A key phrase

I have had an overwhelming amount of support in my life time. When I was entering high school and realizing that sports were not going to be my thing, I was a bit nervous my dad would not understand, but when I found theater, he was the most supportive person and still is. My parents have always just wanted me to be happy. When I finally got serious about college, my parents took me back in and let me live rent free for years so I could focus wholly on my school work. It allowed me to have just a part time job and really pay attention to school and I think that it showed. My parents still come to California to see me in shows. My siblings try to come to shows and they have all been very supportive over the last year especially as I struggle with finding a full time job. I know I can call on them if I am in dire need and they would be there for me without question.

I have also been lucky with my extended family. I have friends I have not seen in years, but I know if I called them and needed them, they would be there for me. They all want me to succeed. It is not even limited to close friends. I have this giant network of people on Facebook who are pulling for me. I have people who text me or message me if they hear of an English teaching position open up. People love to share inspiring stories or tips or recipes with me all of the time as they cheer me on my journey. It would be very easy for people to just tell me "keep searching" when they ask about the job hunt, but so many people have gone out of their way to say things "it will be a lucky school that gets you" or "I wish my kid could have you as a teacher." These are not necessary things for people to say in the social contract of life. These are extra things that make me feel incredibly good about myself.

However, for years I have never felt worthy of any of it. It does not matter how many people are rooting for you if you are not one of those people. That is why i like to think of this key phrase "I am Good Enough." It is one thing to have my friends, my family and my girlfriend tell me that I am good enough, but is completely different thing to be able to really say it about yourself. This has been an ongoing battle for me my entire life. I have always felt like the back up plan. If I got a lead in a show it was because no one else really auditioned, not because I had a great audition and deserved to play the role. That was just how I thought. I was the person people would call if everyone else was busy and they just did not want to be alone. That is how I have seen myself for the great majority of my life. As I have been working through my various issues on a path to a life healthier and happier, I have been examining these insecure thoughts.

I have finally gotten myself to a place where I can honestly look into a mirror and say that I am good enough for change. I am good enough to be happy. I am good enough to demand better of myself and how people treat me. It is an empowering moment. That first moment you realize that you are good enough for that thing with which you have been struggling. It sounds cheesy I know, but in that moment, just briefly, you really feel like you can do anything if you just decide to do it. My moment came about two months ago when I woke up in the morning. I have no idea why I awoke that day feeling this, but I did. I woke up, stretched out, looked at myself in the mirror and just said "I am good enough to run a whole mile without stopping on the treadmill." Then I went out and did it. It was that simple. I just made the choice to be good enough and now I realize that I am.

I still have days where I feel incredibly awful about myself, but I can combat those now. When I feel those days coming on, I work out harder. I make myself feel worth something. Those awful feelings go away more quickly now. I am demanding better out of myself. I am still working on demanding better from other people. I am still working on explaining my issues to other people out of fear that they will turn away. I am still working on it, but it is all a part of the process. Everything I do is a part of the process. I am really enjoying the process. I am so much better at not getting mad at myself if I eat too much one day, or if I just lay in bed too long one day. I am letting myself off the hook much more easily now.

The art of letting go is a crucial and complicated art. I have to hold myself responsible for my actions while not getting down on myself. I am walking that line with a fine tooth comb these days. I am better at realizing the consequences of my actions but also knowing that I can do better next time. I am good enough after all.