Looking forward to 2013

Now that I have fully reflected on the year that is almost behind us, it is time to look forward to the new year. Resolutions are a slippery slope. With a resolution, there is a stigma. This idea that you work super hard in January and then not so much after that. It becomes tradition to have a series of resolutions that you ignore after month one of the new year. Hell, it happens to me every year. However, this year, I feel like I have a renewed sense of who I am and more importantly, who I want to be. So I am not thinking of them as resolutions, but as goals. I have a series of goals I am shooting for in this coming year. By putting them here, you all get to hold me accountable for them. 2012 was a new beginning for me. 2013 has to be taking that new beginning and pushing it further. I did well in 2012. I did enough to make to the make playoffs, but I was Yankees. I made it to the playoffs, but I could not get to the championship. I need to work harder so I can be the Giants. World Series Champions in 2 out of the last 3 years. So I have to have a good plan of attack and it has to be all encompassing. This is, remember, not just about my physical well being, after all. So what I have done is break this into sections.

My physical health:

The first thing I need to do is eliminate all fast food and all soda. I have done a good job of limiting them, but I need to kick them completely. My mind no longer wants them, and my body can no longer really handle them, so I have to remind myself of that and just stay away. I believe my biggest 2012 triumph was eliminating Rockstars from my diet, so this is the logical next step! In terms of food I also am going to expand my culinary adventures by cooking something new once a week. I want to make sure I do not get bored of eating the same things, so I need to add new recipes. I will be making sure they are healthy meals, but I want to be able to expand what I know how to cook. I want to figure out what will actually fill me up and what better way to do that than by trying all kinds of fun new dishes!

I need to ramp up my physical activity too. I need to get back in the regular habit of going to the gym. I want to go down there 6 days a week for at least 30 minutes a day unless we have a busy day at work, then I will go for 15 minutes, but I need to stay in the habit. I also want to start playing sports again. I want to buy a basketball and shoot hoops here at my apartment complex. I need to make sure I do something active every single day. I cannot let myself sit on the couch all day at all. I need this to be a serious habit for me. Also, I have decided I want to sign up for 3 5Ks this coming year. I want to spread them out and improve on each one, but my goal is to sign up and participate in 3 different ones this year. This is going to be one of my biggest challenges! Once I have acquired a full time teaching job, I want to sign up for a real gym and spend some time with a trainer to help me figure out what would be best for me.

My mental/emotional/creative health

I find that I am happier when I read more, so it stands to reason that I need to read often. My goal is to read a book a week this year. I know this will be tough when I get busier, but I need to make the time to do this because it does make me happy and it calms me down. It also stokes my creative juices, which leads me to my next one which is to write more for me. I love this blog and I love reviewing movies, but I need to write for me. I have a story idea and the beginnings of a story, so I need to give myself time to flush it out. This means setting aside time every month to just write, which is what I plan to do. I want to have a good working draft of this story before my birthday in July. From there I can figure out goes next, but this is something I need to feel like I am still challenging myself creatively. I also am setting a goal to spend less time on my cell phone. I want to put away all of the electronics and enjoy the world around me.

I also want to continue this honesty thing within myself and with other people. I want to continue to get at the root of my issues. I am not sure if this will be a meditation thing, or if the writing will help with it, but I know I like feeling cleansed and I will continue to do that. I also am setting a goal to talk more when things are bugging me and talking to the person the problem is with. I know allowing things to build up has not done me any good in my life. I need to trust the people who love me that if I have a problem we can work it out together and not that the other person is going to just toss me aside. I need to work on strengthening my relationships with people and be open to starting new friendships and working hard at them to make them work. I also want to continue to be the kind of guy who is worthy of such an awesome girlfriend. I know working on myself will help strengthen the relationship Martina and I have and that is incredibly important to me.


So there you have it, 2013 is around the corner and I, for one, am excited. In fact, this might be the most excited I have been to start a new year. I feel good about myself and am now working on feeling great about myself. What about you? What are some of the ways you are going to try and better yourself this year? How can we help push each other? Remember, if you read this, I am here for you and am rooting for you! Together we are Giant!!

We must look back before looking forward

The other day while I was at work my manager was talking to me and randomly she stopped the conversation, looked at me and said "Kyle, you might be the most cheerful employee we have had in a long time." Me, cheerful? That cannot possibly be. I am not cheerful. Hell, I had a teacher in high school who was constantly talking about my pessimistic demeanor. I have never been mistaken for a cheerful guy. It left me thinking because I have been been hearing that a lot lately. People telling me "You look really happy" or some variation that includes a synonym of cheerful. The key is that they are not saying I am "acting" cheerful, just that I am cheerful. This is a sharp turn from where I have spent so much of my life. I have no idea if people have really known just how unhappy I have been for most of my life. When you try your best to be funny, and to be a person who everyone else can lean on, I am not sure the world can tell that you hate yourself, which is kind of the point. Now, though, I realize that I am happy and I am cheerful. I think for the first time in my life, I am just happy with who I am and where things are going. It is a strange feeling and I one that I think I occasionally still try to resist.

That fact of the matter is, being happy takes work. I have seen this article from Cracked.com around Facebook, and it is about the work it takes to change your situation in life and find a way to be happy. Well, these last 7 months have been all about trying to change my situation. it has been about looking inside myself and figuring out all of this "stuff" that has been holding back. It was about trying to realize why I spent so much of my day putting myself down. It was about figuring out why I take every chance at happiness and find a way to talk myself out of it. It has been about finding out who I have been, who I am and who I hope to be. It has been tough, and I know it will continue to be tough. It is much easier to sit on the couch playing video games, than it is to go to the gym, or go on a walk. It is much easier to order pizza, or go to fast food, than it is to plan, prepare and cook a meal. it is easier to complain about the ills of your life than it is to really sit down and analyze why you feel a certain way. Frankly speaking, this year has been crazy exhausting. It has been all been worth it. 2012 has been, at times, the most frustrating year of my life, but it has also been the most rewarding. And now it is ending and people are telling me I look happy. Not that I am acting happy, but that I look happy. I have a general look of happiness. I am a cheerful person. I cannot really wrap my head around it.

let me be clear, this is the best news of this year. Yes, I have an amazing girlfriend, who I can credit for helping me figure this out. I finished my Teaching Credential this year and due to my student teaching, I know for sure I want to teach. I know exactly what I want to do, and it has added to this monumental year. But more than anything, it has been my own work that has made me feel better. I am roughly 45 pounds lighter than I was to start the year, which is key, but it is more than that. In all honesty, if I kept living my life this way, but never lost anymore weight, I would still feel so much better about myself. I feel as if this year I unlocked something within myself that had been stuffed down by self doubt, constant negativity and downright loathing. Now, I understand so much of why these nagging feelings persisted for so long. It is so freeing. The biggest moment of self realization was when I realized, my weight was not the only thing making my unhappy, I just hid behind it, because it was the easiest thing to point to. It was the obvious thing. Now that I have realized that, I have been working on everything else. I am freeing myself from my toxins. A soul cleanse, if you can allow me a moment to be that guy.

Happiness is a choice. It seems like such a stupid thing to say, but it is. We make a choice to do what it takes to be happy, or we make a choice that it is too much work and we lay in bed with Netflix and sleep away the sadness. It took me a long time to figure that out, because it required looking into the abyss of ugliness about myself. This journey, and the ability to share it with all of my real life and cyber friends has caused me to unchain myself from the bonds of my own unhappiness. I am not no longer a slave to my own sadness. I am no longer a slave to fast food. I am no longer a slave to really sugary drinks. I am more active than I have ever been and I am in less constant pain in my legs than I have ever been. Bad days no longer completely destroy me, because I understand myself better now. I understand that bad days are not the universe personally slapping me and keeping me down. Even though I do not have the job I want, I look forward to waking up in the morning these days. I cannot remember the last time where I went months of actually enjoying getting up and being out in the world. Martina might be able to refute this, but I do not think I complained once while we were wandering around the Galleria yesterday and that is insane. For years I hated being out in the world for that long.

2012 will go down as one of the most memorable years of my life. I completed a teaching credential which began when I decided to go back to college to get my degree back in 2004. I got to play one of my dream roles as the Pharaoh in "Joseph." I took a giant flying leap of faith in my relationship by moving in with Martina, which has turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. I think, however, I will most fondly remember this year for this blog and what this journey has done for me. When I walk down the street I look up at the world now, not down at my feet. I smile at strangers, in the least creepy way possible, I hope. I answer my phone when people call me. When I get invited out, I always actually try to find a way to go out. I enjoy the company of more than like four people in my life. This is all because one day I just had enough of feeling broken all of the time. I got tired of waiting to be fixed and decided to fix myself. No one was going to fix me, except for me.

The last thing I want to say, is that a byproduct of this blog that I did not expect, is this sense of community I feel. I often get e-mails or Facebook messages of encouragement, or stories of triumph from friends, or even people just knowing I will listen without judgement as they emotionally purge something that is going on in their lives. I love it all. I hope, as this blog and journey continue, that you will all continue to contribute. The support is lovely. Dare I say, I love you all in some way.

My once favorite meal

One of the most fascinating aspects of NBC's The Biggest Loser is when they show what the favorite meal of each contestant was and how bad it was for the contestant. One of the main reasons I never felt I could actually be on that show is because of this episode. Typically the favorite meal has thousands and thousands of calories. These are people who just eat and eat and eat. I am not that way. I always get just a bit offended when people tell me I should go on that show. I know they all mean it in the best way possible because generally the people in my life think America would just fall in love with me, because of all my awesomness. However, I do not see myself as being unhealthy enough for that show. I am obese, but the guys on that show start at least 50lbs heavier than I was at my biggest. That is getting beside the point. The point is the meal. During the course of this journey I have done a pretty good job of cutting back on all fast food. I have had fast food less than 20 times since March. I am not where I want to be, but groceries have still been an issue, so I do occasionally get some fast food. I have only had fast food burgers five or six times since march, which is pretty remarkable for me. For a while I have had this idea to revisit my once favorite meal and track how I felt buying it and eating it.

I am finally feeling better and got back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks, so I decided today was a good day to give this is a shot. For those of you who do not know, my favorite meal has long been the Double Western Bacon Cheesburger from Carl's Jr. I used to get it with a large order of chili cheese fries and a large Dr. Pepper. This was my go-to meal for many occasions. It was comfort food, celebration food, late night post-work food and any other occasion I could concoct in my brainspace. I have always known it was just a terrible meal, but I could not help myself. I craved it. It immediately made me feel better, even if that glorious feeling was fleeting, which of course, it was. Most glorious fast food feelings are fleeting. That is how fast food works. Before I go into the experience today, let's chart some of the nutritional value of this meal:

Burger: up to 1,000 calories, almost 2,000mg of sodium, and 15 grams of sugar
Chili cheese fries: 820 calories, nearly 2,000mg of sodium,
Large Dr. Pepper (44oz): 534 calories, 128 grams of sugar.

Doing the math that is 2,354 calories in one meal. A few weeks ago I had to track my food intake for 3 days and the recommended caloric intake for me for the day was roughly 2,700 calories and because I am trying to lose weight, I was coming in at less than 2,000 calories a day. What that means is every time I eat this meal, I was nearly at my recommended caloric intake for the ENTIRE DAY!!

First of all, I felt judged ordering this meal today. I could feel the judgement dripping off the voice of the woman in the drive-thru. Secondly, they were out of Dr. Pepper. To apologize, they threw in onion rings for free. Oh great, just throw fried food at the fatty to appease him! I had to settle for Cherry Coke. The whole way home I could just feel my stomach screaming at me not to throw this food down my throat. For years I constantly craved this meal and here I am nearly a year removed from eating it, and now everything in my body was telling me not to. This is huge progress for me. I am not sure why I cannot stop craving soda, but at least my body no longer craves this burger. In fact, I am rejecting the burger. Still, I soldiered on. If you know anything about my eating habits, you know they are weird. I always put part of my favorite part of the meal off to the side to eat it at the end. I eat all of one thing before moving onto the next. With fast food, I always eat the fries before the burger. It is how I roll. As soon as I opened the container featuring the fries, I started to regret this decision. Just the smell of these chili cheese fries was turning my stomach. However, at the first bite, I was in heaven. God, the taste good. Why did I ever leave you chili cheese fries? 8 bites in now, oh man, this is not going well. Why stomach, why?? It is like I am eating, but nothing is being quenched. I am still so hungry, it does not taste good, and it is just draining my energy. Last two bites, should I even finish it? Yes, I must, I must remind myself why I am not doing this anymore.

Fries finished. Burger unwrapped, a slice of bacon pulled off to the side.

First 1/4:
This is great. I love that the onion rings are still crunchy and that BBQ sauce is delicious. Why is the burger so salty? Stomach revolting a little bit. Getting...sleepy...

After half:
WHY IS THIS BURGER SO SALTY???? feeling so heavy...Is this is end of the road for me? Am I dying?

After 3/4:
Is there a salt lick in this burger? Questioning every decision I have ever made that led me to this specific point. Having to sit back on the couch. Television just noise now. confidence sinking, self worth sinking.....

Finished burger:
Why do I not feel accomplished? Where am I? I need water, desperately. Need...a...nap. How did I do this on a weekly basis?


Here I sit 2+ hours later and nothing is okay. My stomach is unsettled, my brain hurts, If misery could be personified, I would be that. I have no energy whatsoever. I just want to lay down for the rest of the year. It is amazing to me what 9 months can do to a person. I used to get excited at the mere thought of going to Carl's Jr. it was like a little party for me every damn time. Now, I have no idea how I ever did it. Was some of this hyperbole for entertainment purposes, yes, but the feeling is very real. I loathe this decision today, but I also think I needed it. I needed to know that things are in fact changing. Not just my weight and even how I feel, but that what I want is changing. I have trained myself to not crave this awful food any longer. It is a massive victory for me. I need to keep moving forward and knocking out all fast food. It is such a better lifestyle to not eat it. When I do not eat fast food I just like things better. The colors are brighter and all of that nonsense.

I ate more in that one meal calorie wise than I do in a whole day now, yet I am hungrier than usual. All that I want is to eat and sleep, which could have been the title of my memoir if I was writing about my most depressing days. The goal is to train myself to not have food=feelings. I know I will never be a "eat to live" kind of guy. I like to eat good food. I love taste, so I have to understand how to get the best taste honestly. For example, last night I had the best salad I have ever tasted. I cannot spend the money to eat that salad every day, but I know I can make salads at home that are tasty with the right ingredients. This is an on-going process for me.

Every day I have to get up and try again, whether I had a good day or a bad day the day before. I know that my life is better when I do not fill my body with fast food and that has been proven today. After eating my once favorite meal, I do not care about anything. It led me to the insight that perhaps I used to feed myself this meal on a regular basis because I wanted to not care about anything, or feel anything. Some people use drugs or alcohol or sex to numb the pain. Drugs freak me out and are expensive, alcohol gets expensive and often does not taste very good and no one wanted to have sex with me, so I have used food to numb myself to feeling anything. As I prepare for the life of a teacher, and hopefully father, I need to feel and I need to feel good. I have to be some sort of role model to people and I cannot do that if I am constantly numbing myself to the experiences of life.

One of my favorite things about this blog is that I never know where a post is going to take me. I had every intention of writing a (hopefully) funny blog about eating a burger and as I typed, I realized these transcendent things about my life. The more confident I grow on the outside, the more willing I am to be introspective and honest with myself. The writing allows me to be able to put it into words in a mostly coherent way. It makes me wonder why I ever stop writing about everything. Not sure how many people are actually reading this thing on a consistent basis, but I think it is worth it just for myself. So thanks Erik for talking me into it.

The universe RSVPed NO for my pity party

Well gang, here I sit still sick. Going on 8 days of sickness. This never happens to me. I typically have a champion immune system, but this sickness has worked its way deep into my soul. Still coughing, still sniffling and still generally feeling "bleh." This sickness, I think, is a manifestation of how I have been feeling lately. I desperately want a full a time job. In my part time job (which I am relieved to have) hours are being cut and I am in need of another job. Oh joy, the job hunt. All of the negative feelings kind of came to a head yesterday. Yesterday was my second straight day of sitting at home trying to kick this sickness. All I want is to stop sniffling. I was just on verge of a pity party. I had snacks, decorations, and drinks. Then something happened.

As I left my house to go tutor, I put on the jacket I bought last December. When I bought it, it was just a bit snug. It worked for the style of jacket and did not bother me, but it was a bit snug. yesterday I put it on and it was baggy. It was a size too big. At first, I shook it off. Well, it got stretched out in the move, or some nonsense. I was not in the mood to be happy. This was my pity party damn-it! I was sick, and tired. I needed to whine and be full of self pity. When my student showed up without his essay, I knew I was back in pity party mode. That was until he told me that he felt strong enough about his essay that he turned it in early. Two months ago this college student could barely form a coherent paragraph and now he is turning in final drafts without making sure we go over it together? How awesome is that? He gave me a copy to look over and no joke, it was pretty good for him. Because he turned it in early he gets half a letter grade bump, so he was not worried. I was so proud of him for making this giant leap. He had a strong thesis and some great ideas and it was the best effort of his in terms of grammar. I was so sure this was not working, and here he is stating to get it. He wants to work together through next semester too.

When tutoring was done, I came home and the dinner I was making smelled great and it tasted great and Martina and I had a lovely night together at home. At this point I realized the universe was not only rejecting an invitation for a pity party, it was not going to let me HAVE a pity party. The universe was slapping me across the face with all of the things that are going right in my life. Yes, I am sick. No, I am not a teacher and my job is not what I want, but look at all of the things that are going well. I am a size smaller than I was at this time last year. I clearly WILL be a teacher, and I truly believe I will be a good teacher. On top of that, I have this wonderful girlfriend who takes care of me when I am sick and trust me, I am no fun to be around when I am sick. I am more stubborn when I am sick than when I am healthy. it is obnoxious. I can hear myself being obnoxious and for whatever reason I refuse to stop it.

If you ask anyone who knows me very well, they can tell you that I am not one to attach cosmic importance to events, big or small. It is not in my nature to think the universe it trying to talk to me, or give me signs. However, I am finding it hard to ignore. I have been feeling very empty without a classroom. I have been wondering if maybe teaching is not in my future. Perhaps I am not meant for that profession, that life. Then twice this week I have heard from students from last year. Both of them told me how great it was to have me as their teacher. One of them said some of the nicest things I have ever heard. How could I possibly have a pity party when people out there are telling me how thankful they are that they were in my class. How can I possibly ignore the timing? Right as I was getting the most unsure of my path, these two people lit up my path so it was as clear as it had ever been. If anyone is meant for anything, I am meant for teaching. The universe is clearly saying that.

This is not to say that I am going to change my mind completely about cosmic importance. I think if you go looking for signs, you can find them anywhere and can attach importance to anything and when things go wrong, you give yourself an out for personal responsibility. However, if the signs are there when you are decidedly not looking for them, how can you turn your back on them? All things considered, my life is pretty good. I think every once in a while the universe reminds me that. It tells me that my pity party is unnecessary. I have nothing in my own life that needs pity. I have a path, all of you amazing readers, a beautiful-smart-kind-loving girlfriend, and am 40+ lbs lighter. Thank you universe to slapping me across the face with the reality that my life is pretty sweet. I think we all forget how good things can be, especially when the weather is crappy. We are conditioned to focus on the negative. We think about the money we do not have, the extra weight we have, or how this other person has more than we do. Every so often we need to stop, and really look at the positives in our own life. They are there.

This is not about some "I am lucky to be breathing" nonsense. No, really look around you and discover what you have going for you. You, yes you. You are beautiful. You probably have an awesome family, or an awesome group of friends who have become a family. You have great things going on, even in the face of sadness, or in the face of seemingly overwhelming odds. There is something that will get you through it. And to be completely honest with YOU specifically, if you need help, if you are struggling, if you need reminding, ask me. Know this, if I know you in my real life, I want to help. If I do not know in my real life and you stumbled onto this blog, I want to help. We are all in this crazy life together and if you have taken the time to get to know me through this blog, know this, I am here for you. I love to listen, I love to hug and comfort. We all struggle and we all find a way through it. I learned a long time ago that climbing out of a hole alone is incredibly difficult, but climbing out of a hole with someone reaching down to help pull you out, is easier. If you need a hand, I promise you, mine is available.

The ever evolving schedule

Sorry for the absence dear readers. It has been a busy few weeks and I am still adjusting to a new schedule. Which brings me to the main topic of this blog entry.

It is very easy to work out, eat right and get proper sleep when you have nothing to do all day. It is also relatively easy to maintain a regular schedule if your job has a regular schedule. Unfortunately things have not worked out in my favor this fall and I find myself back working at a movie theater. I am incredibly thankful to have a regular job and paycheck, but working at a movie theater presents its own series of challenges in my fight for health. The biggest being that it completely messes with my internal schedule. Some days I have to work until 1am, some days I have to be at work at 10am. My sleep schedule has gone completely out the window which has very much affected my energy level. This is one of those moments where I realize how important sleep is, or at least a regular sleep schedule. My body does not know what to do when I get off work at 1am and need to unwind, so I am up until 2 or 3 in the morning some days, and other days I am so beat I fall asleep at 10:30. It is something on which I am still searching for a grip. I need to find a happy medium.

Having a job, finally, has also done things to my eating habits. I tend to eat later now, especially if I work at night and do not get a lunch break until 9 at night. I am still finding ways to mostly eat healthy. I am eating more Subway now. I know the bread is not good, but I am packing my sandwiches with many more vegetables than I have in the past. My biggest concern is not letting myself go hungry. During my many years at a movie theater, I have noticed I tend to let myself go hungry a lot because I do not want to change my eating patterns, but I know I need to. Letting myself go hungry is not going to solve anything because it will lead to gross binge eating. Once we get groceries back in our house, I am going to make a real effort to make lunch more often. More likely is making bigger dinners and taking leftovers. All of my life I have underestimated how great leftovers can be. It makes me want to go back in time when my mom would throw away leftovers because no one would eat them. I would eat them now. I have noticed that when Martina cooks she tends to cook more, giving us leftovers and I tend to cook just for the two of us for one meal. That may change soon. I need to make sure the allure of popcorn does not overtake me.

Which leads me to the next point: temptation. While on shift, I can drink all of the soda and eat all of the popcorn I want, for free. 3 weeks in and I have had a total of ZERO soda and only roughly 3 cups of popcorn. BOOM!! My last movie theater, I would have competitions with people about who could drink the most Mountain Dew during a shift and so far here I have not had any soda at all. I am not saying I have not had any soda in the last few months, but I am really proud of myself for not giving in at work where I can drink so much of it for free. However, I am probably most proud of how little popcorn I have had. When I do popcorn at work, I load it with butter and popcorn salt, which is worse for you than regular salt. It is heavy tasty salt. Knowing I get free cheese too makes my will power even more awesome because popcorn with popcorn salt and cheese is heaven. It truly tastes like what I imagine food in obese heaven tastes like. I was so worried about all of this temptation and so far I am proud of myself. For those who know me very well, giving myself actual credit for something is new and still makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Lastly, I want to talk about something completely different. Because of the blog and my Facebook statuses about my weight loss, it is pretty well known that I am fighting for my health. This leads to many conversations about it. People want to know what I am doing, how much I have lost and tell me how great I look and how much happier I look. My entire life I have never believed anyone when they tell me I look like I have lost weight. I feel it is something skinny people say to fat people to make them feel better about themselves (this sentence is decidedly vague). I have always felt people said it to me to be encouraging, and then when I walk away they turn to each other and comment how I look as obese as ever. I know I am losing weight. I can feel it in my body, I can see it when I put on winter clothes I have not worn in a year. Logically I know this is working, but still, when people comment on how good I look, all I can think about is how full of crap they are. I cannot help but think they are just being sweet friends who want me to succeed but deep down are thinking how nothing has changed. This mentality HAS to change inside of me. It has taken me a long time to accept that people are rooting for me. It has taken me months to even sort of grasp why so many people are on my side. Who am I to have all of these people invested in my journey? I am constantly being sent words of encouragement, inspirational quotes, videos, stories and people are sharing their own battles and demons with me. It is overwhelmingly touching, so why can't I just accept the compliments like an adult instead of stammering on about how I still have so far to go? I have worked damn hard and deserve to accept people saying nice things. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it will continue to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not rewarding myself with brownies or pie, so why shouldn't I reward myself with the acceptance of nice words? That is my goal, to take the compliments as tasty brain rewards.


Oh one last tiny thing: Thanksgiving is the one day where it appears perfectly acceptable to binge eat and it is the one day of the year I never worry about binge eating. I do not care for turkey, potatoes, or pumpkin pie, or any fruit pies. I am rarely, if ever, stuffed on Thanksgiving.

the clothing issue

I hate shopping for clothes. I have almost always hated shopping for clothes. When you cannot fit into the clothes in the regular section, it sucks. Most of the time I have to shop for clothes in specialty stores designed specifically for fat guys. Feeling defeated before you ever go to the store is never good, but that is how it has always been. The bigger the clothes, the more expensive they are as well. I never get a shirt/sweat shirt from shows I do because they cost more when you get to the XXXL and XXXXL sizes. There is no way I could ever buy a shirt at a concert because they do not even bother to carry my size. Also, forget about thrift stores! My theater friends love to host themed parties, but I can never dress up because there are no thrift stores that carry my size. If I do not already have it in my closet, I cannot participate. It makes me incredibly self conscious and always has made me feel that way. Just thinking about buying new clothes fills me with anxiety because I do not get to always choose things I love, but things that fit me.

I recently started a part time job at a movie theater and I needed to pick up plain black pants ( i have a pair but they are too nice to worry about butter stains) and a few white t-shirts to wear under the polo I was issued. I was not looking forward to it because I have not been feeling at my best lately. I was sure that I was going to have to go up a size from the last time I bought pants a few years back when I lost 40 pounds. When I was at my heaviest (roughly when I was like 23-27 years old) I was wearing a size 60 in pants. The last time I bought pants I bought size 52 and 54. I was sure I was going to need at least size 56 last week. I got to JC Penney (the cheapest place to buy big and tall clothes) and grabbed a pair of size 54 and 56 pants and slowly, achingly lumbered to the dressing rooms. The 56 were far too big and the 54 were too big as well. I was pleasantly surprised and bounded off to find smaller pants. This is something I NEVER get to do. I grabbed size 52 and just for fun, I grabbed a pair of discount size 50 pants. To my unbelievable surprise the size 50 pants fit! They were a bit snug, but they fit!! I am so close to being out of the 50s in pants, which has been a goal/struggle of mine for the last 5 years! Here I am sitting on the verge of achieving this massive goal. I am not afraid to say that I had tears in my eyes as I looked at myself. This is working!

After that shocking bit of awesome news, I remembered I had to buy t shirts. They did not have any XXXLT (my current t-shirt size) so I grabbed a XXXL t-shirt and gave it a shot. It fit perfectly. It was not too short over my stomach or too tight around my arms. This is a change from only 6 months ago! I thought I was going crazy, so just to push my luck, I went and grabbed a XXLT shirt and it fit! I did not buy the XXL shirt because I do not think a more fitted white shirt would do me any favors. To make sure it was not just the brand, I went out and grabbed other shirts. I was running around the store like a mad man. I can only imagine what employees were thinking of a guy running around their store half giggling, half crying, grabbing random clothes and trying them on! I realized that in the Big and Tall section I can fit into all brands of XXLT. In the regular sections, I can put on a XXL, but it does not fit....yet. For years I could not even pretend to cram into a XXL shirt and now I can actually put it on. That means I am so damn close to the biggest goal I have ever set for myself. It has been a dream of mine to wear XXL shirts because once I get there, I can start buying clothes in the regular person section almost exclusively. I am tearing up now as I type this out.

For the first time I can remember I left a department store feeling better than when I went in. I am smaller than I have been since I was a teenager. But more importantly, I believe I am healthier than I have been since I was a teenager. I can breathe easier. I do not cram food down my throat all times of day. I am figuring out how to be the best version of me. I know I am far away from my potential, but I am feeling so much better these days. The hard work is paying off. The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I am not sure that has ever happened. I was looking at someone I did not hate, someone I was not feeling sorry for. I was looking at someone who is fighting. I looked at someone who is working hard and seeing results. I think I am finally starting to see the guy that Martina loves, that my friends see and that my family sees. I am finally starting to see me as I actually am and not some awful warped sense of who I think I am. I can finally see the weight loss in myself. I can see the physical and mental changes. After a long day this week, I did not cave and get Taco Bell. I am fighting and winning. My goal now is to be in a XXL t-shirt by the year anniversary of this journey in March. it is not going to be easy, but if I keep myself going, I believe I get there.


A quick note:

This weekend I saw one of my best friend's parents and my friend sent me a text that her mom thought I looked great and her mom did not even know about this journey. It is the first time someone who did not know what I was doing made that kind of comment. It felt awesome.

A quick note part two:

To everyone who told me I would eventually stop craving soda, you can all go to hell for being liars. I still want all of the soda all of the time.

Gym time.

The gym has always been one of my biggest enemies. Nothing makes me feel more out of place than being the fat guy at the gym. While I logically know no one is staring at me, I feel like a wild animal suddenly in a suburb. Everyone is wondering how I got there, if I was lost and they are all just waiting to see what I will do and how I will mess it up. This is compounded by the feeling of not knowing what I am doing at a gym. I need guidance. When I do not have said guidance I just feel like a car stuck in the mud, turning my wheels and not gaining any traction. In an attempt to ease myself into the idea of a gym membership and actually going to the gym, I am trying to get myself down to gym at the apartment complex. It is an unassuming, unintimidating lace and I think it is exactly what I need.

When you walk in, you are confronted with the tiniest room for a gym I could imagine. Directly in front of you is a stationary bike (my favorite). Placed on either side of the bike are treadmills. They are not uniform. it is a patchwork gym if ever there was one. Right next to the outside door is an elliptical machine. The Elliptical is the pineapple of the gym. It intimidates me beyond belief. There is too much going on and I am sure it will rip my limbs apart like an archaic torture device. I do not need the headline of my death to read Fat guy dies trying to operate gym machinery. (Wow, I would not be good at writing headlines, that is awful.) Attached to the wall to the left is a smallish television that has cable, but no remote control, so changing channels is kind of a process, but it is set to ESPN or CSN 95% of the time so it is good. On the other wall is a fan that is not pointing at any of the machinery. It exists and I assume it does blow air if you turn it on, but it does not do anyone any good who is trying to work out. Someone lazily screwed it to the ceiling without any sort of logic.

I have been back to the gym 4 out of the last 6 days. For a while I had a good rhythm going and then I got stalled and I stopped going. I am doing my best to get myself back in the habit. I need this. On Friday I updated my Facebook about my experience, but I want to expand upon it a bit. I walked into the gym, playlist already blaring (Jay-Z's "99 Problems") and sat down at the bike. Right before I got it started a guy walked in from the outside door. I had seen him once in passing. He was entering the gym as I was leaving it a few weeks ago. He set up at the treadmill to my right and we both were off. "99 Problems" led into Rage Against the machine's "Guerrilla Radio" and I had a good pace going on the bike. I had planned to do 15 minutes because it was my first day back, but this guy to my right was killing it on the treadmill, so I pushed myself. We looked at each other momentarily and he picked up his pace. We were pushing each other without really saying anything. We even hit our cool down at the same time. I got off the bike, stretched out for a minute, he did the same and before we parted ways he put his hand in the accepted position of a fist bump and I did the same. We fist bumped, nodded and went about our lives.

This is a great story for me for a few reasons. 1.) It made me feel cool. I rarely feel cool, so it is a great feeling. 2.) There was someone else at the gym and he was clearly not judging me. In fact, he appeared impressed, at least admired my attempt. This is the biggest reason this story makes me happy. This guy is in much better shape than I. He clearly goes to an actual gym, or plays a sport or something. He is the kind of guy I would be sure would judge me for walking into a gym. And here he was pushing me and acknowledging my work. It really pumped me up. My body hated me a few hours later, but it was well worth it. This is the kind of motivation I need to keep me going. If I ever get a full time job, I know I need to conquer my fear of the gym and get myself a membership and actually use it. However, I also know I need help. I have no idea what I am doing and how much of what I should be doing. I am good at following a plan. I just have no idea how to set up a plan that is good for me.

Saturday and Monday I was at the gym alone, and early this morning I was only able to get in because someone was already in it. Our key is with Martina, something we clearly need to work on. Starting my day at like 7:45 with a work out felt strange. I was only up because the neighbors were yelling at each other. I decided I needed to remove myself from being within earshot, but the complex is not open yet, therefore the inside doors are not open. A kind neighbor let me into the gym and I went about my business. I am up to 30 minutes on the bike without any significant slowing down. I am going to push myself to get to 40 minutes by the end of this week. It might require some rises and falls in terms of my speed, but I can feel my legs getting a bit stronger. I also want to run on the treadmill, but I am not sure my knee is up for that yet. The knee brace I bought in march is now too big, and not even by a little bit. It will not even stay on any longer.

I am not where I want to be in terms of my health. I had visions of being much further along, but I know that if I keep making small steps, I will get there. That is my focus for now. I finally acquired a job. It is part time, but it will give me some place to be. It serves a purpose, so I think that will help with my motivation in other aspects of my life. I am still looking for a full time job, but this is something. Every little bit helps. The goal is to not let myself get too down that I am not improving by leaps and bounds. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I am still moving forward and that is where my focus needs to be. baby steps are better than no steps.