The myth of the "friend zone."

Before I dive in: I know this is not what this blog is typically about. I have been wrestling with this for a few weeks and decided the only way to stop wrestling with it was to just write it. I will go back to my usual posts next week. Also, this is purely anecdotal. I am adding my voice to the dialogue only for those who know me. I am no trying to incite anything major, there are no studies cited, there is not social justice theoretical framework that is framing this post. It is a purely subjective blog post. Take it or leave it. Oh also, this is my personal experience, so it is going to be about male/female friendships, not those of someone attracted to the same sex having same sex friendships. Okay here goes.

In 9th grade I had a friend who had a bit of a reputation. Getting over the fact that these reputations existed in 9th grade, people assumed I was friends with her because I was hoping the stories of her sexual aggressiveness were true. When someone asked me about it, I said that we were not hooking up that person said "Well then, what's the point" as if the only reason to be friends with a sexually active female was to have sex with her. This person assumed that I wanted sex, but that she was unwilling to give it to me. This is when I became familiar with the "Friend Zone" term. This girl would go on to be a great to me through high school. In fact, that same year, my 9th grade class went to Ashland for the Shakespeare festival, and after someone who shoved me to the ground in the pouring rain, and I was unable to go change my clothes because we were running late for a show, this girl was the only person who would sit with me at the show. She was the only friend of mine who helped me clean up at the theater, and she was the only one who hung out with me during the rest of the trip after my other friends joined the chorus of people who were laughing at me. If friendship is measured by what I got out of it, well she was a great friend because she salvaged my first trip to Ashland.

All of my life I have had incredible female friends. I have also always had way more female friends than male friends. It is something that my ex-girlfriend could never get over. It started with that girl in 9th grade and has continued to this day. Over the years I have had people always mention how often I have been put in the Friend Zone, and I always reacted the way I was culturally told to act: disappointed. I would act like the victim I thought I was supposed to act like. I was acting upset that these girls did not want to have sex with me, but the reality is, I was not upset. I understand attraction. I get that friendship does not equal sex. I also understand that my life does not revolve around sex. When I look back on my life time of great female friendships, all I think about are the incredibly rich relationships I have with them. I think about all of the great life lessons I have learned through the friendships. You know the same things I learn in my male friendships, because FRIENDSHIP IS NOT ABOUT GETTING TO SEX.

I like to think that my girlfriend would confirm that I am a good boyfriend. She might even say I am a great boyfriend. I strive be the best boyfriend I can be on a daily basis, but I strongly believe I am, on my worst day,a good boyfriend. I have always attempted to treat my girlfriend in a way that her friends who have not met me would love me because of how she talks about me. I believe I accomplish this because of 2 things. First, I was raised by a wonderful man who treated my mom with incredible respect. Growing up my parents had regular date nights, and while my dad is not super affectionate, I took notice of how he treated my mother. The second reason I think I am able to accomplish this is because of all of my female friends. Over the years I took notice of what girls want. Yes, it gets frustrating when girls you like date jerks, but that was not because I thought they should be with me, but because I wanted them to be happy, and over the last 20 years of my life, I listened to what girls generally want. I got so much out of those friendships because each one made me a better person, and prepared me for the time when I met a girl who not only wanted to be my friend, but wanted to my partner in life, love, and friendship.

If you are looking at sex with women as the end game, you are not a nice guy, and you did not get put in the Friend Zone by a girl, you got put in the Asshole Zone, because that is what you are. I have no idea what would have happened if some of my female friends had had sex with me. Were there female friends I wanted to have sex with? Yes, absolutely, but who knows how different my life would have been. Would that relationship have been irrevocably damaged beyond repair? Would it have turned me in the kind of guy who was looking at sex as the end game? I have no idea, but I do know that I am thankful for every single female friend in my past. Friendship is not a consolation prize. Sex is not "first place" because sex is not a prize to be won. If you think a girl has put you in the Friend Zone, you are not actually friends with this girl. Friends do not turn their backs if sex is off the table. Yes, it can be difficult to have feelings for a girl and listen to her complain about her current boyfriend, and if it gets to be too much, just walk away because you are not doing yourself or her any favors, but please stop complaining about being in the Friend Zone. If you are actually a friend, you will listen to her, and be there for her even if the boyfriend is a jerk. Then, when the time comes that you find a girl who wants to be with you, remember all of those lessons you learned from your female friends and be the best boyfriend you can be, and continue to be the best friend you can be to your female friends.

I am the man I am today because of countless female friends, some of which I want to mention here in no particular order: Martina, Wendy, Marina, Jessica, Jessica, Taylor, Karly, Megan, Christina, Emylee, Lyndi, Cindy, Sarah, Erin, Joelle, Shirley, Malia, Megan, Andrea, Carolyn, Caitland, Lauren, Liz, Amanda, Tayler, Brandi, Brittany, China. Thank you ladies for helping me be a better friend. Thank you for helping me be a better human. Thank you for helping me be just better.

SO to answer the age old question about men and women being friends, yes they can be, and it is awesome.