My once favorite meal

One of the most fascinating aspects of NBC's The Biggest Loser is when they show what the favorite meal of each contestant was and how bad it was for the contestant. One of the main reasons I never felt I could actually be on that show is because of this episode. Typically the favorite meal has thousands and thousands of calories. These are people who just eat and eat and eat. I am not that way. I always get just a bit offended when people tell me I should go on that show. I know they all mean it in the best way possible because generally the people in my life think America would just fall in love with me, because of all my awesomness. However, I do not see myself as being unhealthy enough for that show. I am obese, but the guys on that show start at least 50lbs heavier than I was at my biggest. That is getting beside the point. The point is the meal. During the course of this journey I have done a pretty good job of cutting back on all fast food. I have had fast food less than 20 times since March. I am not where I want to be, but groceries have still been an issue, so I do occasionally get some fast food. I have only had fast food burgers five or six times since march, which is pretty remarkable for me. For a while I have had this idea to revisit my once favorite meal and track how I felt buying it and eating it.

I am finally feeling better and got back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks, so I decided today was a good day to give this is a shot. For those of you who do not know, my favorite meal has long been the Double Western Bacon Cheesburger from Carl's Jr. I used to get it with a large order of chili cheese fries and a large Dr. Pepper. This was my go-to meal for many occasions. It was comfort food, celebration food, late night post-work food and any other occasion I could concoct in my brainspace. I have always known it was just a terrible meal, but I could not help myself. I craved it. It immediately made me feel better, even if that glorious feeling was fleeting, which of course, it was. Most glorious fast food feelings are fleeting. That is how fast food works. Before I go into the experience today, let's chart some of the nutritional value of this meal:

Burger: up to 1,000 calories, almost 2,000mg of sodium, and 15 grams of sugar
Chili cheese fries: 820 calories, nearly 2,000mg of sodium,
Large Dr. Pepper (44oz): 534 calories, 128 grams of sugar.

Doing the math that is 2,354 calories in one meal. A few weeks ago I had to track my food intake for 3 days and the recommended caloric intake for me for the day was roughly 2,700 calories and because I am trying to lose weight, I was coming in at less than 2,000 calories a day. What that means is every time I eat this meal, I was nearly at my recommended caloric intake for the ENTIRE DAY!!

First of all, I felt judged ordering this meal today. I could feel the judgement dripping off the voice of the woman in the drive-thru. Secondly, they were out of Dr. Pepper. To apologize, they threw in onion rings for free. Oh great, just throw fried food at the fatty to appease him! I had to settle for Cherry Coke. The whole way home I could just feel my stomach screaming at me not to throw this food down my throat. For years I constantly craved this meal and here I am nearly a year removed from eating it, and now everything in my body was telling me not to. This is huge progress for me. I am not sure why I cannot stop craving soda, but at least my body no longer craves this burger. In fact, I am rejecting the burger. Still, I soldiered on. If you know anything about my eating habits, you know they are weird. I always put part of my favorite part of the meal off to the side to eat it at the end. I eat all of one thing before moving onto the next. With fast food, I always eat the fries before the burger. It is how I roll. As soon as I opened the container featuring the fries, I started to regret this decision. Just the smell of these chili cheese fries was turning my stomach. However, at the first bite, I was in heaven. God, the taste good. Why did I ever leave you chili cheese fries? 8 bites in now, oh man, this is not going well. Why stomach, why?? It is like I am eating, but nothing is being quenched. I am still so hungry, it does not taste good, and it is just draining my energy. Last two bites, should I even finish it? Yes, I must, I must remind myself why I am not doing this anymore.

Fries finished. Burger unwrapped, a slice of bacon pulled off to the side.

First 1/4:
This is great. I love that the onion rings are still crunchy and that BBQ sauce is delicious. Why is the burger so salty? Stomach revolting a little bit. Getting...sleepy...

After half:
WHY IS THIS BURGER SO SALTY???? feeling so heavy...Is this is end of the road for me? Am I dying?

After 3/4:
Is there a salt lick in this burger? Questioning every decision I have ever made that led me to this specific point. Having to sit back on the couch. Television just noise now. confidence sinking, self worth sinking.....

Finished burger:
Why do I not feel accomplished? Where am I? I need water, desperately. Need...a...nap. How did I do this on a weekly basis?


Here I sit 2+ hours later and nothing is okay. My stomach is unsettled, my brain hurts, If misery could be personified, I would be that. I have no energy whatsoever. I just want to lay down for the rest of the year. It is amazing to me what 9 months can do to a person. I used to get excited at the mere thought of going to Carl's Jr. it was like a little party for me every damn time. Now, I have no idea how I ever did it. Was some of this hyperbole for entertainment purposes, yes, but the feeling is very real. I loathe this decision today, but I also think I needed it. I needed to know that things are in fact changing. Not just my weight and even how I feel, but that what I want is changing. I have trained myself to not crave this awful food any longer. It is a massive victory for me. I need to keep moving forward and knocking out all fast food. It is such a better lifestyle to not eat it. When I do not eat fast food I just like things better. The colors are brighter and all of that nonsense.

I ate more in that one meal calorie wise than I do in a whole day now, yet I am hungrier than usual. All that I want is to eat and sleep, which could have been the title of my memoir if I was writing about my most depressing days. The goal is to train myself to not have food=feelings. I know I will never be a "eat to live" kind of guy. I like to eat good food. I love taste, so I have to understand how to get the best taste honestly. For example, last night I had the best salad I have ever tasted. I cannot spend the money to eat that salad every day, but I know I can make salads at home that are tasty with the right ingredients. This is an on-going process for me.

Every day I have to get up and try again, whether I had a good day or a bad day the day before. I know that my life is better when I do not fill my body with fast food and that has been proven today. After eating my once favorite meal, I do not care about anything. It led me to the insight that perhaps I used to feed myself this meal on a regular basis because I wanted to not care about anything, or feel anything. Some people use drugs or alcohol or sex to numb the pain. Drugs freak me out and are expensive, alcohol gets expensive and often does not taste very good and no one wanted to have sex with me, so I have used food to numb myself to feeling anything. As I prepare for the life of a teacher, and hopefully father, I need to feel and I need to feel good. I have to be some sort of role model to people and I cannot do that if I am constantly numbing myself to the experiences of life.

One of my favorite things about this blog is that I never know where a post is going to take me. I had every intention of writing a (hopefully) funny blog about eating a burger and as I typed, I realized these transcendent things about my life. The more confident I grow on the outside, the more willing I am to be introspective and honest with myself. The writing allows me to be able to put it into words in a mostly coherent way. It makes me wonder why I ever stop writing about everything. Not sure how many people are actually reading this thing on a consistent basis, but I think it is worth it just for myself. So thanks Erik for talking me into it.