Food, glorious food

I have been thinking long and hard about what to tackle in this blog post. I feel like I might have tapped out the mental health aspect of this journey for a little while. I worry about repeating myself and that repetition will cause people to lose interest in reading this, which of course, no writer wants. I am still taking it easy on my knee, at least until the show is over and I jump deep into choreography for the next show. I know that Gino, my choreographer is going to make me work and I love it and I want to make sure my ass is ready to go when the time comes for me to move.

There are other topics on my mind, but they are not really in the realm of what this blog has become and last time I veered away from the focus of this blog, not too many people appeared interested. So I think I am going to talk a bit more about food and/or dieting.

Since I began this journey I have received a variety of opinions on what to eat and how to eat it. Vegetarians are telling me how much they lost just from cutting meat out of their diet, my best friend tells me he lost all this weight eating tons of meat and I have received opinions everywhere in between. Everyone has a book, or an article, or a website that supports their way of eating. I know a girl who bases her diet on her sign. She swears her doctor told her it is the way to go. It is shocking how easy it is to find someone with a specific degree that can back up what you are looking for. I am going to hunt for a doctor who tells me a steady diet of Mike and Ike's and Ice Cream will be the key to weight loss. Jokes aside, different diets work for different people. Different choices work for different people and lifestyles. I know I could never completely cut out bread products right now because Subway sandwiches are a part of my diet and will be for at least the next few weeks as I go between my house and my girlfriend's house. I have looked at every different diet that has been mentioned to me. I want people to know I do this in earnest.

I briefly toyed with the idea of attempting a few weeks of being a vegetarian. I really did, but I have yet to eat a veggie patty that really tasted good. It is not because I do not like vegetables, it is just I am not sure how many meals I can eat without chicken or fish. I may still give it a shot after reaching out to my vegetarian friends for recipes and meal ideas. I guarantee nothing, of course, but it might be an interesting experiment to see how I feel. At the moment, I feel good eating what I am eating. I have completely replaced all of my usual bad snacking habits with fruits, vegetables and nuts. I do miss candy, but I find myself missing ice cream much less than I imagined. I am eating breakfast 5 or 6 days a week right now, which is unheard of for me, but I also know that if I get a teaching job, the odds of me getting up in time to cook a full breakfast are incredibly slim, therefore I will probably get used to making smoothies.

So much of my life, right now, is in a state of flux. It is very hard to maintain a healthy attitude, focus and drive when this black cloud lingers above my head. When will I get a job? As someone who has spent far too much time without a job over the last four years, it is getting increasingly difficult to keep afloat. I try so hard to smile through the gloominess, but every time I think about it, I mean really think about it, I panic. Where will my income be coming from when I move? I no longer have student loans to fall back on. I could be heading into a free fall of built up debt and sadness. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to continue this path of healthy living. I really am. I am doing what I can to eat well, and live well. I am taking time for myself to relax and read or play video games, or hang out with loved ones, but in the back of it all is this bitch slap of a realization that my life cannot even be paycheck to paycheck because I do not even have a paycheck.

I feel like no matter what I say or do, I am literally just waiting for a job. I am waiting to move, I am waiting for employment and I am waiting to feel like I have my feet on solid ground. It is very tough to go for a walk or a run when you sink every time you put your feet on the ground. I think part of the reason I am trying so hard to focus on my health right now is that it is something over which I have some control. I can choose to eat a salad or a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger and it is shocking how much power there is in just being able to choose that. However, without any income at all, it is getting tougher and tougher to eat at all! Maybe I will end up losing weight based solely on an inability to afford meals. I am kidding, of course, I will continue to find ways to eat on a regular basis.

Ugh, this blog post took a depressing turn and for that I apologize. I am actually feeling pretty good right now, but I guess when I sit down to write, my fingers refuse to let me skip anything. I have been betrayed by my hands, like Guy Montag. If my former seniors read this blog, they would hate me for that reference. Well, the ones who paid attention would. Okay, how I can right the ship that is this blog post. I am tired of feeling like I am a downer. I am not some emo teen using his or her blog to write trite and awful sad poetry. I mean to motivate myself and others. What motivates you? I am curious to what motivates people when they are struggling? I motivate myself by talking to my loved ones. I got to see Taylor this week and I get to see Erik tomorrow. Plus, I have Martina. She is a great motivator. I am totally rambling now. I should just hit the eject button and admit this has gotten away from me.

One last thing. My awesome person moment. This week it is a collective of people. My director, Bobby, two cast members, Colton and Jessica, and 2 random fireman. My car had run out of gas, as it is prone to do (my gas gauge does not work) and Bobby, Colton and Jessica took time after rehearsal to help me and stay with me all the way until I got it running again. The two random fireman helped by giving me free gas and helping us get my car running. It was a embarrassing night and they all helped me get back on my way. It was awesome of all of them!