From my first show in high school, I knew there would be a big issue with performing in theater: costumes. Costuming a guy my size has never been an easy task, I am sure. I have worn enough of my own clothes in shows to know that costumers do not enjoy searching out ways to costume a guy my size. Along with walking down the aisles of an airplane staring at the faces hoping I was not sitting next to them, seeing a costumer for the first time has always caused me anxiety. I have had some great costumers, but I have also had some pretty mean spirited costumers in my day that have caused me to really dread the moment of getting measured and fitted. There is a special kind of self hatred one gets when a costumer has to pull out the big tape measure in order to get your measurements.
For the longest time, I kept a series of clothes and shoes that I thought I might need for shows. This included really tight wrangler jeans, a leather jacket (which I still own), cowboy boots, chucks, various button up shirts and a few blazers. This arsenal of clothes I would never wear in my daily life was meant to ease the stress level of the frazzled costumer. Over the years however, costuming in a show has been a pretty good barometer of where I stood in terms of my size. The last 4 years have been a constant battle with weight loss. When I was living in the apartment behind Erik's house, I had finished the worst summer of my personal life and had lost enough weight to where I could finally start buying shirts that were XXXL and not XXXXL. It was a monumental moment in my life and it was around the time I started doing The Drowsy Chaperone the first time. The costumer borrowed a suit that I had worn in a show a mere 5 months earlier and when I wore it the first time, it was a tad bit snug and for Drowsy, it was too big. This was at a time when over a 14 month span I lost roughly 50 pounds. It was such a great measure of where I had gone in only 5 months. It showed me what was possible.
However, I got stalled and eventually the weight started coming back on. When I did Titanic earlier this year, I felt like I was at the heaviest I had been in quite a few years. It was part of why I decided I was ready for this journey. I was tired all of the time and having a tough time with keeping up with just my one number. It was during the fitting for that show where the extra long tape measure got busted out. It was this giant personal moment of embarrassment for me. I worked so hard just a few short years ago and it had all been lost. Titanic was also right at the height of some of the most stressful months of my life professionally and I was finishing the big project for my teaching credential and I dealt with stress through food. I should have taken that extra long tape measure as a sign that I needed a change, but I was not ready yet.
As my regular readers know, this journey really helped me through Joseph. I felt more agile, more energetic, and more comfortable in my own skin and it led to me giving one of my favorite performances. People tend to know me as a mix of faux arrogance and genuine self doubt, but Joseph is a performance about which I was very proud. Much of that has to do with this renewed sense of energy. I knew with a Gino choreographed and Bobby directed show coming up directly after Joseph, I was going to have to not only sustain that renewed sense of energy, but raise it. Last night at the beginning of rehearsal, I had a chance to revisit that same suit from Drowsy two years ago. It was even bigger on me this time than last time. However, that was not even the end of it. Every article of clothing the costumer had me try on FIT!! This never happens. She found clothes at a thrift store that fit me. Yes, they are big clothes, but they are legitimate XXXL button up shirts and they all fit. Normally I have to go through a bunch of shirts before we find anything that fits me. It also means I am at a size that is carried at thrift stores for the first time in I do not know how long. This was a giant lift on a really horrible day.
The journey is paying off. Last night's intense dance rehearsal left me exhausted and sore, but I kept up in a way that is foreign to me. My muscle memory is stronger than it has been in years, my stamina kept me pumped up and even though I was tired, I did not mark a single run through of the choreography. I am so close to being on time with a spin that plagued me last time I did the show. On top of that, I am feeling like I can keep up with this energetic cast and all of the physical bits Bobby has us doing. I am not as out of breath and I am keep pushing myself to try new and different things and not just rely on my size to try and get laughs or reactions. This is exactly what I needed to remind myself why I am putting myself through this.
This weekend is the big move. My life starts a new chapter and I know I need to rededicate myself to pushing this journey through. Tennis, bike rides, walks, vegetables, chicken, fish and continued positive thoughts are going to help make this life transition smooth and fun. Once I am all settled in the new place I plan on sitting down and really focusing my goals, giving myself specific places I want to be by specific times. I hope you will all continue with me. I love to hear stories from people who are going through similar things or have gone through similar things. You all inspire me to keep trying to be the best version of myself I can possibly be.
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