Here you will find musings about my health journey, my teaching job, my re-entry into the world of academia, random thoughts about the world at large, books, movies, television, and ultimately my search for sustained happiness.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A conversation with a student
Last week I subbed in a P.E class, which in and of itself is not news. I have subbed in a drama class, a math class, and now P.E. The kids had what essentially wound up being a free play day. I passed out basketballs, volley balls, and soccer balls. The students just had to be playing one of those three sports for the 40 minutes of class. Once class started I picked up a basketball and started shooting hoops with one of the students who happened to be a student of mine from one of my actual classes. We chatted about everything and nothing while we shot hoops and it was fun for me, and I think fun for him. At some point, I decided I needed to stop playing basketball and start just watching the students. The student took this opportunity to ask me a bit about some rumors he had heard from other students. He asked if it was true that I had lost like 70 lbs recently and I responded that I had. He hesitated after that, but I could tell that he had more he wanted to ask, so I told him that I was pretty open to talking about my battles with weight if he wanted to ask more. The first question he asked afterwards was whether I had a tough time in high school because of my weight. As soon as he asked he apologized, and said that he was just curious because I seemed so happy and confident, and he was wondering if I was always that way.
I thought about it for a few moments before responding because I wanted to come across as honest, but hopeful. I wanted to answer in a way that my student could maybe take something away from the conversation and feel like he was okay. I could tell he was asking because he, himself, is over weight. He is not obese by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a bit on the heavy side. After what probably seemed like hours, I told him that in middle school I cried almost every day after school because of how mean everyone was. I told him that I do not have any of my middle school yearbooks because other students stole it and wrote really mean anonymous things about me in them. Then I told him that high school was an absolute blast for me. I told him that my battle with weight has always been a struggle, but when I stop making it an issue for myself, it never bothers me when other people tried to make it an issue. I told him that when I was younger I used to think my weight caused my unhappiness, but really, I used it as a crutch to make excuses for why I did not do things with people in high school. The fact of that matter is, high school was a ton of fun for me when I let myself just enjoy it. Then I turned to him and told that that college was awesome, and that while my life has had the same amount of ups and downs as many other people, recently, I have tried to focus on the positives in my life and it has done wonders for me in every aspect.
The young man sat there when I was done like he was not entirely sure what to do with the information, so I tried to approach it from another angle. I asked him if he was unhappy, and he said that he felt like his extra weight was holding him back from being social. He worried that people would judge him for being chubby. He wanted to know what I did to start losing the weight, and if it would be too hard for him. It was in that moment that I realized just how much of an impact this conversation could potentially have. It caused me to really look inside myself as a teacher, and as a person. I love to teach my students the ins and outs of grammar, and the symbolic nature of the green light that remains just out of Jay Gatsby's reach, but my first job is to help young people. I told this absolute joy of a young man that I stopped playing sports because I was afraid of what people would say about me because I was fat. I was miserable until I found theater. I told him that finding something you love to do will help alleviate a bunch of that anxiety. Connecting to other people around a common interest makes things easier. I then told him that my weight started coming off when I stopped wishing for a quick way to lose weight and started to put the work in. I told him that the short cuts never stick. The only way to get healthy is to work at it. I told him that the best thing he could do was to stop drinking the 2 liters of soda I often see him with, and for him to shoot hoops every day, or find a physical activity he enjoys and repeat it.
The conversation went on, and I think that when it ended, he left feeling better about where he was headed. The conversation has stuck with me for the last 4 or 5 days. My sophomore year in high school I was struggling mightily with myself. It was actually kind of scary when I look back on it. A friend of mine found some writing of mine that worried her, and not knowing what to do from there, she talked to our biology teacher about it. My parents were called (I did not know this at the time), and the administration was informed, but my teacher asked my parents, the counselors, and the vice principal if he could talk to me about what was going on. His name was Mr. Rathbun. One day he asked me if I would come to his class after school to help him move stuff around his classroom, and when I showed up, he sat me down and talked to me for nearly two hours. He did so without judgement, without any concrete answers, and without any stories of his own to connect to what was happening. For two hours I felt the safest I had felt since elementary school. It was a powerful life changing moment for me, and if I really think about it, it is kind of the reason being a teacher always sounded like a good option for me.
I am not saying the conversation I had with this student will be as profound to him as my conversation with Mr. Rathbun was to me, but it was a great reminder that teenagers are fragile, that they are still looking for their way, and that maybe I can help in some way because I understand what many of them are going through, and maybe my willingness to be open with my students about my struggles is one of my biggest strengths as a teacher. It reminded me that more than anything else, it is my job to make sure my students feel safe when they are with me. It also reminded me that one of the reasons I am trying to get healthy is to be a better role model for my students. It helped get me back focused on my task and made me really think about different I hope to look after summer. Weird, many people want to get in shape for summer so they can show off their beach bodies, but I want to be more in shape after summer, so I can be a better role model for my students.
I really hope this post did not come off as self indulgent, but I fear it has. I hope you know that is not the spirit of this post.
I thought about it for a few moments before responding because I wanted to come across as honest, but hopeful. I wanted to answer in a way that my student could maybe take something away from the conversation and feel like he was okay. I could tell he was asking because he, himself, is over weight. He is not obese by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a bit on the heavy side. After what probably seemed like hours, I told him that in middle school I cried almost every day after school because of how mean everyone was. I told him that I do not have any of my middle school yearbooks because other students stole it and wrote really mean anonymous things about me in them. Then I told him that high school was an absolute blast for me. I told him that my battle with weight has always been a struggle, but when I stop making it an issue for myself, it never bothers me when other people tried to make it an issue. I told him that when I was younger I used to think my weight caused my unhappiness, but really, I used it as a crutch to make excuses for why I did not do things with people in high school. The fact of that matter is, high school was a ton of fun for me when I let myself just enjoy it. Then I turned to him and told that that college was awesome, and that while my life has had the same amount of ups and downs as many other people, recently, I have tried to focus on the positives in my life and it has done wonders for me in every aspect.
The young man sat there when I was done like he was not entirely sure what to do with the information, so I tried to approach it from another angle. I asked him if he was unhappy, and he said that he felt like his extra weight was holding him back from being social. He worried that people would judge him for being chubby. He wanted to know what I did to start losing the weight, and if it would be too hard for him. It was in that moment that I realized just how much of an impact this conversation could potentially have. It caused me to really look inside myself as a teacher, and as a person. I love to teach my students the ins and outs of grammar, and the symbolic nature of the green light that remains just out of Jay Gatsby's reach, but my first job is to help young people. I told this absolute joy of a young man that I stopped playing sports because I was afraid of what people would say about me because I was fat. I was miserable until I found theater. I told him that finding something you love to do will help alleviate a bunch of that anxiety. Connecting to other people around a common interest makes things easier. I then told him that my weight started coming off when I stopped wishing for a quick way to lose weight and started to put the work in. I told him that the short cuts never stick. The only way to get healthy is to work at it. I told him that the best thing he could do was to stop drinking the 2 liters of soda I often see him with, and for him to shoot hoops every day, or find a physical activity he enjoys and repeat it.
The conversation went on, and I think that when it ended, he left feeling better about where he was headed. The conversation has stuck with me for the last 4 or 5 days. My sophomore year in high school I was struggling mightily with myself. It was actually kind of scary when I look back on it. A friend of mine found some writing of mine that worried her, and not knowing what to do from there, she talked to our biology teacher about it. My parents were called (I did not know this at the time), and the administration was informed, but my teacher asked my parents, the counselors, and the vice principal if he could talk to me about what was going on. His name was Mr. Rathbun. One day he asked me if I would come to his class after school to help him move stuff around his classroom, and when I showed up, he sat me down and talked to me for nearly two hours. He did so without judgement, without any concrete answers, and without any stories of his own to connect to what was happening. For two hours I felt the safest I had felt since elementary school. It was a powerful life changing moment for me, and if I really think about it, it is kind of the reason being a teacher always sounded like a good option for me.
I am not saying the conversation I had with this student will be as profound to him as my conversation with Mr. Rathbun was to me, but it was a great reminder that teenagers are fragile, that they are still looking for their way, and that maybe I can help in some way because I understand what many of them are going through, and maybe my willingness to be open with my students about my struggles is one of my biggest strengths as a teacher. It reminded me that more than anything else, it is my job to make sure my students feel safe when they are with me. It also reminded me that one of the reasons I am trying to get healthy is to be a better role model for my students. It helped get me back focused on my task and made me really think about different I hope to look after summer. Weird, many people want to get in shape for summer so they can show off their beach bodies, but I want to be more in shape after summer, so I can be a better role model for my students.
I really hope this post did not come off as self indulgent, but I fear it has. I hope you know that is not the spirit of this post.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Makeover Week
For the last decade or so, I have had a very strong love/hate relationship with the television program The Biggest Loser. I recognize that it shows incredibly unrealistic weight loss transformations, and that it shows that losing only 1 or 2 or even 3 pounds in a week is not a good thing, and that those people are monitored closely by the best fitness and nutrition experts out there. I also know the show is one of the worst offenders at product placement. I am able to take that all in and am still able to recognize that there are many aspects of the show that are wonderful. The show finds people who genuinely want to make changes to their lives, and have not been able to find the way to do that in their daily lives. I have seen families completely changed by the results of the show. It tells incredibly personal stories and never shies away from showing how weight gain happens. It sets out to show that unhealthy habits are formed over years and years and that it is not all just because people are lazy. The biggest joy in the show comes in the form of makeover week.
With about 7 contestants left at the Biggest Loser ranch, the contestants get full makeovers. They get a wardrobe change, a haircut, a shave, and in a way, a whole new start on life. it is a very in your face metaphor, but these make overs are showing these people a whole new life. They have shed anywhere from 75-125 lbs up tot his point, but the make over is where people really start to see what that change means for them. This week always gets to me more than any other week on the show because it gets to the core of the issues I have with my body.
Over the last two years I have lost over 70 pounds, and have completely changed the way I eat, exercise, and even relate to people on an every day level. I have worked hard to remain active even when I am at my limit emotionally and physically. I do this because I know I have to if I want to be alive for a long time, and the fact of the matter is, until two years, I was not sure I did want to live a very long time. This is not some suicidal confession or anything like that. It is merely me saying that until a few years ago, I think I was okay with the thought that I might not live to see 60 or 70 years old. That has changed dramatically over the last two years, but often times, when I look in the mirror I still see the guy that was there 70 pounds ago. At times that guy feels like he was from another life, but that image of him is still seared into my eyes and when I see myself in the mirror, he is the guy I usually see staring back at me.
Clothes shopping, as an obese person, sucks. I have never enjoyed the process. I am confined to the back of a "regular" store, if they even have a Big and Tall section, or I have to shop at a specialty store that charges an insane amount because they know they can. I have never had much money, and it has made things very hard for me. At a petty young age, I stopped caring about what my clothes looked like. No one was interested in me any way so what did it matter if my clothes were ill fitting, or looked bad on me. It was an extension of how I felt myself. No one else cared, so why should I? For years I shopped at Marshall's looking for clothes that were discounted because that little holes in them, or were disfigured in some way so I an just have clothes on me that fit. It resulted in years of wearing the most raggedly awful looking clothes one could own. It was also where I declined in other aspects of my life, the biggest one being that I stopped taking care of my teeth properly. It was not like anyone was going to look at me any way, so I just did not care. Then when my mouth started to fall apart, I could not afford to do anything properly, so teeth had to go. I am still paying for all of that neglect today, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Dental work is expensive, ya'll.
This leads us to Makeover week. I have lived my entire life hoping to get out of the Big and Tall section of the store, but never working on getting out of it. Every time I see makeover week I am reminded of what I am actually fighting for. it is not about getting our of the Big and Tall section, it is about getting into the section of the store where I no longer see this person I have been carrying around for the entirety of my adult life. These people look in the mirror and see someone new, who fits into new clothes, who looks different, but somehow familiar. They lose the haircuts that they have been getting every few months because switching it up would only feel bad because no one would notice or care because they, themselves, did not care. Now they care. They see that they can buy clothes anywhere, that they can fit into nice looking clothes, and not feel out of place.
I am still working on losing the guy from 70 pounds ago. I might be working on losing that guy for a long time, because I still have his teeth, and I still have his image when I look into the mirror most times. However, I have started to see the new me, and that started when I purchased clothes from Old Navy for the first time. That may seem incredibly silly to you, but Old Navy has never had a Big and Tall section. I have never in my life thought that it would be possible to fit into anything from that store. It was not a goal of mine to buy things from that store, but it was my goal to be able to fit into something from there. I fit into sweaters form there. I bought 3 of them. I bought pants in the regular section of a store, and I bought T-shirts that are just 2XL, not 2XLT, even worse 4XLT. I no longer need the super long shirts to cover my belly because I can buy pants that go over my stomach now without breaking the bank. I have not hit my makeover week yet because I want to wait to buy a whole new wardrobe until I think I have really lost the old version of myself. I am waiting to get a tailored suit until I am at the size I want to be at, until I am the healthiest version of myself, until I am the version of myself who will live to see 60, 70 and hopefully 80 and 90.
With about 7 contestants left at the Biggest Loser ranch, the contestants get full makeovers. They get a wardrobe change, a haircut, a shave, and in a way, a whole new start on life. it is a very in your face metaphor, but these make overs are showing these people a whole new life. They have shed anywhere from 75-125 lbs up tot his point, but the make over is where people really start to see what that change means for them. This week always gets to me more than any other week on the show because it gets to the core of the issues I have with my body.
Over the last two years I have lost over 70 pounds, and have completely changed the way I eat, exercise, and even relate to people on an every day level. I have worked hard to remain active even when I am at my limit emotionally and physically. I do this because I know I have to if I want to be alive for a long time, and the fact of the matter is, until two years, I was not sure I did want to live a very long time. This is not some suicidal confession or anything like that. It is merely me saying that until a few years ago, I think I was okay with the thought that I might not live to see 60 or 70 years old. That has changed dramatically over the last two years, but often times, when I look in the mirror I still see the guy that was there 70 pounds ago. At times that guy feels like he was from another life, but that image of him is still seared into my eyes and when I see myself in the mirror, he is the guy I usually see staring back at me.
Clothes shopping, as an obese person, sucks. I have never enjoyed the process. I am confined to the back of a "regular" store, if they even have a Big and Tall section, or I have to shop at a specialty store that charges an insane amount because they know they can. I have never had much money, and it has made things very hard for me. At a petty young age, I stopped caring about what my clothes looked like. No one was interested in me any way so what did it matter if my clothes were ill fitting, or looked bad on me. It was an extension of how I felt myself. No one else cared, so why should I? For years I shopped at Marshall's looking for clothes that were discounted because that little holes in them, or were disfigured in some way so I an just have clothes on me that fit. It resulted in years of wearing the most raggedly awful looking clothes one could own. It was also where I declined in other aspects of my life, the biggest one being that I stopped taking care of my teeth properly. It was not like anyone was going to look at me any way, so I just did not care. Then when my mouth started to fall apart, I could not afford to do anything properly, so teeth had to go. I am still paying for all of that neglect today, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Dental work is expensive, ya'll.
This leads us to Makeover week. I have lived my entire life hoping to get out of the Big and Tall section of the store, but never working on getting out of it. Every time I see makeover week I am reminded of what I am actually fighting for. it is not about getting our of the Big and Tall section, it is about getting into the section of the store where I no longer see this person I have been carrying around for the entirety of my adult life. These people look in the mirror and see someone new, who fits into new clothes, who looks different, but somehow familiar. They lose the haircuts that they have been getting every few months because switching it up would only feel bad because no one would notice or care because they, themselves, did not care. Now they care. They see that they can buy clothes anywhere, that they can fit into nice looking clothes, and not feel out of place.
I am still working on losing the guy from 70 pounds ago. I might be working on losing that guy for a long time, because I still have his teeth, and I still have his image when I look into the mirror most times. However, I have started to see the new me, and that started when I purchased clothes from Old Navy for the first time. That may seem incredibly silly to you, but Old Navy has never had a Big and Tall section. I have never in my life thought that it would be possible to fit into anything from that store. It was not a goal of mine to buy things from that store, but it was my goal to be able to fit into something from there. I fit into sweaters form there. I bought 3 of them. I bought pants in the regular section of a store, and I bought T-shirts that are just 2XL, not 2XLT, even worse 4XLT. I no longer need the super long shirts to cover my belly because I can buy pants that go over my stomach now without breaking the bank. I have not hit my makeover week yet because I want to wait to buy a whole new wardrobe until I think I have really lost the old version of myself. I am waiting to get a tailored suit until I am at the size I want to be at, until I am the healthiest version of myself, until I am the version of myself who will live to see 60, 70 and hopefully 80 and 90.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Budgeting my time. Budgeting my money.
There is nothing in this world that stresses me out more than talking/thinking about money. The quickest way to send me into a spiral of anxiety and sadness is for me to start over thinking my money situation. 2014 is going to be a year that very much tests this anxiety. When I had to buy a new car, I took on some pretty serious car payments, and took on a much larger monthly car insurance bill. On the plus side, I have a have that I never worry might not start and my monthly gas bill is essentially being cut in half, but it comes with a substantial blow to my the monthly budget. I was unprepared for this, but I am doing my best to not let it really get me down. It all depends on having a plan.
For many years I was under employed, or just unemployed and in that time, I accrued some pretty bad credit. I have not been great with money in my life. It is one of the parts of my life that I have been working on for a while and I think I am starting to figure it out. Of course, having an actual salary job for the first time is certainly helpful, but it is more than that. It is about seriously tracking money and only allowing a certain amount of money for fun purposes. Martina and I have been slowly working on a budget this month, and February is going to be the first month that we put it into full effect. There is a certain amount of money allotted for eating out, for going to the movies, and for other activities, and that is it. We have a grocery budget, and that is where we have to be our most creative. During my first semester of teaching, there were definitely weeks where we just stopped cooking and started eating out too much. That has to stop. Every month, every single dollar is going to completely tracked. As we start planning for a future together, there has to be money saved, so we have to decide what is vitally important to us, and what we can live without. I expect many more matinee movies, more Redbox and Netflix nights, and most importantly much more cooking.
We have already begun to figure out the cooking. We have started planning meals by the week, and we have started prepping meals better, so on the actual night of cooking, there is not much left to do, which is nice after a long day of teaching for me, and a long day or work or school for her. The only way this works is to stick to it. If our calendar says we are cooking on Wednesday night, we have to cook on Wednesday night, or we have to decide to switch our night out to Wednesday and cook on Saturday. This has meant more trips to the grocery store, and it has meant more money on groceries than before, but because we are actually eating the food we buy, we save money in the long run. Not to mention, it is healthier.
I am finding that every part of my life that I want to improve, go together. Getting better at budgeting my money is forcing me to budget my time better. I remember to pack a lunch every day, I get up in time to grab breakfast every day. I know I need to make sure I have time at night for cooking, which is forcing me to get more organized at school so I have the time. I am planning a week ahead of time now, so I am not worrying about having time during school to make the copies I need, or to get all of my materials together. The two weeks back at school have been great in terms of my time. I am making much better use of my prep time and making better use of my TAs which has cut down the late nights on campus. It has also opened up my nights at home. If I use the time on the weekends properly, I have almost no school work to do once I get home. This has already reduced my daily stress greatly.
I am finding that when I want to improve in one aspect of my life, I start to improve every where else. I am slowly understanding how my physical and emotional health are connected to everything I do. I think by sticking to a financial budget, it will allow me to just enjoy every other aspect of my life. It is forcing me to cook more, which I find relaxing any way, and it is helping us make decisions on what we absolutely want to do, which allows me to appreciate our date nights more. It also helps that Martina and I are perfectly happy just staying at home together. It is absolutely vital when you are poor, to truly love the company of the person you are with. There is no hiding behind all of these activities.
What this all boils down to is figuring out how to spend your time. I have learned to truly cherish every single day because I am learning every single day. I am figuring out how to be better with my money, better with time, and better with my energy. I have dedicated myself to ignoring bad energy, and it has helped me have energy at night, which is good because our daily work outs are kicking my butt in the best way possible.
Last thing, if you have a budget app you swear by, let me know!
For many years I was under employed, or just unemployed and in that time, I accrued some pretty bad credit. I have not been great with money in my life. It is one of the parts of my life that I have been working on for a while and I think I am starting to figure it out. Of course, having an actual salary job for the first time is certainly helpful, but it is more than that. It is about seriously tracking money and only allowing a certain amount of money for fun purposes. Martina and I have been slowly working on a budget this month, and February is going to be the first month that we put it into full effect. There is a certain amount of money allotted for eating out, for going to the movies, and for other activities, and that is it. We have a grocery budget, and that is where we have to be our most creative. During my first semester of teaching, there were definitely weeks where we just stopped cooking and started eating out too much. That has to stop. Every month, every single dollar is going to completely tracked. As we start planning for a future together, there has to be money saved, so we have to decide what is vitally important to us, and what we can live without. I expect many more matinee movies, more Redbox and Netflix nights, and most importantly much more cooking.
We have already begun to figure out the cooking. We have started planning meals by the week, and we have started prepping meals better, so on the actual night of cooking, there is not much left to do, which is nice after a long day of teaching for me, and a long day or work or school for her. The only way this works is to stick to it. If our calendar says we are cooking on Wednesday night, we have to cook on Wednesday night, or we have to decide to switch our night out to Wednesday and cook on Saturday. This has meant more trips to the grocery store, and it has meant more money on groceries than before, but because we are actually eating the food we buy, we save money in the long run. Not to mention, it is healthier.
I am finding that every part of my life that I want to improve, go together. Getting better at budgeting my money is forcing me to budget my time better. I remember to pack a lunch every day, I get up in time to grab breakfast every day. I know I need to make sure I have time at night for cooking, which is forcing me to get more organized at school so I have the time. I am planning a week ahead of time now, so I am not worrying about having time during school to make the copies I need, or to get all of my materials together. The two weeks back at school have been great in terms of my time. I am making much better use of my prep time and making better use of my TAs which has cut down the late nights on campus. It has also opened up my nights at home. If I use the time on the weekends properly, I have almost no school work to do once I get home. This has already reduced my daily stress greatly.
I am finding that when I want to improve in one aspect of my life, I start to improve every where else. I am slowly understanding how my physical and emotional health are connected to everything I do. I think by sticking to a financial budget, it will allow me to just enjoy every other aspect of my life. It is forcing me to cook more, which I find relaxing any way, and it is helping us make decisions on what we absolutely want to do, which allows me to appreciate our date nights more. It also helps that Martina and I are perfectly happy just staying at home together. It is absolutely vital when you are poor, to truly love the company of the person you are with. There is no hiding behind all of these activities.
What this all boils down to is figuring out how to spend your time. I have learned to truly cherish every single day because I am learning every single day. I am figuring out how to be better with my money, better with time, and better with my energy. I have dedicated myself to ignoring bad energy, and it has helped me have energy at night, which is good because our daily work outs are kicking my butt in the best way possible.
Last thing, if you have a budget app you swear by, let me know!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
The humility of week one.
In my last post I briefly discussed this new work out routine Martina and I are trying, and now that week one is essentially done (I still have today's leg work out to do), I thought I would reflect back on how hard starting is.
Two years ago when this journey began, EVERYTHING was so hard. I knew that would happen, but what I did not necessarily expect was how humbling it all would be. I have never in my life pretended to be in any sort of shape, but I grew up playing sports and being physical, so I thought I had a good base line. I was wrong. There are so many things my body just was not capable of doing when I started. Most people give up because of that, I would imagine. Why would I put myself through the humiliation of not being able to do a push up? Easy, I just won't. That is my thinking for most of my life. I often faked injuries during the mile run at P.E because I knew I would be last and who needed that humiliation in middle school or high school. Do not even get me started on the President's fitness test twice a year. Are you kidding me? What kind of torture is that for an obese teenager who already had issues with being mocked, now I have to attempt push ups, pull ups and other embarrassing things IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE CLASS? When high school ended, I did away with any thoughts of ever doing push ups again.
Then CrossFit entered my life. I quickly learned the difference between being humiliated by something and being humbled by something. When CrossFit started I could not do a single unmodified push up. I looked around and saw a variety of people in various states of fitness just trying, so that is what I did. I just kept trying. I said, well I cannot do that now, but I will. I will be humbled by my own physical limitations, but I will not quit and I will not be humiliated by them. After all, everyone has to start somewhere, right? As CrossFit went on, I could feel myself getting stronger, and I could do things I never thought possible. I did 5 unmodified push ups before our CrossFit membership ran out. I went from zero to five. I had not done a legit push up since who knows, but when you look at yourself and realize the difference between what you can do at that moment and what you are capable of doing in the future, an entire treasure chest of confidence opens up. Being humbled by my limitations served me very well during CrossFit.
That brings us to last week. I did 2 unmodified push ups. It was the bitterest of pills to realize that in half a year I had lost 3 push ups. I also felt very embarrassed by what I was able to do this last week. I know it is a fraction of what I was doing a mere 6 months ago. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just throw my hands up and say, well it was fun while it lasted, but let's be real about who I am. I am an obese 33 year old, and that is what I am meant to be. I did not give up though. I did my modified push ups, logged what I was able to do, and thought to myself, that is still 2 more push ups than you were doing 2 years ago.
This last week was extremely tough for me in many ways. My students came back to school, and were hit with a doozy of an assignment from me and they have been fighting me all week leaving me just feeling awful about myself. I know that I am still learning the job, and that the constant complaining from students is never going to end, but for some reason it was harder for me to deal with this week. It all felt so personal and combative. Then I would go home and suck hard at my work outs, and it felt like I could not win no matter what I did. At some point though, I realized that I had the chance to decide what these work outs meant to me. I had the opportunity to allow myself to be humbled by what I was doing, instead of being humiliated by them. I am not sure if that is going to make me feel any better about 2 push ups, but I also realize that in a few weeks it will be more than 2 push ups, as long as I keep putting in the work!
Week one of anything is the toughest. Week one is when you are still mentally unsure of what you are doing It is before routine has set in, and you understand exactly what you are doing. Week one is where your insecurities are most vocal. But week one ends, and if you are still moving forward, even at a crawl, then you beat week one. I have beaten many week ones in this journey, this was just another week one to hurdle. Now we attack week 2 with the confidence that it will be better than week one. Let's all be humbled, instead of humiliated.
Two years ago when this journey began, EVERYTHING was so hard. I knew that would happen, but what I did not necessarily expect was how humbling it all would be. I have never in my life pretended to be in any sort of shape, but I grew up playing sports and being physical, so I thought I had a good base line. I was wrong. There are so many things my body just was not capable of doing when I started. Most people give up because of that, I would imagine. Why would I put myself through the humiliation of not being able to do a push up? Easy, I just won't. That is my thinking for most of my life. I often faked injuries during the mile run at P.E because I knew I would be last and who needed that humiliation in middle school or high school. Do not even get me started on the President's fitness test twice a year. Are you kidding me? What kind of torture is that for an obese teenager who already had issues with being mocked, now I have to attempt push ups, pull ups and other embarrassing things IN FRONT OF MY WHOLE CLASS? When high school ended, I did away with any thoughts of ever doing push ups again.
Then CrossFit entered my life. I quickly learned the difference between being humiliated by something and being humbled by something. When CrossFit started I could not do a single unmodified push up. I looked around and saw a variety of people in various states of fitness just trying, so that is what I did. I just kept trying. I said, well I cannot do that now, but I will. I will be humbled by my own physical limitations, but I will not quit and I will not be humiliated by them. After all, everyone has to start somewhere, right? As CrossFit went on, I could feel myself getting stronger, and I could do things I never thought possible. I did 5 unmodified push ups before our CrossFit membership ran out. I went from zero to five. I had not done a legit push up since who knows, but when you look at yourself and realize the difference between what you can do at that moment and what you are capable of doing in the future, an entire treasure chest of confidence opens up. Being humbled by my limitations served me very well during CrossFit.
That brings us to last week. I did 2 unmodified push ups. It was the bitterest of pills to realize that in half a year I had lost 3 push ups. I also felt very embarrassed by what I was able to do this last week. I know it is a fraction of what I was doing a mere 6 months ago. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just throw my hands up and say, well it was fun while it lasted, but let's be real about who I am. I am an obese 33 year old, and that is what I am meant to be. I did not give up though. I did my modified push ups, logged what I was able to do, and thought to myself, that is still 2 more push ups than you were doing 2 years ago.
This last week was extremely tough for me in many ways. My students came back to school, and were hit with a doozy of an assignment from me and they have been fighting me all week leaving me just feeling awful about myself. I know that I am still learning the job, and that the constant complaining from students is never going to end, but for some reason it was harder for me to deal with this week. It all felt so personal and combative. Then I would go home and suck hard at my work outs, and it felt like I could not win no matter what I did. At some point though, I realized that I had the chance to decide what these work outs meant to me. I had the opportunity to allow myself to be humbled by what I was doing, instead of being humiliated by them. I am not sure if that is going to make me feel any better about 2 push ups, but I also realize that in a few weeks it will be more than 2 push ups, as long as I keep putting in the work!
Week one of anything is the toughest. Week one is when you are still mentally unsure of what you are doing It is before routine has set in, and you understand exactly what you are doing. Week one is where your insecurities are most vocal. But week one ends, and if you are still moving forward, even at a crawl, then you beat week one. I have beaten many week ones in this journey, this was just another week one to hurdle. Now we attack week 2 with the confidence that it will be better than week one. Let's all be humbled, instead of humiliated.
Monday, January 6, 2014
The new work out and keeping it positive.
I put our progress tracking papers on the wall that we see right before we go to the bedroom. That way, if we forget, we see it before bed and get our butts in gear and do the work out before bed. I am sure I will spend an ample amount of time writing about this work out as the weeks go on. The weight is still going to come off, but if I can get stronger as well, that would be great.
We did have to cancel our gym membership which presents some problems for the colder and darker months, but financially it just was not working out for us, and now that we had to purchase a new car, we could not spare that 90 bucks a month. I still think we are going to be okay. This 22 week work out will be a great start. I also realized when I was at my parents' house that I was not listening to my body. Early in 2013 I was kicking butt, but as the year went on, I was sliding backwards, but not working out like it. That meant I was taking longer breaks between work outs because my body needed the longer recovery. I am taking that to mean that I need to slow down a bit. While I was continuing to lose weight because I was eating healthier and I was more active than in years past, I was more out of shape than earlier in the year. My plan to combat this is to start slow again. I plan to walk a mile a day 3 days a week for two weeks, then 2 miles a day for 3 days a week for a few weeks and from there, see where it takes me. I think this is a smart move for me right now.
I really think the buzzword for 2014 for me is POSITIVITY. I made great strides in staying positive in 2013, but now is the year where I really conquer the negativity that seeps through during the tough weeks. Staying positive is going to help me stay organized, stay motivated and stay focused. On Facebook I see people post lists, and memes and charts about traits of successful people, and a positive attitude is always towards the top of the list. Plus, I have over a 130 teenagers that look to me every day, and I know that just by being a positive role model, I can help in some way. I am going to try and do whatever I can to remain positive!
Last note: If you have goals to get healthier in 2014, do not listen to snarky people who tell you you are just going to give up in February. You got this!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Reflecting on the year that was
2013 will go down as a monumental year for me because it was the year I began my teaching career. The crazy thing is, it was a day away from being the year I gave up chasing my dream of being a high school English teacher. Life is funny. 2013 also marked the year that my girlfriend and I started to have incredibly serious conversations about a life together forever. These two events made 2013 the absolute best year of my life. It continues a trend that started in 2012. Until 2013, 2012 was the best year of my life. I believe that after 2014 is over, I will say that was the best year of my life. The ultimate goal is to make every year better than the one before. It starts with thinking positively. There were a few years there where I was miserable, and just knew the next year would be miserable. This is not the case any longer. I know in my heart that my life is only going to get better from here.
As I reflect on the year that was, I have to be honest with myself and see what did not work. The first half of the year (when I was underemployed) went swimmingly for my physical health. I worked out 5-6 days a week and was at a 13 minute mile, which is a minute away from my goal. However, the second half was not so good. Teaching is not only a full time job, but it is an exhaustive performance. When I get home, it is tough to think about working out. I did not have a very successful physical health life in the second half of the year. I did not achieve the ultimate 2013 goals I set for myself in this category. I have a mental block for 5Ks, which I blogged about last week. I started the year on track to blow by my physical goals, but did not quite get them.
My biggest success of 2013 in terms of my goals was the giving up of soda. I went an entire year without ordering or drinking a soda. I had minor successes in my cooking, writing, and reading goals. While there was a long stretch where I did not cook new things on a weekly basis, I did venture out and cook new things throughout the year. I also stopped relying on recipes for everything. I started to play with flavors and food combinations and found much success. I want to continue with this in 2014. I very much enjoy cooking, and trying new things. I also set a goal to write a short story in 2013. Not only did I meet that goal, but I surpassed it. I wrote a novella! Curbside Redemption is the name of my novella and it is over 14,500 words long. It is imperfect, and I received some excellent notes on it, and I am unsure of what I will do with it from here. When I finished that, I started writing what I hope will turn into a novel. Summer of 2014 will be the summer I write my novel!
While I did not manage to read a book a week as I had hoped, I did finished 2013 having read over 40 books, 43 to be exact. That put me less than 10 away from my goal! I know that teaching dramatically cuts down on my ability to read books for fun, but I still want to try and read as many books as possible this year. When I get into a great book, very few things fulfill me more.
In 2012 I lost roughly 50 pounds. 2013 was not as successful in terms of pure weight loss, as I lost 22 pounds this year. That puts my total weight loss at 72 pounds in the last two years. I am going to commit myself to having an even better 2014 in terms of my weight loss because I know I have plenty left to go. However, 2013 is the year Martina joined me in my journey and enjoyed her own amazing transformation. She is the ultimate inspiration for me, and I know that together we will continue have amazing progress.
In 2013 I went on more hikes than ever before. I ran more than ever before. I enjoyed exercise more than ever before. I ate more good food. I stopped being afraid of all of these things, and was rewarded very well. 2013 is the year Martina and I started to plan life changing vacations, and it is the year I tried to figure out how to be smarter with money. 2013 is the year I stopped craving soda, and stopped putting sugar in Iced Tea. 2013 is the year I was put in a classroom and given the opportunity to teach these amazing young people that will go on to change the world. It the year I shared my journey with my students, and have had students confide in me their own physical challenges and goals and have looked to me for guidance on how to navigate this world that looks down on teenagers. 2013 was the best year of my life...so far.
As I reflect on the year that was, I have to be honest with myself and see what did not work. The first half of the year (when I was underemployed) went swimmingly for my physical health. I worked out 5-6 days a week and was at a 13 minute mile, which is a minute away from my goal. However, the second half was not so good. Teaching is not only a full time job, but it is an exhaustive performance. When I get home, it is tough to think about working out. I did not have a very successful physical health life in the second half of the year. I did not achieve the ultimate 2013 goals I set for myself in this category. I have a mental block for 5Ks, which I blogged about last week. I started the year on track to blow by my physical goals, but did not quite get them.
My biggest success of 2013 in terms of my goals was the giving up of soda. I went an entire year without ordering or drinking a soda. I had minor successes in my cooking, writing, and reading goals. While there was a long stretch where I did not cook new things on a weekly basis, I did venture out and cook new things throughout the year. I also stopped relying on recipes for everything. I started to play with flavors and food combinations and found much success. I want to continue with this in 2014. I very much enjoy cooking, and trying new things. I also set a goal to write a short story in 2013. Not only did I meet that goal, but I surpassed it. I wrote a novella! Curbside Redemption is the name of my novella and it is over 14,500 words long. It is imperfect, and I received some excellent notes on it, and I am unsure of what I will do with it from here. When I finished that, I started writing what I hope will turn into a novel. Summer of 2014 will be the summer I write my novel!
While I did not manage to read a book a week as I had hoped, I did finished 2013 having read over 40 books, 43 to be exact. That put me less than 10 away from my goal! I know that teaching dramatically cuts down on my ability to read books for fun, but I still want to try and read as many books as possible this year. When I get into a great book, very few things fulfill me more.
In 2012 I lost roughly 50 pounds. 2013 was not as successful in terms of pure weight loss, as I lost 22 pounds this year. That puts my total weight loss at 72 pounds in the last two years. I am going to commit myself to having an even better 2014 in terms of my weight loss because I know I have plenty left to go. However, 2013 is the year Martina joined me in my journey and enjoyed her own amazing transformation. She is the ultimate inspiration for me, and I know that together we will continue have amazing progress.
In 2013 I went on more hikes than ever before. I ran more than ever before. I enjoyed exercise more than ever before. I ate more good food. I stopped being afraid of all of these things, and was rewarded very well. 2013 is the year Martina and I started to plan life changing vacations, and it is the year I tried to figure out how to be smarter with money. 2013 is the year I stopped craving soda, and stopped putting sugar in Iced Tea. 2013 is the year I was put in a classroom and given the opportunity to teach these amazing young people that will go on to change the world. It the year I shared my journey with my students, and have had students confide in me their own physical challenges and goals and have looked to me for guidance on how to navigate this world that looks down on teenagers. 2013 was the best year of my life...so far.
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