A jumble of thoughts

Clearly, I have not been able to keep up with the schedule I had hoped to, so I am going to have to lose the 2 times a week posting. My new goal is to post every Sunday. Setting an actual schedule is incredibly helpful, and since I have to update my grad school Teaching College Composition blog every weekend, it is a good time for me to update this blog as well.

As it turns out, being a full time teacher and a full time grad student is insane. The work load is more than I would recommend to anyone, and it has definitely taken its toll on me in recent weeks. If I survive April and May, it will be a miracle, seriously. Between writing two fourteen-page papers, four shorter essays, a lit review, two annotated bibliographies, reading three more novels, preparing students for the AP Lit exam, teaching four junior English classes, planning next year's yearbook, and writing, and submitting paperwork to the UC system to get yearbook as an A-G credit, I may just die.

That being said, being a grad student has actually helped me find the energy to teach every day. It has reminded me of how important learning is. I actually think I have been a better teacher the last two months because of the time at grad school. Plus, one of my courses has opened my eyes to being a better teacher of writing, which is the area in which I am weakest. Next year I am going to be a whole new teacher, and I am totally stoked. But I have to get through the next eight weeks first.

This week, which was supposed to be awesome because it was spring break from teaching, took a pretty nasty turn Thursday night. My wife had my car in Oakland, and someone smashed the window and stole my wife's laptop and a duffle bag full of clothes and makeup. It turns out our deductible on our insurance is so high that we are pretty much paying out of pocket to fix the window and if we want to replace the lost items. The last few months we were starting to climb out of the financial hole we have been in for what feels like forever, and this is definitely an unexpected hit. But, I know we will survive it. We have survived worse together. And it turned out that, for me, this was not even the kicker.

Friday afternoon I ventured out to Arden Fair Mall to get a receipt on the Macbook Air that was stolen, and as I was walking around the mall, I heard some whispers from behind me. I heard two voices cracking jokes about my obesity. It appeared that these people were actually following me just cracking jokes. I have written at length about my experiences with people making fun of me for being fat, and I am not super eager to rehash that conversation, but it is hard to not write about it when it is something I continue to deal with multiple times a month. Yes, multiple times a month I hear people in the world making comments about how fat I am, as if I am oblivious to the fact that I am an obese person. I have been obese since I was probably fourteen years old, this is not a surprise to me. What is surprising is that the things my fourteen year old peers taunted me with in middle school and high school, are still happening. Those people who caused me to miss half of the school year in seventh and eighth grade because I could not possibly face them, grew into adults who do the same thing.

After listening to these two people for longer than I should have, I finally snapped. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had not given them the satisfaction of knowing they got to me. On a regular day I probably could have let it roll off of me. I have become pretty damn good at ignoring such things. Friday though, man they managed to find the exact way to make their words stick. I have said this before, but if you take pictures of people to mock them online, or if you mock people openly in public, you are an asshole and I have no time for you in my life. Please delete me from any social media if you think that is funny. You can go on and on about politically correctness being bad, but if your aim is to hurt people, you are not some defender of Freedom of Speech, you are just a fraction of a human being, and have no concept of decency.

If I could go back to any moment in my life, I would go to my twelve year old self and implore myself to not get obese. It is a seriously awful thing to be fat and try to occupy space in public. Almost always, that obesity was caused by bad decisions so people think it is fair game for mockery. This entire weekend I have been replaying all the worst things I have heard or had done to me because of my obesity. It is an awful space to be occupying, but I have not been able to shake it at all. It is Sunday and I am still stewing in how awful it feels.

I am a productive member of society. I think I have an honorable profession. I am working hard to better my mind, and my station in life. I like to think I treat people fairly and fight for people who are struggling to fight for themselves. I think most people who know me would say that I am kind and sincere, so why should it matter to me what two people who have never met me before think? Why does it hurt? I wish I had answers, I really do. This is not the kind of thing I can seem to intellectualize. It boggles my mind that there are people out there who feel the need to be so mean. And I know that it is a reflection of them and not of me, but that does not help.

My hope is that now that I have written it out, I can let it go. I do not need to hold on to the anger, the sadness, the hopelessness I have been feeling for three days. Last night I had a great work out. I am a dedicated teacher and student. I am a dedicated friend and husband who has people who love me. It is time to focus on those things. It is time to remind myself that I am not my obesity. We are not the things the world makes fun of us for. We are stronger than that. I am stronger than that.