Sometime in December Living Social put up a really great deal for a CrossFit gym. I had been looking into it for a little bit because I had a few people who I know and respect tell me how much it was working for them. They said it would appeal to my competitive spirit. As I am always looking at ways to feed my competitive beast, I was curious. After doing some research, I felt it was something that could be of interest to me. Of course, I had no actual intention of doing it. I mean there was no way I could do all of that "stuff." Well, Martina, being the super smart woman she is, bought her Living Social first and then just kept dropping hints about how great it would be if we could go together. She really is a devilish woman. Unable to resist the logic and charms of my beautiful girlfriend, I bought the deal and we were going to use the new year to Springboard into it. Martina went a week before I went, but I joined her the next week. What follows will be my first two CrossFit experiences.
First off, the husband and wife who own the gym we attend are great. They are overwhelmingly positive and supportive. From the first moment I felt comfortable. I have NEVER felt comfortable in a gym. I have never felt comfortable around people who are in great shape because I always feel like they are judging me. I never felt that here. It was a very welcoming place. Cold as a frozen hell, but welcoming. We started off with a warm up consisting of a jog, push-ups, sit-ups, walking lunges, squats and wall/balls. The owner gave us modified versions of each exercise if we were struggling and kept reminding us not to hurt ourselves. It was about the most insanely painful thing I had ever experienced, but it also felt so good to be trying to do these things I had been telling myself I couldn't do since those awful President's fitness tests in middle school. Here I was, a day after a crazy 60 minute workout, pushing myself in ways I had never pushed myself. Then he showed us how to do these modified pull up things, which was weird and scary and uncomfortable, but also kind of fun. The workout used weights and more squats and felt like my senior year Weight Training class, which I never took seriously because I cheated the system. My teacher told us on day one that if your max weight lift gain went up over 40lbs during the semester you could not get less than a B. I pretended to make a pretty low weight my max, then goofed off all year, then lifted what I actually could lift at the end of class and my "max" went up 50 lbs and I got an A. I mean, I could not actually do any of the lifting. I was too weak.
Week two of Crossfit presented an interesting challenge: clapping push-ups. From the moment I found that out, I just kept saying "I can't, I can't, I can't." When the time came to do them, I resisted, but eventually knew I was going to be held accountable for it. I had to try. I got down and did 2 of them! The rest of them I did in a modified way, but if you include the modified ones which were still incredibly difficult, I did 5 sets of 5 push-ups. 25 push-ups over the span of 15 minutes along with doing these squats whose name escapes me right now, might seem like a little deal to many people, but this was monumental for me. This was me conquering 18 or 19 years of "I Can't." This was me doing everything I could to push almost two decades of negativity aside and at least trying to do something about it.
When it was over the female owner asked me how it was and I said "It was the hardest thing I can remember doing" and she held out her fist and said "Yeah, but you did it." I did it. This concept is still foreign to me. This idea of simply doing things is so strange. I did a 15 minute mile this week, simply because I stopped telling myself, "I can't." Never has such a little phrase held such power over me for so long. Last year I lost 40lbs and when I plateaued and when the holidays came and the weight stopped coming off, I did not tell myself "I can't lose anymore." I simply told myself to keep working.
This phrase "I can't" is something I am eliminating from my vocabulary. It is a phrase I never let my students say, and now it is a phrase I need to not say myself. I will run for 10 minutes non stop by the end of next week, because I know I can. The chains of "I can't" must be broken. I must free myself from the bounds of my own negativity. I must not let myself be kept in the prison of my own insecurities about what I am capable of. I cannot in good faith tell the people I love and care about that they are capable of great things, if I do not believe I am capable of great things. And let me be clear, me doing any kind of push-ups is a great thing. Any time we do something we did not know we were capable of it is a great thing. Please know that. Great things do not have to be these huge massive feats, they can be small feats that we previously felt we could not do. Anytime I feel myself pushing through a moment of "I can't" I feel empowered and every time we empower ourselves, it is a great moment. I doing everything I can to not let these small feats of greatness go noticed by myself. If next week, I can do a few more push-ups, that will be a milestone. It will be uncharted waters for me and it is only because dived off the island of can't and into the waters of can. Forgive the cheesy metaphor. It seemed good when I thought it.
The new year is 12 days long and I have not had any fast food or soda. I have been to the gym or walked for 15 minutes in a day 10 out of the 12 days. I feel stronger than I have in years. I feel healthier and happier than I can ever remembering feeling. I am expanding the scope of what I am capable of on a daily basis. On top of everything else, I got a job this week. It is kind of funny that when I finally decided to take control of my life, and started to feel better, things started to fall into place. The minute I stopped blaming the world for my life and started to look deep inside myself, I started to realize things could get better for me. And now it is happening. But it all starts with pushing aside the phrase "I can't." Trust me, you can. All you have to do is try and then be amazed at what you are actually capable of doing.
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