In all honesty, the last week has been incredibly rough on me. I lost the substitute teaching job. I am not entirely sure what happened, so I am not going to rehash it all, but it is gone. All that means is that I am exactly three weeks ago. I am in no worse a position, although it definitely feels that way. This is where that mental aspect of my work comes into play. I am pretty sure if this had happened at any other part of my life, I would have completely fallen apart. I would have binged on some of the worst food imaginable and stayed in bed for weeks. It is just how I would have dealt with a sort of loss. However, I do realize that I am in no worse a place than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a job, even if it is only a part time job. I am well liked and respected in this job, and my managers all told me that they will let me know if any of the surrounding Regal theaters have management openings and will write me a recommendation. It is not a great job, but I have something. I also still have everything else I had a few weeks ago. Therefore things are still good. Right? Yes, for the most part. I still feel great.
I am slowly realizing that we create our own mentality. I have been weighed down by a negative attitude my entire life and no matter where I try to lay the blame, I realize I am the one who should be shouldering the blame. I know I have touched upon this in my blog before, I will not bemoan the point, but I think it is worth mentioning every so often. Our attitude determines how we react to a situation. I can remember times in my life, when I would have a day of small misfortunes and I would blame it on the world just hating me for existing. What kind of nonsense is that? Now I realize that is not the case. People spend a lot of time commenting on how great I look, that my physical appearance is changing and that is great, but there is a part of me that thinks that I do not really look that physically different in terms of my weight. I feel like the change my appearance has more to do with how I carry myself. I am no longer always looking at the ground. I am not as hunched over when I walk. My hands are not always shoved deep into my pockets as I try to avoid talking to people. When I go see shows, I am not standing in the back waiting for my friends to be done talking to all of the patrons, I go up to them and hug them and get in the middle of crowds without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging. I really believe that is the biggest physical change people see.
I know I am losing weight, that is something you can measure. However, when I look in the mirror, I do not see someone who looks smaller, I really do not. I wish I did, but that is not what I see. However, I do see changes, but they are attitude changes. Last Friday night I went to CrossFit without Martina for the first time. It was the biggest class I have attended to this point and the work was by far the most intense to this point. I am pretty sure the Kyle from a year ago would have quietly walked out, gotten in his car and gone home. He would have not been able to handle any of that without someone he knew. He would not have been able to be in a gym with a bunch of really fit people and still been able to do any of the work out. But that is just not who I am anymore. Instead, I walked up to a guy who was sort of similar in size, introduced myself and asked him to be my partner for the partner work. I could barely recognize myself in doing any of that. I have never been the kind of guy to walk up to people and just start conversation. I have always been too self conscious to do such a thing. At least not since high school. And to have spent a whole hour next to some other dude and not once be self deprecating about my weight or my abilities in hopes of getting a laugh? That might be the biggest part of that whole night.
In fact, I generally feel like I am doing a great job at not being self deprecating in an attempt to get people to laugh with my obesity instead of at it. I am doing so much work to be healthier and happier and I realize that I am the one who holds me back the most. Instead of joking about my obesity, I am tackling it head on. I am admitting to myself that my obesity is something I can get control of, instead of letting it have control over me. I still have days where I just feel gross about who I am, and I do express it, but it is not in a joking way, or even a way to get sympathy. It is just stating it out so it no longer festers in my brain and eats at me. And then I have Martina who reassures me that I am not gross and it makes everything okay for that moment.
I know I am going to have bad days and bad weeks, but my attitude is everything. If I can keep myself moving forward and looking for the next opportunity instead of wallowing in what I did not get or what happened to me, I can overcome the bad days or bad weeks without letting them turn into bad months, or bad years. It is time for me to be an active tense and not a passive tense. I need to do things and not let things happen to me (sorry, I could resist). If I just focus on the things that make me happy: my girlfriend, my friends, cooking and eating good food, the gym (what??) movies, and books, I can overcome the bad times. I have to keep myself from slipping into an inherently negative attitude until it is my habit to be positive and do not even have to think about that negativity that has weighed me down for two decades. One step at a time seems like such a cliche, but it is true. Every day is fresh start, and it is time I stop carrying the baggage from Monday into Tuesday and so on until Saturday comes and I am too crushed by baggage that I cannot enjoy the weekend.
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