My Batman Shirt or a celebration of happy things

A little over a year ago I bought a Batman T-shirt. I bought in the 3X which is the size of all of my shirts, but it was a tad bit more snug than the other shirts, but it still fit, so I wore it out and about. Pretty soon after I bought it, I started to put a lot of the weight I lost two years ago, back on. Quickly that shirt became one that I put in the back of the closet never to be been seen again. My girlfriend still thought it looked good on me, but I did not feel comfortable in it. I was always worried that my fat was going to come creeping out from under the shirt and scare small children, or swallow puppies. Away it stayed for months and months. I would wear it around the house on laundry day, but it was never to see the outside again. I would never say that it was my goal to be able to feel comfortable in that shirt again, because it feels silly to have that as a goal, but it has been on my mind these last few weeks. This last week was a bit nuts with trying to finish class with my seniors and make sure they all passed and could graduate, so I fell behind on laundry and found myself staring the Batman shirt in the face. I put it on and it fit very much like it fit when I first bought it. This is progress. It still does not fit as nicely as I would like, but I wore it out in public and did not worry about feeling super uncomfortable. it is about the small victories, right?

And now celebrating positive things, as this blog has focused on the darker stuff lately:

I have yet to feel the pain of my tendinitis on any of my walks over the last two weeks. It has been glorious to be able to walk around without that particular pain weighing me down. I am not sure if it is due to me being more active on a regular basis or because of the accessory I purchased when I bought my shoes, but either way, it is an incredible feeling.

I have had 1 8 ounce cup of soda in roughly 3 weeks and I have not had a single Rockstar since I decided to cut them out.

Most of the need for the energy drink has been eliminated due to having more natural energy because I am not eating such crappy food.

I have really cut back on my snacking. I have been snacking on healthier foods, but I have been trying to cut back on snacking and so far it is working.

For so many years I just accepted my lack of will power as the rule in my life. I have had a terrible time fighting off my cravings for bad food, and have had a terrible time turning my life into a series of good habits. It turns out that it was about owning my will power. While Erik has been just killing it health wise in Oregon, he knew he could not force me into changes. The person has to be ready to really make the change, and for whatever reason it was not until recently that I felt ready. I think you can switch out "ready" for "worthy" and it makes more sense in my particular situation. I know Erik still wants me to fully embrace his Primal lifestyle, but he has not been pushing it and I appreciate that. I actually appreciate it from everyone. People have been incredibly supportive, and offered advice, but no one has been incredibly forceful. I know I have to figure out what is best for me personally. Every person is different and for me, I think a patchwork lifestyle change is one that is going to work best. Just call me Tarantino. I take existing parts and change them, rewrite them, reshoot them and make them their own work of art. Okay, that might among the most douchey things I have ever said.

I am about to come to the end of a very fulfilling journey and embark on the next phase. Student teaching has been the single most rewarding part of my life and now I am heading into the world of looking for a teaching job. I am also getting ready to look for a new place to live and currently trying to find summer work as well. The stress of all of this would normally launch me into an emotional tailspin, but I am getting my emotional health into a much better place. I am actually finding that getting my emotional health right has been much tougher, yet much more helpful in getting the rest of my health right. So many of my food issues are tied to emotional issues.

I am going to ask a question here and I hope to get enough responses either as comments or facebook, or text, or wherever, but would it be okay if occasionally I used this blog to write about something other than my health? I have this desire to write a blog post about my time as a student teacher, but do not want to turn readers away, and do not really want to start a whole other blog. It is perfectly okay to say "no" as this is lifestyle change blog.

Getting up off the mat and back into the saddle on my horse

I am not sure how many more cliches I could have fit into the section they give me to write a title, but I think my drift was received by the roughly 100 page views this will accrue. Last week's missteps must be this week's victories, yes?

The first thing I did this week was give myself a break. It may not feel so health related, but it is. The semester is coming to an end and all 60 of my students have checked out. This causes me to work harder to get them even remotely interested in what I am doing. This leads to stress, which leads to slip ups in terms of my health. Therefore, on Sunday I relaxed a bit. I had to get my mental/emotional state right. I had to re-calibrate my system. In order to do that, I started a new book. It is not great so far, but it relaxed me and prepared me for the week ahead.

My bloody heel is still causing issues when I walk, but I attempted to fight through that today. Yesterday I knew I would be doing a dance audition, so I let that be my work out yesterday. It was awesome, which kind of leads me to the point of this post.

Theater is such an interesting thing for someone like me who is trying to live a healthier life. Musicals, when choreographed by the right person provides this great work out. When I do a Gino show, I know I am going to lose weight, and I always do. I auditioned for "Joseph" last night and that show never fails to provide a good workout. I know if I get in, that can help me mightily. Yet, theater is also the bane of my healthy existence. With rehearsals running late, it is tough not to eat after a rehearsal and that usually involves eating all kinds of crap. I am hoping that with this being a summer show, my hours will provide me with reasons to get a healthy SNACK after rehearsal. This is, of course, if I get in. If I do not, well, that is antoher blog all together. This is my dilemma as a writer, once I get going, I want to write about everything. Getting far off topic.

This week my main goal is to stay focused. The money situation is making groceries tough, so I am managing my portions right now. Instead of 4 or 5 pieces of pizza and 4 pieces of crazy bread, I had 2 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of crazy bread. It is not the healthiest meal, but the whole thing cost me 9 bucks and I got 3 meals out of it. Portion control has ALWAYS been an issue for me. I know that I am not seeing the results as fast as I would in a perfect world, but I trust that these little changes will one day add up to something bigger.

I have had 2 glasses of soda in 3 weeks. It feels like a huge thing for me, especially considering in the last three weeks I have seen a few movies, which is always deadly. More importantly, it has been 11 days since my last Rockstar. I am drinking more juice which is strange for me, as I have ever been much of a juice person, but I do enjoy it.

As a concluding note, the level of encouragement I am getting from everyone is overwhelming. Every little message, comment, text, high five, and all words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have spent my life listening to the people I love tell me I am worth it, and I have never believed them. It is tough to admit that you do not feel worth pretty much anything. Only recently have I felt that maybe I was wrong and those who love me have been right all along. Maybe, just maybe, I am worth it. And if you are reading this and struggling with anything at all, know this, you are worth it. If you do not believe me, look into the eyes of someone you love and you will see it.

To drink..or not to drink a Rockstar

For a major part of the last 3 years, I have fabricated energy by pounding Rockstars. I am not a fan of the regular Rockstars, so I drink Rockstar Punched.It is a glorious drink that can give me exactly the energy I needed to fake in order to get through rehearsals, work, or just well, mornings. They have become a part of my culture of living. I have managed a full week now without soda, but Friday night still requires a Rockstar if I desire doing anything at night. However, I think it is time to phase them out.

This week I have not needed to fabricate energy because I have ACTUAL energy! During the day I am not nearly as tired or rundown as I have been for the last few years. Now, this happens to come at a time when my stress has been reduced as well due to the semester coming to an end and knowing I have passed the California assessment for potential teachers, so I am getting a better sleep, but this goes beyond that.

I have to make a confession, normally I do not eat my first real meal until after 2pm. I cannot eat breakfast early and because I am not home often, I do not do such a good job of packing a lunch, so I do not eat on campus. Recently this changed. I am trying to at least grab something to eat before school (a banana and/or orange is the most common)and I am trying to bring food with me to eat at school. Doing this has boosted my energy, but it also means I do not need to come home and eat first thing, then get tired from eating too much since it is my first meal of the day. Nope, now I come home and get right to work. I put together whatever I need for the next day and then I eat. It means I getting work done during the day, so I do not have to wake up at 5:30, which gives me an extra 30 minutes of sleep. It also allows me to sleep better, so when I go to bed at 10:00pm, I am not worried about the next day and I actually sleep.

No joke, people undervalue the importance of sleep. For a whole summer I averaged maybe 2 hours a night. It is what allowed me to burn through all 10 seasons of Friends at an ungodly pace. Here I am two years later and I am averaging nearly 7 a night. This is a complete turn around for me and it is making everything easier.

In other health project related news, I went for a really great swim yesterday. There is something that swimming does to me that almost nothing else can. It energizes me and relaxes me at the same time. It is a rare place where my body feels no pain, but I have to worry about my self conscious image issue. When I swim, I do my best to make sure it is just me and someone to whom I am close. My girlfriend makes it a bit easier because for whatever reason she finds me attractive. I do not pretend to understand it, but it is about the most wonderful thing in the world. Seriously, a supportive girlfriend when you feel like you are the most hideous thing ever, really helps. This is still a new revelation to me. However, I cannot see myself through her eyes. I see myself through my eyes and while I have wicked pretty eyes (seriously, I do. Trust me) I see this disgusting thing every time I take off my shirt. It effectively ended my love of swimming at roughly 13 years old when I started to really start thinking about what girls thought of me. Since then, swimming has always been bittersweet. I love it, but I only enjoy it in private, you know like a Taylor Swift song.

wow, did this post ever get away from me. Like I said, the darkness is there. Allow me to say, this change is not an appearance thing, it is not even a weight loss thing in as much as I am not stepping on a scale on a daily basis, this is a change to simply feel better and feel like I will live longer in order to help the people I am meant to help by being a teacher. The Biggest Loser always has two or three teachers on it and they always talk about their students, and as I now have had my own students, I see the importance I can have in their lives. If that sounds pretentious in any way, I promise you I do not mean it to. I think if you knew me very well, this is one area where I am actually void of pretentiousness. On a daily basis I see students who d not have great, stable home lives and they come to school simply for that stability and I do not want to jeopardize that because I could not stop myself from letting my health get too far gone to overcome.

This was literally going to be a short post about Rockstar energy drinks. I guess I have too much pent up to craft short posts for now. There is a part of me that wants to delete this post so no one ever sees just how physically insecure I am. It is easier when everyone thinks I am kind of cocky.