Well, the darkside is back. I was in such a groove of positive energy and this damn knee of mine has really brought me down. The tendinitis in my right knee has been causing my knee to be swollen for nearly 48 hours now. I pushed through it yesterday which was probably not my most wise decision. Between choreography on Saturday, dancing at the wedding on Saturday night, choreography on Sunday night and walking to rehearsal on Monday night, my knee is in a bad way. With it, the reminder of why this entire process is so maddening to me.
being obese already puts a tremendous toll on my body and the only way to attempt to alleviate that toll is to get active. However, the more active I get, the more of a toll it takes on my already in pain body. yes, it would have been easier to not just have been grossly fat in the first place, but that shipped sailed many many years ago. All I can do is focus on how to get my life back. Everything was going so well and now that my knee hurts to stand, sit, switch positions, push the gas pedal and certainly do any sort of exercise it reminds me why I always give up. At some point, the pain just becomes too much for me to overcome. The pain outweighs whatever results I see, because I never see the results fast enough to make me forget about the pain. Every time I watch something like The Biggest Loser I get so frustrated because they do not show that aspect of the show. We never see the medical staff of set that is there to make sure no one pushes passed the ability. Well, as someone who is in debt, and cannot afford to ever see a doctor, I have no idea if I am just in pain, or if I am doing serious damage to my knee or to the shoulder that has felt pinched for nearly a week. Without knowing what I am doing to my body, I am left to decide for myself how much to push and right now, I am feeling like I need to ease up just a little bit, at least until the swelling dissipates.
This constant back and forth is starting to weigh heavily on my mind. I know I need this change. I know it is the key to accepting myself and to allowing myself that elusive happiness I am digging for, but what if I cannot get there? What if my body is already too damaged to be helped in a serious way. I know this is a dramatic turn from last week, but such is the life of someone trying very hard to make a severe series of drastic changes. I started to feel myself hit these "what if" scenarios pretty hard two days ago and I have not been able to close the floodgates on them. I am doing everything I can do make the change, but what if it is not enough? Like so much else over the course of my life, what if I am just not good enough, or strong enough to overcome this wave of pain? I am fighting like hell and I think that is all I can do. I have to keep moving forward with the hopes that I will soon find a job, and then be able to afford people to help me really figure this out. Whether that person is a trainer, a doctor, a nutritionist, or maybe one of each, I have no idea. I can only hope that I can hang on long enough to find out if there is something else I should be doing.
I hate feeling like such a downer, and a disappointment, but I think I have to allow myself to have a bad day every once in a while. I just have to get myself out of it before it becomes the predominant thought. I have to know when enough is enough. This is not a pity party, and I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just frustrated and disheartened today, which in and of itself is progress, because this frustration has always led to a pity party before. I am still going to eat something healthy for dinner and still eat grapes and watermelon as a snack, I am just going to drive to rehearsal tonight and try my best to remain upbeat, but that will be tough tonight.
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