I just powered through the last week of school, which puts me at the end of the most emotional 9 months of my life. it was stressful, amazing, depressing, exhilarating and every emotion in between. Yes, I have arrived at the end of my student teaching. Well, technically I have one more day, but I am essentially done. In accordance with that, my body is RUNDOWN. I have been in a constant state of go, go ,go for 9 months and my body senses the end. However, I pushed myself this week. I walked for an hour in circles at a mall on Tuesday, even though I was beat, I swam without any breaks one day and I did not sleep that well on top of it. Because of it, I have suffered my first injury. I have strained some muscles in my back. I have not sought help, but I have suffered this once before and this is exactly what it felt like, so I am making a bit of an assumption. Therefore, I am deeming this weekend, a weekend of rest. It means I will not be swimming, walking, or running. I need to let my back heal, so I can hit the ground running when I am up to it.
There is a part of me that wants nothing more to just revel in this rest. I love video games, books, movies and lounging in bed. It suits who I am as a mostly indoor type person. However, I have this momentum and now it is stalled. I am worried that in two of three days, I am going to fall right back into the old habits of my life. I am going to get so comfortable playing video games for more than an hour a day, or enjoy watching an entire season of some show and when I feel better, I am going to not feel like I want to get out there in the heat and continue this journey. of course, the biggest reason I am trying to make this change is so that I am not hurting as much. I know this injury is mostly due to the weight I am carrying. However, in order to lose the weight, I have to be up and moving all of this weight. It is no wonder people give up. It is no wonder why I have given up every single time I tried. Hell, one time I lost nearly 75lbs in a little over two years, and instead of continuing, I gave up. It just got too hard. My body ached too much. I was not seeing the results enough and it was just too easy to stop.
Therefore, my goal over the next week is to not let myself quit. I need to let myself rest this weekend and until I feel comfortable moving again, but I need to keep my mind focused. I think a big part of that will be making sure I still eat healthy this weekend. If I can keep part of my routine going, I will have a better shot and getting myself back into the swing of things. See, the big thing here is, I am not sure how much healthier I am physically right now. I have lost nearly 20 lbs in the month that i have done this, but I am feeling rundown. I am hurting. However, emotionally and mentally I in the best place I have been in years. I am having life altering realizations about how I have lived my life. I am making healthy changes in who I am as a person and how I relate to myself. I am not waking up every day hating everything about myself and feeling like the only way to get validation is to get it from outside sources. I am doing things for me. I am making healthy life decisions. And it is all connected, so I know that even if the weight is not coming of like I want, or if I do not see any change in my appearance, I know it is helping in other aspects and that it will all eventually work together to make me the best version of myself I can be. I can be the version all of my loved ones have told me I can be, but never believed myself.
But for today, I rest. I watch episode after episode of SUITS, or maybe go rent a movie, and definitely play a multitude of video games. Hopefully, I will feel up to going shopping for fruits and vegetables later, but as of now the pain in back is so severe, leaning down to fill my water bottle nearing caused me tears. Oh to be healthy.
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