The stupidity of insecurities

Today I went to the pool to swim. When I arrived the with my girlfriend and her roommate there were two guys at the pool. They were not swimming, but they were in the pool area. Both of these guys were good looking and trim and one of them was in incredible shape. What is about to follow in this blog follows absolutely zero amount of logic and I understand that.

From the moment I took off my shirt to get in the pool, these guys were judging me. Everything they whispered was a comment about how gross I am, how stupid I look when I swim and how foolish it is I even attempt to lose weight. Every laugh made me cringe because I knew without question they were laughing at me. I was the sole subject of their conversation and it completely psyched me out. The entire time I was swimming, I was not even remotely paying attention to the fact that I did a good amount of laps considering I am on the verge of a death sickness hovering and considering I had not done any swimming in almost a week. No, all I could focus on was these two guys judging everything about me. Of course, the probability that they were actually talking about me is incredibly low. Why would I register on their conversation? And even if they did mention something to each other, why the hell should I let it get me down? My own insecurities of course. I believe these things about myself to the point where I become obsessed with them and I assume everyone else is obsessed with them as well. When you have a tiny zit on your face, you assume everyone is looking at it, or commenting on it quietly as you pass by. Well, my insecurities are a giant zit and I cannot seem to pop it and rid myself of these ridiculous thoughts.

It is the same reason I never go into a gym. I like the idea of having a place to go and get everything I need in terms of a work out, but the minute I step inside a room at a gym, I immediately assume everyone stops what they are doing to comment on how ridiculous it is that this extremely fat guy would even attempt to get into shape. It is like I am infringing on this secret hideout of fit people and they want me to gone as quickly as possible. Even worse is when I start to use a machine and every single person is laughing at me using it incorrectly. They judge the speed, the incline, the reps, the amount of weight, the way my clothes do or do not hide my fat. It is crippling. It is seriously crippling and I wish that it fueled my desire, but it does not. It causes me such serious anxiety I feel like I make myself ill. it is silly because most of the people I know who are in shape are incredibly kind and helpful to me. But, these people who are judging me do not know me. They do not know me and think I am cool, or honest or whatever the quality my friends see in me is. No, they are faceless, charmless people who only exist to ridicule my attempts to better myself.

How can I exist in a world where I think strangers are constantly mocking me? Honestly, it is tough on some days. These days where the insecurities take such hold that I truly believe I can do nothing write no matter how hard I try. I know this is silly. It does not make it any less "real." On these days, I have to learn to better look to the people who care about me. I have to realize that even if there are people who mock me, those people do not matter. The people who want us to succeed are who matter and I have plenty of those people on my side. I have people on my side that I would have never thought would be interested in my life. It is an exciting thing, and it is incredibly helpful on days like this when the insecurities leave me just a bit more crippled than usual.

So after I got out of the pool, and got my first sunburn of this summer season, I ate a good lunch, but did not over eat. I drank Iced Tea instead of soda and for dinner I steamed some vegetables, and ate some delicious fish. I did not let myself feel crippled for the entire day and I did not fall back on the things that brought me such faux comfort. In the end you can say that I handled these insecurities in the most positive way I ever have and as I finish writing this and go to sleep, I feel incredibly good about that.