My father, the hero

I should warn any of my readers that this post will be straying a bit from my usual health related posts, but it will tie into my journey, so please allow me this little side venture.

Growing up I always knew I had great parents. Sure, I would complain about them the way any kid/teenager did, but I knew deep down that I got lucky. In high school I had friends who would come over to my house when I was not home in order to hang out with my mom and talk to her. Why? Because my mom is intrinsically cool, but more than that, she was an open minded non judgmental mom. She never talked down to people who were younger. That is something I did not realize when I was at that age, but as I enter my almost mid-30s I see it now. One of the things for which I was often praised on evaluations from my mentor teachers and university supervisors was that I never talked down to any student. One of the reasons, I think, that kids and teenagers gravitate towards me is this concept that I do not talk down to people just because they are younger than I am. I treat a kid's problems the same way I would an adult and I always ask kids how their day is going and I treat it like it important because to that kid, it is. I learned that from my mom. I learned so much from my cool parents that I wish I could back to being a teenager and fully appreciate what they did for me. My parents loved having my friends over. One New Year's Eve my parents had all my church friends over after New Year's Eve Dance and made pancakes and bacon for all of them. I certainly did not ask for it, but my parents wanted my friends to know that my house had a sense of community. I probably never told them how much I appreciated that.

This entry however, is going to focus on my father. It can be a post about all of the great dads out there. I know plenty, but as I struggle to get healthier, I have no better role model to look towards than my own father. My dad has always been a goal oriented man. He is a man with a plan and no one sticks to plans better than my father. I grew up watching him sit down on Sundays and write letters because his goal one year was to write more letters. So he wrote missionaries, family members, and probably various other people. No one has ever stuck to their goals better than my father. I do not know how many years ago it was that he decided to get into shape, but the minute he did, he never looked back. However, it was not just about losing weight. My dad started running 5K's and now has branched out to half marathons and who knows what he has left in store for him. I hardly get to see my dad these days, but one thing I have noticed over the last few years is a change in his attitude towards his own life. My dad has always had excitement for things, but they were reserved for the things his kids did. He would get excited about my opening nights, Travis' point total on the basketball court, Jackson's stat line for baseball and Carly's stat line in softball or volleyball. He would get excited for church events he would help organize or work outings to the Giants games or Waterworld. However, in the last few years he has started to get excited at his own accomplishments. He texts me the times of his runs, not because he is bragging but because he is proud of himself for setting these goals and achieving them. My father is not a proud man, in fact, he might be the most humble man I know, so to him get excited about something he has done, fills me with such happiness and motivation.

I know one day I am going to run a 5K or something with my dad. He will probably beat me, but that is something I am aiming for. My dad is the most supportive man I know. He has supported all four of us kids in anything and everything we have ever wanted to try. He wants us to be happy. My dad sat through rap concerts with Travis and I because he knew we wanted to go and he wanted us to be happy. He has supported me in my most trying times and now that I am working on getting healthier, his support grows all of the time. I am not sure how old I was when I realized that my dad was my hero. It probably happened later in life than it should have, but I truly am a lucky person. My dad is kind and hilarious and motivated and hard working and he leads by example. If my 50+ year old dad could get into shape and run races why couldn't I? Well, I can. Things are slow right now after a fall down the stairs and some oral surgery, but I know that I have my goals in place and when I am physically healed, I will get back on that treadmill and back in that gym and work towards my goal because Hadley's do not quit.

I have learned so many great things from my dad, but not because he was telling me to watch him and act like him, he just did it. As I start to think about family and future, I always wonder what kind of dad I will be. I do not worry about being a good father because I had such an excellent role model. In sports my dad wanted to win, yes, but as a coach he practiced things like fair play and gave every player a chance to play minutes. He wanted to make sure everyone was involved. He was never once too busy to play catch with me, or shoot hoops with me, or run passing routes with me, or any of my siblings. He was home for dinner most nights and we ate as a family most nights until there were teenage jobs, and extracurricular activities to get to. Even now he drives to California to see my plays and see Travis and Carly. His kids are his life, but now he has this other part of his life that excites him and it excites me to know that I still have my own life to look forward to. Every day I wake up with a choice to be happy or not and for some reason, often times thinking about my dad makes me want to be happy. It wants me to be better. I want to be the kind of guy who whose kids' friends' think to come to if they need an adult to talk to.

Through his actions, my dad taught me how to treat a woman correctly, he taught me the importance of date nights, and laughter. I learned the value of being with the family when things are rough and when they are great. I understand why family game nights are important. I learned fair play and team work and I learned that even my smallest accomplishments are worth celebrating. However, in this journey to get healthy I have realized that I learned the importance of goals and in the last few years I have learned that it is never too late to change you life and make it the best life it can be.

The twists and turns of quiet contemplation

"Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight." 17 magazine Body Peace Treaty

The last week has been incredibly rough. I feel as if I have a myriad of things holding me back right now. My body has felt like it was quitting on me, like I was pushing slightly too hard through a series of pained joints and muscles and I realized, that I might have been. In an attempt to get myself to the goal of a 12 minute mile, I pushed myself too hard and burned myself out. I was not properly warming beforehand, nor had I really built my stamina up to get where I need to get to achieve that goal. I just saw the goal and wanted it so hard that I forgot that I have treat my body well in order to get there. It was frustrating and a bit disheartening. I kind of gave up on myself for a few days there. I am not proud of it at all, but it happened. I just kind of threw in the towel and fell back into some of my bad patterns or laying around a lot.

There are times when I look at myself and just feel like I am not getting anywhere and thinking that this whole thing is pointless. At some point I should see a difference, not only feel a difference, but I should be able to look in the mirror and see myself shrinking and I am not seeing that. For a few weeks I was doing everything right all of the time and was not seeing what I thought I should see and if I cannot see any change doing things the right way, why deny myself things I desperately want like soda, chips, candy and fast food. I know, my body cannot handle fast food the way it used to, but I still miss it. I miss soda and to everyone who tells you it goes away, IT DOES NOT!!! No substitute gets me over missing it. Oh I know what would happen if I had some, it would be gross and I would feel sick because I am not putting it in my body anymore, but logic goes out of the window when I feel down on myself.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a bad relationship with myself. I know logically what to do, but when I am feeling down logic holds no place. Logic has no place in an emotional setting and let's face it, a relationship with one's body is emotionally fragile. I wake up some days thinking I am about as awesome as a man can be, but often times I wake up and think that I am never going to get it right, so why try? I thought this feeling about my body would end when I got out of high school. Then I thought it would end when I found someone who loved me, now I am wondering if it ever really ends? At what point do I realize that this is who I am and it is up to me to get right with it? I am 50lbs lighter than I was at this point last year and I am down 85lbs from my highest weight in my life when I was probavbly 24 or 25 years old. I am basically at my lowest weight since high school, but I am also in better shape than I was in high school. I am, otherwise in the happiest place I have been in my entire life, minus the whole lack of job thing. So why am I still at such odds with how I look? Why does it matter so much?

Generally I feel more confident than I have in my entire life. Today I jogged for 12 minutes straight and just missed my 12 minute mile. I can do push-ups now and at work when it is slow I am doing squats and lunges and these standing push up things. I do not sit and eat popcorn when it is slow. No, I am trying to make myself the best version of who I am. However, I realize in my quiet alone moments, I still have so much work to do on the inside. I still have to get myself right with who I actually am. One of the things I am trying to work on is not defining myself by my job, or lack of job. For so many of the last 5 years I have struggled to find a full time job when I have needed it. When I get a chance to interview for a job, I get it 95% of the time, but it has been a constant point of contention in my life. I need to feel like I am doing something to contribute to the world and to my own world. I have to work on reminding myself that I am not defined by not having a job. I hate telling people I am an usher at a movie theater. I hate going to work because I feel like I am doing the exact same thing I was doing when I was 16 years old because I am doing the exact same thing I was doing when I was 16 years old. It makes me feel like I have not accomplished anything in the last 16 years, which is totally stupid, but again, my relationship with logic is shaky at best.

I have to admit this post has not gone where I set out to take it, but clearly I have had some things on my mind that I have been struggling to express outwardly. I should have known writing it down was the only way to get it out into the world and out of my head. The quote I put at the beginning of this post came to me from The Biggest Loser last night. For some reason it really hit me in a major way. After last week's frustrating events, I remembered that every day I get to start again, so that is what I did. I stretched out, I made a nice breakfast, I walked down to the gym and I got on the treadmill again. Keeping a good pace, when 10 minutes of pure jogging passed, I pushed myself to go two more and I did it. After a bad week, I had a great morning. I had a great long shower, I am going to make a great lunch and make some salmon for dinner. I am going to read a book and I am going to send my resume to three places today. I am going to spend this day reminding myself that it is okay to have a bad day and it is okay to slip and fall because I am able to get back up and try again. I am going to remind myself that I have great qualities that I need to love about myself and I need to remind myself that my relationship with my body, while volatile, is MY relationship, and I am the only one who can change it. I am the only one who can get right with it. I am the only one who can look at myself and tell myself that it is going to be okay and that as long as I am trying my very best to be the best version of myself, that I can hold my head up high and be proud of myself, which is something I never let myself be. When I graduated college, I did not let myself be proud of myself, and when I finished the Teacher Credential Program, I did not let myself be proud of that, but now I realize that I am the only one stopping me from being proud of who I am and what I have done and what I continue to do.

Okay, I am too emotionally drained to continue. No more truth from me today.

Physical Education

I grew up an athlete, as has been documented multiple times in this blog. My mom once told me that my dad wanted us to play as many sports as possible growing up so that in P.E class we would not look foolish. This may seem like a silly reason, but I promise you, it is not. I grew up playing baseball, basketball, football, tennis and yes, even soccer. I knew the rules, I knew how to play and most of all, I was good enough at all of them to never be made fun of during sports in P.E. In fact, my sophomore year in high school, I beat my P.E teacher in tennis and got an automatic A for the semester. I could play sports and I could play them at a level below superstars, but above most people. To be an overweight teenager and not get picked last in sports, always felt like a big deal. Actually, I was often a captain during sports all through middle school, even though I was miserable and had basically no friends. Sports were always a saving grace for me.

However, there was this other side to P.E. The fitness side. There was the President's test, and the mile runs and all of that other stuff that went along with those physical education classes. This is where I failed myself. I was not in great shape. I was not in good shape. I could hide that in sports because I was skilled. I could hit a baseball, shoot a hoop, throw a pass, and serve a tennis ball, I could not, however, run a mile to save my life. Through most of junior high I faked notes from my dad to get out of running the mile (I could mostly forge my dad's signature, but not my mom's.) If I did not fake a note, I would run until everyone was out of my sight and then I would walk the rest of it, finishing well after everyone else had moved on to other things and not paying attention to how slowly I finished a mile. When it came to the president's test, I would literally cry on those days because everyone was around you watching you try to do a pull up, which I could not do. The entire process shamed me. It did not shame me into taking action, no it shamed into not trying. I did not care what anything showed on those tests, I just hated knowing I was going to get teased non stop about my inability to do anything on that stupid fitness test.It is that test that made me afraid of ever trying sit ups, push ups, pull ups and everything else involved. I could literally play circles around 85% of my class in spots, but no one cared about my skills in sports when it came time for this bi-yearly test.

Recently I have taken up CrossFit, as I have mentioned here, and CrossFit has forced me to dig deep within myself and TRY. Sit ups, push ups and pull ups are all a big part of the CrossFit routine. The biggest difference between now and then is no one is making fun of me for trying. In junior high, my P.E. teachers looked passed the teasing, thought nothing of the snickers coming from my classmates as I struggled to do a pull up. They paid no mind to kids calling me the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. I do not bring this up for sympathy or pity, as I have processed that time in my life and dealt with it. When I got out of high school, I was sure I was never going to do anything of those things again because of all the ugliness attached to it all. I was never going to run a mile again because I could not be successful at it. I could not be successful at physical fitness and no one in middle school or high school made me feel like I could. I was these great supportive teachers all through high school, but none of them were there in P.E. Now, at 32 years old, I have these great P.E teachers.

This morning I just missed my 12 minute mile, but I did get 1 and 1/4 mile in 15 minutes on the treadmill and then followed that up with two miles on the bike. I did 3.25 miles of physical fitness today and all under an hour. Tonight I will go to CrossFit and I will probably be asked to do push ups, of which I can now do 6 before going to a modified version. I am so close to being able to do a real sit up again. I am still worlds away from doing a real pull up, but I am trying. In middle school and high school, I would do a mile in probably 20 or 25 minutes. I am bigger now than I was in middle school, but I was scared in middle school. I was scared of everything from the age I was 12 until 18. Now I am on the treadmill running/jogging/walking a mile 5 days a week. This is not just about getting physical healthy, this is about conquering all of the things that scare me. Well, not all of the things, I will never get over my fear of clowns, those things are just unnecessary.

Physical Education made me afraid of physical fitness. Not only that, but I always felt physical education missed teaching me about so much of the idea of being healthy. I understand there is a health class at the high school level, but shouldn't physical education be all encompassing about health? That, I presume, is a topic for another day. When I was a kid, I loved sports, and running around with my friends. Eventually all of that stuff scared me and now I am slowly getting it back. I am remembering what it feels like to build up a nice sweat accomplishing something physically demanding. I am missing basketball and baseball. Honestly, I think the thing I miss the most is playing basketball with my brothers and dad. I am setting clear goals and working towards them. I will have a 12 minute mile before February is over. I wish I had this resolve when I was 13 years old. Who knows what may have happened if I had felt supported by the people at school, or if I just did not care what people said in junior high and high school. I do know this, it is never too late to do a pull up and one day, I will get there.

Trying to maintain a positive attitude

In all honesty, the last week has been incredibly rough on me. I lost the substitute teaching job. I am not entirely sure what happened, so I am not going to rehash it all, but it is gone. All that means is that I am exactly three weeks ago. I am in no worse a position, although it definitely feels that way. This is where that mental aspect of my work comes into play. I am pretty sure if this had happened at any other part of my life, I would have completely fallen apart. I would have binged on some of the worst food imaginable and stayed in bed for weeks. It is just how I would have dealt with a sort of loss. However, I do realize that I am in no worse a place than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a job, even if it is only a part time job. I am well liked and respected in this job, and my managers all told me that they will let me know if any of the surrounding Regal theaters have management openings and will write me a recommendation. It is not a great job, but I have something. I also still have everything else I had a few weeks ago. Therefore things are still good. Right? Yes, for the most part. I still feel great.

I am slowly realizing that we create our own mentality. I have been weighed down by a negative attitude my entire life and no matter where I try to lay the blame, I realize I am the one who should be shouldering the blame. I know I have touched upon this in my blog before, I will not bemoan the point, but I think it is worth mentioning every so often. Our attitude determines how we react to a situation. I can remember times in my life, when I would have a day of small misfortunes and I would blame it on the world just hating me for existing. What kind of nonsense is that? Now I realize that is not the case. People spend a lot of time commenting on how great I look, that my physical appearance is changing and that is great, but there is a part of me that thinks that I do not really look that physically different in terms of my weight. I feel like the change my appearance has more to do with how I carry myself. I am no longer always looking at the ground. I am not as hunched over when I walk. My hands are not always shoved deep into my pockets as I try to avoid talking to people. When I go see shows, I am not standing in the back waiting for my friends to be done talking to all of the patrons, I go up to them and hug them and get in the middle of crowds without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging. I really believe that is the biggest physical change people see.

I know I am losing weight, that is something you can measure. However, when I look in the mirror, I do not see someone who looks smaller, I really do not. I wish I did, but that is not what I see. However, I do see changes, but they are attitude changes. Last Friday night I went to CrossFit without Martina for the first time. It was the biggest class I have attended to this point and the work was by far the most intense to this point. I am pretty sure the Kyle from a year ago would have quietly walked out, gotten in his car and gone home. He would have not been able to handle any of that without someone he knew. He would not have been able to be in a gym with a bunch of really fit people and still been able to do any of the work out. But that is just not who I am anymore. Instead, I walked up to a guy who was sort of similar in size, introduced myself and asked him to be my partner for the partner work. I could barely recognize myself in doing any of that. I have never been the kind of guy to walk up to people and just start conversation. I have always been too self conscious to do such a thing. At least not since high school. And to have spent a whole hour next to some other dude and not once be self deprecating about my weight or my abilities in hopes of getting a laugh? That might be the biggest part of that whole night.

In fact, I generally feel like I am doing a great job at not being self deprecating in an attempt to get people to laugh with my obesity instead of at it. I am doing so much work to be healthier and happier and I realize that I am the one who holds me back the most. Instead of joking about my obesity, I am tackling it head on. I am admitting to myself that my obesity is something I can get control of, instead of letting it have control over me. I still have days where I just feel gross about who I am, and I do express it, but it is not in a joking way, or even a way to get sympathy. It is just stating it out so it no longer festers in my brain and eats at me. And then I have Martina who reassures me that I am not gross and it makes everything okay for that moment.

I know I am going to have bad days and bad weeks, but my attitude is everything. If I can keep myself moving forward and looking for the next opportunity instead of wallowing in what I did not get or what happened to me, I can overcome the bad days or bad weeks without letting them turn into bad months, or bad years. It is time for me to be an active tense and not a passive tense. I need to do things and not let things happen to me (sorry, I could resist). If I just focus on the things that make me happy: my girlfriend, my friends, cooking and eating good food, the gym (what??) movies, and books, I can overcome the bad times. I have to keep myself from slipping into an inherently negative attitude until it is my habit to be positive and do not even have to think about that negativity that has weighed me down for two decades. One step at a time seems like such a cliche, but it is true. Every day is fresh start, and it is time I stop carrying the baggage from Monday into Tuesday and so on until Saturday comes and I am too crushed by baggage that I cannot enjoy the weekend.

The Biggest Loser

From its first season until now, I have always been a fairly casual observer of NBC's The Biggest Loser. I have seen probably 8 seasons in their entirety and seen bits and pieces of most of the other seasons. For those of you who do not know what it is, The Biggest Loser is a reality based contest show. The goal? To be the person who loses the most weight, pure and simple. Every season obese people come on the show and work out with renowned trainers and learn how to be healthy. They get weighed at the end of each episode and the team who loses has to send someone home. For 13 seasons, The Biggest Loser has been a staple of NBC programming.

I remember when I first heard about this show, I was hesitant. Then the first season started and it had the catch phrase "Time to trim the fat" and I felt like it was a show that was not taking the idea of obesity seriously. That catchphrase went away quickly, thankfully, but every year as I watched the show, something about it always felt off for me. I have been obese for most of my life. At my heaviest (early 20's), I was over 350 lbs. I know what it is like to be obese and I know what obese people go through. I always felt The Biggest Loser gave people a false idea of how weight loss worked. It made it seem like dropping 9-15 lbs a week was not only doable, but expected. It sets people up for failure by giving them unrealistic expectations. it does not show the viewer how to lose weigh at home when you work 8 hours a day, come home to a family and have 50 things going on. These are not excuses. Let me make that clear. This last year has shown me how possible it is to lose weight, once you figure it out, but The Biggest Loser takes a group of obese people away from their lives and tells them, "Lose the most weight and win $1000,000.00." It is your only focus when you are on that show and when you only have one focus, it is easier to spend all day in the gym. When stocks your fridge with healthy things, it is easier to eat them. I am not saying the show is bad, but it has always felt like the show sets people up for failure if they think the weight loss results on the show are realistic.

Every year I have watched this show with an attitude of "I wish I could do the things they are doing." I always watch it and think about how I should maybe just try and get on the show and that would fix my issues, which is another dangerous idea the show kind of plants in your head. It is shocking to me how many of the contestants say that they have been trying to get on the show for years. "Well if I cannot get on the show, I guess I just cannot lose the weight." Let me be clear, I think the show has great ideas and it is compelling television. It reduces me to tears on a weekly basis as I watch these people fight to get their lives back, but I have always watched it with the idea that you need that avenue to lose the weight. it has always been an unhealthy relationship for me.

Last year when I started to figure out how to get my life back, I thought about the show and how the contestants motivate themselves. I realized, they do not typically motivate themselves, the trainers help them breakdown their issues and motivate them. It is only after they confront the mental and emotional blocks that they have any success. Instead of wondering where my personal 24/7 trainer was, I realized that I could get myself through the emotional and mental roadblocks. I have detailed my internal struggles repeatedly on this blog, so I am not going to talk at length about them, but The Biggest Loser showed me that losing weight is, at most, a 70% physical thing. That 30% of mental/emotional is just as important. I did not have a trainer yelling at me, pushing me and telling me I deserved better. I had to do it myself. When you start to dissect your choices, you realize how much you have been holding yourself back.

Once I stopped thinking only about "I wish I could do that" and started saying "I can do that" or "I will be able to do that" so much opened up for me. Yes, the workouts on The Biggest Loser are a big part of the show, but in my life, I cannot replicate those. I do not have the access they do. I do not have entire days to give to just focusing on my health. I have the stress of daily life looming. I have to find a job, or pay bills, deal with car trouble, or whatever other issues come up in a day. But, I have understood what The Biggest Loser teaches about the mental hurdles. The trainers are therapists as well as trainers. The contestants break down and cry and feel worthless and then they build themselves up as they realize what they are capable of doing. This is the shows biggest asset. It shows us what we are capable of when we stop making excuses.

This year the show is focusing on childhood obesity and they have three young ambassadors to help show the struggle of young obese people. These three people are incredibly brave. When I was 13, I would have never gone on a national television show for being obese. I was too scared. The young boy representative looks too much like me when I was that age. I cannot imagine what he is going through when Bob Harper comes to visit him, but every week I just hope this kid can figure it out. There is nothing I want more than for young people to not go through what I went through at that age. No one deserves that. The show is doing a great thing with these kids though. They never put the kids on a scale. They are just trying to teach an active lifestyle and a healthier diet. it is really tough for me to watch, but also it fills me with hope because if these 12-16 year old kids can put themselves out there to try and end the cycle of obesity, so can I.

These last few weeks I have found myself hitting big milestones. Yesterday I reached a new one by running for 10 minutes nonstop. I am pretty sure I have never done that before. I am doing things I was sure I was not capable of doing. Of course, I never tried them, but look at me. I am too obese to run nonstop for 10 minutes. NO I AM NOT!! When I finished my workout, I went outside and just became overwhelmed with emotion. I could not even cry, that is how full of emotion I was. I thought to myself that anything the people on The Biggest Loser can do, I can do. In the last few weeks I have done a 15 minute mile, I have done a few sit-ups, and now I have run nonstop for 10 minutes. I watch The Biggest Loser with a different perspective now. I no longer say I wish I could do those things, I say that I know I can do those things. I know that 9-15 lbs of weight loss a week is unrealistic, but I do know that if I work out daily and eat better, that the weight will come off in time. The Biggest Loser is a sprint, but my life, my experience, is a marathon. 2013 has already thrown me a serious life curve ball, but I am strong enough to stay up. I will figure this out and now I will conquer the ever elusive 12 minute mile!

My culture of can't

Sometime in December Living Social put up a really great deal for a CrossFit gym. I had been looking into it for a little bit because I had a few people who I know and respect tell me how much it was working for them. They said it would appeal to my competitive spirit. As I am always looking at ways to feed my competitive beast, I was curious. After doing some research, I felt it was something that could be of interest to me. Of course, I had no actual intention of doing it. I mean there was no way I could do all of that "stuff." Well, Martina, being the super smart woman she is, bought her Living Social first and then just kept dropping hints about how great it would be if we could go together. She really is a devilish woman. Unable to resist the logic and charms of my beautiful girlfriend, I bought the deal and we were going to use the new year to Springboard into it. Martina went a week before I went, but I joined her the next week. What follows will be my first two CrossFit experiences.

First off, the husband and wife who own the gym we attend are great. They are overwhelmingly positive and supportive. From the first moment I felt comfortable. I have NEVER felt comfortable in a gym. I have never felt comfortable around people who are in great shape because I always feel like they are judging me. I never felt that here. It was a very welcoming place. Cold as a frozen hell, but welcoming. We started off with a warm up consisting of a jog, push-ups, sit-ups, walking lunges, squats and wall/balls. The owner gave us modified versions of each exercise if we were struggling and kept reminding us not to hurt ourselves. It was about the most insanely painful thing I had ever experienced, but it also felt so good to be trying to do these things I had been telling myself I couldn't do since those awful President's fitness tests in middle school. Here I was, a day after a crazy 60 minute workout, pushing myself in ways I had never pushed myself. Then he showed us how to do these modified pull up things, which was weird and scary and uncomfortable, but also kind of fun. The workout used weights and more squats and felt like my senior year Weight Training class, which I never took seriously because I cheated the system. My teacher told us on day one that if your max weight lift gain went up over 40lbs during the semester you could not get less than a B. I pretended to make a pretty low weight my max, then goofed off all year, then lifted what I actually could lift at the end of class and my "max" went up 50 lbs and I got an A. I mean, I could not actually do any of the lifting. I was too weak.

Week two of Crossfit presented an interesting challenge: clapping push-ups. From the moment I found that out, I just kept saying "I can't, I can't, I can't." When the time came to do them, I resisted, but eventually knew I was going to be held accountable for it. I had to try. I got down and did 2 of them! The rest of them I did in a modified way, but if you include the modified ones which were still incredibly difficult, I did 5 sets of 5 push-ups. 25 push-ups over the span of 15 minutes along with doing these squats whose name escapes me right now, might seem like a little deal to many people, but this was monumental for me. This was me conquering 18 or 19 years of "I Can't." This was me doing everything I could to push almost two decades of negativity aside and at least trying to do something about it.

When it was over the female owner asked me how it was and I said "It was the hardest thing I can remember doing" and she held out her fist and said "Yeah, but you did it." I did it. This concept is still foreign to me. This idea of simply doing things is so strange. I did a 15 minute mile this week, simply because I stopped telling myself, "I can't." Never has such a little phrase held such power over me for so long. Last year I lost 40lbs and when I plateaued and when the holidays came and the weight stopped coming off, I did not tell myself "I can't lose anymore." I simply told myself to keep working.

This phrase "I can't" is something I am eliminating from my vocabulary. It is a phrase I never let my students say, and now it is a phrase I need to not say myself. I will run for 10 minutes non stop by the end of next week, because I know I can. The chains of "I can't" must be broken. I must free myself from the bounds of my own negativity. I must not let myself be kept in the prison of my own insecurities about what I am capable of. I cannot in good faith tell the people I love and care about that they are capable of great things, if I do not believe I am capable of great things. And let me be clear, me doing any kind of push-ups is a great thing. Any time we do something we did not know we were capable of it is a great thing. Please know that. Great things do not have to be these huge massive feats, they can be small feats that we previously felt we could not do. Anytime I feel myself pushing through a moment of "I can't" I feel empowered and every time we empower ourselves, it is a great moment. I doing everything I can to not let these small feats of greatness go noticed by myself. If next week, I can do a few more push-ups, that will be a milestone. It will be uncharted waters for me and it is only because dived off the island of can't and into the waters of can. Forgive the cheesy metaphor. It seemed good when I thought it.

The new year is 12 days long and I have not had any fast food or soda. I have been to the gym or walked for 15 minutes in a day 10 out of the 12 days. I feel stronger than I have in years. I feel healthier and happier than I can ever remembering feeling. I am expanding the scope of what I am capable of on a daily basis. On top of everything else, I got a job this week. It is kind of funny that when I finally decided to take control of my life, and started to feel better, things started to fall into place. The minute I stopped blaming the world for my life and started to look deep inside myself, I started to realize things could get better for me. And now it is happening. But it all starts with pushing aside the phrase "I can't." Trust me, you can. All you have to do is try and then be amazed at what you are actually capable of doing.

"Don't hold a glass over the flame" - Mumford and Sons

Last night I went to sleep with the idea that I would get up at around 8:30 when the kitten usually starts attacking my feet to wrestle me from slumber. I would get up, make breakfast and go to the gym for a short workout. I work tonight so I planned on keeping the workout short so I have the ability to stand for 7 hours. As often is the case, plans did not exactly work out. I was woken up by a phone call from the city of Sacramento wanting money for a ticket. Starting next week the hours at work are being cut and my already minimal paychecks are going to take another hit. Between all of my bills, I have no idea how any of this is going to work. The phone call this morning just sent me over the edge. When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I knew it was going to be a couch, junk food binge and television kind of day. Then I remembered my goals and everything that I was working for and I decided I needed to go to the gym, even if it was only for 15 minutes.

Begrudgingly I headed down to the gym, but I knew my workout playlist was not going to work for me today. I did not want upbeat songs. I was not in the mood for danceable music. Screw that noise. I needed something that appealed to my current state of mind, which was slightly bitter, somewhat anxious and mostly just angry. I knew I could find that in the voice of Mumford and Sons. The tempos are great for working out because when that banjo kicks in you just want to move as fast as humanly possible, but the lyrics and the vocals are thoughtful, introspective and rich with meaning. This workout was going to be quick and dirty and I needed to stay focused on my frustration. Mumford and sons was perfect for that.

The goal: 15 minutes on the treadmill. What follows is my own recounting of my time in the gym today.

Minute 1: Ugh, Maybe I should only go five minutes today. What is the point honestly? Nothing is working right now. Why am I even here?

Minute 3: (hearing Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,/ And I believe in grace and choice/ And I know perhaps my heart is fast,/ But I’ll be born without a mask) Why is my voice telling me to stop, that is not my voice. That is my fear, but my voice is not my fear and my fear is not my voice. I can push on!

Minute 8: Half way done. This is killing me. Why did I decide to go for 15 minutes? I am too fat for this nonsense. I bet if anyone came in they would think I am just some stupid guy who is going to quit his resolution in a few weeks. Maybe they are right. (then blasting through my ear buds: Now I'll be bold/ As well as strong/ And use my head alongside my heart "I'll be bold, as well as strong. I can do this." Did I just say that out loud? Yes I did. Time to turn up the speed a bit.

Minute 13: Two minutes until done. This was not too bad. Maybe I should go for 20 minutes. I can do this. Man this album is perfect for working out.

Minute 17: WHY?????? I can just stop now. I hit my 15 minute mark. Singing in my head: So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light/ 'Cause oh that gave me such a fright/ But I will hold as long as you like/ Just promise me we'll be alright Push it Kyle. see that light. Feel that light in the darkness. This too shall pass, right? Push through the pain.

Minute 20: Why stop now? Mumford sings of grace, heart, resilience, redemption and sacrifice. Am I not worth redemption? Am I not capable of sacrifice? I can do 30 minutes on a treadmill! Faster!!!

Minute 21: Why am I an idiot. This is so hard!

Minute 22: Mumford and Sons sings to me: But hold me fast, Hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/ And hold me fast, Hold me fast/ 'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ The skies I'm under And the banjo is kicking and Mumford is so full of life and trust in his voice and I am wrapped up in the poetry of the moment and I realize Mumford is talking to me. I will learn to live the skies I'm under. These are my skies, this is my life and I need to embrace it. I can embrace it. And most of all I can do 30 minutes on a damn treadmill because the alternative is watching television.

Minute 30: BOOM!!! Done! Nailed it! But what if I moved to the bike and put on Mumford's first album? No, I am done. Mumford sings: We will run and scream/ You will dance with me/ They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free I want to be free. I want to dance, run and scream. I can do a few minutes on the bike.


Minute 60: HOLY CRAP!!!!


Today I turned a begrudging 15 minute workout into an exhilarating 60 minute workout. I took myself to the brink of what I thought I could handle, and I jumped over that mental barrier. When the workout was over, I wandered for a few minutes outside and enjoyed the air and the sun with Mumford and Sons still blaring through my ear buds. Something clicked inside of me today. There was this spark ignited and I realized that the only thing stopping me is me. I killed it today and when it was done, I was not exhausted, I was energized and alive. If this post seems indulgent, I apologize, but I was seriously motivated through the lyrics of these songs. They spoke to me and helped me realize that hope and redemption are motivators. They showed me how resiliency and triumph can have every day functionality. It was quite a morning!