Coping with the sadness

The end of September is swiftly approaching, which means October is upon us, and in adult world, the new month brings a new set of monthly bills. Nothing brings the starkness of not having a job into clear focus like bills. Every day it is the same thing, fill out applications and check my e-mail 30 times in the first few hours post application finishing only to end up in bed without a job. This is my fault. I screwed up and will be without a classroom until at least January, possibly longer if there is no one hiring teachers mid-year. The entire thing is so close and one stupid little thing has pushed it a few months back. In the big picture, it is nothing. I am not about the big picture though, I am a little picture kind of guy. I am of the step-by-step process school of thought.

At this moment, everything is a struggle. Every day is tough. This is not hyperbole. This is just a fact of my life. Over the last few years, I have very much struggled to find a job, like so many others out there. It takes such a mental, physical, and mostly emotional toll on me that some days, I just cannot even bear to deal with it. I am so close to being exactly where I want to be in so many ways, but so far away, at the same time. Never have I felt less like I mattered, than when I have not had a job. Yes, it is mostly the income, but in all honesty, I need to be doing something, contributing in some way. Even in the most rudimentary job, I could feel like I was doing something. I need to feel like I am earning my keep, my place in the world.

yes, I am tutoring now, which is awesome. If there was a way for me to tutor 40 hours a week, I would feel beyond blessed. Everything I wish I could do in a classroom to help each individual student, I can do with tutoring. I have 3 students and each one is so vastly different. For 4 hours a week, I am excited and challenged and it reaffirms this desire to teach. I know it is coming, I do. It just should be here already. I should be blogging about how my students are challenging me in unique ways, or I should be too busy to blog at all.

Last week I wrote about motivation. I was all gung-ho and ready for the next day. This week, I am reporting that I failed. I am failing. It is not in the past. It is a current and daily thing that I do, failing. I am not working out. I am not thinking positively. I am not eating greens. I am drinking too much sugar. I am barely present in my own existence right now. I have this giant dark cloud sprinkling drops of doubt, anger, frustration, and sadness. I realize as I type this out, that people out there have it way worse than I do. I have a great support system and I this wonderful girlfriend who loves me and reassures me every day. I honestly cringe to think where I would be without her. However, I still have to stand on my own two feet. And, right now I can barely do that some days.

I am starting to wonder if I just cannot do this. Maybe I cannot make the changes I am trying to make. Maybe I am not mentally strong enough to fight through this hurdle. I cannot break myself free from the chains of tasty but crappy food. I cannot break myself free from the laziness. I am not skilled enough to maneuver this dance of steps forward and steps backward. I look at Erik who is just crushing it in terms of his health goals, and think, damn, he just has this fire and I thought I did, but what if I do not.

Just a few hours ago as I was torturing myself by being in a bookstore, I thought I would set a goal to be in a place to run a 5K in a year, or maybe less. Now, I think, what a miserable idea that is. What if I fail? No, I will fail. I have a fail mentality permeating from my very core. I cannot set goals for the future, if I cannot even get myself to walk the 50 steps to the gym at the apartment on a daily basis right now.

I am trying to find a way to end this with a sense of positive energy, but I do not have any. All I want right now is to drive to Taco Bell and eat so much awful food. I am tired of telling everyone I am fine. I am not fine. I am sad. I am tired of not having a job. Why is it so much easier for me to write this for the entire world to see than it is to call a friend and ask for help? What is it inside me that completely flips out at the possibility of intimately sitting down with a loved one and being completely honest. I think I really need to look at this and see what the root is. I have Martina and we tell each other everything and it is a bigger relief than I can ever put into words, but I also realize putting too much on one person is not healthy. This post took me places I never would have expected to go. Maybe I will just delete the whole damn thing in the morning.

I feel like me blogging after 11pm is like what drunk dialing is to most other people.