Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A Grad School Moment

I decided to go to grad school for purely selfish reasons. I am not typically one to do anything selfishly, and a Master's degree will certainly benefit my wife and our future kids in terms of a pay raise in my job, and perhaps the opportunity to pivot in terms of career, but I made the decision to go to grad school simply because I wanted to be in rooms of like-minded people. I wanted to read books and discuss them at length with smart, passionate people. I wanted to write papers about literature and have smart people read them and tell me if I have any clue. I craved this.

However, I think I often talk more about how much work it is because, well, it is A LOT of work. And, frankly, I am always slightly embarrassed about how much I love it. I do not think people really care about what I am getting out of my 6th reading of the Scarlet letter or my first reading of any of Henry James' works. It is easier to focus on what others can relate to: being busy. To be honest, there are times when I am not sure how worth it is. The last few weeks I had been feeling this. I have been sick, and feeling off my game. I have not had a chance to take many classes featuring novels/authors I have great interest in, and in my third semester, I feel run-down. Going three semesters of being a full-time student and a full-time teacher has taken its toll on me. Combine that with the usual Imposter Syndrome, and I have been feeling the grad school blues.

And then tonight happened. I am taking a class focused on the works of Nathaniel Hawthorne and Herman Melville, and we are currently reading Hawthorne's The Blithedale Romance, a book I find agonizing to read. I am bored out of my mind every time I pick it up. Seated next to me in this class is a guy I have gotten to know a little bit because we have two classes together this semester, so we see each other four days a week, and we were talking about the book, and I admitted I was not liking it at all. He confessed he loved it and started flipping through it showing me all of this underlines, markings and marginalia, and I could tell he was excited about it. It was totally cool. Then, it turned out it was his turn to present today. He passed around his handout, and began his presentation, and I was floored by how cool it was. He had this cool-as-hell angle into the book, gave an insightful presentation, connected it to the presentation from Monday, and then he dropped these just complex, interesting discussion questions on the class. Suddenly, this book I hated so much, this book that literally lured me to sleep, came alive in my hands. I saw what he saw, and I was able to feel a part of the class in a way I have felt detached the last two weeks.

The professor and my other peers also helped me see things in the book I had not seen before. They helped shape the book. I still do not like it, but it was a reminder that liking a thing is not necessary, as long as you can find a way into the book in some way.

Then, after class I was walking to my car, and I saw that guy and another classmate in conversation, so I stopped and we killed an hour talking literature, professors, and most importantly, their experiences in education as minority students. I learned a ton, tonight. I grew to understand my privilege in brand new ways, and I got to know two of my peers a lot better. I am not a social person by nature. In fact, I am pretty awful at meeting people and making friends, and being a regular social human person. There is no guarantee this night will have started some great friendships, but talking to these people about the beauty of Percival Everett's Erasure, the sheer brilliance of a recently retired professor, and the lack of diversity in the course selection at Sac State brightened my spirits on a night where I definitely needed the light.

Seriously, do the shit you love. Even when you are not loving it, something will happen that will remind you why you loved it in the first place.

Oh also, last week I learned I might get to write a thesis and not take the exit exam. Things are looking up for sure!

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