The universe RSVPed NO for my pity party

Well gang, here I sit still sick. Going on 8 days of sickness. This never happens to me. I typically have a champion immune system, but this sickness has worked its way deep into my soul. Still coughing, still sniffling and still generally feeling "bleh." This sickness, I think, is a manifestation of how I have been feeling lately. I desperately want a full a time job. In my part time job (which I am relieved to have) hours are being cut and I am in need of another job. Oh joy, the job hunt. All of the negative feelings kind of came to a head yesterday. Yesterday was my second straight day of sitting at home trying to kick this sickness. All I want is to stop sniffling. I was just on verge of a pity party. I had snacks, decorations, and drinks. Then something happened.

As I left my house to go tutor, I put on the jacket I bought last December. When I bought it, it was just a bit snug. It worked for the style of jacket and did not bother me, but it was a bit snug. yesterday I put it on and it was baggy. It was a size too big. At first, I shook it off. Well, it got stretched out in the move, or some nonsense. I was not in the mood to be happy. This was my pity party damn-it! I was sick, and tired. I needed to whine and be full of self pity. When my student showed up without his essay, I knew I was back in pity party mode. That was until he told me that he felt strong enough about his essay that he turned it in early. Two months ago this college student could barely form a coherent paragraph and now he is turning in final drafts without making sure we go over it together? How awesome is that? He gave me a copy to look over and no joke, it was pretty good for him. Because he turned it in early he gets half a letter grade bump, so he was not worried. I was so proud of him for making this giant leap. He had a strong thesis and some great ideas and it was the best effort of his in terms of grammar. I was so sure this was not working, and here he is stating to get it. He wants to work together through next semester too.

When tutoring was done, I came home and the dinner I was making smelled great and it tasted great and Martina and I had a lovely night together at home. At this point I realized the universe was not only rejecting an invitation for a pity party, it was not going to let me HAVE a pity party. The universe was slapping me across the face with all of the things that are going right in my life. Yes, I am sick. No, I am not a teacher and my job is not what I want, but look at all of the things that are going well. I am a size smaller than I was at this time last year. I clearly WILL be a teacher, and I truly believe I will be a good teacher. On top of that, I have this wonderful girlfriend who takes care of me when I am sick and trust me, I am no fun to be around when I am sick. I am more stubborn when I am sick than when I am healthy. it is obnoxious. I can hear myself being obnoxious and for whatever reason I refuse to stop it.

If you ask anyone who knows me very well, they can tell you that I am not one to attach cosmic importance to events, big or small. It is not in my nature to think the universe it trying to talk to me, or give me signs. However, I am finding it hard to ignore. I have been feeling very empty without a classroom. I have been wondering if maybe teaching is not in my future. Perhaps I am not meant for that profession, that life. Then twice this week I have heard from students from last year. Both of them told me how great it was to have me as their teacher. One of them said some of the nicest things I have ever heard. How could I possibly have a pity party when people out there are telling me how thankful they are that they were in my class. How can I possibly ignore the timing? Right as I was getting the most unsure of my path, these two people lit up my path so it was as clear as it had ever been. If anyone is meant for anything, I am meant for teaching. The universe is clearly saying that.

This is not to say that I am going to change my mind completely about cosmic importance. I think if you go looking for signs, you can find them anywhere and can attach importance to anything and when things go wrong, you give yourself an out for personal responsibility. However, if the signs are there when you are decidedly not looking for them, how can you turn your back on them? All things considered, my life is pretty good. I think every once in a while the universe reminds me that. It tells me that my pity party is unnecessary. I have nothing in my own life that needs pity. I have a path, all of you amazing readers, a beautiful-smart-kind-loving girlfriend, and am 40+ lbs lighter. Thank you universe to slapping me across the face with the reality that my life is pretty sweet. I think we all forget how good things can be, especially when the weather is crappy. We are conditioned to focus on the negative. We think about the money we do not have, the extra weight we have, or how this other person has more than we do. Every so often we need to stop, and really look at the positives in our own life. They are there.

This is not about some "I am lucky to be breathing" nonsense. No, really look around you and discover what you have going for you. You, yes you. You are beautiful. You probably have an awesome family, or an awesome group of friends who have become a family. You have great things going on, even in the face of sadness, or in the face of seemingly overwhelming odds. There is something that will get you through it. And to be completely honest with YOU specifically, if you need help, if you are struggling, if you need reminding, ask me. Know this, if I know you in my real life, I want to help. If I do not know in my real life and you stumbled onto this blog, I want to help. We are all in this crazy life together and if you have taken the time to get to know me through this blog, know this, I am here for you. I love to listen, I love to hug and comfort. We all struggle and we all find a way through it. I learned a long time ago that climbing out of a hole alone is incredibly difficult, but climbing out of a hole with someone reaching down to help pull you out, is easier. If you need a hand, I promise you, mine is available.