Kicking it up a notch

From the moment I found myself back in the pool, I wanted to get myself to 20 laps. My body is a mess of pain, I am incredibly obese and out of shape and I was swimming 10 laps the first week and in order to do those 10, I had to take breaks. It was embarrassing for someone who used to swim on a regular basis and I was good. This is not some bragging nonsense either, I was a pretty good, and fast swimmer. I have always been bigger, but when I was younger, I was in pretty good shape even for a bigger kid. The fight to get myself to 20 laps has been equally as embarrassing for me. I would hit this wall at 16 or 18 laps and my mind would take over and I would crash. The pain would kick in and I refused to fight through the pain. The back injury was a major setback in my progress, and I was starting to feel defeated but that was before my major attitude adjustment this week. I came into this week knowing I needed to kick myself in the ass.

Well the attitude change brought with it my 20 lap milestone! Not only did I hit the milestone, I hit it without any real breaks between laps! Oh, but that is not all readers, today I got up to 24 laps in the amount of time it took me to get 20 on Wednesday. Next week, I am really going to push it and get myself to 30 by the end of next week. I honestly think I could have pushed myself harder today, but I do have a bit of a cold and it was making breathing a bit difficult, and let's be honest, breathing is an important part of the living process. I started this blog on May 10th and began my quest a day or two earlier, and here I am 7 weeks later and hitting my first, of hopefully many, big milestone. It feels great! My body was exhausted, but it was a good exhausted, not the kind of exhausted you feel after wolfing down a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger.It was not that exhaustion of shame you feel when you ate too much and realize you are tired from eating. I am excited to hit 30 laps next week. My goal is to be at 50 laps before the summer is over. I really believe I can get there.

Keeping with the physical, I had my first dance rehearsal in over a year this week. Our choreographer moves at a fast pace, which I appreciate. For some reason I have always picked up choreography very quickly and I love to move and I love it when a choreographer does not hold back on me because of my weight. The next day I woke up and I could move! This is another huge thing for me. Normally the day after a dance rehearsal my body is a mess of serious pain, stiffness and general sadness, but not this week! I was up the next day, went for a brisk walk and spent the day packing and lifting boxes with minimal pain. This is 7 weeks in and I am seeing the exact kind of results I was hoping to see. Yes, I have hit a weight loss plateau, but I am feeling so great about myself for the first time in a few years.

In terms of weight loss, I have decided not to weigh myself for another week. I do not want to risk getting down on myself. I want to keep this positive momentum flowing. It feels like I burst through a dam and I do not want to stop the gushing water of positive emotions. I need this right now. There are still a few aspects of my life that are freaking me out, and this momentary outburst of pure positive energy is needed to get me through the rest of it.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion. If you find it, you have to do everything you can to hold onto it and remind yourself of that happiness when times get tough. I have a world of things to be thankful for and I am not ignorant of that. I know many of you have great families, but I believe I have the best family in the world. We rally around each other in the face of everything and I have needed to fall back on them many times in my life and never once have they let me fall. My best friend has seen me through so much and seen me at the absolute lowest of emotional, physical and mental health, and he has always told me I deserved better for myself and always reminds me how much I have to offer. I am also lucky enough to have the sweetest, most understanding, most caring and most amazing girlfriend in the world. I apologize, half-heartedly, for the cheesiness, but it is completely sincere. Martina does way more than she probably knows to keep me focused. But most of all, I have myself. I have to control my own happiness. We all have to control our own happiness. We surround ourselves with the people who bring out the happiness. They do not create it or control it, but they help foster it. I have to be in charge of what I let in my body, and who I let in my heart and life.

This journey has taken me so many places already. I have cried quietly in the dark of night as I realized how I caused this in myself, but how I always blamed other people. I have randomly laughed, and cheered when I hit this big introspective realization. I have eaten more fruits and vegetables in the last 7 weeks than I can ever remember, and I have stuck to my plans. I have hated every fiber of my being, and then never loved myself more when I realized what was causing that hate. I am a million miles away from completing this journey, but after 7 weeks, I feel like I have traveled the entire world of emotions. I am exhausted, but energized and am thankful to each and every person who has read and followed the journey thus far. I am unbelievably thankful for the words of encouragement, the suggestions and the positive energy everyone brings to my journey. I am even more thankful to those who have said I have inspired them. I do not want to sound douchey, but it is my life's goal to inspire and if my journey to free myself from the chains of obesity, pain and sadness, can help someone else escape their own chains, that is best feeling in the world.

Tomorrow I get to go witness two people who love each other commit to a life together. Is there anything more inspiring than that? I tell you readers, life is a crazy, beautiful, tragic, awesome trip and it is about time I look up and enjoy the damn ride!!