Trying to maintain a positive attitude

In all honesty, the last week has been incredibly rough on me. I lost the substitute teaching job. I am not entirely sure what happened, so I am not going to rehash it all, but it is gone. All that means is that I am exactly three weeks ago. I am in no worse a position, although it definitely feels that way. This is where that mental aspect of my work comes into play. I am pretty sure if this had happened at any other part of my life, I would have completely fallen apart. I would have binged on some of the worst food imaginable and stayed in bed for weeks. It is just how I would have dealt with a sort of loss. However, I do realize that I am in no worse a place than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a job, even if it is only a part time job. I am well liked and respected in this job, and my managers all told me that they will let me know if any of the surrounding Regal theaters have management openings and will write me a recommendation. It is not a great job, but I have something. I also still have everything else I had a few weeks ago. Therefore things are still good. Right? Yes, for the most part. I still feel great.

I am slowly realizing that we create our own mentality. I have been weighed down by a negative attitude my entire life and no matter where I try to lay the blame, I realize I am the one who should be shouldering the blame. I know I have touched upon this in my blog before, I will not bemoan the point, but I think it is worth mentioning every so often. Our attitude determines how we react to a situation. I can remember times in my life, when I would have a day of small misfortunes and I would blame it on the world just hating me for existing. What kind of nonsense is that? Now I realize that is not the case. People spend a lot of time commenting on how great I look, that my physical appearance is changing and that is great, but there is a part of me that thinks that I do not really look that physically different in terms of my weight. I feel like the change my appearance has more to do with how I carry myself. I am no longer always looking at the ground. I am not as hunched over when I walk. My hands are not always shoved deep into my pockets as I try to avoid talking to people. When I go see shows, I am not standing in the back waiting for my friends to be done talking to all of the patrons, I go up to them and hug them and get in the middle of crowds without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging. I really believe that is the biggest physical change people see.

I know I am losing weight, that is something you can measure. However, when I look in the mirror, I do not see someone who looks smaller, I really do not. I wish I did, but that is not what I see. However, I do see changes, but they are attitude changes. Last Friday night I went to CrossFit without Martina for the first time. It was the biggest class I have attended to this point and the work was by far the most intense to this point. I am pretty sure the Kyle from a year ago would have quietly walked out, gotten in his car and gone home. He would have not been able to handle any of that without someone he knew. He would not have been able to be in a gym with a bunch of really fit people and still been able to do any of the work out. But that is just not who I am anymore. Instead, I walked up to a guy who was sort of similar in size, introduced myself and asked him to be my partner for the partner work. I could barely recognize myself in doing any of that. I have never been the kind of guy to walk up to people and just start conversation. I have always been too self conscious to do such a thing. At least not since high school. And to have spent a whole hour next to some other dude and not once be self deprecating about my weight or my abilities in hopes of getting a laugh? That might be the biggest part of that whole night.

In fact, I generally feel like I am doing a great job at not being self deprecating in an attempt to get people to laugh with my obesity instead of at it. I am doing so much work to be healthier and happier and I realize that I am the one who holds me back the most. Instead of joking about my obesity, I am tackling it head on. I am admitting to myself that my obesity is something I can get control of, instead of letting it have control over me. I still have days where I just feel gross about who I am, and I do express it, but it is not in a joking way, or even a way to get sympathy. It is just stating it out so it no longer festers in my brain and eats at me. And then I have Martina who reassures me that I am not gross and it makes everything okay for that moment.

I know I am going to have bad days and bad weeks, but my attitude is everything. If I can keep myself moving forward and looking for the next opportunity instead of wallowing in what I did not get or what happened to me, I can overcome the bad days or bad weeks without letting them turn into bad months, or bad years. It is time for me to be an active tense and not a passive tense. I need to do things and not let things happen to me (sorry, I could resist). If I just focus on the things that make me happy: my girlfriend, my friends, cooking and eating good food, the gym (what??) movies, and books, I can overcome the bad times. I have to keep myself from slipping into an inherently negative attitude until it is my habit to be positive and do not even have to think about that negativity that has weighed me down for two decades. One step at a time seems like such a cliche, but it is true. Every day is fresh start, and it is time I stop carrying the baggage from Monday into Tuesday and so on until Saturday comes and I am too crushed by baggage that I cannot enjoy the weekend.

The Biggest Loser

From its first season until now, I have always been a fairly casual observer of NBC's The Biggest Loser. I have seen probably 8 seasons in their entirety and seen bits and pieces of most of the other seasons. For those of you who do not know what it is, The Biggest Loser is a reality based contest show. The goal? To be the person who loses the most weight, pure and simple. Every season obese people come on the show and work out with renowned trainers and learn how to be healthy. They get weighed at the end of each episode and the team who loses has to send someone home. For 13 seasons, The Biggest Loser has been a staple of NBC programming.

I remember when I first heard about this show, I was hesitant. Then the first season started and it had the catch phrase "Time to trim the fat" and I felt like it was a show that was not taking the idea of obesity seriously. That catchphrase went away quickly, thankfully, but every year as I watched the show, something about it always felt off for me. I have been obese for most of my life. At my heaviest (early 20's), I was over 350 lbs. I know what it is like to be obese and I know what obese people go through. I always felt The Biggest Loser gave people a false idea of how weight loss worked. It made it seem like dropping 9-15 lbs a week was not only doable, but expected. It sets people up for failure by giving them unrealistic expectations. it does not show the viewer how to lose weigh at home when you work 8 hours a day, come home to a family and have 50 things going on. These are not excuses. Let me make that clear. This last year has shown me how possible it is to lose weight, once you figure it out, but The Biggest Loser takes a group of obese people away from their lives and tells them, "Lose the most weight and win $1000,000.00." It is your only focus when you are on that show and when you only have one focus, it is easier to spend all day in the gym. When stocks your fridge with healthy things, it is easier to eat them. I am not saying the show is bad, but it has always felt like the show sets people up for failure if they think the weight loss results on the show are realistic.

Every year I have watched this show with an attitude of "I wish I could do the things they are doing." I always watch it and think about how I should maybe just try and get on the show and that would fix my issues, which is another dangerous idea the show kind of plants in your head. It is shocking to me how many of the contestants say that they have been trying to get on the show for years. "Well if I cannot get on the show, I guess I just cannot lose the weight." Let me be clear, I think the show has great ideas and it is compelling television. It reduces me to tears on a weekly basis as I watch these people fight to get their lives back, but I have always watched it with the idea that you need that avenue to lose the weight. it has always been an unhealthy relationship for me.

Last year when I started to figure out how to get my life back, I thought about the show and how the contestants motivate themselves. I realized, they do not typically motivate themselves, the trainers help them breakdown their issues and motivate them. It is only after they confront the mental and emotional blocks that they have any success. Instead of wondering where my personal 24/7 trainer was, I realized that I could get myself through the emotional and mental roadblocks. I have detailed my internal struggles repeatedly on this blog, so I am not going to talk at length about them, but The Biggest Loser showed me that losing weight is, at most, a 70% physical thing. That 30% of mental/emotional is just as important. I did not have a trainer yelling at me, pushing me and telling me I deserved better. I had to do it myself. When you start to dissect your choices, you realize how much you have been holding yourself back.

Once I stopped thinking only about "I wish I could do that" and started saying "I can do that" or "I will be able to do that" so much opened up for me. Yes, the workouts on The Biggest Loser are a big part of the show, but in my life, I cannot replicate those. I do not have the access they do. I do not have entire days to give to just focusing on my health. I have the stress of daily life looming. I have to find a job, or pay bills, deal with car trouble, or whatever other issues come up in a day. But, I have understood what The Biggest Loser teaches about the mental hurdles. The trainers are therapists as well as trainers. The contestants break down and cry and feel worthless and then they build themselves up as they realize what they are capable of doing. This is the shows biggest asset. It shows us what we are capable of when we stop making excuses.

This year the show is focusing on childhood obesity and they have three young ambassadors to help show the struggle of young obese people. These three people are incredibly brave. When I was 13, I would have never gone on a national television show for being obese. I was too scared. The young boy representative looks too much like me when I was that age. I cannot imagine what he is going through when Bob Harper comes to visit him, but every week I just hope this kid can figure it out. There is nothing I want more than for young people to not go through what I went through at that age. No one deserves that. The show is doing a great thing with these kids though. They never put the kids on a scale. They are just trying to teach an active lifestyle and a healthier diet. it is really tough for me to watch, but also it fills me with hope because if these 12-16 year old kids can put themselves out there to try and end the cycle of obesity, so can I.

These last few weeks I have found myself hitting big milestones. Yesterday I reached a new one by running for 10 minutes nonstop. I am pretty sure I have never done that before. I am doing things I was sure I was not capable of doing. Of course, I never tried them, but look at me. I am too obese to run nonstop for 10 minutes. NO I AM NOT!! When I finished my workout, I went outside and just became overwhelmed with emotion. I could not even cry, that is how full of emotion I was. I thought to myself that anything the people on The Biggest Loser can do, I can do. In the last few weeks I have done a 15 minute mile, I have done a few sit-ups, and now I have run nonstop for 10 minutes. I watch The Biggest Loser with a different perspective now. I no longer say I wish I could do those things, I say that I know I can do those things. I know that 9-15 lbs of weight loss a week is unrealistic, but I do know that if I work out daily and eat better, that the weight will come off in time. The Biggest Loser is a sprint, but my life, my experience, is a marathon. 2013 has already thrown me a serious life curve ball, but I am strong enough to stay up. I will figure this out and now I will conquer the ever elusive 12 minute mile!

My culture of can't

Sometime in December Living Social put up a really great deal for a CrossFit gym. I had been looking into it for a little bit because I had a few people who I know and respect tell me how much it was working for them. They said it would appeal to my competitive spirit. As I am always looking at ways to feed my competitive beast, I was curious. After doing some research, I felt it was something that could be of interest to me. Of course, I had no actual intention of doing it. I mean there was no way I could do all of that "stuff." Well, Martina, being the super smart woman she is, bought her Living Social first and then just kept dropping hints about how great it would be if we could go together. She really is a devilish woman. Unable to resist the logic and charms of my beautiful girlfriend, I bought the deal and we were going to use the new year to Springboard into it. Martina went a week before I went, but I joined her the next week. What follows will be my first two CrossFit experiences.

First off, the husband and wife who own the gym we attend are great. They are overwhelmingly positive and supportive. From the first moment I felt comfortable. I have NEVER felt comfortable in a gym. I have never felt comfortable around people who are in great shape because I always feel like they are judging me. I never felt that here. It was a very welcoming place. Cold as a frozen hell, but welcoming. We started off with a warm up consisting of a jog, push-ups, sit-ups, walking lunges, squats and wall/balls. The owner gave us modified versions of each exercise if we were struggling and kept reminding us not to hurt ourselves. It was about the most insanely painful thing I had ever experienced, but it also felt so good to be trying to do these things I had been telling myself I couldn't do since those awful President's fitness tests in middle school. Here I was, a day after a crazy 60 minute workout, pushing myself in ways I had never pushed myself. Then he showed us how to do these modified pull up things, which was weird and scary and uncomfortable, but also kind of fun. The workout used weights and more squats and felt like my senior year Weight Training class, which I never took seriously because I cheated the system. My teacher told us on day one that if your max weight lift gain went up over 40lbs during the semester you could not get less than a B. I pretended to make a pretty low weight my max, then goofed off all year, then lifted what I actually could lift at the end of class and my "max" went up 50 lbs and I got an A. I mean, I could not actually do any of the lifting. I was too weak.

Week two of Crossfit presented an interesting challenge: clapping push-ups. From the moment I found that out, I just kept saying "I can't, I can't, I can't." When the time came to do them, I resisted, but eventually knew I was going to be held accountable for it. I had to try. I got down and did 2 of them! The rest of them I did in a modified way, but if you include the modified ones which were still incredibly difficult, I did 5 sets of 5 push-ups. 25 push-ups over the span of 15 minutes along with doing these squats whose name escapes me right now, might seem like a little deal to many people, but this was monumental for me. This was me conquering 18 or 19 years of "I Can't." This was me doing everything I could to push almost two decades of negativity aside and at least trying to do something about it.

When it was over the female owner asked me how it was and I said "It was the hardest thing I can remember doing" and she held out her fist and said "Yeah, but you did it." I did it. This concept is still foreign to me. This idea of simply doing things is so strange. I did a 15 minute mile this week, simply because I stopped telling myself, "I can't." Never has such a little phrase held such power over me for so long. Last year I lost 40lbs and when I plateaued and when the holidays came and the weight stopped coming off, I did not tell myself "I can't lose anymore." I simply told myself to keep working.

This phrase "I can't" is something I am eliminating from my vocabulary. It is a phrase I never let my students say, and now it is a phrase I need to not say myself. I will run for 10 minutes non stop by the end of next week, because I know I can. The chains of "I can't" must be broken. I must free myself from the bounds of my own negativity. I must not let myself be kept in the prison of my own insecurities about what I am capable of. I cannot in good faith tell the people I love and care about that they are capable of great things, if I do not believe I am capable of great things. And let me be clear, me doing any kind of push-ups is a great thing. Any time we do something we did not know we were capable of it is a great thing. Please know that. Great things do not have to be these huge massive feats, they can be small feats that we previously felt we could not do. Anytime I feel myself pushing through a moment of "I can't" I feel empowered and every time we empower ourselves, it is a great moment. I doing everything I can to not let these small feats of greatness go noticed by myself. If next week, I can do a few more push-ups, that will be a milestone. It will be uncharted waters for me and it is only because dived off the island of can't and into the waters of can. Forgive the cheesy metaphor. It seemed good when I thought it.

The new year is 12 days long and I have not had any fast food or soda. I have been to the gym or walked for 15 minutes in a day 10 out of the 12 days. I feel stronger than I have in years. I feel healthier and happier than I can ever remembering feeling. I am expanding the scope of what I am capable of on a daily basis. On top of everything else, I got a job this week. It is kind of funny that when I finally decided to take control of my life, and started to feel better, things started to fall into place. The minute I stopped blaming the world for my life and started to look deep inside myself, I started to realize things could get better for me. And now it is happening. But it all starts with pushing aside the phrase "I can't." Trust me, you can. All you have to do is try and then be amazed at what you are actually capable of doing.

"Don't hold a glass over the flame" - Mumford and Sons

Last night I went to sleep with the idea that I would get up at around 8:30 when the kitten usually starts attacking my feet to wrestle me from slumber. I would get up, make breakfast and go to the gym for a short workout. I work tonight so I planned on keeping the workout short so I have the ability to stand for 7 hours. As often is the case, plans did not exactly work out. I was woken up by a phone call from the city of Sacramento wanting money for a ticket. Starting next week the hours at work are being cut and my already minimal paychecks are going to take another hit. Between all of my bills, I have no idea how any of this is going to work. The phone call this morning just sent me over the edge. When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I knew it was going to be a couch, junk food binge and television kind of day. Then I remembered my goals and everything that I was working for and I decided I needed to go to the gym, even if it was only for 15 minutes.

Begrudgingly I headed down to the gym, but I knew my workout playlist was not going to work for me today. I did not want upbeat songs. I was not in the mood for danceable music. Screw that noise. I needed something that appealed to my current state of mind, which was slightly bitter, somewhat anxious and mostly just angry. I knew I could find that in the voice of Mumford and Sons. The tempos are great for working out because when that banjo kicks in you just want to move as fast as humanly possible, but the lyrics and the vocals are thoughtful, introspective and rich with meaning. This workout was going to be quick and dirty and I needed to stay focused on my frustration. Mumford and sons was perfect for that.

The goal: 15 minutes on the treadmill. What follows is my own recounting of my time in the gym today.

Minute 1: Ugh, Maybe I should only go five minutes today. What is the point honestly? Nothing is working right now. Why am I even here?

Minute 3: (hearing Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,/ And I believe in grace and choice/ And I know perhaps my heart is fast,/ But I’ll be born without a mask) Why is my voice telling me to stop, that is not my voice. That is my fear, but my voice is not my fear and my fear is not my voice. I can push on!

Minute 8: Half way done. This is killing me. Why did I decide to go for 15 minutes? I am too fat for this nonsense. I bet if anyone came in they would think I am just some stupid guy who is going to quit his resolution in a few weeks. Maybe they are right. (then blasting through my ear buds: Now I'll be bold/ As well as strong/ And use my head alongside my heart "I'll be bold, as well as strong. I can do this." Did I just say that out loud? Yes I did. Time to turn up the speed a bit.

Minute 13: Two minutes until done. This was not too bad. Maybe I should go for 20 minutes. I can do this. Man this album is perfect for working out.

Minute 17: WHY?????? I can just stop now. I hit my 15 minute mark. Singing in my head: So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light/ 'Cause oh that gave me such a fright/ But I will hold as long as you like/ Just promise me we'll be alright Push it Kyle. see that light. Feel that light in the darkness. This too shall pass, right? Push through the pain.

Minute 20: Why stop now? Mumford sings of grace, heart, resilience, redemption and sacrifice. Am I not worth redemption? Am I not capable of sacrifice? I can do 30 minutes on a treadmill! Faster!!!

Minute 21: Why am I an idiot. This is so hard!

Minute 22: Mumford and Sons sings to me: But hold me fast, Hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/ And hold me fast, Hold me fast/ 'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under/ The skies I'm under And the banjo is kicking and Mumford is so full of life and trust in his voice and I am wrapped up in the poetry of the moment and I realize Mumford is talking to me. I will learn to live the skies I'm under. These are my skies, this is my life and I need to embrace it. I can embrace it. And most of all I can do 30 minutes on a damn treadmill because the alternative is watching television.

Minute 30: BOOM!!! Done! Nailed it! But what if I moved to the bike and put on Mumford's first album? No, I am done. Mumford sings: We will run and scream/ You will dance with me/ They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free I want to be free. I want to dance, run and scream. I can do a few minutes on the bike.


Minute 60: HOLY CRAP!!!!


Today I turned a begrudging 15 minute workout into an exhilarating 60 minute workout. I took myself to the brink of what I thought I could handle, and I jumped over that mental barrier. When the workout was over, I wandered for a few minutes outside and enjoyed the air and the sun with Mumford and Sons still blaring through my ear buds. Something clicked inside of me today. There was this spark ignited and I realized that the only thing stopping me is me. I killed it today and when it was done, I was not exhausted, I was energized and alive. If this post seems indulgent, I apologize, but I was seriously motivated through the lyrics of these songs. They spoke to me and helped me realize that hope and redemption are motivators. They showed me how resiliency and triumph can have every day functionality. It was quite a morning!