Last week while having a disastrous lunch experience with Erik (the food was a disaster, not the company) we got on the subject of self control. I have long blamed my somewhat disgusting eating habits on a severe lack of self control. It was a way to distance myself from responsibility for my actions. It is not my fault, I just lack self control. It was as if self control was something you were either born with or not, or could be purchased somewhere I had just not yet acquired. As this journey progresses, I find myself often thinking about where I was in my life, and more importantly who I have been in my own life. This idea of self control comes back on a reoccurring basis. I have done my fair share of stupid things and it takes serious conviction as a person to take that personal responsibility. I go back and think about all the times I tried to distance myself from being responsible for my own actions by just blaming my lack of self control. If I ate a whole bag of chips in one sitting, it was not my fault I could not put them down. If I went back for thirds or fourths on a meal or dessert, it was not MY fault. I just can not control myself. I am completely absolved from my own actions, because well, I have no self control.
Like anything else worth having in this world, self control is learned. You have to work at it and the fact of the matter is, I was just too lazy, or too reckless to learn that skill. And it is a skill. I have always admired people who ask for a small slice of cake. You know, those people who have just enough of something sweet to take the edge off, but do not need to build cavity after cavity devouring that giant corner piece of cake with all the extra frosting. I look at those people and wonder how they do it. Well, the answer is simple, if the work is not: self control. The ability to know when to stop, not because your body is full, but because you know you will not like it later is such a powerful weapon to yield. This is, of course, for more than just food. This is about anything in life where you need to learn how to stop before things get out of hand. The ability to say "I am good with where I am and if I do anymore I know it will hurt me in some way" is something at which I am still working.
Eating out of boredom is one domain where self control is starting to pay off for me. I am not eating while watching television as much. I am not munching on awful things all day and when I do allow myself to get some ice cream, candy or chips, I am not eating an entire container of it in one sitting. Where it used to take me roughly 20 minutes to polish off a giant the big box of Mike and Ike candy, I now spread it over a few days. Yes, I would like to get to a point where I turn away from candy completely, but I am not there yet. The biggest place I have noticed a change in my self control is with soda and Rockstars. When I began this journey, Rockstars were a big part of my life. If you were to ask any of my former students, they would tell you. I have not had a single Rockstar since I decided to not have them. I have stuck to my guns and have managed to bypass all of the great deals at the grocery store. My self control for soda is getting better. I occasionally cheat, but I am mostly drinking Iced Tea now. I am down to maybe 3 sodas a month.
Every day I am learning something new about myself. I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought in so many different ways. This is a valuable lesson to learn. I have felt powerless my entire life against food. I have felt powerless against self loathing. I have felt powerless against being obese. If I am ever going to conquer any of it, I have to take back the power. Yes, take it back. I had it at some point, but have lost it over the years and I have to stand up for myself and let myself know I have the power against food. I have the power against self loathing and I have the power against being obese. It starts with self control. It starts with me staring myself down and telling myself nothing has power over me unless I have given it the power over me. Food does not control me. My obesity does not control me. How do I know this? Because I am nearly 40lbs less obese than I was in March. I have to control my food, my obesity, my self love. It is process, but every day it grows just a little bit more and I know I am on my way to being the version of me everyone who loves me (including myself) knows I can be.
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