On a typical morning I wake up anywhere between 7:30 and 8:30, today was no different. I was stirred from my sleep around 7:45 by the sound of my poor sick and pained kitten receiving eye drops courtesy of Martina before Martina headed to work. I went on my walk/jog at 9:15. What follows is everything that happened in my brain between 7:45 and 9:15, and is not atypical for any given morning these days.
8:00 am: I should get out of bed, make some breakfast, let my food settle and go for a walk.
8:01 am: Why?? I am tired. I should stay in bed. My body aches from the stress of dealing with the cat this weekend. I have earned some extra sleep. Plus, I did not exactly get a ton of sleep last night because I was constantly worried about Daisy. Plus, if I go out for a walk, my body is just going to get sore, and my knee has been feeling sore for the last few days. Just Stay in bed for a little while then get up and make a huge filling and time consuming breakfast.
There it is, isn't it? When I look at the pros and cons of working out, the cons always outweigh the pros. There are a dozen or more things I enjoy doing more than working out. I would prefer to sleep, read, watch a movie, write, play video games, watch Orange is the New Black, eat, play with kittens and a host of other things. I am too tired. I am too achy. I am too stressed. I am too busy. I am not seeing results fast enough. WHAT IS THE DAMN POINT? The cons not only out number the pros, they are louder. That pesky pain in my right knee screams like it is being stabbed with a knife. The stress pounds repeatedly on my shoulders. My sleepy eyes heavy with exhaustion. It is so hard to hear over that. Sadly, this summer, I have listened to all of the cons way too much. My work outs have been spotty at best, full of the frustrating starts and stops that someone first driving a manual car feels. I cannot get any strong momentum going.
See, I can list 10-20 cons to getting up in the morning and working out and only 1 pro: To feel better. That is it. That is the only reason to exercise. It is simple and shockingly profound, but it is the only reason. If I want to feel better, I have to exercise. If I exercise regularly, suddenly so many of those cons dissipate. The pain in my knee lessens because my knee is getting stronger. That stress lessens because I am out working it out. I am thinking through the problems. I am getting my blood flowing. That sleepiness goes away because I sleep better at night after I work out. I just feel better. In fact, every facet of my day gets better. I do not feel lazy for playing video games after a work out. I get excited to try and cook new healthy dinners. I can even focus better on a book when I exercise in the morning because all of my senses are fired!
There may be 20 loud cons, and there maybe only 1 pro, but in terms of sheer weighted volume, the pro vastly outweighs the cons. The problem is remembering that. The problem is remembering how I felt this morning after walking/jogging over 3 miles. Yes, I was beat, and sweaty, and totally unequivocally gross, but I was also refreshed and felt like I had accomplished something. I was not lazy this morning, and in turn I played video games for much less time than I would have other wise. On days where I listen to that steady pro, I am not as accepting of a lifestyle of utter laziness.
Maybe other people have other reasons for exercising but I feel like they all come back to that one truth: We want to feel better about ourselves. Sure, for some it may be more of an image thing, but that still falls under the same umbrella. For me, I just want to feel like today I am better than the man I was yesterday. And I want to make it a challenge to be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
Today's soundtrack: Tech N9ne: Something Else. It is an album that pushed me to move faster and to think harder about my fitness goals because of how wonderfully honest the lyrics are. I would not recommend the album to anyone who is not a strict lover of rap music, though.
The goal now is to listen for the pro in the sea of noise that is the con list. It feels good to be back....today.
What started as a journey for physical and emotion health has morphed into something much bigger. Here you will find musings about my health journey, my teaching job, my re-entry into the world of academia, random thoughts about the world at large, books, movies, television, and ultimately my search for sustained happiness.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
The myth of the "friend zone."
Before I dive in: I know this is not what this blog is typically about. I have been wrestling with this for a few weeks and decided the only way to stop wrestling with it was to just write it. I will go back to my usual posts next week. Also, this is purely anecdotal. I am adding my voice to the dialogue only for those who know me. I am no trying to incite anything major, there are no studies cited, there is not social justice theoretical framework that is framing this post. It is a purely subjective blog post. Take it or leave it. Oh also, this is my personal experience, so it is going to be about male/female friendships, not those of someone attracted to the same sex having same sex friendships. Okay here goes.
In 9th grade I had a friend who had a bit of a reputation. Getting over the fact that these reputations existed in 9th grade, people assumed I was friends with her because I was hoping the stories of her sexual aggressiveness were true. When someone asked me about it, I said that we were not hooking up that person said "Well then, what's the point" as if the only reason to be friends with a sexually active female was to have sex with her. This person assumed that I wanted sex, but that she was unwilling to give it to me. This is when I became familiar with the "Friend Zone" term. This girl would go on to be a great to me through high school. In fact, that same year, my 9th grade class went to Ashland for the Shakespeare festival, and after someone who shoved me to the ground in the pouring rain, and I was unable to go change my clothes because we were running late for a show, this girl was the only person who would sit with me at the show. She was the only friend of mine who helped me clean up at the theater, and she was the only one who hung out with me during the rest of the trip after my other friends joined the chorus of people who were laughing at me. If friendship is measured by what I got out of it, well she was a great friend because she salvaged my first trip to Ashland.
All of my life I have had incredible female friends. I have also always had way more female friends than male friends. It is something that my ex-girlfriend could never get over. It started with that girl in 9th grade and has continued to this day. Over the years I have had people always mention how often I have been put in the Friend Zone, and I always reacted the way I was culturally told to act: disappointed. I would act like the victim I thought I was supposed to act like. I was acting upset that these girls did not want to have sex with me, but the reality is, I was not upset. I understand attraction. I get that friendship does not equal sex. I also understand that my life does not revolve around sex. When I look back on my life time of great female friendships, all I think about are the incredibly rich relationships I have with them. I think about all of the great life lessons I have learned through the friendships. You know the same things I learn in my male friendships, because FRIENDSHIP IS NOT ABOUT GETTING TO SEX.
I like to think that my girlfriend would confirm that I am a good boyfriend. She might even say I am a great boyfriend. I strive be the best boyfriend I can be on a daily basis, but I strongly believe I am, on my worst day,a good boyfriend. I have always attempted to treat my girlfriend in a way that her friends who have not met me would love me because of how she talks about me. I believe I accomplish this because of 2 things. First, I was raised by a wonderful man who treated my mom with incredible respect. Growing up my parents had regular date nights, and while my dad is not super affectionate, I took notice of how he treated my mother. The second reason I think I am able to accomplish this is because of all of my female friends. Over the years I took notice of what girls want. Yes, it gets frustrating when girls you like date jerks, but that was not because I thought they should be with me, but because I wanted them to be happy, and over the last 20 years of my life, I listened to what girls generally want. I got so much out of those friendships because each one made me a better person, and prepared me for the time when I met a girl who not only wanted to be my friend, but wanted to my partner in life, love, and friendship.
If you are looking at sex with women as the end game, you are not a nice guy, and you did not get put in the Friend Zone by a girl, you got put in the Asshole Zone, because that is what you are. I have no idea what would have happened if some of my female friends had had sex with me. Were there female friends I wanted to have sex with? Yes, absolutely, but who knows how different my life would have been. Would that relationship have been irrevocably damaged beyond repair? Would it have turned me in the kind of guy who was looking at sex as the end game? I have no idea, but I do know that I am thankful for every single female friend in my past. Friendship is not a consolation prize. Sex is not "first place" because sex is not a prize to be won. If you think a girl has put you in the Friend Zone, you are not actually friends with this girl. Friends do not turn their backs if sex is off the table. Yes, it can be difficult to have feelings for a girl and listen to her complain about her current boyfriend, and if it gets to be too much, just walk away because you are not doing yourself or her any favors, but please stop complaining about being in the Friend Zone. If you are actually a friend, you will listen to her, and be there for her even if the boyfriend is a jerk. Then, when the time comes that you find a girl who wants to be with you, remember all of those lessons you learned from your female friends and be the best boyfriend you can be, and continue to be the best friend you can be to your female friends.
I am the man I am today because of countless female friends, some of which I want to mention here in no particular order: Martina, Wendy, Marina, Jessica, Jessica, Taylor, Karly, Megan, Christina, Emylee, Lyndi, Cindy, Sarah, Erin, Joelle, Shirley, Malia, Megan, Andrea, Carolyn, Caitland, Lauren, Liz, Amanda, Tayler, Brandi, Brittany, China. Thank you ladies for helping me be a better friend. Thank you for helping me be a better human. Thank you for helping me be just better.
SO to answer the age old question about men and women being friends, yes they can be, and it is awesome.
In 9th grade I had a friend who had a bit of a reputation. Getting over the fact that these reputations existed in 9th grade, people assumed I was friends with her because I was hoping the stories of her sexual aggressiveness were true. When someone asked me about it, I said that we were not hooking up that person said "Well then, what's the point" as if the only reason to be friends with a sexually active female was to have sex with her. This person assumed that I wanted sex, but that she was unwilling to give it to me. This is when I became familiar with the "Friend Zone" term. This girl would go on to be a great to me through high school. In fact, that same year, my 9th grade class went to Ashland for the Shakespeare festival, and after someone who shoved me to the ground in the pouring rain, and I was unable to go change my clothes because we were running late for a show, this girl was the only person who would sit with me at the show. She was the only friend of mine who helped me clean up at the theater, and she was the only one who hung out with me during the rest of the trip after my other friends joined the chorus of people who were laughing at me. If friendship is measured by what I got out of it, well she was a great friend because she salvaged my first trip to Ashland.
All of my life I have had incredible female friends. I have also always had way more female friends than male friends. It is something that my ex-girlfriend could never get over. It started with that girl in 9th grade and has continued to this day. Over the years I have had people always mention how often I have been put in the Friend Zone, and I always reacted the way I was culturally told to act: disappointed. I would act like the victim I thought I was supposed to act like. I was acting upset that these girls did not want to have sex with me, but the reality is, I was not upset. I understand attraction. I get that friendship does not equal sex. I also understand that my life does not revolve around sex. When I look back on my life time of great female friendships, all I think about are the incredibly rich relationships I have with them. I think about all of the great life lessons I have learned through the friendships. You know the same things I learn in my male friendships, because FRIENDSHIP IS NOT ABOUT GETTING TO SEX.
I like to think that my girlfriend would confirm that I am a good boyfriend. She might even say I am a great boyfriend. I strive be the best boyfriend I can be on a daily basis, but I strongly believe I am, on my worst day,a good boyfriend. I have always attempted to treat my girlfriend in a way that her friends who have not met me would love me because of how she talks about me. I believe I accomplish this because of 2 things. First, I was raised by a wonderful man who treated my mom with incredible respect. Growing up my parents had regular date nights, and while my dad is not super affectionate, I took notice of how he treated my mother. The second reason I think I am able to accomplish this is because of all of my female friends. Over the years I took notice of what girls want. Yes, it gets frustrating when girls you like date jerks, but that was not because I thought they should be with me, but because I wanted them to be happy, and over the last 20 years of my life, I listened to what girls generally want. I got so much out of those friendships because each one made me a better person, and prepared me for the time when I met a girl who not only wanted to be my friend, but wanted to my partner in life, love, and friendship.
If you are looking at sex with women as the end game, you are not a nice guy, and you did not get put in the Friend Zone by a girl, you got put in the Asshole Zone, because that is what you are. I have no idea what would have happened if some of my female friends had had sex with me. Were there female friends I wanted to have sex with? Yes, absolutely, but who knows how different my life would have been. Would that relationship have been irrevocably damaged beyond repair? Would it have turned me in the kind of guy who was looking at sex as the end game? I have no idea, but I do know that I am thankful for every single female friend in my past. Friendship is not a consolation prize. Sex is not "first place" because sex is not a prize to be won. If you think a girl has put you in the Friend Zone, you are not actually friends with this girl. Friends do not turn their backs if sex is off the table. Yes, it can be difficult to have feelings for a girl and listen to her complain about her current boyfriend, and if it gets to be too much, just walk away because you are not doing yourself or her any favors, but please stop complaining about being in the Friend Zone. If you are actually a friend, you will listen to her, and be there for her even if the boyfriend is a jerk. Then, when the time comes that you find a girl who wants to be with you, remember all of those lessons you learned from your female friends and be the best boyfriend you can be, and continue to be the best friend you can be to your female friends.
I am the man I am today because of countless female friends, some of which I want to mention here in no particular order: Martina, Wendy, Marina, Jessica, Jessica, Taylor, Karly, Megan, Christina, Emylee, Lyndi, Cindy, Sarah, Erin, Joelle, Shirley, Malia, Megan, Andrea, Carolyn, Caitland, Lauren, Liz, Amanda, Tayler, Brandi, Brittany, China. Thank you ladies for helping me be a better friend. Thank you for helping me be a better human. Thank you for helping me be just better.
SO to answer the age old question about men and women being friends, yes they can be, and it is awesome.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Appreciating the only body I get
I am currently sitting in a Barnes and Noble, where I have been holed up for a few hours to escape the heat in the world, because, as I documented on Facebook yesterday, our air conditioning is broken. A broken A/C is the perfect cap to this current heat wave we are experiencing, right? Martina and I have been lucky to have great people around us to help when things go wrong, so we are doing just fine. Besides, in the grand scheme of life, a broken A/C unit seems relatively small. It makes summer days unpleasant, but there are enough places like B&N that exist to make it manageable. The heat, of course, is not the point of this post, but it relevant to my health.
Summer is currently a week old, and I am proud of my first week. I reached my steps goal 5 of my 6 days, and the day I did not get there, I got close (1 mile away). I ate all of the vegetables, including making stir fry for the first time, roasting broccoli for the first time, and spinach in my breakfast every day and spinach in my sandwiches on sandwich days. Outside of Wednesday night when Martina and I were celebrating, I cut out super salty snacks, and more importantly to my long term financial sanity, we only ate out 1 night. The start of this week has had complications because of the heat. Yesterday I did manage to go over my steps goal by 4,000 steps, but we have not been able to cook at home so far. So far, things are going well. However, I have not been able to truly find a solid rhythm in these things. I went out for walks a few days, but other days I have just relied on my every day browsing of shelves at B&N or Safeway for my steps. I have not yet begun my second daily work out, and I spent too much time during my first week playing video games and not enough reading or writing.
This is my 8th or 9th "Day One" since I began my journey 3 years ago. I have written extensively about Day One, and if I were more tech savvy, I would link to that post, so I am not going to rehash the Day One idea. I want to focus on my positives, in hopes of providing myself with a reminder that baby steps are important. Last summer is when I was at the height of my jogging and biking. I was straight up killing it because I had built a routine. I am slowly building that routine now. My alarm goes off at 8 every morning. Now, I have to actually GET UP when it goes off, instead of laying in bed for another hour. If I can actually get up at 8, I can get out on my morning walk/jog before 9, which is manageable with the heat levels these days. I also need to utilize the pool more. The big issue there is my appearance. I am still incredibly self conscious about all of the fat I am carrying all over my body. It is never an issue when I have Martina with me, but when I go down to a pool by myself, I am suddenly incredibly aware of how fat I am and how gross I feel/look. It is an issue I am continuing to work through, but my self conscious mind always believes everyone else is staring at me and being super grossed out by the pasty white flab swimming through the water. I know, with time, I will conquer this. The fact that I can be shirtless in my apartment is already huge progress for me.
Instead of agonizing over that self consciousness, I am going to focus on the positive. Buying shorts and buying swim trunks this week, was actually a painless process. I have been wearing the same pair of shorts for a few years because shopping for them is always a hassle. Not only was I able to find swim trunks that fit (I usually purchase swim trunks that are too small because it is what they have available), I found regular shorts that fit perfectly and are 5 sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. Beyond that, I finally felt comfortable buying a relatively thin t-shirt. Typically Big and Tall size shirts are thick, and do not breathe AT ALL, but this weekend I tried on a thinner shirt and felt comfortable in it. I am not as worried about how it lays against my rolls of fat, or worried about how OTHER people might feel about how I look in a shirt. When you are in 100 plus degree heat, the last thing I want is to be in a t shirt that does not breathe, and just collects sweat.
In keeping with the theme for summer, reconnecting, I am reconnecting with loving myself. It can be a trying thing, to look at yourself and just love what you see. I am not sure I have had long periods of time where I truly loved myself, but I am working hard to replicate those moments, and have them last longer. My body is the only body I get, so I need to appreciate it more. I have started by treating it better, but I have to realize that even if I lose all of this weight, it will still be the same body. I think sometimes I get lost in that. I keep thinking if I lose the weight, I will somehow get a "better" body. It will still be this body. It may look different, but it will still be the body that has been 1 fight. It will still be the same body that has been behind the wheel, for 10 fender benders, none of which were my fault. It will be the same body I had when I fell in love, got my heart broken and fell in love again. It is the same body that played sports as a kid, and danced in theater starting at age 15.
For some reason, just typing that last paragraph out feels freeing. It a lesson I am still learning, but there it is typed in the ink of the internet. I will love my body because it is the only body I get. I will love myself because this is the only *myself* I get. It starts with appreciating myself and my body. It starts with understanding how to treat myself and my body. It starts with treating myself and body well. it starts with understanding this is my body and this is the only body I get.
Summer is currently a week old, and I am proud of my first week. I reached my steps goal 5 of my 6 days, and the day I did not get there, I got close (1 mile away). I ate all of the vegetables, including making stir fry for the first time, roasting broccoli for the first time, and spinach in my breakfast every day and spinach in my sandwiches on sandwich days. Outside of Wednesday night when Martina and I were celebrating, I cut out super salty snacks, and more importantly to my long term financial sanity, we only ate out 1 night. The start of this week has had complications because of the heat. Yesterday I did manage to go over my steps goal by 4,000 steps, but we have not been able to cook at home so far. So far, things are going well. However, I have not been able to truly find a solid rhythm in these things. I went out for walks a few days, but other days I have just relied on my every day browsing of shelves at B&N or Safeway for my steps. I have not yet begun my second daily work out, and I spent too much time during my first week playing video games and not enough reading or writing.
This is my 8th or 9th "Day One" since I began my journey 3 years ago. I have written extensively about Day One, and if I were more tech savvy, I would link to that post, so I am not going to rehash the Day One idea. I want to focus on my positives, in hopes of providing myself with a reminder that baby steps are important. Last summer is when I was at the height of my jogging and biking. I was straight up killing it because I had built a routine. I am slowly building that routine now. My alarm goes off at 8 every morning. Now, I have to actually GET UP when it goes off, instead of laying in bed for another hour. If I can actually get up at 8, I can get out on my morning walk/jog before 9, which is manageable with the heat levels these days. I also need to utilize the pool more. The big issue there is my appearance. I am still incredibly self conscious about all of the fat I am carrying all over my body. It is never an issue when I have Martina with me, but when I go down to a pool by myself, I am suddenly incredibly aware of how fat I am and how gross I feel/look. It is an issue I am continuing to work through, but my self conscious mind always believes everyone else is staring at me and being super grossed out by the pasty white flab swimming through the water. I know, with time, I will conquer this. The fact that I can be shirtless in my apartment is already huge progress for me.
Instead of agonizing over that self consciousness, I am going to focus on the positive. Buying shorts and buying swim trunks this week, was actually a painless process. I have been wearing the same pair of shorts for a few years because shopping for them is always a hassle. Not only was I able to find swim trunks that fit (I usually purchase swim trunks that are too small because it is what they have available), I found regular shorts that fit perfectly and are 5 sizes smaller than when I was at my heaviest. Beyond that, I finally felt comfortable buying a relatively thin t-shirt. Typically Big and Tall size shirts are thick, and do not breathe AT ALL, but this weekend I tried on a thinner shirt and felt comfortable in it. I am not as worried about how it lays against my rolls of fat, or worried about how OTHER people might feel about how I look in a shirt. When you are in 100 plus degree heat, the last thing I want is to be in a t shirt that does not breathe, and just collects sweat.
In keeping with the theme for summer, reconnecting, I am reconnecting with loving myself. It can be a trying thing, to look at yourself and just love what you see. I am not sure I have had long periods of time where I truly loved myself, but I am working hard to replicate those moments, and have them last longer. My body is the only body I get, so I need to appreciate it more. I have started by treating it better, but I have to realize that even if I lose all of this weight, it will still be the same body. I think sometimes I get lost in that. I keep thinking if I lose the weight, I will somehow get a "better" body. It will still be this body. It may look different, but it will still be the body that has been 1 fight. It will still be the same body that has been behind the wheel, for 10 fender benders, none of which were my fault. It will be the same body I had when I fell in love, got my heart broken and fell in love again. It is the same body that played sports as a kid, and danced in theater starting at age 15.
For some reason, just typing that last paragraph out feels freeing. It a lesson I am still learning, but there it is typed in the ink of the internet. I will love my body because it is the only body I get. I will love myself because this is the only *myself* I get. It starts with appreciating myself and my body. It starts with understanding how to treat myself and my body. It starts with treating myself and body well. it starts with understanding this is my body and this is the only body I get.
Monday, June 2, 2014
The word of the summer: reconnect
Dear readers,
I apologize for the absence. Who knew teaching high school would be so time consuming? On top of being too time consuming to blog, it was actually too time consuming to keep myself moving in big positive steps with my health, which leads me to this letter to you faithful readers.
I am back. I am actually back, not saying I am back, and then never updating back, but back back. I am going to update this blog at least once a week for the entire summer, and if I get myself into the habit of doing it over the summer, I believe I will continue it once the next school begins. I am taking the same approach to working out. This year was a world of ups and downs as far as my physical health went and it is time to grab a hold of this elusive mistress I call health, and put a damn ring on it. My plan is simply to be active every day this summer. I want to be active in the morning and then again mid day or later. The goal is to walk/run every morning and then strength train/swim later in every day. I am determined to be in much better shape in a few months. I want to get to the point where I cannot handle a day where I am not active. The walking around campus is nice, but it did not get my where I want to go. Where do I want to go? I want to be healthy. That goal has not changed. Yes, I have learned to accept myself for my flaws, and strengths, but the goal is walk up a flight of stairs and be able to carry on a conversation without gasping for breath. The goal is to not feel like I am going to hurt myself getting out of bed. The goal is to lessen the strain on my knees, legs, and feet. The goal is to feel like I am going to live a long healthy life and I cannot do that the way I have been living for most of my life. It is time to reconnect with my body.
Besides the working out, I am continuing to experiment with food. I have maintained a fairly good diet over the last few months, but there were weeks when I was eating doughnuts for breakfast, and not eating lunch and then eating an awful dinner. I am not shooting for perfection, but I am shooting for better. My biggest fear (outside of clowns) is getting too complacent. I have a damn excellent life right now. I have the girl, the job, the cats, the friends. I mean what else could a guy truly need? Well, I can always get better. With food, Martina and I are trying to incorporate more vegetables into our diet. It is the summer of vegetables! Woo hoo! I love cooking and it is time to reconnect with that love of cooking, and eating healthy things that are tasty.
Outside of the physical health, it is time to reconnect to what feeds my soul. I am going to read more than a book a week this summer. Reading has long been one of my favorite leisurely activities and there are times when I get too involved in video games, television, or movies, that I forget how much I love to sit and read all day long. I have a lengthy list of books to read this summer and I am going to put a giant dent in it. I am going to reconnect with my writer's voice. Last year I wrote a novella that I am incredibly proud of and that the 6 people who have read it (would be 7 if someone would ever finish it. You know who you are!) have told me is great. Earlier this year I wrote a 3 page short story, that I think is one of the best things I have ever written. I shared it with my Pre-AP students on the last day of school, and they were all captivated by it, and it pumped me up. This summer, I want to think big...like big big. I am going to tackle a novel. I am going to research and start my novel with the hopes that when summer ends, I will keep writing.
Lastly in my summer of reconnecting, I am going to be out in the world more. The goal is to never go more than 2 days of spending the day alone in my apartment. I want to reconnect with the people in my life that I love, and I want to reconnect with the people I could love. This is my time to make an impact in my own life. I want to take day trips to places I have never been. I want to experience happy hours, and food from restaurants I have never been to before. I want to see people I have not seen in years, and take in their stories face to face, and not just through Facebook. If you live in the Sacramento area and want someone to go do things with, contact me. I am down.
I am blessed to be in a career that has a few months off every year. As much as the statement "I'm blessed" irks some dear friends, I am blessed. I have a career that I love and that challenges me, but also allows me to reboot my system. I can take this summer to do all of the things I laid out above, and still find time to be a better teacher next year. My last goal is to do just that: teach myself to be a better teacher. Research methods, find better, more rigorous activities and lessons, and ways to more fully engage my students.
I will reconnect with myself this summer and in doing so, I am hoping to reconnect to the joy I live for. I hope that my prolonged absence did not lose me any readers, but if it did, I hope I can reconnect with them and I hope that everyone comes along this journey with me. It has been a blast thus far, and it is only going to get better.
Sincerely,
Kyle
P.S. I will have another post this week dealing with a specific issue.
I apologize for the absence. Who knew teaching high school would be so time consuming? On top of being too time consuming to blog, it was actually too time consuming to keep myself moving in big positive steps with my health, which leads me to this letter to you faithful readers.
I am back. I am actually back, not saying I am back, and then never updating back, but back back. I am going to update this blog at least once a week for the entire summer, and if I get myself into the habit of doing it over the summer, I believe I will continue it once the next school begins. I am taking the same approach to working out. This year was a world of ups and downs as far as my physical health went and it is time to grab a hold of this elusive mistress I call health, and put a damn ring on it. My plan is simply to be active every day this summer. I want to be active in the morning and then again mid day or later. The goal is to walk/run every morning and then strength train/swim later in every day. I am determined to be in much better shape in a few months. I want to get to the point where I cannot handle a day where I am not active. The walking around campus is nice, but it did not get my where I want to go. Where do I want to go? I want to be healthy. That goal has not changed. Yes, I have learned to accept myself for my flaws, and strengths, but the goal is walk up a flight of stairs and be able to carry on a conversation without gasping for breath. The goal is to not feel like I am going to hurt myself getting out of bed. The goal is to lessen the strain on my knees, legs, and feet. The goal is to feel like I am going to live a long healthy life and I cannot do that the way I have been living for most of my life. It is time to reconnect with my body.
Besides the working out, I am continuing to experiment with food. I have maintained a fairly good diet over the last few months, but there were weeks when I was eating doughnuts for breakfast, and not eating lunch and then eating an awful dinner. I am not shooting for perfection, but I am shooting for better. My biggest fear (outside of clowns) is getting too complacent. I have a damn excellent life right now. I have the girl, the job, the cats, the friends. I mean what else could a guy truly need? Well, I can always get better. With food, Martina and I are trying to incorporate more vegetables into our diet. It is the summer of vegetables! Woo hoo! I love cooking and it is time to reconnect with that love of cooking, and eating healthy things that are tasty.
Outside of the physical health, it is time to reconnect to what feeds my soul. I am going to read more than a book a week this summer. Reading has long been one of my favorite leisurely activities and there are times when I get too involved in video games, television, or movies, that I forget how much I love to sit and read all day long. I have a lengthy list of books to read this summer and I am going to put a giant dent in it. I am going to reconnect with my writer's voice. Last year I wrote a novella that I am incredibly proud of and that the 6 people who have read it (would be 7 if someone would ever finish it. You know who you are!) have told me is great. Earlier this year I wrote a 3 page short story, that I think is one of the best things I have ever written. I shared it with my Pre-AP students on the last day of school, and they were all captivated by it, and it pumped me up. This summer, I want to think big...like big big. I am going to tackle a novel. I am going to research and start my novel with the hopes that when summer ends, I will keep writing.
Lastly in my summer of reconnecting, I am going to be out in the world more. The goal is to never go more than 2 days of spending the day alone in my apartment. I want to reconnect with the people in my life that I love, and I want to reconnect with the people I could love. This is my time to make an impact in my own life. I want to take day trips to places I have never been. I want to experience happy hours, and food from restaurants I have never been to before. I want to see people I have not seen in years, and take in their stories face to face, and not just through Facebook. If you live in the Sacramento area and want someone to go do things with, contact me. I am down.
I am blessed to be in a career that has a few months off every year. As much as the statement "I'm blessed" irks some dear friends, I am blessed. I have a career that I love and that challenges me, but also allows me to reboot my system. I can take this summer to do all of the things I laid out above, and still find time to be a better teacher next year. My last goal is to do just that: teach myself to be a better teacher. Research methods, find better, more rigorous activities and lessons, and ways to more fully engage my students.
I will reconnect with myself this summer and in doing so, I am hoping to reconnect to the joy I live for. I hope that my prolonged absence did not lose me any readers, but if it did, I hope I can reconnect with them and I hope that everyone comes along this journey with me. It has been a blast thus far, and it is only going to get better.
Sincerely,
Kyle
P.S. I will have another post this week dealing with a specific issue.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Moving on to year number 3
April first will mark the end of the second year of my journey to health. In year one I lost over 50 pounds and started to get a handle on my emotional health. In year two I lost a little under 30 pounds, putting my total weight loss thus far just a shade under 80 pounds. It does not feel like it that much, if I am being honest. I can see that I have lost weight, but I thought an 80 lb. loss would look much more dramatic. Of course, part of the reason why it does not look so dramatic is because I have a naturally wide and big frame. What I learned in year two is far more important than how much I lost though. In my second year of health, I stopped drinking soda completely, I have gone 3 full months without any fast food, and have only craved it twice. In my second year of health I did a hike I never would have imagined doing even 2 years ago. In my second year I learned how to conquer my fear. I have almost no fear of this journey now. A life lived with minimal fear is a stellar thing.
The last 365 days have taught me so much about myself. Last summer I very nearly had a teaching job, and then lost it last minute. Instead of throwing me into a tail spin, I just kept believing something would happen. Then something did happen and I landed a great job for a first year teacher. Year two saw Martina join me big time on a quest for health and now she has become the biggest inspiration for my own journey. Year two is when I really took my mental health by storm. I stopped blaming myself for the choices I made in my past. I stopped allowing other people to make me feel bad about myself. I started to truly get rid of the toxic relationships of my life. It was also the year I started to conquer real life problems. I am beginning to pay back my student loans (only 9 years left!!), I live on a real budget. I shop for food responsibly now. I look forward to learning how to cook delicious and healthy meals. I find myself Googling salad recipes randomly, I mean who does that?
Where does that leave me? I have 3 dress shirts that I love that I can no longer wear, but am still too obese to buy dress shirts in the "regular" section of a store. I am still obese. I still ache if I do too much walking. There is still so much work to be done. There is still so much weight to lose. There is still so much work to do until I feel healthy enough to feel like I am going to be on this planet for a long time. The best things I have going forward are optimism and history. I know that I can do it because each year I have gotten healthier in some way. I conquered a massive hike last weekend, a hike that a year ago I would have quit. I can conquer whatever comes next. The goal is to keep moving forward.
The big goal for this year is to take advantage of "me time" when I get it. This summer I will have bunches of time and I have a plan of how I am going to take advantage of it. Every day will consist of two work outs. Yes, two. In the morning I plan to run 6 days a week. The eventual goal is to conquer my fear of running a 5K with other people. Later in the day, I will be doing strength training. With the money I will save on gas from not driving 130 miles a day, I am going to get some personal training sessions at our gym. I need a good starting point. I believe this is going to be the year where I really conquer my physical health. I can feel it deep inside myself. I think I am overcoming those last things that have been holding me back. Also this summer I am planning to write a novel. I mention this because I think it will help me in my health quest because I am planning to write it about food addiction. I am already very excited about this summer and I just have 9 weeks to go until I get there.
3 years ago I never would have imagined doing the things I have done the last two years. It starts with being honest with myself and with everyone who has been reading over the years. I never imagined kicking my dependency on soda and energy drinks. I never thought I could go months without any fast food. I have basically eliminated beef from my regular diet. I eat chicken like a fiend now and growing up I hated it. I have gone on two pretty gnarly hikes. I spent a whole summer running nearly every day. I own running shoes. I wore out a pair of running shoes! I have forgiven myself for things I had been holding onto for nearly a decade. I have allowed people to help me when I have needed it. I have realized just how great life is. That last one might be cheesy, but so be it. I have spent so much of life oblivious to how great life can be, that now that I see it, I want everyone else around me to understand how great life can be.
I am thankful to everyone who has read this blog over the last two years. I am thankful for the people who continue to inspire me every day, and thankful for the people who have told me that I have inspired them because those people have, in turn, inspired me. I hope that people will continue to tune in because my journey to health is just getting good!!
The last 365 days have taught me so much about myself. Last summer I very nearly had a teaching job, and then lost it last minute. Instead of throwing me into a tail spin, I just kept believing something would happen. Then something did happen and I landed a great job for a first year teacher. Year two saw Martina join me big time on a quest for health and now she has become the biggest inspiration for my own journey. Year two is when I really took my mental health by storm. I stopped blaming myself for the choices I made in my past. I stopped allowing other people to make me feel bad about myself. I started to truly get rid of the toxic relationships of my life. It was also the year I started to conquer real life problems. I am beginning to pay back my student loans (only 9 years left!!), I live on a real budget. I shop for food responsibly now. I look forward to learning how to cook delicious and healthy meals. I find myself Googling salad recipes randomly, I mean who does that?
Where does that leave me? I have 3 dress shirts that I love that I can no longer wear, but am still too obese to buy dress shirts in the "regular" section of a store. I am still obese. I still ache if I do too much walking. There is still so much work to be done. There is still so much weight to lose. There is still so much work to do until I feel healthy enough to feel like I am going to be on this planet for a long time. The best things I have going forward are optimism and history. I know that I can do it because each year I have gotten healthier in some way. I conquered a massive hike last weekend, a hike that a year ago I would have quit. I can conquer whatever comes next. The goal is to keep moving forward.
The big goal for this year is to take advantage of "me time" when I get it. This summer I will have bunches of time and I have a plan of how I am going to take advantage of it. Every day will consist of two work outs. Yes, two. In the morning I plan to run 6 days a week. The eventual goal is to conquer my fear of running a 5K with other people. Later in the day, I will be doing strength training. With the money I will save on gas from not driving 130 miles a day, I am going to get some personal training sessions at our gym. I need a good starting point. I believe this is going to be the year where I really conquer my physical health. I can feel it deep inside myself. I think I am overcoming those last things that have been holding me back. Also this summer I am planning to write a novel. I mention this because I think it will help me in my health quest because I am planning to write it about food addiction. I am already very excited about this summer and I just have 9 weeks to go until I get there.
3 years ago I never would have imagined doing the things I have done the last two years. It starts with being honest with myself and with everyone who has been reading over the years. I never imagined kicking my dependency on soda and energy drinks. I never thought I could go months without any fast food. I have basically eliminated beef from my regular diet. I eat chicken like a fiend now and growing up I hated it. I have gone on two pretty gnarly hikes. I spent a whole summer running nearly every day. I own running shoes. I wore out a pair of running shoes! I have forgiven myself for things I had been holding onto for nearly a decade. I have allowed people to help me when I have needed it. I have realized just how great life is. That last one might be cheesy, but so be it. I have spent so much of life oblivious to how great life can be, that now that I see it, I want everyone else around me to understand how great life can be.
I am thankful to everyone who has read this blog over the last two years. I am thankful for the people who continue to inspire me every day, and thankful for the people who have told me that I have inspired them because those people have, in turn, inspired me. I hope that people will continue to tune in because my journey to health is just getting good!!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
2014: The year of cutting out the nonsense
This post comes courtesy of a two hour long brunch with my best friend Erik. As Erik recently turned 30 and I am about to head into my mid-30s, we were having a conversation about how things have changed as we have gotten older, and one of the biggest changes we have found recently, is that we are done dealing with the nonsense. To be honest, the word we used was not nonsense, but this is a family safe blog, so I made the decision to censor myself here.
Over the last few years, I have talked at length about getting rid of the toxic people/things in my life, and to be honest, it has been awesome. This new attitude goes beyond that. It gets at this idea that I feel like I am at a place in my life, where I do not have time for games or double speak or passive aggressive behaviors. I am at a place in my life, where I want to be up front with people and I expect them to do the same, and if they are not going to be up front, it is time to stop wasting energy on their collective nonsense. I have become more liberal about blocking/unfriending/unfollowing people from various social media sites if I get tired of the nonsense. This is not about getting rid of people who disagree with me, but getting rid of people who are posting things just to get a rise out of people without really paying attention to what they are posting, especially not researching stupid memes. This is about getting rid of people who complain nonstop about awful things are, but do nothing to fix their personal situation. This is about making my entire social media experience more worthwhile.
It is also about not wasting time on people who are not really important to me. I have enough people in my life who actually care, that why would I waste time on people who clearly do not care about my life? When you start to think about who matters NOW as opposed to who has mattered in the past, life gets much more focused. At some point, the past has to stay in the past. This is something we have been discussing in class recently, as we read through The Great Gatsby. My students get stuck on things they cannot change, and I have some students who are trying so hard to recapture a moment with a specific person, and we are reading this book about a guy who destroys multiple lives by doing that. It is possible to acknowledge having loved someone, and yet still allow yourself to truly move on in life to something bigger and better.
This also gets at the idea of just putting yourself out there without worrying too much about what other people will think. Last week I had the opportunity to spend a few days in Utah with a bunch of people I had never met. If this had happened in my 20s, I would have probably had a miserable time. I would have ordered almost no food, I would not have said anything that could have been taken in a way different from I meant it, and no one would have gotten to know me. This time, I had no shame in ordering whatever food I wanted to eat. I went back from seconds if I still felt hungry, and I felt like I was very open about who I am, the kind of teacher I am, and the kind of life I lead. There was a time when I avoided any conversation about my background in the Mormon faith. But on this trip, I was very upfront about it. I was going to tell people who I was and let them decide if I was someone they wanted to talk to. it was a completely freeing experience. The minute you allow yourself to just be you, flaws and all, everything gets infinitely more clear. You gain insight into yourself, and how you relate to other people. I knew that this person wanted to talk to me because of who I am, not because of who I was trying to be.
For years I tried to be everything to everyone else, and I allowed myself to be sucked into the nonsense. I bought all of the nonsense. I was not taking care of myself, and I was not growing, or learning anything about how I related to the world honestly. 2014 is going to go down as the year where I learned to honestly communicate to the world. I preach honesty in my classroom above all else. I ask my students for honest feedback because how can I grow as a teacher if the people who are being taught by me do not have a way to express how I am doing. it has led to an awesome, if sometimes overwhelming, dialogue between myself and my students, but also among my students themselves. I believe that I have an obligation to my students to practice what I preach, so that is my big key right now. If you ask me something, I am going to cut through the nonsense. If you want to know something about me, I am going to cut through the nonsense. Be prepared for truth. I cannot promise it will always be tactful, but it will always be sincere. Let us all practice sincere honesty. Let us all put our real selves out there because that way we know who is really there for us, and not just because we are pretty.
2014: Down with the nonsense, up with the sincere honesty. let's make it a thing!
Over the last few years, I have talked at length about getting rid of the toxic people/things in my life, and to be honest, it has been awesome. This new attitude goes beyond that. It gets at this idea that I feel like I am at a place in my life, where I do not have time for games or double speak or passive aggressive behaviors. I am at a place in my life, where I want to be up front with people and I expect them to do the same, and if they are not going to be up front, it is time to stop wasting energy on their collective nonsense. I have become more liberal about blocking/unfriending/unfollowing people from various social media sites if I get tired of the nonsense. This is not about getting rid of people who disagree with me, but getting rid of people who are posting things just to get a rise out of people without really paying attention to what they are posting, especially not researching stupid memes. This is about getting rid of people who complain nonstop about awful things are, but do nothing to fix their personal situation. This is about making my entire social media experience more worthwhile.
It is also about not wasting time on people who are not really important to me. I have enough people in my life who actually care, that why would I waste time on people who clearly do not care about my life? When you start to think about who matters NOW as opposed to who has mattered in the past, life gets much more focused. At some point, the past has to stay in the past. This is something we have been discussing in class recently, as we read through The Great Gatsby. My students get stuck on things they cannot change, and I have some students who are trying so hard to recapture a moment with a specific person, and we are reading this book about a guy who destroys multiple lives by doing that. It is possible to acknowledge having loved someone, and yet still allow yourself to truly move on in life to something bigger and better.
This also gets at the idea of just putting yourself out there without worrying too much about what other people will think. Last week I had the opportunity to spend a few days in Utah with a bunch of people I had never met. If this had happened in my 20s, I would have probably had a miserable time. I would have ordered almost no food, I would not have said anything that could have been taken in a way different from I meant it, and no one would have gotten to know me. This time, I had no shame in ordering whatever food I wanted to eat. I went back from seconds if I still felt hungry, and I felt like I was very open about who I am, the kind of teacher I am, and the kind of life I lead. There was a time when I avoided any conversation about my background in the Mormon faith. But on this trip, I was very upfront about it. I was going to tell people who I was and let them decide if I was someone they wanted to talk to. it was a completely freeing experience. The minute you allow yourself to just be you, flaws and all, everything gets infinitely more clear. You gain insight into yourself, and how you relate to other people. I knew that this person wanted to talk to me because of who I am, not because of who I was trying to be.
For years I tried to be everything to everyone else, and I allowed myself to be sucked into the nonsense. I bought all of the nonsense. I was not taking care of myself, and I was not growing, or learning anything about how I related to the world honestly. 2014 is going to go down as the year where I learned to honestly communicate to the world. I preach honesty in my classroom above all else. I ask my students for honest feedback because how can I grow as a teacher if the people who are being taught by me do not have a way to express how I am doing. it has led to an awesome, if sometimes overwhelming, dialogue between myself and my students, but also among my students themselves. I believe that I have an obligation to my students to practice what I preach, so that is my big key right now. If you ask me something, I am going to cut through the nonsense. If you want to know something about me, I am going to cut through the nonsense. Be prepared for truth. I cannot promise it will always be tactful, but it will always be sincere. Let us all practice sincere honesty. Let us all put our real selves out there because that way we know who is really there for us, and not just because we are pretty.
2014: Down with the nonsense, up with the sincere honesty. let's make it a thing!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A conversation with a student
Last week I subbed in a P.E class, which in and of itself is not news. I have subbed in a drama class, a math class, and now P.E. The kids had what essentially wound up being a free play day. I passed out basketballs, volley balls, and soccer balls. The students just had to be playing one of those three sports for the 40 minutes of class. Once class started I picked up a basketball and started shooting hoops with one of the students who happened to be a student of mine from one of my actual classes. We chatted about everything and nothing while we shot hoops and it was fun for me, and I think fun for him. At some point, I decided I needed to stop playing basketball and start just watching the students. The student took this opportunity to ask me a bit about some rumors he had heard from other students. He asked if it was true that I had lost like 70 lbs recently and I responded that I had. He hesitated after that, but I could tell that he had more he wanted to ask, so I told him that I was pretty open to talking about my battles with weight if he wanted to ask more. The first question he asked afterwards was whether I had a tough time in high school because of my weight. As soon as he asked he apologized, and said that he was just curious because I seemed so happy and confident, and he was wondering if I was always that way.
I thought about it for a few moments before responding because I wanted to come across as honest, but hopeful. I wanted to answer in a way that my student could maybe take something away from the conversation and feel like he was okay. I could tell he was asking because he, himself, is over weight. He is not obese by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a bit on the heavy side. After what probably seemed like hours, I told him that in middle school I cried almost every day after school because of how mean everyone was. I told him that I do not have any of my middle school yearbooks because other students stole it and wrote really mean anonymous things about me in them. Then I told him that high school was an absolute blast for me. I told him that my battle with weight has always been a struggle, but when I stop making it an issue for myself, it never bothers me when other people tried to make it an issue. I told him that when I was younger I used to think my weight caused my unhappiness, but really, I used it as a crutch to make excuses for why I did not do things with people in high school. The fact of that matter is, high school was a ton of fun for me when I let myself just enjoy it. Then I turned to him and told that that college was awesome, and that while my life has had the same amount of ups and downs as many other people, recently, I have tried to focus on the positives in my life and it has done wonders for me in every aspect.
The young man sat there when I was done like he was not entirely sure what to do with the information, so I tried to approach it from another angle. I asked him if he was unhappy, and he said that he felt like his extra weight was holding him back from being social. He worried that people would judge him for being chubby. He wanted to know what I did to start losing the weight, and if it would be too hard for him. It was in that moment that I realized just how much of an impact this conversation could potentially have. It caused me to really look inside myself as a teacher, and as a person. I love to teach my students the ins and outs of grammar, and the symbolic nature of the green light that remains just out of Jay Gatsby's reach, but my first job is to help young people. I told this absolute joy of a young man that I stopped playing sports because I was afraid of what people would say about me because I was fat. I was miserable until I found theater. I told him that finding something you love to do will help alleviate a bunch of that anxiety. Connecting to other people around a common interest makes things easier. I then told him that my weight started coming off when I stopped wishing for a quick way to lose weight and started to put the work in. I told him that the short cuts never stick. The only way to get healthy is to work at it. I told him that the best thing he could do was to stop drinking the 2 liters of soda I often see him with, and for him to shoot hoops every day, or find a physical activity he enjoys and repeat it.
The conversation went on, and I think that when it ended, he left feeling better about where he was headed. The conversation has stuck with me for the last 4 or 5 days. My sophomore year in high school I was struggling mightily with myself. It was actually kind of scary when I look back on it. A friend of mine found some writing of mine that worried her, and not knowing what to do from there, she talked to our biology teacher about it. My parents were called (I did not know this at the time), and the administration was informed, but my teacher asked my parents, the counselors, and the vice principal if he could talk to me about what was going on. His name was Mr. Rathbun. One day he asked me if I would come to his class after school to help him move stuff around his classroom, and when I showed up, he sat me down and talked to me for nearly two hours. He did so without judgement, without any concrete answers, and without any stories of his own to connect to what was happening. For two hours I felt the safest I had felt since elementary school. It was a powerful life changing moment for me, and if I really think about it, it is kind of the reason being a teacher always sounded like a good option for me.
I am not saying the conversation I had with this student will be as profound to him as my conversation with Mr. Rathbun was to me, but it was a great reminder that teenagers are fragile, that they are still looking for their way, and that maybe I can help in some way because I understand what many of them are going through, and maybe my willingness to be open with my students about my struggles is one of my biggest strengths as a teacher. It reminded me that more than anything else, it is my job to make sure my students feel safe when they are with me. It also reminded me that one of the reasons I am trying to get healthy is to be a better role model for my students. It helped get me back focused on my task and made me really think about different I hope to look after summer. Weird, many people want to get in shape for summer so they can show off their beach bodies, but I want to be more in shape after summer, so I can be a better role model for my students.
I really hope this post did not come off as self indulgent, but I fear it has. I hope you know that is not the spirit of this post.
I thought about it for a few moments before responding because I wanted to come across as honest, but hopeful. I wanted to answer in a way that my student could maybe take something away from the conversation and feel like he was okay. I could tell he was asking because he, himself, is over weight. He is not obese by any stretch of the imagination, but he is a bit on the heavy side. After what probably seemed like hours, I told him that in middle school I cried almost every day after school because of how mean everyone was. I told him that I do not have any of my middle school yearbooks because other students stole it and wrote really mean anonymous things about me in them. Then I told him that high school was an absolute blast for me. I told him that my battle with weight has always been a struggle, but when I stop making it an issue for myself, it never bothers me when other people tried to make it an issue. I told him that when I was younger I used to think my weight caused my unhappiness, but really, I used it as a crutch to make excuses for why I did not do things with people in high school. The fact of that matter is, high school was a ton of fun for me when I let myself just enjoy it. Then I turned to him and told that that college was awesome, and that while my life has had the same amount of ups and downs as many other people, recently, I have tried to focus on the positives in my life and it has done wonders for me in every aspect.
The young man sat there when I was done like he was not entirely sure what to do with the information, so I tried to approach it from another angle. I asked him if he was unhappy, and he said that he felt like his extra weight was holding him back from being social. He worried that people would judge him for being chubby. He wanted to know what I did to start losing the weight, and if it would be too hard for him. It was in that moment that I realized just how much of an impact this conversation could potentially have. It caused me to really look inside myself as a teacher, and as a person. I love to teach my students the ins and outs of grammar, and the symbolic nature of the green light that remains just out of Jay Gatsby's reach, but my first job is to help young people. I told this absolute joy of a young man that I stopped playing sports because I was afraid of what people would say about me because I was fat. I was miserable until I found theater. I told him that finding something you love to do will help alleviate a bunch of that anxiety. Connecting to other people around a common interest makes things easier. I then told him that my weight started coming off when I stopped wishing for a quick way to lose weight and started to put the work in. I told him that the short cuts never stick. The only way to get healthy is to work at it. I told him that the best thing he could do was to stop drinking the 2 liters of soda I often see him with, and for him to shoot hoops every day, or find a physical activity he enjoys and repeat it.
The conversation went on, and I think that when it ended, he left feeling better about where he was headed. The conversation has stuck with me for the last 4 or 5 days. My sophomore year in high school I was struggling mightily with myself. It was actually kind of scary when I look back on it. A friend of mine found some writing of mine that worried her, and not knowing what to do from there, she talked to our biology teacher about it. My parents were called (I did not know this at the time), and the administration was informed, but my teacher asked my parents, the counselors, and the vice principal if he could talk to me about what was going on. His name was Mr. Rathbun. One day he asked me if I would come to his class after school to help him move stuff around his classroom, and when I showed up, he sat me down and talked to me for nearly two hours. He did so without judgement, without any concrete answers, and without any stories of his own to connect to what was happening. For two hours I felt the safest I had felt since elementary school. It was a powerful life changing moment for me, and if I really think about it, it is kind of the reason being a teacher always sounded like a good option for me.
I am not saying the conversation I had with this student will be as profound to him as my conversation with Mr. Rathbun was to me, but it was a great reminder that teenagers are fragile, that they are still looking for their way, and that maybe I can help in some way because I understand what many of them are going through, and maybe my willingness to be open with my students about my struggles is one of my biggest strengths as a teacher. It reminded me that more than anything else, it is my job to make sure my students feel safe when they are with me. It also reminded me that one of the reasons I am trying to get healthy is to be a better role model for my students. It helped get me back focused on my task and made me really think about different I hope to look after summer. Weird, many people want to get in shape for summer so they can show off their beach bodies, but I want to be more in shape after summer, so I can be a better role model for my students.
I really hope this post did not come off as self indulgent, but I fear it has. I hope you know that is not the spirit of this post.
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