Hello dear readers, if there are any of you left. It has been quite some time since I updated my weight loss blog, and I realized that I missed it. I am a very busy guy these days, but I know I need to get better at taking time for myself, and part of that is this blog. So, this is the great blog reboot. My new goal is to update this blog once a week. It will not be on a regular day or time, but I am challenging myself to give a substantial update once a week.
I am currently sitting in the dining room at my parents' house. Fresh off a wonderful Christmas with my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, and my adorable niece. I have been sleeping in a room where a medal hangs, a medal my dad got for completing one of his various races over the last year. One the fridge is a list of goals my dad has in four different life categories. He runs no matter the weather or the circumstances. It is very inspiring to see in person. I look at that medal every night and think about my goals to finally take on a 5K, but more importantly, my goal of a 12 minute mile. That medal hangs there helping me recommit to my physical health.
Tuesday I actually went and ran with my dad, well, power walked and ran. It was the first time I had run in too long, and my body paid the price for it, but I also felt something I had not felt in a very long time: energized. I took Christmas off, but this morning I set an alarm for 8:30, made a delicious smoothie and headed down to my parents' club house where I found a treadmill. I set a goal to do a half mile today because it had been so long since I really ran, and I did not want to hurt myself. After a solid warm up walk, I started to jog at a speed a little lower than what I was doing over the summer. My new shoes really helped me stay balanced on the treadmill, which was very nice. I have never really spoken about this before, but if you were to pay attention to my walk, you would notice that my feet point out pretty aggressively, which makes walking in thin spaces difficult for me. Treadmills have always been a bit complicated for me because of that. It makes skiing impossible because the back of my skis always hit each other. My ankles have always been very weak, and I am not sure if it related to how awkwardly I walk, but there is always pain there. However, my new shoes help tremendously with that. My feet are still not perfectly straight, but the shoes help me stay relatively straight.
Once I hit the half mile mark, I started to wind down with a cool down walk, but I realized that I felt pretty good, and instead of taking a cool down walk, I took a 1 minute, catch my breath walk, and started jogging again. I hit the 3/4 mile mark and was just about to wind down when Pandora hit me with Eminem's "Lose Yourself." I told myself I would jog until the song ended, and next thing I knew, I had crossed the one mile mark. My time is not important, it was much slower than my best speed over the summer, but it is a start. I got myself two out of three days of being physical again. I am planning on doing it all over again tomorrow, and hopefully for the rest of my break. My hope is to get myself back to a place where I am working out 5 to 6 days a week. I slipped in a major way the last four months, but after the two work outs this week, I feel so much better about myself. Teaching stimulates me in so many ways, but I get so busy that I forget to take care of myself and I need to get back to it. It is so much fun to be active, sweaty and out of breath. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing something positive for myself.
Next week I will be updating with a recap of how I did with my goals for 2013, but I wanted to get my goals down for 2014 now:
1. Be the best teacher possible. This is truly immeasurable, but I will have it on my list every year.
2. No more Fast Food at all. I have managed to cut out fast food burgers, but time to eliminate it or real.
3. Get better at preparing meals. This means lunch and dinner. Martina and I are going to get much better at food prep in the coming year.
4. Not stress so much about things completely out of my control.
5. Spend more time talking about things I like and ignoring things I do not like.
6. Finally feel comfortable running that 5K I have been talking about for a year.
7. Write a full novel.
8. Work out as much as my time and body will allow me. I am not going to put specifics on it, it really amounts to just being more physically active in the coming year!
9. Cook something completely new every month.
10. Enjoy the world more. I want to see and do more in 2014. I want to be a part of a more full life.
What started as a journey for physical and emotion health has morphed into something much bigger. Here you will find musings about my health journey, my teaching job, my re-entry into the world of academia, random thoughts about the world at large, books, movies, television, and ultimately my search for sustained happiness.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Inspiration is all around
I wish that I was posting something amazing about my physical health, but if I am being honest, teaching is absolutely kicking my butt. One of my best friends, who is also a teacher, said that teaching is like performing for 7 hours a day. It absolutely is. Every day leaves me just exhausted. It is an awesome experience, but generally speaking, when the day is over, I feel too tired to do much of anything, so my work out routine that I thought would fix itself, has just become more erratic. I have tried to do little things to help, such as parking far away from my classroom so I have to walk further, and I force myself to walk around campus to talk to people instead of always just e-mailing them, but it is certainly not the work out routine I desire. What it comes down to is defeating the exhaustion. I am getting enough sleep, and I am still eating healthy (although, I am not eating regularly enough), so I have not slipped back into these awful habits, but, at the moment, I am just sort of treading water. I am stuck on a total of 72 pounds lost in the last 17 months. Today I had planned to go to my gym and talk to a personal trainer about possibly getting personal training sessions to help me get out of this funk, but I am getting beat by an awful cold, and I stepped on something sharp last night that punctured my skin and my foot is in immense pain. I will try again later this week.
What I do want to talk about is all of this inspiration around me. Let me start with my students. Last weekend I read 130 essays about goals. My students had to pick four categories of their lives and write an essay about the goals they set for themselves in those areas. It is a wonderful assignment for them and for me because it gets them thinking about their lives and it allows me to see what they value. Many of them are working on their own physical health. Some are doing it for aesthetic reasons (teenagers lust after six packs), but are doing specifically to help them in their sports (one junior already has been accepted to a college with a swimming scholarship), and others are doing just to feel better about themselves. I have already mentioned that I told them all about my journey and many of them mentioned it in their essays. Multiple people included little asides rooting for me and encouraging me. Once football season is over the gym on campus is open 4 days a week after school, and many of my students want to get me in the gym and teach me the routines the coaches have set up for them. I think I am going to take them up on it, if only so they can see that I am actually trying. I even have a student to chastises me every day that I forget to bring my lunch, because they know that I am trying to eat better. One of the many beautiful things about teenagers is their willingness to point out when their teachers are not holding up their promises. It keeps me motivated and keeps me on my toes. I know I am going to get asked if I brought my lunch and I know the disapproving glances I will get if I forget.
I get to come home every day to a wonderful woman, this is not news to anyone, however, over the last two months, Martina has started to get incredibly serious about her own health and fitness. In July she did an insane squat challenge and stuck with it all through the month. She also started stocking our fridge with only healthy things. We have moved from regular milk to almond milk, and we snack on bananas and apples now. She makes wraps instead of sandwiches, and because of her, we are incorporating vegetables into all of our home cooked meals. All of that is awesome and impressive, but the thing that blows me away every single day is her dedication to the Insanity Workout. Every night when I get home from work, she is either in the middle of her work out or just getting ready to start it and every day she pushes herself to finish the most insane work outs. It is the most inspiring thing ever. When we get a bigger place next year, one of my goals is to be able to do Insanity with her. Watching her push through all of the pain and the difficult speeds of Insanity is awesome, but that is not even where it ends. Last weekend she participated in her first 5K, and even though she had not really done any running in the last few months, she completed the 5K jogging the entire time. I was so proud of her. I AM so proud of her.
It is a wonderful thing to enjoy coming home at night, and knowing that someone is there who inspires you to be your best on a daily basis. I luck out because I spend my day with roughly 200 students who inspire me in a variety of ways, and then I come home to a girl who also inspires me. To say that life is good would be an understatement. So, now is the time to take all of this beautiful inspiration around me and put it to use. it is time for me to get my act in gear and get back to the business of getting healthy. Thanks for all of the support dear readers. Keep doing big things!
What I do want to talk about is all of this inspiration around me. Let me start with my students. Last weekend I read 130 essays about goals. My students had to pick four categories of their lives and write an essay about the goals they set for themselves in those areas. It is a wonderful assignment for them and for me because it gets them thinking about their lives and it allows me to see what they value. Many of them are working on their own physical health. Some are doing it for aesthetic reasons (teenagers lust after six packs), but are doing specifically to help them in their sports (one junior already has been accepted to a college with a swimming scholarship), and others are doing just to feel better about themselves. I have already mentioned that I told them all about my journey and many of them mentioned it in their essays. Multiple people included little asides rooting for me and encouraging me. Once football season is over the gym on campus is open 4 days a week after school, and many of my students want to get me in the gym and teach me the routines the coaches have set up for them. I think I am going to take them up on it, if only so they can see that I am actually trying. I even have a student to chastises me every day that I forget to bring my lunch, because they know that I am trying to eat better. One of the many beautiful things about teenagers is their willingness to point out when their teachers are not holding up their promises. It keeps me motivated and keeps me on my toes. I know I am going to get asked if I brought my lunch and I know the disapproving glances I will get if I forget.
I get to come home every day to a wonderful woman, this is not news to anyone, however, over the last two months, Martina has started to get incredibly serious about her own health and fitness. In July she did an insane squat challenge and stuck with it all through the month. She also started stocking our fridge with only healthy things. We have moved from regular milk to almond milk, and we snack on bananas and apples now. She makes wraps instead of sandwiches, and because of her, we are incorporating vegetables into all of our home cooked meals. All of that is awesome and impressive, but the thing that blows me away every single day is her dedication to the Insanity Workout. Every night when I get home from work, she is either in the middle of her work out or just getting ready to start it and every day she pushes herself to finish the most insane work outs. It is the most inspiring thing ever. When we get a bigger place next year, one of my goals is to be able to do Insanity with her. Watching her push through all of the pain and the difficult speeds of Insanity is awesome, but that is not even where it ends. Last weekend she participated in her first 5K, and even though she had not really done any running in the last few months, she completed the 5K jogging the entire time. I was so proud of her. I AM so proud of her.
It is a wonderful thing to enjoy coming home at night, and knowing that someone is there who inspires you to be your best on a daily basis. I luck out because I spend my day with roughly 200 students who inspire me in a variety of ways, and then I come home to a girl who also inspires me. To say that life is good would be an understatement. So, now is the time to take all of this beautiful inspiration around me and put it to use. it is time for me to get my act in gear and get back to the business of getting healthy. Thanks for all of the support dear readers. Keep doing big things!
Monday, September 2, 2013
What do you represent?
The first few weeks of teaching have taken up pretty much all of my time, so I apologize for getting lax on updating my blog but I figure with actually getting a holiday off, today would be the perfect time for an update. The focus of this blog will be my mental and emotional happiness, with a little bit of the physical work peppered in there. I am going to try and get my physical activity elevated in the next few days, so hopefully I will have that update for you.
A week ago Friday I began a poetry unit for all of my Junior classes. It was a disaster. They did not like the rap song I played, they did not like the Mumford and Sons song I played and they were rejecting the very idea of a poetry unit during their junior year. The most common reason was that they already could point out metaphors and similes, which of course, they should be able to do at 16 years old. I told them all that what we were going to do was deeper. I was going to expose them to new types of poetry and hopefully get into what the poetry/songs are about. I was getting nothing positive and I went into last weekend pretty sure the upcoming week was going to be terrible. After briefly considering just dropping the entire thing, I decided I had to power on and most importantly, I had to rethink my tactics. A few years ago I had written a poem entitled "What do you Represent." It was my first true attempt at a slam poetry piece and I was pretty proud of it, but never had any intention of performing it. During my student teaching, I was told I needed to teach poetry and I had a really great relationship with my students, so I decided I would start off our poetry week by performing that piece and having it lead to a whole assignment for each students where they all had to write a poem about what they represented. It was a smashing success. I decided I would perform for my new students, even though I feel like my relationship with them is a bit unknown. Sadly, I seemed to have misplaced that original poem. I wrote a new one that had similar aspects to my original one, but it had a whole new attitude to it. It seemed to have veered into a more call to action ending.
Monday morning came and I performed it for all of my classes and the response was positive, but not overwhelming. From there I went into my poetry week using slam poetry videos, traditional printed poetry and the lyrics of songs from The Zac Brown band and Justin Timberlake. Being a new teacher, I need feedback from students when units end and I tell them that their grade will not depend on how much praise they give, I just want honest feedback. This honest feedback method could certainly go horribly wrong, and I was bracing myself, but much to my surprise, a majority of my students wrote that they felt energized by the unit and that they actually looked forward to coming to class to analyze what these poems/songs really meant. A good portion mentioned that they were not looking forward to a week of poetry, but that my energy, unorthodox teaching style, and desire to stretch what they thought should be categorized as poetry, turned them around. I do not write about this to toot my own horn, I admit that part of the problem with the way that I teach poetry, is that I make it a bit easy on the individual, and focus more on the whole group, but I write about this because it was something with which I really struggled, and came out of it feeling great. I completely changed my approach to something to fit my students, and it worked. I think more than anything, it showed my students that I am trying to figure out how to best teach them.
Friday afternoon, one of my students came into class and said that they needed help filling time for the rally that was only 2 hours away and she asked if I would perform my slam piece for the entire school. I said yes, but was really feeling unsure of myself. The entire piece is based around my love of rap music, and with the exception of my students, no one in this school would know that. Plus, this school is full of country music lovers and the students all drive trucks and love guns. We do not exactly have much in common, and I was thinking that my slam piece about feeling like an outsider for growing up loving hip-hop would not be well received here. With those reservations, I went out to center court in the gym, grabbed the microphone and waited for silence. Only 1/4 of the students at this school know who I am. That means there were roughly 550 students sitting there that had no clue who I was. I have performed in musicals where there were maybe 200 people who did not know me, and in a few of those musicals I have been in a dress, and had to do some pretty ridiculous things, but the things I was performing were not written by me.
For the last 4 years or so, I have made it a goal to perform a piece of my own poetry in public, and every year I fail to reach that goal. Knowing that those room would have had maybe 50 people in them still was too much for me to bear my soul. Here I was standing in a quiet gymnasium in front of 700+ teenagers, and 30+ teachers and administrators, getting ready to perform a poem entitled "What do you Represent." As I waited for quiet, one of my students shouted "You got this Hadley" and it led to the entire section of juniors to start cheering. I took a deep breath and just went for it. As I was performing my piece, I could hear cheering, and when I got to the part of the poem where I talk about how I represent people who are different, or are called weird, I had to stop because the entire student body broke into applause. It was a surreal moment for me.
When it was all over, the principal made a bee-line for me and in that moment, I thought to myself "uh oh, did I swear somewhere in the poem?" I did not, he just wanted to express appreciation for me throwing myself into the school in such a personal way. Again, I do not recount this as some sort of #humblebrag or even a not so humble brag, I recount this because it was a huge deal for me. I conquered this big obstacle in my life by giving this huge piece of myself to nearly 800 people. This is one of those moments where I was flying without a net. It could have easily turned bad in a hurry, but in my nervousness for performing my piece, I forgot one very important thing: Almost everyone can relate to being an outsider in some way. The poem is, of course, not about loving rap music at all, it is about being true to yourself and owning what makes you who you are.
The last 18 months have been all about finding myself. From the really harsh realities of why I allowed myself to get this obese, to the beauty of making a change, this journey has been all about trying to realize what I truly represent. I have been honest with my students about my journey to healthy living. We spent a week talking about goal setting and I told them a bit about what I am going through right now. I believe in being as honest with my students as possible. Some teachers look down upon that method of teaching, and my mentor teacher flat out told me to stop it when I was doing my student teaching, but I think it is important to let my students in a little bit. Since the day I told them that, I have had a few students come up and ask me how I got started, and how I dealt with all of the teasing I endured in middle school and high school. After my poetry performance, I had three students I had never seen before come into my class and thank me for representing the misfits. They were nothing like me in terms of why they were misfits, but misfits come in all shapes and sizes.
I think the most important question to ask yourself when you start to feel like other people are controlling your emotions, or when you start to feel like you are losing yourself is "What do you Represent?" I think once you really start to think about that, you will figure it out. I know it is working for me.
A week ago Friday I began a poetry unit for all of my Junior classes. It was a disaster. They did not like the rap song I played, they did not like the Mumford and Sons song I played and they were rejecting the very idea of a poetry unit during their junior year. The most common reason was that they already could point out metaphors and similes, which of course, they should be able to do at 16 years old. I told them all that what we were going to do was deeper. I was going to expose them to new types of poetry and hopefully get into what the poetry/songs are about. I was getting nothing positive and I went into last weekend pretty sure the upcoming week was going to be terrible. After briefly considering just dropping the entire thing, I decided I had to power on and most importantly, I had to rethink my tactics. A few years ago I had written a poem entitled "What do you Represent." It was my first true attempt at a slam poetry piece and I was pretty proud of it, but never had any intention of performing it. During my student teaching, I was told I needed to teach poetry and I had a really great relationship with my students, so I decided I would start off our poetry week by performing that piece and having it lead to a whole assignment for each students where they all had to write a poem about what they represented. It was a smashing success. I decided I would perform for my new students, even though I feel like my relationship with them is a bit unknown. Sadly, I seemed to have misplaced that original poem. I wrote a new one that had similar aspects to my original one, but it had a whole new attitude to it. It seemed to have veered into a more call to action ending.
Monday morning came and I performed it for all of my classes and the response was positive, but not overwhelming. From there I went into my poetry week using slam poetry videos, traditional printed poetry and the lyrics of songs from The Zac Brown band and Justin Timberlake. Being a new teacher, I need feedback from students when units end and I tell them that their grade will not depend on how much praise they give, I just want honest feedback. This honest feedback method could certainly go horribly wrong, and I was bracing myself, but much to my surprise, a majority of my students wrote that they felt energized by the unit and that they actually looked forward to coming to class to analyze what these poems/songs really meant. A good portion mentioned that they were not looking forward to a week of poetry, but that my energy, unorthodox teaching style, and desire to stretch what they thought should be categorized as poetry, turned them around. I do not write about this to toot my own horn, I admit that part of the problem with the way that I teach poetry, is that I make it a bit easy on the individual, and focus more on the whole group, but I write about this because it was something with which I really struggled, and came out of it feeling great. I completely changed my approach to something to fit my students, and it worked. I think more than anything, it showed my students that I am trying to figure out how to best teach them.
Friday afternoon, one of my students came into class and said that they needed help filling time for the rally that was only 2 hours away and she asked if I would perform my slam piece for the entire school. I said yes, but was really feeling unsure of myself. The entire piece is based around my love of rap music, and with the exception of my students, no one in this school would know that. Plus, this school is full of country music lovers and the students all drive trucks and love guns. We do not exactly have much in common, and I was thinking that my slam piece about feeling like an outsider for growing up loving hip-hop would not be well received here. With those reservations, I went out to center court in the gym, grabbed the microphone and waited for silence. Only 1/4 of the students at this school know who I am. That means there were roughly 550 students sitting there that had no clue who I was. I have performed in musicals where there were maybe 200 people who did not know me, and in a few of those musicals I have been in a dress, and had to do some pretty ridiculous things, but the things I was performing were not written by me.
For the last 4 years or so, I have made it a goal to perform a piece of my own poetry in public, and every year I fail to reach that goal. Knowing that those room would have had maybe 50 people in them still was too much for me to bear my soul. Here I was standing in a quiet gymnasium in front of 700+ teenagers, and 30+ teachers and administrators, getting ready to perform a poem entitled "What do you Represent." As I waited for quiet, one of my students shouted "You got this Hadley" and it led to the entire section of juniors to start cheering. I took a deep breath and just went for it. As I was performing my piece, I could hear cheering, and when I got to the part of the poem where I talk about how I represent people who are different, or are called weird, I had to stop because the entire student body broke into applause. It was a surreal moment for me.
When it was all over, the principal made a bee-line for me and in that moment, I thought to myself "uh oh, did I swear somewhere in the poem?" I did not, he just wanted to express appreciation for me throwing myself into the school in such a personal way. Again, I do not recount this as some sort of #humblebrag or even a not so humble brag, I recount this because it was a huge deal for me. I conquered this big obstacle in my life by giving this huge piece of myself to nearly 800 people. This is one of those moments where I was flying without a net. It could have easily turned bad in a hurry, but in my nervousness for performing my piece, I forgot one very important thing: Almost everyone can relate to being an outsider in some way. The poem is, of course, not about loving rap music at all, it is about being true to yourself and owning what makes you who you are.
The last 18 months have been all about finding myself. From the really harsh realities of why I allowed myself to get this obese, to the beauty of making a change, this journey has been all about trying to realize what I truly represent. I have been honest with my students about my journey to healthy living. We spent a week talking about goal setting and I told them a bit about what I am going through right now. I believe in being as honest with my students as possible. Some teachers look down upon that method of teaching, and my mentor teacher flat out told me to stop it when I was doing my student teaching, but I think it is important to let my students in a little bit. Since the day I told them that, I have had a few students come up and ask me how I got started, and how I dealt with all of the teasing I endured in middle school and high school. After my poetry performance, I had three students I had never seen before come into my class and thank me for representing the misfits. They were nothing like me in terms of why they were misfits, but misfits come in all shapes and sizes.
I think the most important question to ask yourself when you start to feel like other people are controlling your emotions, or when you start to feel like you are losing yourself is "What do you Represent?" I think once you really start to think about that, you will figure it out. I know it is working for me.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
A massive sigh of relief
As everyone on my Facebook now knows, I am a fully employed English Teacher. The goal I had set for myself when I went back to college 6 years ago has finally been achieved. The last six years have been a crazy time for me, but here I sit with the biggest sense of relief, followed by an unfamiliar sense of panic. I achieved this huge massive goal, but NOW WHAT?? I am supposed to teach now? I am supposed to look at 200 students throughout my day and impart them with the passion, joy and wonder that is the English language? Holy crap! What have I gotten myself into? Still, for the last year plus, I have been saying "If I could just get a teaching job..." and now I have one! I thought I had a long term sub position in January, but that fell through. I very nearly had a teaching job in Santa Cruz at the beginning of July, but that fell through. I was beginning to doubt if this was going to be a reality and I set up a plan B. It was a solid plan B and I could have still been very happy with it, but with summer winding down, I got a call from a school I interviewed at in early June. The position I interviewed for had been filled, but they had a last minute retirement, and instead of interviewing all new candidates they called their second choices for the first job. I was one of those second choices, and the principal went with me because I did not hesitate when they asked about being yearbook adviser. He said he was not sure they were even going to assign the new teacher to it, but he knew he wanted the teacher who was willing to do what he had to do to be a teacher at his school. In my two days on campus, I feel like it is a good fit for me. I am incredibly excited to begin the next chapter of my life, but before I do, I love to reflect and now I will do that.
I want to focus on my life roughly four years ago. Four years ago I did not have a job, I had not yet been accepted into the credential program and I was a 29 year old man living with his parents. I quickly sunk into the biggest depression of my life. Nothing was good, nothing was working. I was completely lost.I was barely making ends meet and I was now heartbroken. It began the absolute worst summer of my life. I did not sleep at all, I was eating all of the time, or not eating at all. Most days I could not even fathom why someone would get out bed for any reason other than to eat or use the bathroom. I was pretty sure that is where I was going to be forever. Once I was accepted to the credential program, I considered dropping it before it began because I was in no shape to be teaching young people. I was days away from quitting everything in my life, packing up and moving to Utah to start over, or drown in a sea of Mormons.
Nothing big happened to change my mind. There was no big epiphany. I find that life does not happen that way. This is not a movie where one monumental event shifts everything. I just woke up one day and thought about how rewarding it would be to be a teacher. I just kept getting up in the morning and trying to find a way through the fog. The teacher credential program started and I quickly fell in love with all of my future teacher friends. I slowly started moving out of this depression and in doing so, I found an awesome girl, and awesome friends. I was finally moving in the right direction! The credential program came with serious ups and downs and there was a time when I was sure I was not going to make it though. I found myself slipping again. I was agitated, lifeless, and stressed out beyond belief. Trying to do a show that was in Tech week during the week PACT was due turned out to be the stupidest thing I could do, but I still had my awesome girlfriend, and my awesome teacher friends. Somehow we found our way through PACT and through the program.
Last summer had arrived and with it, the job hunt. Except I had a problem, I had failed a course at Sac State. I had too many absences and even though I had done all of the work and watched the lectures on-line and did the assignments on-line, because I was enrolled in the in class version of the class, the teacher failed me and was not going to listen to anything. I could not get a teaching job because I was still a class away from my damn credential. I let it get me down for a while, but eventually I knew I had to man up and retake the class. I took it on-line, got an A and by December of 2012, I was a credentialed teacher. I lost the long term sub job in January, but I had a job at Regal and while it was not stellar, it gave me purpose. I got a promotion in May and this summer I had 9 interviews for teaching jobs.
Now, I have a job. When I think about all of the ups and downs of the last few years, all I can think about is how many times I wanted to just give up. I could have easily given up. I can always work at a movie theater. Between my own depression, my lack of confidence and the stupid things that kept me from getting where I wanted to be in the time frame in which it was supposed to happen, I could have quit. Giving up would have been such an easy way to move on in my life, but I did not quit. I found a way to stick it out and BAM, I have my own classroom. 6 years in the making, I achieved this goal. I did not quit when it got tough, when I felt stupid, or when I felt like it was just not meant to be, I just kept plugging away and it eventually worked out. Now, I am not saying it worked out because it was supposed to, or because I wanted it so bad, no. It worked out because I kept working at it. I never let myself stay down. This was not about willing myself to a job, it was about continuing to work my way through all of the mud.
Over the last year plus, I have had various starts and stops in my health, but the one thing I have not stopped doing, is trying. I have realized that there is so much to be said in just trying. When I think about the last four years and where I was and where I am now, I know I would not be in this great place if I did not just keep trying. 4 years ago I was on the verge of giving up on everything in my life, I could not get out of bed and now here I am absolutely LOVING my life. I could imagine being in any better of a place than I am now. In grand scheme of life 4 years is not that long to find your way through the muck of life. I did it. I am moving in the direction every day that I keep trying to move in the right direction. It really is that simple. All you have to do is keep trying and eventually you will see more victories than losses. I am a very blessed man right now because I started to realize I deserved it and worked to get it!
I want to focus on my life roughly four years ago. Four years ago I did not have a job, I had not yet been accepted into the credential program and I was a 29 year old man living with his parents. I quickly sunk into the biggest depression of my life. Nothing was good, nothing was working. I was completely lost.I was barely making ends meet and I was now heartbroken. It began the absolute worst summer of my life. I did not sleep at all, I was eating all of the time, or not eating at all. Most days I could not even fathom why someone would get out bed for any reason other than to eat or use the bathroom. I was pretty sure that is where I was going to be forever. Once I was accepted to the credential program, I considered dropping it before it began because I was in no shape to be teaching young people. I was days away from quitting everything in my life, packing up and moving to Utah to start over, or drown in a sea of Mormons.
Nothing big happened to change my mind. There was no big epiphany. I find that life does not happen that way. This is not a movie where one monumental event shifts everything. I just woke up one day and thought about how rewarding it would be to be a teacher. I just kept getting up in the morning and trying to find a way through the fog. The teacher credential program started and I quickly fell in love with all of my future teacher friends. I slowly started moving out of this depression and in doing so, I found an awesome girl, and awesome friends. I was finally moving in the right direction! The credential program came with serious ups and downs and there was a time when I was sure I was not going to make it though. I found myself slipping again. I was agitated, lifeless, and stressed out beyond belief. Trying to do a show that was in Tech week during the week PACT was due turned out to be the stupidest thing I could do, but I still had my awesome girlfriend, and my awesome teacher friends. Somehow we found our way through PACT and through the program.
Last summer had arrived and with it, the job hunt. Except I had a problem, I had failed a course at Sac State. I had too many absences and even though I had done all of the work and watched the lectures on-line and did the assignments on-line, because I was enrolled in the in class version of the class, the teacher failed me and was not going to listen to anything. I could not get a teaching job because I was still a class away from my damn credential. I let it get me down for a while, but eventually I knew I had to man up and retake the class. I took it on-line, got an A and by December of 2012, I was a credentialed teacher. I lost the long term sub job in January, but I had a job at Regal and while it was not stellar, it gave me purpose. I got a promotion in May and this summer I had 9 interviews for teaching jobs.
Now, I have a job. When I think about all of the ups and downs of the last few years, all I can think about is how many times I wanted to just give up. I could have easily given up. I can always work at a movie theater. Between my own depression, my lack of confidence and the stupid things that kept me from getting where I wanted to be in the time frame in which it was supposed to happen, I could have quit. Giving up would have been such an easy way to move on in my life, but I did not quit. I found a way to stick it out and BAM, I have my own classroom. 6 years in the making, I achieved this goal. I did not quit when it got tough, when I felt stupid, or when I felt like it was just not meant to be, I just kept plugging away and it eventually worked out. Now, I am not saying it worked out because it was supposed to, or because I wanted it so bad, no. It worked out because I kept working at it. I never let myself stay down. This was not about willing myself to a job, it was about continuing to work my way through all of the mud.
Over the last year plus, I have had various starts and stops in my health, but the one thing I have not stopped doing, is trying. I have realized that there is so much to be said in just trying. When I think about the last four years and where I was and where I am now, I know I would not be in this great place if I did not just keep trying. 4 years ago I was on the verge of giving up on everything in my life, I could not get out of bed and now here I am absolutely LOVING my life. I could imagine being in any better of a place than I am now. In grand scheme of life 4 years is not that long to find your way through the muck of life. I did it. I am moving in the direction every day that I keep trying to move in the right direction. It really is that simple. All you have to do is keep trying and eventually you will see more victories than losses. I am a very blessed man right now because I started to realize I deserved it and worked to get it!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Confronting the gym issue head on
I have discussed my problems with gyms in the past. I am terrified of them. I feel lost, confused, and judged. I can workout in the gym at my apartment complex because it is rarely populated. For years I was a member of a gym in Woodland and I never went regularly. I just get so self conscious in a gym. However, the gym equipment at my current apartment complex is terrible. The treadmill feels like it is going to collapse under the weight of my obesity if I try to run. The two bikes are nowhere near the level of my last apartment complex. It has made working out more of a challenge than something I want to do. The last few days I have been going back to walking out in the world, as we have a bike trail across the street from our house. I love being out in the world, but my body does not. It is really tough on my knees, ankles, and feet. I have certainly been feeling the pain the last few days, and I have not been feeling knee pain after the treadmill. Martina has been killing it in a variety of ways in her health journey and since it appears we are truly aligned in our quest, we decided to give a gym a shot.
Last night we stopped by California Family Fitness because it is roughly five minutes from our house and Martina also has one right near her work, so it would make sense. We were given a tour by a relatively new employee, who was energetic, charming in a nerdy way, and put a very good face on this giant box store looking gym. We did show up at the busiest time of year, which I actually liked. It gave us a good idea of how huge the place was because there was still plenty of open equipment even with the parking lot completely full. The gym is two stories and is gigantic. They have a pool, a lap pool, and an indoor pool. They have a sauna and steam room and the most impressive locker rooms I have ever seen in a gym. It was incredibly difficult not to be impressed. We were offered a two week free trial and the monthly fee for a couple is less than I was expecting, so the odds are we will be sticking with it, but that could change if we end up not liking it.
Today I did my inaugural workout and after one day, I can tell this is a place I am going to want to frequent. The bike was very comfortable for my wide body and never felt shaky. The bike also had better pre-programmed workouts. This was very nice because I found one that was challenging, but not impossible to keep up and it meant I never had to mess with the levels or the speed and could just focus on keeping my legs moving. I Found that when I did not have to focus on the other things, I almost never looked at my time or my distance, just enjoyed the time I had to myself on this bike. The time flew by and I felt energized and exhausted when it was over. From there I jumped on a treadmill and did a mile of walking and a mile of walking/jogging. Then I jumped into the last 15 minutes of a step aerobics class. I did not love the class, but loved the energy of the class. I can see myself enjoying getting involved in classes. My next step will be a Zumba class. They also have this group training session that is similar to CrossFit that I will most definitely be checking out once we are paying. Plus, basketball and all sorts of cool stuff. Once we get going and once I have full time work, I will probably start working with a personal trainer and seeing their nutrition experts as well. I want to do it all!!
I will tell you why: I never once felt judged. Even at 9:30 am, this place was pretty busy and never once did it feel like anyone was looking at anyone else with judgement. The gym had people of all shapes and sizes and all levels of fitness and everyone was friendly. Multiple employees asked me how it was going, and asked if I needed anything and one trainer actually pulled a woman aside and gave her a few minutes of free training on one of the machines. it felt like a really great place to be. I know that this is ultimately a big box gym that talks about profit margins all of the time in meetings and it is run like a big box store, but with more warmth. Yet, it felt really comfortable for me and I have never said that in a big gym before. My favorite thing about CrossFit was how welcoming that gym was to us, and I felt welcomed to this giant gym this morning. It is a place I have no trouble seeing myself going to every day and that is the biggest hurdle for me.
It appears that after a rough few months, I am finding myself again. There is a rhythm to how I am feeling and it is wonderful. I am back to getting out of bed at a reasonable time, and eating regular meals and cooking more. I was excited to go to the gym this morning instead of forcing myself to go. My general attitude is back to where it was in April and May. I can feel myself starting to remember why I began this journey in the first place. I am shaking off the cobwebs of apathy, and caring again. Let's do this thing!
Last night we stopped by California Family Fitness because it is roughly five minutes from our house and Martina also has one right near her work, so it would make sense. We were given a tour by a relatively new employee, who was energetic, charming in a nerdy way, and put a very good face on this giant box store looking gym. We did show up at the busiest time of year, which I actually liked. It gave us a good idea of how huge the place was because there was still plenty of open equipment even with the parking lot completely full. The gym is two stories and is gigantic. They have a pool, a lap pool, and an indoor pool. They have a sauna and steam room and the most impressive locker rooms I have ever seen in a gym. It was incredibly difficult not to be impressed. We were offered a two week free trial and the monthly fee for a couple is less than I was expecting, so the odds are we will be sticking with it, but that could change if we end up not liking it.
Today I did my inaugural workout and after one day, I can tell this is a place I am going to want to frequent. The bike was very comfortable for my wide body and never felt shaky. The bike also had better pre-programmed workouts. This was very nice because I found one that was challenging, but not impossible to keep up and it meant I never had to mess with the levels or the speed and could just focus on keeping my legs moving. I Found that when I did not have to focus on the other things, I almost never looked at my time or my distance, just enjoyed the time I had to myself on this bike. The time flew by and I felt energized and exhausted when it was over. From there I jumped on a treadmill and did a mile of walking and a mile of walking/jogging. Then I jumped into the last 15 minutes of a step aerobics class. I did not love the class, but loved the energy of the class. I can see myself enjoying getting involved in classes. My next step will be a Zumba class. They also have this group training session that is similar to CrossFit that I will most definitely be checking out once we are paying. Plus, basketball and all sorts of cool stuff. Once we get going and once I have full time work, I will probably start working with a personal trainer and seeing their nutrition experts as well. I want to do it all!!
I will tell you why: I never once felt judged. Even at 9:30 am, this place was pretty busy and never once did it feel like anyone was looking at anyone else with judgement. The gym had people of all shapes and sizes and all levels of fitness and everyone was friendly. Multiple employees asked me how it was going, and asked if I needed anything and one trainer actually pulled a woman aside and gave her a few minutes of free training on one of the machines. it felt like a really great place to be. I know that this is ultimately a big box gym that talks about profit margins all of the time in meetings and it is run like a big box store, but with more warmth. Yet, it felt really comfortable for me and I have never said that in a big gym before. My favorite thing about CrossFit was how welcoming that gym was to us, and I felt welcomed to this giant gym this morning. It is a place I have no trouble seeing myself going to every day and that is the biggest hurdle for me.
It appears that after a rough few months, I am finding myself again. There is a rhythm to how I am feeling and it is wonderful. I am back to getting out of bed at a reasonable time, and eating regular meals and cooking more. I was excited to go to the gym this morning instead of forcing myself to go. My general attitude is back to where it was in April and May. I can feel myself starting to remember why I began this journey in the first place. I am shaking off the cobwebs of apathy, and caring again. Let's do this thing!
Friday, August 2, 2013
The inspiration of others
This summer, as I have documented, has not been terribly kind to my physical health, yet, here I sit a few pounds down from May. Even though it has been a bit of a roller coaster (for lack of a more original metaphor)I am still slowly moving forward. Two nights ago Martina showed me this slideshow of a girl who had lost over 100 pounds in four years. Towards the end of the slideshow there was a quote and I am going to paraphrase it because I do not have it in front of me. It was about how your physical health is a marathon not a sprint. It is no the first time I have seen this sentiment expressed, but at the end of a slideshow that showed a woman over the span of four years, it really hit me, that no matter how slowly I am losing weight, I am still losing it! The only place I really see people my size losing weight is on the Biggest Loser and I know how ridiculous that speed of weight loss is and I know that those people are in a unique situation where losing weight becomes their entire existence. That is not the reality of my life. The reality is that I need to keep chugging away slowly. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in my first year and I knew the second year would be tougher, so the idea is to just keep moving forward at whatever pace I can. I understand I will have some seriously great weeks and some not so great weeks. The wonderful thing about figuring out the rest of my life, the mental and emotional health that I worked so hard on last year, is that now when I have those bad days, I do not beat myself up. I have learned to accept who I am and who I want to be.
I want take a moment to talk about a few people who have inspired me over the last few weeks. I am sure it would not be difficult to guess who they are, but I want to talk about them anyway. First up is my awesome girlfriend. A few days after July started Martina found a month long squat challenge and instead of just starting it a few days late, she decided to catch up by doing 2 days worth of squats every day until she caught up. Every single day she would do her squats. On Wednesday she finished the entire challenge! She did 5000 squats during the month AND she bought us a bunch of healthy food, has cooked more for herself and for me and is really getting after it in terms of her own health. It is such an awesome thing to see. it is totally motivating. Last night we went on a longish walk in our new area for the first time and I am hoping it is something we can keep up when I am actually home at night. having healthier food around is always great and it is wonderful that we are now sharing in this adventure and hopefully pushing each other along. She totally killed that squat challenge, and has been eating so well that it is impossible to feel inspired by her. The list of reasons why she rocks is pretty much endless, but now that she has her mind set on a new healthy way of living, I know she is going to rock even harder because she is so strong and gives me strength. It is going to make the tough days a lot easier knowing she is going to pump me up by leading by example.
The next person is my best friend, Erik. Most of the people who read this blog are probably friends with him and know about his amazing journey. I would link to his blog, but he has yet to set one up for unknown reasons. Erik is down over 60 pounds in the last, I want to say two years. He is eating healthy, working out all of the time and is generally happier than I have ever seen him. That is all well and good, but it is his commitment that inspires me. He has already lost enough weight to make his own life way easier. he walks so much more upright, and moves much more quickly now. His breathing has been helped tremendously, I am not even sure he realizes that. Fighting through his Muscular Dystrophy, Erik has craved out such a better life for himself, but he is not content to stop there. he has set these awesome goals and he is meeting every single one of them by never wavering on his commitment. Every time we see each other I am inspired to get moving even harder and to set tough goals for myself and continue to work until I get them. Right now he has challenged himself to walk 10 miles a week. I remember like five years ago when we went to Disneyland, walking all day in that park was really hard on both of us, but I bet if we were to do that again, he would just be flying through the park. I have decided I am going to join him on his quest. I am going to walk 10 miles a week for a few weeks and then I am going to bump it up to 15 miles a week.
People are kind of awesome. I have not always felt this way. In fact, for a good majority of my life I have felt pretty much the opposite. yet, when I look around my life, I see awesomeness everywhere. I have a friend who knew exactly what she wanted to do at 12 years old, never wavered and this week she took the BAR exam. She is the single most driven awesome person I know and it is inspiring. My long lost best friend Jessica has been working her ass off in New York and on Cruise ships and everywhere else she can to work as a professional actress and she has these amazing stories, and pictures and vlogs from the last few years and all I can think about is how hard I have seen her work in her life and how amazing it is to see it paying off for her. Every where I look I am inspired by the people around me. it is time to start paying some of that back to the world. I have been in some pretty negative space a lot this summer, but I have been coming out of it over the last few weeks and I can feel myself starting to get back to where I was when 2013 started. I can see the beauty of life surrounding me and I owe a lot of it to my friends and my family and everyone who is doing something they love.
Keep rocking good readers. You can never really know who is watching you and rooting for you and who you may inspire or what may inspire someone. I never expected myself to be this person, but there is beauty and inspiration everywhere! We just have to be open to seeing it. Seriously, did I just say that? Hell with it, I am going to roll with this new positive cheery persona. Be awesome my friends, because there is a good chance you inspire me!
I want take a moment to talk about a few people who have inspired me over the last few weeks. I am sure it would not be difficult to guess who they are, but I want to talk about them anyway. First up is my awesome girlfriend. A few days after July started Martina found a month long squat challenge and instead of just starting it a few days late, she decided to catch up by doing 2 days worth of squats every day until she caught up. Every single day she would do her squats. On Wednesday she finished the entire challenge! She did 5000 squats during the month AND she bought us a bunch of healthy food, has cooked more for herself and for me and is really getting after it in terms of her own health. It is such an awesome thing to see. it is totally motivating. Last night we went on a longish walk in our new area for the first time and I am hoping it is something we can keep up when I am actually home at night. having healthier food around is always great and it is wonderful that we are now sharing in this adventure and hopefully pushing each other along. She totally killed that squat challenge, and has been eating so well that it is impossible to feel inspired by her. The list of reasons why she rocks is pretty much endless, but now that she has her mind set on a new healthy way of living, I know she is going to rock even harder because she is so strong and gives me strength. It is going to make the tough days a lot easier knowing she is going to pump me up by leading by example.
The next person is my best friend, Erik. Most of the people who read this blog are probably friends with him and know about his amazing journey. I would link to his blog, but he has yet to set one up for unknown reasons. Erik is down over 60 pounds in the last, I want to say two years. He is eating healthy, working out all of the time and is generally happier than I have ever seen him. That is all well and good, but it is his commitment that inspires me. He has already lost enough weight to make his own life way easier. he walks so much more upright, and moves much more quickly now. His breathing has been helped tremendously, I am not even sure he realizes that. Fighting through his Muscular Dystrophy, Erik has craved out such a better life for himself, but he is not content to stop there. he has set these awesome goals and he is meeting every single one of them by never wavering on his commitment. Every time we see each other I am inspired to get moving even harder and to set tough goals for myself and continue to work until I get them. Right now he has challenged himself to walk 10 miles a week. I remember like five years ago when we went to Disneyland, walking all day in that park was really hard on both of us, but I bet if we were to do that again, he would just be flying through the park. I have decided I am going to join him on his quest. I am going to walk 10 miles a week for a few weeks and then I am going to bump it up to 15 miles a week.
People are kind of awesome. I have not always felt this way. In fact, for a good majority of my life I have felt pretty much the opposite. yet, when I look around my life, I see awesomeness everywhere. I have a friend who knew exactly what she wanted to do at 12 years old, never wavered and this week she took the BAR exam. She is the single most driven awesome person I know and it is inspiring. My long lost best friend Jessica has been working her ass off in New York and on Cruise ships and everywhere else she can to work as a professional actress and she has these amazing stories, and pictures and vlogs from the last few years and all I can think about is how hard I have seen her work in her life and how amazing it is to see it paying off for her. Every where I look I am inspired by the people around me. it is time to start paying some of that back to the world. I have been in some pretty negative space a lot this summer, but I have been coming out of it over the last few weeks and I can feel myself starting to get back to where I was when 2013 started. I can see the beauty of life surrounding me and I owe a lot of it to my friends and my family and everyone who is doing something they love.
Keep rocking good readers. You can never really know who is watching you and rooting for you and who you may inspire or what may inspire someone. I never expected myself to be this person, but there is beauty and inspiration everywhere! We just have to be open to seeing it. Seriously, did I just say that? Hell with it, I am going to roll with this new positive cheery persona. Be awesome my friends, because there is a good chance you inspire me!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
First we show up, then we see what happens.
After a very rough weekend, I was not exactly sure how I was going to pull myself from my bed on Monday morning. I knew that I had to, but I was not sure how it would work. Sunday night I was at work until nearly 3 in the morning and sleep did not come for me until well after 4 in the morning. At some point during the night at work, or right when I got home, I managed to turn my alarm on. It was set for 9:30 in the morning. When it went off, I was shocked! Why would I set an alarm for a Monday morning after working until nearly 3?? It was criminal negligence on the part of my sleepy body. In my house, it is tough to get back to sleep once you are awake. Our new kitten, Daisy, can sense when you are awake and she cuddles, and your full attention. Once I was up, there was nothing I could do.
I did not ant to go to the gym. I was sad, frustrated, and very tired. I was also hungry with not much in the way of breakfast food going on. A hungry Kyle is a cranky Kyle, just ask Martina, she can verify that. Yet, against all odds, I found myself at the gym. It was not a great work out. I could not get a good jogging pace, and I was 100% in my head, and not in a motivating good way. My mile time was slower than it had been in weeks. I could not get a good rhythm going on the bike either. Nothing was going well. There was no BEAST MODE to be found. I finished my work out after roughly 45 minutes and I was incredibly frustrated. This summer has been so full of starts and stops and I just cannot seem to get my routine back the way I had it in the spring.
Then something dawned on me: I went to the gym and worked out for 45 minutes. How could I possibly be upset about that? It is impossible to work out if you do not GO work out. I cannot lose weight and be healthy if I am not trying. Monday, I tried. Did I have a great day, no, but who cares, I at least, got off my ass and went down the gym and tried. There are days when just showing up and trying are enough. During my student teaching, I was given this amazing class of seniors. I have written about them before, but one of the things I tried to impart to them was this idea of just trying. Often times they would get so concerned with making things perfect, or knowing every single detail about an assignment and I would have to tell them that all I wanted was for them to try this new thing, or try this thing they were not immediately good at. You never know what will happen until you try. Until 18 months ago, I am not sure I could have worked out for 45 minutes straight and now I was upset because my 45 minute work out wasn't good enough? This is such a perfect example of me being too hard on myself.
Some times just showing up is half the battle. For me, every time I go to the gym, I have won something. Every time I try to eat better, I have won something. Showing up in underestimated. Some times, the best thing you can do is just show up and then see what happens from there. I cannot get in a show if I do not show up to auditions. I cannot get a job if I do not show up for the interview. I have limited control over what happens from there. I might have the best audition of my life and not get the role, or I might have an off night and still get a call back. I cannot control that, but I can control showing up. It is time I stop being so hard on myself if my progress is not happening at the rate I want it to. It is time to remind myself that there are days when just showing up and seeing what happens is good enough.
If you are not trying, nothing is ever going to change. If I do not try and eat better, I will, without question, eat fast food all of the time. I have to try to change. I do not get it right every time, but at least I am trying. I am trying to do better in all the areas where I think I can do better. But, none of that matters if, at first, I do not show up. So, that is why "First we show up, then we see what happens" is my new mantra. Nothing can happen if we do not show up. I encourage anyone reading this blog to show up and try to do something hard, or that you think maybe you cannot do because once you show up, you will be amazed at what you can eventually do.
I did not ant to go to the gym. I was sad, frustrated, and very tired. I was also hungry with not much in the way of breakfast food going on. A hungry Kyle is a cranky Kyle, just ask Martina, she can verify that. Yet, against all odds, I found myself at the gym. It was not a great work out. I could not get a good jogging pace, and I was 100% in my head, and not in a motivating good way. My mile time was slower than it had been in weeks. I could not get a good rhythm going on the bike either. Nothing was going well. There was no BEAST MODE to be found. I finished my work out after roughly 45 minutes and I was incredibly frustrated. This summer has been so full of starts and stops and I just cannot seem to get my routine back the way I had it in the spring.
Then something dawned on me: I went to the gym and worked out for 45 minutes. How could I possibly be upset about that? It is impossible to work out if you do not GO work out. I cannot lose weight and be healthy if I am not trying. Monday, I tried. Did I have a great day, no, but who cares, I at least, got off my ass and went down the gym and tried. There are days when just showing up and trying are enough. During my student teaching, I was given this amazing class of seniors. I have written about them before, but one of the things I tried to impart to them was this idea of just trying. Often times they would get so concerned with making things perfect, or knowing every single detail about an assignment and I would have to tell them that all I wanted was for them to try this new thing, or try this thing they were not immediately good at. You never know what will happen until you try. Until 18 months ago, I am not sure I could have worked out for 45 minutes straight and now I was upset because my 45 minute work out wasn't good enough? This is such a perfect example of me being too hard on myself.
Some times just showing up is half the battle. For me, every time I go to the gym, I have won something. Every time I try to eat better, I have won something. Showing up in underestimated. Some times, the best thing you can do is just show up and then see what happens from there. I cannot get in a show if I do not show up to auditions. I cannot get a job if I do not show up for the interview. I have limited control over what happens from there. I might have the best audition of my life and not get the role, or I might have an off night and still get a call back. I cannot control that, but I can control showing up. It is time I stop being so hard on myself if my progress is not happening at the rate I want it to. It is time to remind myself that there are days when just showing up and seeing what happens is good enough.
If you are not trying, nothing is ever going to change. If I do not try and eat better, I will, without question, eat fast food all of the time. I have to try to change. I do not get it right every time, but at least I am trying. I am trying to do better in all the areas where I think I can do better. But, none of that matters if, at first, I do not show up. So, that is why "First we show up, then we see what happens" is my new mantra. Nothing can happen if we do not show up. I encourage anyone reading this blog to show up and try to do something hard, or that you think maybe you cannot do because once you show up, you will be amazed at what you can eventually do.
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