A massive sigh of relief

As everyone on my Facebook now knows, I am a fully employed English Teacher. The goal I had set for myself when I went back to college 6 years ago has finally been achieved. The last six years have been a crazy time for me, but here I sit with the biggest sense of relief, followed by an unfamiliar sense of panic. I achieved this huge massive goal, but NOW WHAT?? I am supposed to teach now? I am supposed to look at 200 students throughout my day and impart them with the passion, joy and wonder that is the English language? Holy crap! What have I gotten myself into? Still, for the last year plus, I have been saying "If I could just get a teaching job..." and now I have one! I thought I had a long term sub position in January, but that fell through. I very nearly had a teaching job in Santa Cruz at the beginning of July, but that fell through. I was beginning to doubt if this was going to be a reality and I set up a plan B. It was a solid plan B and I could have still been very happy with it, but with summer winding down, I got a call from a school I interviewed at in early June. The position I interviewed for had been filled, but they had a last minute retirement, and instead of interviewing all new candidates they called their second choices for the first job. I was one of those second choices, and the principal went with me because I did not hesitate when they asked about being yearbook adviser. He said he was not sure they were even going to assign the new teacher to it, but he knew he wanted the teacher who was willing to do what he had to do to be a teacher at his school. In my two days on campus, I feel like it is a good fit for me. I am incredibly excited to begin the next chapter of my life, but before I do, I love to reflect and now I will do that.

I want to focus on my life roughly four years ago. Four years ago I did not have a job, I had not yet been accepted into the credential program and I was a 29 year old man living with his parents. I quickly sunk into the biggest depression of my life. Nothing was good, nothing was working. I was completely lost.I was barely making ends meet and I was now heartbroken. It began the absolute worst summer of my life. I did not sleep at all, I was eating all of the time, or not eating at all. Most days I could not even fathom why someone would get out bed for any reason other than to eat or use the bathroom. I was pretty sure that is where I was going to be forever. Once I was accepted to the credential program, I considered dropping it before it began because I was in no shape to be teaching young people. I was days away from quitting everything in my life, packing up and moving to Utah to start over, or drown in a sea of Mormons.

Nothing big happened to change my mind. There was no big epiphany. I find that life does not happen that way. This is not a movie where one monumental event shifts everything. I just woke up one day and thought about how rewarding it would be to be a teacher. I just kept getting up in the morning and trying to find a way through the fog. The teacher credential program started and I quickly fell in love with all of my future teacher friends. I slowly started moving out of this depression and in doing so, I found an awesome girl, and awesome friends. I was finally moving in the right direction! The credential program came with serious ups and downs and there was a time when I was sure I was not going to make it though. I found myself slipping again. I was agitated, lifeless, and stressed out beyond belief. Trying to do a show that was in Tech week during the week PACT was due turned out to be the stupidest thing I could do, but I still had my awesome girlfriend, and my awesome teacher friends. Somehow we found our way through PACT and through the program.

Last summer had arrived and with it, the job hunt. Except I had a problem, I had failed a course at Sac State. I had too many absences and even though I had done all of the work and watched the lectures on-line and did the assignments on-line, because I was enrolled in the in class version of the class, the teacher failed me and was not going to listen to anything. I could not get a teaching job because I was still a class away from my damn credential. I let it get me down for a while, but eventually I knew I had to man up and retake the class. I took it on-line, got an A and by December of 2012, I was a credentialed teacher. I lost the long term sub job in January, but I had a job at Regal and while it was not stellar, it gave me purpose. I got a promotion in May and this summer I had 9 interviews for teaching jobs.

Now, I have a job. When I think about all of the ups and downs of the last few years, all I can think about is how many times I wanted to just give up. I could have easily given up. I can always work at a movie theater. Between my own depression, my lack of confidence and the stupid things that kept me from getting where I wanted to be in the time frame in which it was supposed to happen, I could have quit. Giving up would have been such an easy way to move on in my life, but I did not quit. I found a way to stick it out and BAM, I have my own classroom. 6 years in the making, I achieved this goal. I did not quit when it got tough, when I felt stupid, or when I felt like it was just not meant to be, I just kept plugging away and it eventually worked out. Now, I am not saying it worked out because it was supposed to, or because I wanted it so bad, no. It worked out because I kept working at it. I never let myself stay down. This was not about willing myself to a job, it was about continuing to work my way through all of the mud.

Over the last year plus, I have had various starts and stops in my health, but the one thing I have not stopped doing, is trying. I have realized that there is so much to be said in just trying. When I think about the last four years and where I was and where I am now, I know I would not be in this great place if I did not just keep trying. 4 years ago I was on the verge of giving up on everything in my life, I could not get out of bed and now here I am absolutely LOVING my life. I could imagine being in any better of a place than I am now. In grand scheme of life 4 years is not that long to find your way through the muck of life. I did it. I am moving in the direction every day that I keep trying to move in the right direction. It really is that simple. All you have to do is keep trying and eventually you will see more victories than losses. I am a very blessed man right now because I started to realize I deserved it and worked to get it!